Undercover VJ member needs to moan

[secretsquirrel 4]

Sorry for the cloak and dagger here -- but this is one of those times I think anonymity suits me better than my usual name on here, as I hang out on VJ a lot and, well, I'd rather have advice on this issue as someone else.

My husband, the non-USC, and I moved to America this month after doing DCF. It was something we both wanted to do very, very badly, and we had been eagerly anticipating the move. Pretty much as soon as we landed he has been an absolute nightmare to be around -- he is misery personified. We have had a number of small setbacks since we got here -- our car failed emissions, then broke down spectacularly yesterday afternoon and is now in the repair shop; he lost his memory stick with his CV and PhD thesis on it (thankfully both backed up elsewhere) and he thinks someone might "steal" the documents; he is down to his last contact lenses because the internet company we bought them from didn't deliver on time, and now he is refusing to go away for Labor Day weekend without any lenses because he says he doesn't want to be seen wearing specs; my parents have not been terribly welcoming because they are too wrapped up in my brother and his family leaving for London at the same time I arrived home (and my mother constantly speaks of them, and my husband can't stand any of them); we only just got a cell phone even though he's been asking to do that for days; etc etc, ad nauseam and then some. He says I have it easier -- I already had a job on arriving, I have a sizeable amount in the bank, nobody thinks my accent is weird (I beg to differ -- I have already had people asking me where I'm from in England, which is embarrassing in itself when I have to say I'm American).

He is alternately angry and miserable, and although he takes pains to say it has nothing to do with me personally, I keep thinking "I brought us here. It's my fault." It doesn't help that I have no idea how to do any of these things myself, as I haven't lived in America since I was a kid. But I still have to make all the phone calls, do all the talking even on topics he knows more about (like cars) because I am the American. He says that everything he touches "turns to sh!t".

I don't know what to do. Yesterday I actually regretted ever coming here. It was a fleeting but real thought. I know this is the usual cr*p that new immigrants feel, but I genuinely thought we would somehow be different. Guess what? We aren't. I think I just need a little love today.

Edited August 29, 2007 by secretsquirrel

[TracyTN 237]

I'm really sorry to hear that - it almost sounds like he expected everything to be roses and clovers from the get go, and possibly had unrealistic expectations. It seems unfair of him to 'expect' you to do EVERYthing because you're the American.

You didn't 'bring' you guys here - it was a decision you made as a couple. So don't take on that guilt (and esp. don't let him make you feel guilty for it).

I hope a little time and settling into more of a routine will help things smooth over.

Edited August 29, 2007 by TracyTN

[Emancipation 2]

This too shall pass.....

It's something that my husband says over and over again to remind himself when things look 'unbareable'. He remembers that these very difficult things will pass, and your "normal" (or at least the perception of things being normal) will soon return..

Expectations are difficult to manage, as well as things that appear to be out of ones control.. i'm sure your hubby is feeling like his life is not controllable right now.. so sorry to hear it's a hard transition..

We're here to listen..

[Krikit 1,164]

It's a difficult time, that's for sure. All you can do is love him and hug him and remind him you're on the same team. It gets easier. Hang in there.

[*JG* 2]

Hugs to you today. Hang in there.

[Ta Ta 1]

Best wishes for a smooth adjustment and transition Take time out to do something fun.

[rika60607 215]

Find him a nice eye doctor who will get him a nice pair of new contact lenses.

It is not expensive (I used to get an eye exam + multiple lense trials for $50-70 without health insurance), and it will cheer him up.

Just go to a small separate standing eye doctor office (not hospital, they are expensive and not one of those in-the-mall places, they are not great).

A doctor will not make fun of his accent

He is probably cranky and miserable because he is in unfamiliar surroundings with no tools to cope: old friends, regular car mechanic, regular doctor, familiar stores and post offices... all gone!... I'd be cranky myself!

Oh wait! I WAS cranky under similar circumstances

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

If you only arrived this month it is only early days - I returned back to the US after 10 years away and I (the USC) found those first 6 months very difficult. My husband almost felt like a child again with the things he didn't understand how to approach or couldn't do and every little frustration (like the DMV) became a major issue.

I would insist on going away on Labor Day and do something FUN, that might remind you of the reasons you came in the first place.

[katand7 0]

There is so much going on that even in the best of circumstances, with no immigration related stuff to boot, a person would be likely to become cranky and depressed. You both made the decision to make this move and you are married so you are in it together. My hubby and I have been married over two years now and we are still adjusting to everything and have had many trials over this time. These are the ups and downs of life and even if things seem to be mostly downers since your arrival, just try to remember that at least you are together. If you feel he is putting too much of the burden on you try asking him to do small things. Maybe as he conquers small tasks he will gain some confidence, and maybe even a smile, and this will help you get to the "up" phase.

If you can possibly convince him to do something just for fun this weekend I would encourage it. It would be a lovely gesture if you could help him get the contact lense thing straightened out. Being so close to back to school time here in the States you might be able to find some good deals. Maybe you can check out the Johnson & Johnson website because they often have promotions for a free pair of lenses.

Hang in there. Things will get better. When in doubt, lean over and give him a kiss and just say something like "No matter what I'm glad we're together". I can't see that failing. It never has for me!

Best wishes!

[joelunchbox 0]

It's a difficult time, that's for sure. All you can do is love him and hug him and remind him you're on the same team. It gets easier. Hang in there.

You probably know this...These are the things that temper your relationship. Talk--buy or check out a book on conversation and use it! We guys kind of suck at truly communicating.

What is important to you? You are going to learn in the months ahead. Hang in there, be honest, be open and be there.

Good Luck!

[Lansbury 19]

It is called adjusting to a new country, I felt much the same when I first got here.

I enjoyed being here but it did seem we had a series of mishaps, mainly buying things for the house that broke, quite a long list. This made me quite anti America for a time but the final straw was a new patio heater not working. I took in back to Sears and the people there got it for everything that had gone wrong since I arrived. Felt much better after that.

We have been here a few months now and much more settled and back to normal. My wife also was asked many times where she was from, don't let it upset you if you lived in England for sometime your accent did change subtely.

[Forever Young 1]

Sorry for the cloak and dagger here -- but this is one of those times I think anonymity suits me better than my usual name on here, as I hang out on VJ a lot and, well, I'd rather have advice on this issue as someone else.

My husband, the non-USC, and I moved to America this month after doing DCF. It was something we both wanted to do very, very badly, and we had been eagerly anticipating the move. Pretty much as soon as we landed he has been an absolute nightmare to be around -- he is misery personified. We have had a number of small setbacks since we got here -- our car failed emissions, then broke down spectacularly yesterday afternoon and is now in the repair shop; he lost his memory stick with his CV and PhD thesis on it (thankfully both backed up elsewhere) and he thinks someone might "steal" the documents; he is down to his last contact lenses because the internet company we bought them from didn't deliver on time, and now he is refusing to go away for Labor Day weekend without any lenses because he says he doesn't want to be seen wearing specs; my parents have not been terribly welcoming because they are too wrapped up in my brother and his family leaving for London at the same time I arrived home (and my mother constantly speaks of them, and my husband can't stand any of them); we only just got a cell phone even though he's been asking to do that for days; etc etc, ad nauseam and then some. He says I have it easier -- I already had a job on arriving, I have a sizeable amount in the bank, nobody thinks my accent is weird (I beg to differ -- I have already had people asking me where I'm from in England, which is embarrassing in itself when I have to say I'm American).

He is alternately angry and miserable, and although he takes pains to say it has nothing to do with me personally, I keep thinking "I brought us here. It's my fault." It doesn't help that I have no idea how to do any of these things myself, as I haven't lived in America since I was a kid. But I still have to make all the phone calls, do all the talking even on topics he knows more about (like cars) because I am the American. He says that everything he touches "turns to sh!t".

I don't know what to do. Yesterday I actually regretted ever coming here. It was a fleeting but real thought. I know this is the usual cr*p that new immigrants feel, but I genuinely thought we would somehow be different. Guess what? We aren't. I think I just need a little love today.

My heart breaks for you! I know this transition is REALLY tough! But THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! Never forget that! Do not blame yourself ...like someone wrote..you didn't knock him over the head and drag him here. So just give him hugs and let him know that you are with him...not against! And just come back here for more hugs from us!!

You get a big tight hug from me!! HANG IN THERE!!!!

Be good..do good,

Gill

[Jeraly 4]

Sorry for the cloak and dagger here -- but this is one of those times I think anonymity suits me better than my usual name on here, as I hang out on VJ a lot and, well, I'd rather have advice on this issue as someone else.

My husband, the non-USC, and I moved to America this month after doing DCF. It was something we both wanted to do very, very badly, and we had been eagerly anticipating the move. Pretty much as soon as we landed he has been an absolute nightmare to be around -- he is misery personified. We have had a number of small setbacks since we got here -- our car failed emissions, then broke down spectacularly yesterday afternoon and is now in the repair shop; he lost his memory stick with his CV and PhD thesis on it (thankfully both backed up elsewhere) and he thinks someone might "steal" the documents; he is down to his last contact lenses because the internet company we bought them from didn't deliver on time, and now he is refusing to go away for Labor Day weekend without any lenses because he says he doesn't want to be seen wearing specs; my parents have not been terribly welcoming because they are too wrapped up in my brother and his family leaving for London at the same time I arrived home (and my mother constantly speaks of them, and my husband can't stand any of them); we only just got a cell phone even though he's been asking to do that for days; etc etc, ad nauseam and then some. He says I have it easier -- I already had a job on arriving, I have a sizeable amount in the bank, nobody thinks my accent is weird (I beg to differ -- I have already had people asking me where I'm from in England, which is embarrassing in itself when I have to say I'm American).

He is alternately angry and miserable, and although he takes pains to say it has nothing to do with me personally, I keep thinking "I brought us here. It's my fault." It doesn't help that I have no idea how to do any of these things myself, as I haven't lived in America since I was a kid. But I still have to make all the phone calls, do all the talking even on topics he knows more about (like cars) because I am the American. He says that everything he touches "turns to sh!t".

I don't know what to do. Yesterday I actually regretted ever coming here. It was a fleeting but real thought. I know this is the usual cr*p that new immigrants feel, but I genuinely thought we would somehow be different. Guess what? We aren't. I think I just need a little love today.

I'm not even across the pond yet but as someone who has AS I cope with change in a, shall we say, less than acceptable manner I am fully expecting to put my OH through living hell and not intentionally!

I think that thing will get better - it is obviously a move you both decided on together and maybe he was expecting things to just fall into place. That in conjunction with a completely new life to start is very intimidating and unfairly he is expecting you to deal with it on his behalf. Again - I am not perfect and am expecting to do the same to my OH :/

It's unfortunate that you have had so many little niggly things to deal with when really you want things to be a smooth as possible but as that is life all you can really do is work through them gradually one at a time until they pass you by Talk to your husband and explain how you feel. Write up an action plan with him about what you want out of your new life and how you can work together to achieve your dreams. Find ways that he can be useful as well without babying him - there is nothing worse than feeling completely useless! Maybe not an issue as he is expecting you to organise so much!!!

As a general summary of my ramblings: talk, establish a power balance in the relationship as it stands in your new surroundings, look at the good points and the things you want to work towards and remember why you moved and why you married in the first place ;D

[AtlantiCat 0]

He is alternately angry and miserable, and although he takes pains to say it has nothing to do with me personally, --snip-- But I still have to make all the phone calls, do all the talking even on topics he knows more about (like cars) because I am the American. He says that everything he touches "turns to sh!t".

Good gods, did you marry Jeremy Clarkson?!

Sorry, had to insert the note of levity there, I'm a stand-up comic. Seriously, I do hope you both get through all of it and adjust. *hugs*

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear secretsquirrel

Adaptation to a new country is always challenging for immigrants - never mind where they come from. It is, however, a process. Like someone wisely said, remind hubby you're part of a team: he may be scared (if My PhD dissertation got lost I would so freak out), insecure, etc. Never mind your family - you cannot change what they think or how they act. Strengthen your relationship squirrel (I am sure it's already strong!!!). Find smiles in little things. We're here for you.

Peace, L.