Observations on a Friday

[almaty 19]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the

passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,

but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan ."

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,

and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

-- Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

Mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even

named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it

manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests

itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers,

"Come on, #######, we're leaving."

[Nessa 23]

[MissStacey 1]

:lol:

Those were awesome!!

[Jasman0717 9]

3) "Oh, you hate your job xboss? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

[*julez* 124]

Very funny!!!

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

-- Unknown, presumed deceased

i'm not dead yet!

[Jasman0717 9]

Need to throw in a few Ueckerisms:

"Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat."

"If a guy hits .300 every year, what does he have to look forward to? I always tried to stay around .190, with three or four RBI. And I tried to get them all in September. That way I always had something to talk about during the winter."

"In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the Bigs."

"I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up."

"People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."

"The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud."

"I had slumps that lasted into the winter."

"I led the league in 'Go get 'em next time.'" "I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don't even get printed."