Question about male behaviour

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

Well you can be 'generally bored with life', doesn't mean that you're specifically bored with your marriage.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

Yes she is but you know us men we are lazy when it comes to keeping the fire going in a relationship.

Good communication is the key, he needs to hear what you are saying and he has to tell you what is going on in his head.

[Cassandra+Yuibi 0]

My husband cannot and will not sleep longer than four hours so my behaviour will not impact that at all - sadly.

He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough. To him those two issues are directly inter-related. He said only about a month ago when we were driving in the car that his next big project for me is a tummy-tuck so I know those are big issues for him.

I'm a size 16 so it's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything. He wants me to be a size 6. I think his issues about not comingto bed with me are tied into the fact that he can't bear to feel my body because it's not tight and toned like he wants it to be.

I don't know what else to do - I'm 39 and it has gotten gotten harder as I get older. H enever even commends me on getting out of bed at 4:30 to go the the gym. It's like nothing I do is valued because it will never be enough in his eyes.

I hate being irritated because it's not me and I'm putting on a brave front but sometimes I just want to scream....and I am confident and self-assured that's one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I have a high-level job etc and was a single parent for 14 years so there is no question of being "needy". That was exactly what he didnt want in his next wife!!

If my SO told me he wanted me to lose weight within X time or he wouldn't love me anymore- I wouldn't want to be around him at all- much less be worried about him coming to bed every night!

That sounds like he is selfish and inconsiderate. Loving unconditionally means that you love and care for someone no matter what- weight should be the least of his concerns with the exception of him genuinly being concerned about your health. But considering he has a size goal and wants to give you a tummy tuck so you'll be more pleasing to him- that bothers me a lot.

Maybe I'm being too harsh- but that really ticks me off that someone has the nerve to say that to their wife at all. I think you should tell him that its YOUR body not his. And in my opinion- you should be losing the weight for yourself and not someone else- it'll be all the more difficult to lose if you are losing it not out of a desire to be healthier- but because you feel held hostage by your husband.

[mawilson 2,133]

I can totally understand your husband - I'm the same way. I always go to bed crazy late

(1am-3am) and my wife can't function after 11pm. She's a morning person, I'm definitely NOT.

Nothing / no-one can force me to go to bed before midnight.

[Cassandra+Yuibi 0]

I can totally understand your husband - I'm the same way. I always go to bed crazy late

(1am-3am) and my wife can't function after 11pm. She's a morning person, I'm definitely NOT.

Nothing / no-one can force me to go to bed before midnight.

I think the issue wasn't his sleeping habits- it was that after three years of marriage he has suddenly in the past couple of weeks started this behavior without explanation.

I'm a night owl and my SO is a morning person- so I'm up late while he's in bed- I understand that situation- but having a sudden change in that behavior and not giving her an explanation is a different story.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

My wife likes to stay up late so I try to always stay up with her even if we are just watching TV in bed. I stay off the computer at night unless she is chatting with her family or something. I may be different than most men because my wife is my everything! She is 8 months pregnant too so I try extra hard to pay attention to her. The weight thing shouldn't matter to him but I do understand that women don't feel sexy if they think they are overweight. I think my wife is sexy even 8 months pregnant.

I like what one person said about being active in their home country but now needs things to occupy their minds. This is true but some habits need to change once you are married and especially when you have children.

[no name 1]

I may be different than most men because my wife is my everything!

Yes she is but you know us men we are lazy when it comes to keeping the fire going in a relationship.

Edited August 23, 2007 by devilette

[one...two...tree 2,762]

perfect,

My parents had the same issue - my father would stay up a couple of hours later than my mom and it was a conflict for them, but as I recall, my father tried his best to understand her POV, and my mother also came to a better understanding. They're both now long retired and everytime I visit them, I watch them go to bed together now. So some people can change their habits.

[Traviesa 0]

I don't think the bedtime is really the issue. It seems more like perfect's husband is depriving her of affection in general-bedtime being when she notices it the most-because he's unhappy with SOMETHING. If that something truly is her weight, that's pretty cold and ugly of him to be so shallow. But I suspect there's more to it. Good luck, perfect, in figuring out what's really behind everything.

[isleta521 5]

Sorry to hear about this Perfect. The most important thing is communication and he seems to be dodging the communication part. Perhaps something is stressing him out at work or family. But him to threaten you to lose weight as opposed to encourage you is to me not very agreeable. My wife has gained weight (including me) but if I had threatened her I think my place to sleep would be on the sofa or outside of the house .

I hope this is just a passing thing and everything gets better for you soon.

[garya505 2]

SHE: If you loved me, you would show me more affection regardless of my weight.

HE: If you loved me, you would lose the weight.

Hmmm, I knew a couple just like this. They are now divorced and both remarried. He married a woman who is not overweight, and she married a guy who doesn't mind if his wife is overweight. They both seem to be happy now.

In a perfect world with perfect people, our weight wouldn't matter, but we're not perfect and it does matter. This is true for both women AND men.

BTW, depending on your height, 30lbs may put you in the medically obese category and puts you at risk of all sorts of health problems.

[perfect 39]

Thank you all.

His previous marriage was to an anorexic/bulimic who went down to a size 0 from a size 6. He said this time he would try "walking in a different pair of shoes".

Even my son has noticed how hard he is on me. Even silly things like even though he gets home from work between 2-3pm (he leaves in the morning at about 7 or sometimes works from home) , he will sit and watch TV or just "hang" and when I come home at 6pm ( I leave the house at 6:30am) I still have to do ALL the other things myself, drop off and pick up dry cleaning, pick up pills, buy groceries, put gas in the car, cook, wash the dishes, etc. I know that's what I signed up for and I do feel that I should do those things as a wife, but I just wish he would put in some effort somewhere - it feels like it's so one-sided.

He IS my everything - I just wish I was his. We were speaking about how I felt the other day becasue he NEVER pays me a compliment - I know he can because he does with other people. He replied that he does, so I asked him when because I don't remember and I want to because it's important to me. He said - you're smart and you're good with money! He can't find anything else to compliment me for which is sad because those things could be said about work colleagues or anyone for whom he has no affection or attachment to at all.

I just want to be important to him.

[TracyTN 237]

Thank you all.

His previous marriage was to an anorexic/bulimic who went down to a size 0 from a size 6. He said this time he would try "walking in a different pair of shoes".

Even my son has noticed how hard he is on me. Even silly things like even though he gets home from work between 2-3pm (he leaves in the morning at about 7 or sometimes works from home) , he will sit and watch TV or just "hang" and when I come home at 6pm ( I leave the house at 6:30am) I still have to do ALL the other things myself, drop off and pick up dry cleaning, pick up pills, buy groceries, put gas in the car, cook, wash the dishes, etc. I know that's what I signed up for and I do feel that I should do those things as a wife, but I just wish he would put in some effort somewhere - it feels like it's so one-sided.

He IS my everything - I just wish I was his. We were speaking about how I felt the other day becasue he NEVER pays me a compliment - I know he can because he does with other people. He replied that he does, so I asked him when because I don't remember and I want to because it's important to me. He said - you're smart and you're good with money! He can't find anything else to compliment me for which is sad because those things could be said about work colleagues or anyone for whom he has no affection or attachment to at all.

I just want to be important to him.

A marriage is a partnership. I don't mind doing those things after I work all day if I know my hubby does them sometimes, too. But to expect you to do it and never pitch in is crazy.

Since your hubby seems to want a perfect body, well, what's his like? Is he Arnold made over or a flabby middle aged guy?

Edited August 23, 2007 by TracyTN

[JODO 2]

There is no man on this planet that I would allow to manipulate or control me over my body size, weight or look.... whet he is doing is wrong... if he wanted a size 6 wife then why did he not marry a size 6 woman.. you should feel good about what you are doing for yourself not because your husband has made threats about what his next project is... tummy tuck indead...

Sorry but that is so wrong...

Kez

I'm with you

[Mrs.J06 4]

Thank you all.

His previous marriage was to an anorexic/bulimic who went down to a size 0 from a size 6. He said this time he would try "walking in a different pair of shoes".

Before or after he complained about her weight?

And I don't think you signed up for being his housekeeper! Since you are working at least as long as he does, household chores should be split more or less, IMO.

He really seems to take advantage of your eagerness to please and make this marriage work!