Did you get married in a hurry for the visa

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

Gotta ask some sage advice of you guys, particularly those who got married sooner than they might have done to be together or so they could go to the US together.

I've been with my USC partner for 5 yrs now. We've lived together in the UK for the last 3 (he was here as a student). Where we would end up, and how it would it be possible has always been an issue for us, and I kinda assumed that if we wanted to be together long term we would have to get married. (to my annoyance every tom, ####### and harry from the earliest stage in our relationship has felt entitled to ask us if and when that would happen). Because we've both thought about it more than maybe someone else would, we've come to the feeling that we really don't want our relationship which has progressed and developed without rings and white dresses to be suddenly defined by them. My partner feels this way very strongly.

Recently we got an EEA Family Permit (I'm Irish) for him , as unmarried partners, so we can stay in the Uk without getting married . However, the longer I stay here, the more I think that our quality of life would be a lot better in the US. The marriage can of worms was reopened. I talked to my family about it. At first they seemed fine, and happy for us, but I suspected they were dissappointed, and pressed the matter. It became clear that they'd be very disappointed that there wouldn't be a ceremony, and really couldn't let go of the idea that 'really we would be married'. Funny enough, my sisters were more affected than my parents who had a more 'well you love each other, that's all that matters' approach. Despite our protestations that yes legally we would be married, and we are happy with the legal protections that will give us as a couple. But we don't want them to think of us differently, or God forbid start asking when the grandkids are arriving.

I know that how we feel is pretty specific, but really I would just like to hear stories about anyone that is going in to or has gone in to marriage a little quicker than they would have otherwise. How do you feel about it? How do your family feel?

We called the whole thing off, and said we would just stay here, but we think it's the right thing for us, and now are thinking about going ahead, and just lying about how I got the visa.

P.S. Moderator, I would be most grateful if this was kept in the UK thread

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

Forgot to mention, we passed through Vegas when we only knew each other for a few weeks, I've often thought we would have saved ourselves a lot of problems if...

Is it easier to be a little more carefree about the marriage thing, if it's earlier in the relationship?

Edited August 28, 2007 by Poiteen

[TracyTN 237]

I think you have to do what is best for you as a couple, and for your future. Unfortunately, in your case, that means getting married so that you can settle here.

If your family can't understand that is the only reason you're 'doing the deed', then too bad. I wouldn't want to 'hide' something like that the rest of my life just so they don't think I've gone against their 'wishes'.

You and your fiance don't need to have a big ta-do in order to make it legal. You don't even have to wear rings/exchange rings, or have any specific attire.

Its your life - do what you need to do, and let the rest fall away.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

My now husband and I had known each other for 15 years before we got married last year. We shared a lot of your feelings about not needing marriage to be together, and I was not crazy about the institution after having lived through by parents very acrimonious divorce after 30 years of marriage. But then I got the job offer back in the US, and the only way for him to come was to bite the bullet. We did things very low key - just us in Vegas (but still the best wedding ever). Now that it's done, I'm not sure why I made such a big deal about resisting it - it really is no different than before. Possibly, it may even be better.

[*JG* 2]

We probably married a little sooner then we would've had it not been for this whole stupid process. I don't regret one minute of it all so far.

[thesnowman 1]

We were lucky that my wife was able to live in the UK for two years before we got married. We weren't able to get married in the UK due to some technicality, so we got our finance visa and got married in Vegas. Vegas seemed the ideal choice as that is where we met and was a bit more glamorous than going to a courthouse. We are now planning on having a big wedding sometime next year where we will have all our family over. We both feel a bit peeved that we never had a proper wedding because of this process.

I am so glad that we had those two years in the UK, as we got all the living together issues over with before we moved over here and got married. I would say that if you are happy get married, do it in the UK and then go for a spouse visa so the non USC can work when he gets there.

Anyway do what you feel best for you and don't worry about everyone else.

P.S Our quality of life is so much better over here.

Edited August 28, 2007 by thesnowman

[Lansbury 19]

The nice thing about getting married in the US, is it is a less defined process than the UK. You can really do just what you want or leave out what you don't want as long as the legal bit is covered. Do what is best for yourselves so you can get the visa, that's what we did so my wife could come to the UK. No partenr visa's in those days.

[Lou Lou 1]

We were another couple that had known each other for several years and lived together etc. I was way more anti marriage than him even though he had gone through a very messy divorce after 25 years of marriage. We did the Vegas route. No guests, no fancy stuff, just a quick trip to get it over with and continue with paperwork. Is it any different? It was until I just forgot about the whole thing and didn't make a big deal about it anymore. I don't refer to him as my husband, and he doesn't refer to me as his wife...and we're settled with that. We exchanged wedding bands, but I hardly ever wear mine as it gets in the way for work. I kept my name, and pretty much life is going on as it was before.

[VisaJourneyLady 33]

If your family can't understand that is the only reason you're 'doing the deed', then too bad. I wouldn't want to 'hide' something like that the rest of my life just so they don't think I've gone against their 'wishes'.

You and your fiance don't need to have a big ta-do in order to make it legal. You don't even have to wear rings/exchange rings, or have any specific attire.

Thanks for all the support, guys.

TracyTN, I absolutely agree, that's why at first I thought it was best to tell them about it. However, they are Irish and Catholic, and seem to be incapable of thinking about marriage in half measures. It seems like they might come round eventually, but at the minute, they would be less hurt by a lie. I'm struggling to think of something plausible though.

[freecake 0]

I don't feel like we're getting married in a hurry, but we certainly aren't doing it the typical way. neither of us are obsessed with a ceremony or all the hoopla. but... my mother is a minister. So when i told her there probably won't be a typical traditional wedding she got back to me with this whole opinion. however she told me she wants me to do what will make me happy. so that's that!

[Missbollinger 1]

We didn't tell our parents until AFTER and it was kind of fun!! Look at my timeline we were together 4 years before we tied the knot and even then between the proposal and actual deed there was less than 2 weeks! Go with the flow. Are you doing it for your family or for the two of you?

[JenT 0]

If David were living in the US, we would not be married now. I had no interest in being married again * ever*, but being without David was not an option. Since the only way we could be together was through marriage, we had no other choice. Not exactly romantic, but the story of how we met is romantic enough.

You have to do what's right for you. Try not to worry so much about other people's feelings. Easier said than done, I know.

Jen

[no name 1]

We had no other way to be together...we had 2 years in London then my visa ran out. But being married is growing on me now. You gotta do what you gotta do to be together.

I won't say our quality of life is better or worse than London - just different here.

We did a small Catholic ceremony (not mass) by an old family priest in the chapel at Mom's church - her, my sis-in-law/my bro, my sis, my Mom & us. We did a bigger shebang later but the 'real' marriage was in a church & even tho I am a lapsed Catholic & J is agnostic, Mom wanted it & I'm glad we did it there. It's one thing that made me Mom thrilled not to mention I adore that priest - he confirmed me back in the day!

Edited August 28, 2007 by devilette

[TracyTN 237]

If your family can't understand that is the only reason you're 'doing the deed', then too bad. I wouldn't want to 'hide' something like that the rest of my life just so they don't think I've gone against their 'wishes'.

You and your fiance don't need to have a big ta-do in order to make it legal. You don't even have to wear rings/exchange rings, or have any specific attire.

Thanks for all the support, guys.

TracyTN, I absolutely agree, that's why at first I thought it was best to tell them about it. However, they are Irish and Catholic, and seem to be incapable of thinking about marriage in half measures. It seems like they might come round eventually, but at the minute, they would be less hurt by a lie. I'm struggling to think of something plausible though.

Well, maybe tell them that you did what devilette did - a small (non mass) Catholic ceremony performed by someone locally. That way they would know that you are married, but won't feel that you've done it 'half way' (who needs that grief from their families???!), but knowing how you both feel about marriage, they could surely understand you doing it on the 'down low'.

Lying is never optimal, but sometimes to do it in order to spare hurt feelings is the only way to go.

I hate that they put you in that position though. You two are grown adults (last time I checked)!

[C and J 1]

When I was growing up, I was never interested in marriage. It was purely a bit of paper to me and that bit of paper isn't necessary to prove how much you love someone. My whole outlook on marriage was probably because my mum and dad never married but had a loving, long term relationship. If the visa process wasn't necessary in our relationship, I could have seen us living together, unmarried, indefinitely.

Josh and I knew after our first visit together that we wanted to be together permanently and, for that to happen, we would have to marry. We waited until my 3rd visit to the US to tie the knot. It was a small ceremony, with only his parents as witnesses. The judge that performed our marriage was wonderful, we chose a vow which had a rather long passage before the actual vows, that summed up exactly how we felt for each other But it was a small event and low key.. neither of us are particularly outgoing, so suited us perfectly

Edited August 29, 2007 by C and J