Traveling in the UK - Advice for Americans

[Jeraly 4]

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"-the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great #######"-he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "#######." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a #######-everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know"-one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon ####### for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"-it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the sign that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

WHAT A LOAD OF #######......

NOT EVEN FUNNY...

Kez

[Lizzy 0]

I have never in my 30 years of being a British citizen heard such rubbish.... there is a word in the UK such as "goolies" but i think it describes what you wrote rather than money or anything else.

What a load of balls.

Edited September 9, 2007 by Lizzy

[WifeOHunkyJohn 2]

If the OP indeed wants to be considered a "#######" to all of us Brits, perhaps he should look up the meaning considering he (or she) very much qualifies.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

oh, lighten up; it's a humorous piece that's been doing the rounds on the internet for some time now (as the OP stated); many of my British friends found it hilarious... if it's not your style of humour, fine, but don't take it too seriously, I beg you

[Toshtishtash 1]

Oh my god!

Can you not see that it is QUITE OBVIOUSLY a joke??

Jeez people, lighten up fer christ sakes!

Made me giggle anyway

Edited September 10, 2007 by toshtishtash

[Captain Oates 911]

Only danger is that someone might take it seriously and get themselves in a bad situation...

Is there a proper guide rather than the London-centric stuff about pearly queens and jellied eals and cockney slang - they sound like everyone in the UK uses foul language all the time and they all seem to be written by student drop-outs who think that being dirty in habits and language makes them sound cool...

A proper guide would include such essentials and always buy fish and chips from a traditional fish and chip shop which fries in beef dripping - all Chinese fish and chip shops fry in the same soggy oil they use for spring rolls etc ...

I actually threw the Chinese version away it was so horrible - and I am such a tightwad that they would have to be bad for me to do that.

First American boss I had gave a 3 quid tip with the first beer - I told him we never tip for beer and wait for the 1 penny change. He said if he did that in the U.S. he wouldnt get served all night...

a post with real advice would be useful

alan

Edited September 10, 2007 by saywhat

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

Oh please!! If someone hasn't caught on to the joke by the time they've seen the smiley face next to the thread, and the claim that the buses will change their route on request, then they deserve to mistakingly announce to their business meeting / in-laws that they're late because they were having a #######!!!

But we could continue the thread with some proper advice.

Having lived in london for several years, it has never ever been necessary to understand cockney rhyming slang.

However, a visitor should know that most of the galleries and museums are free, you can get a day bus pass for £3.50, and that way you get to SEE the city, rather than just the tube stations. If you're out and about sightseeing and you are planning to go for a nice dinner, just go to Selfridges, they'll do your make up for you!! The best way to see a film in the city is Somerset House in the Summer (or the Prince Charles Cinema off Lecister Square for super cheap movies)

and Saywhat, if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in London, I don't think that the fish and chips from 'Rock and Sole Plaice' in Covent Garden, or 'Fryer's delight' on Theobalds Road - with fish straight from the docks that morning - would dissappoint even you!!

[~*Maria*~ 1]

OMG!!!! never say your a member of sein fein you'll be thrown in the slammer oh they'll expedite yer passport alright, a one way ticket to the nearest jail

I can just imagine trying to put "wellies" on yer backside ..... ever since i was a wee lassie i always put "wellies" on ma feet!

Calling ma friends "tossers" would have resulted in many a black-eye but i was always in good fightin spirits anyways with the boys

Edited September 10, 2007 by MariaDane

[Captain Oates 911]

and Saywhat, if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in London, I don't think that the fish and chips from 'Rock and Sole Plaice' in Covent Garden, or 'Fryer's delight' on Theobalds Road - with fish straight from the docks that morning - would dissappoint even you!!

Hey I didn't say anything against London fish and chips - it's Lancashire where I am imprisoned now that is the problem. I only found one fish and chip shop that isn't Chinese and it's Greek and theirs smell of kebabs! My best fish shop in Yorkshire is Greek but they do it the traditional way and theirs is scrumptious. We have been here since February and drive around with palid grey faces enhancing our carbon snow-shoe prints trying to hunt down a 'beef dripping' fish 'ole... no luck so far !

We give notice soon on this rented gastronomic desert so prob will soon be solved. I intend to catch my own in Tampa Florida (next to the nuclear reactor) and barby em in the garden or fry em in plain batter with NO BREAD CRUMBS THEY ARE HORRIBLE....

Yes another tip for yanquis in England - there is open HATRED of American foreign policy and I won't tell you there isn't. Don't mistake this for dislike of Americans ...

My wife works in a big office and they just ranted for the first 3 months about US imperialism and torturing etc blah blah blah and then let it drop when they realised she had the same opinion about W as them...

AND here is the biggy - don't undertake on motorways - that is 'pass on the inside lane' (on the left)... I know it's done a lot around London by slick young 'achievers ' but most Police forces will tazer you first and waterboard you later...

Americans just don't see why its a big deal. I prefer the U.S. system of going in any lane you like as long as that is the rule. But its homicidal here as people expect to pull back into a lane to the left without checking it as nobody is supposed to be 'undertaking' on the left.

remember - right is overtakers, left is undertakers - literally

Our electric lights are down for on and up for off (the opposite)

Our water is hot left cold right (opposite)

etc etc...someone in 1776 must have made a concious effort to make everything opposite

oh and we use toilet brushes as we are still somewhat Victorian about that sort of thing don't you know- in Wisconsin I have seen em sold as 'European toilet brushes'...

and please don't put your passport in your 'fanny pack' - if you do then put it in a plastic bag first and be prepared for a drug squad search when you try and retrieve it at Heathrow... somebody else can explain... ...

[~*Maria*~ 1]

and please don't put your passport in your 'fanny pack' - if you do then put it in a plastic bag first and be prepared for a drug squad search when you try and retrieve it at Heathrow... somebody else can explain... ...

:lol: thats a gid one saywhat

[Leney 0]

WHAT A LOAD OF #######......

NOT EVEN FUNNY...

Kez

That was the exact same reaction of my hubby Though I had a chuckle, I can just see a Hawaiin Shirt 50 something American tourist with a fanny pack and jesus sandles taking it for gospel ;P

Before I ever met my hubby, and I was planning a trip to Scotland, an English friend of mine sent me to this web site: http://www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk/

I was so terrified of Glasgow before I ever got there, it wasn't funny Strangely, the site didn't disappoint lol

Edited September 10, 2007 by Leney

[John & Annie 0]

WHAT A LOAD OF #######......

NOT EVEN FUNNY...

Kez

That was the exact same reaction of my hubby Though I had a chuckle, I can just see a Hawaiin Shirt 50 something American tourist with a fanny pack and jesus sandles taking it for gospel ;P

Before I ever met my hubby, and I was planning a trip to Scotland, an English friend of mine sent me to this web site: http://www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk/

I was so terrified of Glasgow before I ever got there, it wasn't funny Strangely, the site didn't disappoint lol

ah yes the wee Glasow NED.

When Annie gets really upset at someone, I can tell cause she uses ned-speak at them.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

My Husband claims that when I get really mad at someone my Scottish accent get real thick and my Green eyes blaze.... I have never noticed....

Kez

[John & Annie 0]

My Husband claims that when I get really mad at someone my Scottish accent get real thick and my Green eyes blaze.... I have never noticed....

Kez

That is a look I know very well.

You and Annie should never get together, it would be bad, very bad