Internet Casanova's

[doodlebug 3]

Personally, I think in general alot of couples arent really "in love" when they get married. People marry for a variety of reasons...financial, arranged, love, friendship.....and alot of the "non love" marriages last and these people tend to end up more in love than the flash in the pan butterflies and pounding hearts. Because "in love" and love are really 2 different things. If I knew that he loved me, he would stay. My parents got married so they could adopt me from her little sister who was pregnant. At that point you could say my mom used my dad....he was sedate and laid back..she had been dating him but she was wilder and wanted more excitement out of life...but she couldnt have kids. When told she couldnt have me unless she was married my dad offered to marry her...She did, but not really for love at that point. This weekend they are in North Carolina celebrating 40 years. And they love each other. Even if the man had dishonest tendancies to start with...but now loves you...Id stay!!

Well the difference is that in your parents' situation there was no deception involved. That's the problem here. If he can deceive you once who's to say he won't do it again? Your father's intentions were honorable............an internet casanova's are not. I wouldn't want a marriage based on deception.

[chasnik 0]

Yes my dads were but there are alot of cases out there say a girl marries a boy because she is pregnant and needs a dad for the baby....she doesnt love him at that point but grows too...should he leave her? Or an younger man or woman marries an older person for money or security...goes into it cold without love...but comes to love the person...should they get left when they now love? I know this is a person by person thing...case by case but people do not always start things for honorable upstanding reasons...that doesnt mean that somewhere along the way they cannot change.

[Nasturtium 500]

I'd stay. If the situation was that he married me and then grew to love me (and was faithful), and I loved him, I am not interested in shooting myself in the foot or the proverbial cutting off my nose to spite my face... and I know it sounds weird but I probably wouldn't be all that upset either--because the point would be that he loves me now.

[sara535 15]

I'd stay. If the situation was that he married me and then grew to love me (and was faithful), and I loved him, I am not interested in shooting myself in the foot or the proverbial cutting off my nose to spite my face... and I know it sounds weird but I probably wouldn't be all that upset either--because the point would be that he loves me now.

I agree. People fall in and out of love all the time, and actually the concept of 'marrying for love' is a distinctly modern western concept. Historically it was not a trend, and I would say in many cultures it is STILL not the norm. People marry for status or money or family alliances or any other huge variety of reasons..... Many people throughout time and into the present believe that love can and often DOES come after marriage.

Now thats not to say I wouldnt be upset if I were to find out something like that as I AM in fact a modern western woman who believes I married for love, but as Julianna says, why would I cut off my nose to spite my face if the current situation is being in a loving marriage?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I don't care for the part that says, "learn to love you." I would probably be okay if this fiancée fell in love with me. I don't want any one to learn to love me!

[SqdnGuns 21]

Dump 'em, plenty of other fish out there.

[LaL 418]

Dump 'em, plenty of other fish out there.

this about sums up my attitude about the topic!

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

I don't understand what is wrong with learning to love someone. Some of us don't have the luxury of spending long amounts of time in the country our SO's live in. Physical attraction is not love, getting along with someone for a short amount of time is not love. You can have any of that with a one night stand you pick up in the clubs. Love comes, and grows, over an extended amount of time together. You learn their faults, their strengths, what makes them happy, what doesn't. It's looking at the person you share your life with and knowing their thoughts about something in particular. It's feeling as if you just had the best conversation ever, and no words were exchanged. It's knowing at the end of the day, they will be there beside you, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, till death shall you part.

Those things are learned, grown together. Not fallen into.

So, yes, I would stay, and let them stay too. Nothing in this life is free or easy, so why should we expect love to be any different?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am not MENA so I hope no one minds me adding a comment . . . like the above poster I think it is important to remember that people do change and grow - and mature. Something that they thought was important at first they may discover is not so important after all, and something they had not considered becomes very important. Life is about learning and growing, and as a couple we both learn and grow together. None of us are perfect and we can show some bad judgments along the way. If, however, on that journey, we learn to see that our previous choices were flawed and try to do better this time, I think it is important that we are given that opportunity by those we love and who love us. So, he thought it was important to come to the US and lied about loving you in order to do so; then - unexpectedly - he found out that he loved you after all, that you are very important to him - not because you are a US citizen, but because you are you. Judge the situation from where you are now, and trust in the process that ensures we learn from our experiences. Your disappointment at his dishonesty will help him to realize the problems associated with his lying - especially now that you are so important to him - and perhaps you will find that you have made an honest man out of him.

[ayesha4akram 0]

He'd be out the door.

I mean I'd have hard core proof that he intended just to get the greencard right?

I would not, however have hard core proof of his love for me, since that is not something one can prove.

I'd say don't let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya!!!!

You made my night!

[Fandango 1,439]

Well, the last thing I'd do is get him the path to that gc before I'm really certain if he's shootin straight dice or not.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Jackie

[LaL 418]

I don't understand what is wrong with learning to love someone. Some of us don't have the luxury of spending long amounts of time in the country our SO's live in. Physical attraction is not love, getting along with someone for a short amount of time is not love. You can have any of that with a one night stand you pick up in the clubs. Love comes, and grows, over an extended amount of time together. You learn their faults, their strengths, what makes them happy, what doesn't. It's looking at the person you share your life with and knowing their thoughts about something in particular. It's feeling as if you just had the best conversation ever, and no words were exchanged. It's knowing at the end of the day, they will be there beside you, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, till death shall you part.

Those things are learned, grown together. Not fallen into.

So, yes, I would stay, and let them stay too. Nothing in this life is free or easy, so why should we expect love to be any different?

I am not sure if you were responding to me, or other replies like mine, but I wanted to clarify I am in no way judging anyone for their own choices - I was merely stating my personal choice should something like this occur. To restate - hell no, if a man's initial attraction to me is my geographical location, and "papers" associated with such, no, I would have no need for him.

ETA: of course easier said than done per the question (stated after the SO immigrates).

Edited September 4, 2007 by LaL

[Ban Hammer 13,342]

Jackie

pass the popcorn please

[trailmix 77]

It seems to me the question isn't so much whether he 'then falls in love with you'.

In order to successfully complete a visa fraud you would have to lie to someone for quite some time. Day in and day out, lying when speaking to the person, writing to them, planning your future - all lies.

What kind of person would/could do that?