Question about male behaviour

[perfect 39]

I hope you don't think I'm stupid or being overly sensitive or if you do think so, please be nice about saying so!

We've been married now for almost 3 years with just the usual ups and downs of any married couple and life itself - nothing major.

My husband's behaviour has changed over the last 3 weeks and I feel as though he is not being sensitive enough to my feelings or needs. I tried talking to him about it last night -without being too "heavy" about it but he just dismissed my question completely.

The problem is that now he never comes to bed at the same time as me (and I don't mean "at the exact same time" as I know that's not realistic). He always waits until I've gone to sleep, or he thinks I've gone to sleep. Before we married he never went to bed any later than 10:00pm because he only sleeps 4 hours a night and leaves for work reasonably early in the day. Now he sits up until 12am 1am or even 2am in the morning, watching TV or "working on the computer".

So I go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 and he doesn't come to bed for hours such that three times over the last 2 weeks I've got out of bed to see if he's coming to bed at all. I tried staying up later, until 11:30 to see if he could come to bed at the same time then, but no - he stayed up until 1:45am. It seems that whatever time I go to bed he just doesn't want to come to bed with me.

I asked him about it last night and he just said that he has always been like it and it's never going to change. I reminded him that he hasn't always been like it and that it would be nice to feel important enough to him that he will understand my need to have him beside me but he just ignored what I said and walked out of the room back to the TV.

It's not like I want sex all the time, rather than I want to feel as though he loves me, wants to be with me and understands the female need of closeness - he just doesn't seem to care, but his work and the TV is more important which makes me feel like s***.

I know he hates my weight (i have put on 30 lb since moving here) but god only kows I'm trying hard - even getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get to the gym befroe work.

I'm at a loss to know what to do or think or say. Any ideas or helpful comments?

[JODO 2]

Sounds like he is being a jerk.

[Emancipation 2]

My husband's behaviour has changed over the last 3 weeks and I feel as though he is not being sensitive enough to my feelings or needs. I tried talking to him about it last night -without being too "heavy" about it but he just dismissed my question completely.

Feeling dismissed by anyone ESPECIALLY your husband is not good.. i'm so sorry that happened and that he's not listening right now.

I would feel like ####### if hubby didn't want to come to bed with me too..

I don't really know what to say other than I can see why you feel the way you do..

I think I'd try e-mailing or another form of communication to try to make him understand... It's hard to see what he's thinking - Cause I think even if hes' not ready to come to bed, he could lay with you until you fall asleep and then get up again no?

[bszoom42 0]

Hmm... I have an idea. First, let me tell you its crazy for you to take any advice I give.

Why don't you try going to sleep earlier? This way he will get to sleep earlier. Sleep deprivation causes people to make crazy decisions. My guess is that you are correct, he is waiting for you to get to sleep to go to bed. So, by you challenging him and staying up later you are just exacerbating the issue.

If you go to sleep earlier, and don't check up on him, he should go to sleep earlier too. This will let him sleep more, which may make him more agreeable to discussing the issue. Then after a couple of weeks, once he is better rested, you can perhaps re-open the topic of what is it that bothers him that he doesn't feel comfortable going to sleep with you?

As for the weight, you need to decide what weight you want to be, and work towards that. In my case, my fiancee is rediculously thin, that is her body type and there is no way for me to make her gain weight, I have tried...

As for me, I am packing about 25-30 extra pounds. Does she like it? No. Has she accepted it? Yes - it is part of who I am. Am I trying to lose weight? Yes, but my goal is to lose 1/2 - 1 pound per month. Seriously - I'm not in any rush to lose any weight, but I do want to make her happy, and its real healthy to lose weight slow.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I hope you don't think I'm stupid or being overly sensitive or if you do think so, please be nice about saying so!

We've been married now for almost 3 years with just the usual ups and downs of any married couple and life itself - nothing major.

My husband's behaviour has changed over the last 3 weeks and I feel as though he is not being sensitive enough to my feelings or needs. I tried talking to him about it last night -without being too "heavy" about it but he just dismissed my question completely.

The problem is that now he never comes to bed at the same time as me (and I don't mean "at the exact same time" as I know that's not realistic). He always waits until I've gone to sleep, or he thinks I've gone to sleep. Before we married he never went to bed any later than 10:00pm because he only sleeps 4 hours a night and leaves for work reasonably early in the day. Now he sits up until 12am 1am or even 2am in the morning, watching TV or "working on the computer".

So I go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 and he doesn't come to bed for hours such that three times over the last 2 weeks I've got out of bed to see if he's coming to bed at all. I tried staying up later, until 11:30 to see if he could come to bed at the same time then, but no - he stayed up until 1:45am. It seems that whatever time I go to bed he just doesn't want to come to bed with me.

I asked him about it last night and he just said that he has always been like it and it's never going to change. I reminded him that he hasn't always been like it and that it would be nice to feel important enough to him that he will understand my need to have him beside me but he just ignored what I said and walked out of the room back to the TV.

It's not like I want sex all the time, rather than I want to feel as though he loves me, wants to be with me and understands the female need of closeness - he just doesn't seem to care, but his work and the TV is more important which makes me feel like s***.

I know he hates my weight (i have put on 30 lb since moving here) but god only kows I'm trying hard - even getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get to the gym befroe work.

I'm at a loss to know what to do or think or say. Any ideas or helpful comments?

If I knew the answer to that one I'd be a milionaire!

After being in various relationships of 2 yrs+ and having 5 brothers I get it sometimes that men just want space to work their issues. Men are soletary creatures that need to work their problems out on their own. Sometimes I make my Husband mad and then he goes into hiding for two weeks or longer from me. Later after he's worked it out for himself he explains that he feels it's better to clam up then get angry with me. As if he is sparing me his anger in trade for the silence. No matter what I still say the silence treatment is just as painful.

All I can offer is that I have accepted it as that's just who he is and I am who I am. During these times he gets quiet and distant I work on myself and don't worry about him. So kudos to you for identifying why you think he's mad and attempting to work on yourself.

I know my Husband will come eventually come around and get back to normal as I hope yours does. I also remind myself that my Husband loves me even when he's going through something like yours is.

Good luck!

Olivia

[britbird 4]

He sounds a bit childish.

My husband was a bit like that when we first got hitched (couple years ago) and before. He would get up early for no apparent reason because he said he wanted time to read all the news bits on the computer before he went to work, or he'd come to bed later after me etc etc. I found it annoying not because of a lack of physical contact but because he'd wake me up when he got up/got into bed.

It finally sunk in that it was not fair to do that (i started out nicely by asking him to at the very least get changed in the other room etc so as not to wake me up. And then I think he finally worked out that it just wasn't fair to behave like that.

Having said that, I have changed too - I would get annoyed when he'd spend time on the computer rather than hanging out with me on the couch, or things of that sort. Now I just leave him alone and he's the one who gets lonely (weird huh? Very teenager - if you just stop giving them 'attention' whether it be of the nice sort or the nagging sort, they get all 'well now I WANT attention). Anyhoo, he's much better.

My silly advice therefore would be to start acting like you are perfectly content to go to bed at your chosen time, and couldn't give a hoot what he's up to.

My regular advice would be to try to figure out exactly what the problem is - it could be absolutely nothign to do with you at all and he's having a stressful time at work, or maybe he just needs some 'alone time' when he comes home from work (lots of peeps need that, me included). If it's really about your weight then he needs to grow the hell up, and you shouldn't try to be loosing weight for him, you should be doign it for yourself. Get out there, go for some walks and whatnot, see if you can take some classes at the gym and make some buddies and you'll be more contented. Men seem to be drawn to content self assured chicks, so go out and do your thing

(and if this computer ####### keeps up, just pull out the motherboard)

[Ban Hammer 13,895]

Sounds like he is being a jerk.

or like someone with something really heavy on his mind. for perfect, is there something going on with his parents or at work that might be causing him to stew?

[perfect 39]

My husband cannot and will not sleep longer than four hours so my behaviour will not impact that at all - sadly.

He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough. To him those two issues are directly inter-related. He said only about a month ago when we were driving in the car that his next big project for me is a tummy-tuck so I know those are big issues for him.

I'm a size 16 so it's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything. He wants me to be a size 6. I think his issues about not comingto bed with me are tied into the fact that he can't bear to feel my body because it's not tight and toned like he wants it to be.

I don't know what else to do - I'm 39 and it has gotten gotten harder as I get older. H enever even commends me on getting out of bed at 4:30 to go the the gym. It's like nothing I do is valued because it will never be enough in his eyes.

I hate being irritated because it's not me and I'm putting on a brave front but sometimes I just want to scream....and I am confident and self-assured that's one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I have a high-level job etc and was a single parent for 14 years so there is no question of being "needy". That was exactly what he didnt want in his next wife!!

Edited August 23, 2007 by perfect

[Traviesa 0]

So sorry to hear all that. I feel sad just reading it. It's not nice how he's treating you but unfortunately I don't know what to tell you to do about it.

[KaiserD 12]

I don't want to sound negative or give you fears (eh..I think I am starting to earn that reputation anyway )

But I don't like the way you tried to talk about it and he shut you off, or dismissed you that it was nothing to worry about. To me, that says guilt.

I think e-mailing him would be a good idea like someone said, some other form of communication. But this is sad, people shouldn't have to result in wildly crying or flailing your arms to get across the feeling that you are upset and that this is worrying you - just saying it should be enough!

I put on weight too, hubby grumbles. Tough right now I'm afraid! I will deal with it when I have found the best way to go about it.

Hope everything gets sorted out and that it ends up being something small

[TracyTN 237]

I don't think different bed times are a problem in and of themselves. I'm working right now, and getting up at 5:30 am. Hubby isn't, and only has to get up early if he needs the car that day (and thus must take me to work). It doesn't bother me in the slightest that he sometimes wants to stay up later than I do. I don't feel neglected or as if we're not close because of it.

I think the problem here is the change in the pattern for you two. You're probably wondering if something really is wrong between you two. Or it could be something as has already been suggested here - something else is wrong w/ him, he's stressed, etc.

Maybe instead of asking him why he's doing it, tell him why its concerning you - that its different from 'normal' and you are wondering if there's anything wrong you should know about (or can help him with). If you're not satisfied with his answer, then there may be something else at play.

Having read this quote from you : "He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough" sends up a HUGE red flag for me. My hubby has put on some weight since he got here, too. Does it make me love him less, or make me think he doesn't love me enough? NO. (Instead it makes me think he likes IHOP too much

Its emotional blackmail to say he will 'cut you off emotionally' if you don't do this or that. What kind of a man says that??

Edited August 23, 2007 by TracyTN

[TracyTN 237]

Oh and does he have a perfect body or something?

[john_and_marlene 162]

Put the TV in the bedroom.

[almaty 19]

wow...i think one conversation will result in you and your husband coming to a conclusion...he sounded defensive..and probably thought, you were confronting him on his devotion to you....

need to discuss this again,at a later date..on a week-end, not at night..

i do not think any speculation on this thread by posters..will help you..and certainly a piling on and negative comments about your spouse..will not reinforce a constructive view of him,,,

Edited August 23, 2007 by almaty

[Marilyn. 340]

My husband cannot and will not sleep longer than four hours so my behaviour will not impact that at all - sadly.

He has always said that if I don't lose my weight within a "reasonable time" in his estimation he will cut me off emotionally because it shows I don't love him enough. To him those two issues are directly inter-related. He said only about a month ago when we were driving in the car that his next big project for me is a tummy-tuck so I know those are big issues for him.

I'm a size 16 so it's not like I weigh 300lbs or anything. He wants me to be a size 6. I think his issues about not comingto bed with me are tied into the fact that he can't bear to feel my body because it's not tight and toned like he wants it to be.

I don't know what else to do - I'm 39 and it has gotten gotten harder as I get older. H enever even commends me on getting out of bed at 4:30 to go the the gym. It's like nothing I do is valued because it will never be enough in his eyes.

I hate being irritated because it's not me and I'm putting on a brave front but sometimes I just want to scream....and I am confident and self-assured that's one of the things that drew him to me in the first place. I have a high-level job etc and was a single parent for 14 years so there is no question of being "needy". That was exactly what he didnt want in his next wife!!

you should have a talk with him about the weight thing... he shouldn't be holding that over your head....

we all hope and wish that our SO's love us for who we are, not what we might look like...