How To Rebuild Trust

[almaty 19]

When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.

When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: Varies

Here's How:

Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.

Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.

If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.

Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.

The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.

Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.

Be honest.

Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.

Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.

Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.

Tips:

Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.

It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.

Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.

What You Need:

Time

Patience

Honesty

Commitment to your marriage

Love

Forgiveness

[almaty 19]

this is for those relationships....that have areas where trust is lacking or been damaged...fyi ...kind of a follow-up, on a different level, to my sweet sister lisa question...

[Jaseball 0]

There are certain things I can't forgive. It doesn't matter if we dated for 5 weeks or she was my wife of 10+ years. Being with someone means there is a range of things involved. Trust, respect, love, support, understanding, etc.

Many of these are tied together. If a woman cheats on me that means she couldn't possibly love me as much as I thought. She broke our trust and if I forgave her she would lose respect for me as well. I can't rebuild this and I don't even see the point to try. Her ### is to the curb.

See, I think you need to understand yourself and what you need and expect in a partner first. You have to trust, love, respect, etc., yourself first as well before you should share yourself with another person. After getting my heart ripped out a few times I realized this. I also realized I'd rather face life and be alone than be with someone who is using me, faking emotions, or has serious ulterior motives.

[rebeccajo 14]

Good post Dean. Very good.

As one who survived infidelity in my first marriage, but divorced 15 years after the incident, here's the part of your post I consider most important:

"If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc."

[almaty 19]

Good post Dean. Very good.

As one who survived infidelity in my first marriage, but divorced 15 years after the incident, here's the part of your post I consider most important:

"If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc."

excellent post sister becca..and i have worked with many married couples in this area...and there is a chance if both parties are agreeable to work on it and committed to saving the realtionship

[Jaseball 0]

My take is once a cheater, always a cheater. Also, if there is a decent chance of divorce or major marital problems it's probably better not to get married or if you are married, get divorced and start clean.

[Caladan 19]

It's also very easy to say 'best to start clean' that when you're not yet married and you don't have children. Or if you haven't quit your job, say, to take care of the kids, or moved halfway around the world to be with someone. People don't always have the financial resources to leave or the ability to just pack up and go, and infidelity can be forgiven.

But I think the decision to rebuild trust is a hard one, and the only guarantee is a long time in healing without a promise of being fully healed.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

brother almaty,

the voice of compassion and understanding comes out of you so easily. Thanks for this post! People (and yup, we are people) make mistakes: some manage to work through them and become better people; others just wallow on self-pity and hatred. I thank you for the post and promise to share it with Bren.

Peace, L.

[*JG* 2]

I would love to say I could do just that...work on it. However, my husband knew before he was ever close to being my husband that there are some things I could and would never forgive. Doesn't matter how intertwined our lives are at any given point. If he does anything on my (albeit very short) unforgivable list, we are over.

Our lists match so there is question there.

I do respect those who are able to work on their issues and move on with their lives together.

[Jaseball 0]

It's also very easy to say 'best to start clean' that when you're not yet married and you don't have children. Or if you haven't quit your job, say, to take care of the kids, or moved halfway around the world to be with someone. People don't always have the financial resources to leave or the ability to just pack up and go, and infidelity can be forgiven.

But I think the decision to rebuild trust is a hard one, and the only guarantee is a long time in healing without a promise of being fully healed.

Very true. I just feel you have to have a pretty low opinion of your significant other if you are willing to risk the relationship and their feelings and views on yourself for a few hours roll in the sack with someone or even worse, carry on a long term cheat fest with someone.

It places the person being cheated on in a horrible no win position. If you forgive, the other person may see you as weak, have low self respect, and screw you over again. If you don't forgive, the relationship is effectively over.

Also, the person wronged is never going to forget this and will feel they have the right to return the favor whenever someone may catch their fancy.

Beyond all that the underlying problem is if I love my girl and I feel what we have is special you can put me in a room with 2 naked super models who find me to be the most attractive guy in the world and I'm going to run away.

If I didn't care about my girl or didn't care if the relationship would be hurt or destroyed, those super models would be pretty tempting.

Infidelity is a pretty good indicator of a person's morals as well as how important they view the relationship.

It doesn't matter what words people write or say, just look at their actions and cheating on your significant other is one of the lowest things a person can do.

[Sheriff Uling 3]

When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.

When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: Varies

Here's How:

Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.

Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.

If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.

Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.

The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.

Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.

Be honest.

Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.

Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.

Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.

Tips:

Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.

It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.

Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.

What You Need:

Time

Patience

Honesty

Commitment to your marriage

Love

Forgiveness

And a baseball bat...

[rebeccajo 14]

Good post Dean. Very good.

As one who survived infidelity in my first marriage, but divorced 15 years after the incident, here's the part of your post I consider most important:

"If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc."

excellent post sister becca..and i have worked with many married couples in this area...and there is a chance if both parties are agreeable to work on it and committed to saving the realtionship

Yeah.

Thing with us was.....he couldn't keep a promise of any kind. Not the simplest thing. He'd promise to not make financial decisions without my input and then make them anyway. He promised me I could pick out my own car and then hated every car I brought home, eventually taking me to a car lot and showing me the car I needed. He'd promise to fix something around the house I needed fixed, but never get around to that because he had started new projects of his own. He'd promise to control his temper, but didn't. He'd promise not to say hurtful things again, but he couldn't stop his tongue.

Have you ever seen someone so focused on a project that their complete attention was on the task? You know - nothing around them can break their focus. He was like that daily. He was detached from anything REAL happening in the house - his gaze was always far away - thinking and planning for the next attainment, the next project, the next acquisition. He was in the house - but not present.

I really think he had give up other women. But he just couldn't stop breaking promises. It was just a transfer of selfishness - he had to satisfy his needs somehow and at any cost. I really don't think he cared what he might have told me or promised me. Or maybe he really didn't remember making a promise. All that ever mattered was the next thing he wanted, needed or had to have. As soon as one thing was conquered, there was always another.

Sad.

[almaty 19]

brother almaty,

the voice of compassion and understanding comes out of you so easily. Thanks for this post! People (and yup, we are people) make mistakes: some manage to work through them and become better people; others just wallow on self-pity and hatred. I thank you for the post and promise to share it with Bren.

Peace, L.

sister len, you are a woman of thought and character.....in life, there are no "they live happy ever after'..problems come and go..some are severe and rock the relationship to the foundation..in the end, both parties must decide if they can go on..or not..and if they decide to go on..then counseling for both are needed.

Edited August 28, 2007 by almaty

[one...two...tree 2,762]

this is for those relationships....that have areas where trust is lacking or been damaged...fyi ...kind of a follow-up, on a different level, to my sweet sister lisa question...

Thank you, brother. Valuable information.

[joelunchbox 0]

When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.

When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: Varies

Here's How:

Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.

Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.

If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.

Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.

The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.

Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.

Be honest.

Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.

Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.

Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.

Tips:

Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.

It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.

Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.

What You Need:

Time

Patience

Honesty

Commitment to your marriage

Love

Forgiveness

Also, if even the thought of Divorce creeps into your mind--deal with it. Talk to your spouse. don't wait to see if things get better--why should they get better if you aren't doing anything??

One more thing, if you go and get marriage counseling (I recommend it) make sure you get someone who believes in marriage. That may seem like a strange thing to say but there are people out there who believe that women should live by themselves i.e. they don't believe that 1+1 can equal much more than 2.

anything is possible, be careful about what you say are absolutes...

Good post!!