Fiance Disapeared !!

[Jaseball 0]

Probably if the OP wants to continue this thread the next best thing would be to hear he heard from her and got closure or in a few weeks/months he starts a new relationship.

Speculation can range all over and does little good besides incite the imagination. There are plenty of details left out here that are none of our business. Heck, what if it is the stereotypical situation? Older USC find 22-28 year old, great looking foreign female and brings her in and is defrauded? It sure wasn't the first time this has happened and it sure won't be the last.

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

Maybe that's why his friends warned him off.

Perhaps he is some old guy, with a bunch of failed relationships behind him who has no business with a young virginal, naive, church going, (as he paints her) and his friends knew it.

Edited August 26, 2007 by jane2005

[garya505 2]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Sorry I did not get your obscure reference to some song.

Your inference that I "used" her the same way that she used me, is a little insulting. It would definetly appear that she did use me for a VISA, or did she "rely" on me for the VISA.

Your post about hearing songs in your head.. have you been taking your meds.?

Your statement about how we are were not on the same page is more accurate.

I APOLOGIZE to the rest of you here, but I could not help but respond to this poster. Bitter, know it all types get under my skin.

I have more respect for people that say, "dude she's gone. get over it and move on."

On another note, the youtube clip was funny.

have a good afternoon..........

I don't think Rebeccajo was bitter or know-it-all about it, just pointing out the way things were starting to look. Just turn the page (sorry, couldn't resist responding to a Seger quote with a Seger quote)

Jonkam, I'll put it right out there for you. And this is just my 'unbitter' opinion.

You say you spoke to your girl about once a week prior to her coming here (if I recall and please do correct me if I am wrong). She said all she wanted was to be a housewife. It sounds more to me like you two had a loose arrangement rather than a deep commitment. An arrangement you hoped would work out when she arrived. It didn't and now about two weeks after the fact, not only are you not sending someone out to look for her, but you are talking about meeting other women.

Now - that might not have been your intent. But if she felt at all like this was an 'arrangement' for you - well maybe she just didn't feel so guilty about going ahead with something she felt was more advantageous to her.

I know if it were ME - even if I had used some guy to get what I wanted - and he didn't come looking for me or sending someone out to inquire about my personal safety - well that would just prove to me that the 'other situation' I had run off to was better than the scheme I came in on.

sheesh

[jonkam 0]

Yes I think I am too trusting. This part of my nature has caused me to get "burned" in the past. Even with the situation I am faced with, I do not think it will cause me to be distrustful. when people are forced to communicate over a long distance it is much more difficult to spot deception. I forget the exact %, but i have read that over 50% of comunication is nonverbal. i.e., body language. I am quite sure, even with my trusting nature, if all our comunication was face to face, I would have been more likely to spot this. So, as with many of us here on VJ, we are forced to only communicate verbally, which is only less than half of the way humans comunicate. What was my point again. i forget....

Besides talking we would e-mail several times a week. Yes communication is very important in any relationship. Yes we only talked 2-3 hours a week. Besides the huge time differnce betwwen us, there was the fact that we both lead rather boring lives. She did not work. Only stayed home and helped her mother around the house. Despite living in a good sized city, there were no dance clubs or other things people might do for fun. I go to work, come home, relax, make dinner, watch some T.V. go to sleep. wake up, go to work etc., etc. etc., Maybe, about once a week, if my friends got "permision" from their wives, I would go have a few beers. Rather boring, I know.

As far as looking inward to see how I may have brought this down on myself. I have done that. I know you do not know me and can only see what I am tell you. But, I know in my heart, that I have have done nothing to deserve this. I have always been very honest, sincere, generous, and loyal. It never fails that when something bad happens in a relationship with an "innocent and naive third world girl" , it is always the guy that gets blamed. And the blaming always comes from a woman, usually from the U.S.

Yes there are a lot of sad stories ( cebuanagirl or similiar name) out there where the men seem to be clearly jerks. But WHY is it so difficult for some to believe that the woman can be the "jerk" in a relationship also. It is always the case though, the man getting the blame. Woman leaves man, man is to blame, Simple as that. Or is it?

I suppose it is natural to be a little suspicious, especially when people only hear one side of a story. But, I know in my own heart and soul that i did nothing to deserve this.

As far as wanting her to be a housewife. As stated she told me she wanted this. I'm just an average Jo, not rich. I would have actually prefered her to go to work. Not merly to help out financially, but to keep her busy and possibly make some girlfriends. I know if i was stuck at home, forever, I would go batty.

As far as being in emotional ruin by this. I am still very disturbed by this situation. Just because I can string together a bunch of words to make coherent sentences, does not mean, I am not deeply hurt. I think (generally) men can control there emotions a little better. The last time I shed a tear was almost 25 years ago when my grandpa died. This is not to say I have not felt the urge to. It was my upbringing, my father would say "boys don't cry" and whack me in the head. Even when i was in Iraq and had people trying to kill me I was able to keep my cool. My mother was very loving and affectionate when I was a child, so i do not think i have a problem showing these emotions and no one has ever said that I do have a problem with this. Some people may perceive, that from my posts that I am not greatly hurt and disturbed by my situation because I can write (somewhat) rationally and clearly. It would not be "me" to write. "oh my God she's left, Oh My, oh dear she's gone , My love of my life, Oh where are you, I can;t go on". (Inside) I felt very much like this and still do to some extent.

As far as her sleeping with me, then meeting a different guy later, very possible. You know why I say it is VERY possible: because this exact thing has happened to me before, a long time ago. A girl friend, virgin, fooled around on me. All non-virgins had to have "a first" time. How many of them are still with there "first" guy??? I'd place a large bet on " NOT MANY". I have my reasons for thinking a certain scenario would be more likely than another. I have not posted every little detail about how I have come to certain conclusions. (would take too long). But i think I am somewhat rational and can think logically. I will probably never know for sure and with time , I HOPE that i won't care. For now i still do care, but I am slowly moving on.

The cold feet thing has been suggested and it is a very slim possibility. With all the little peices of puzzle that I know, it is highly unlikely.

Take care...

[garya505 2]

I'm glad this is helping you in some way because getting to the bottom of things is the only M.O. I have. Some people may have a problem with my 'style' but for me it works better than just coming out rudely and blurting an opinion. I prefer to read for a while before I interject, especially with personal stuff like this.

I'm not judging you. But what I am wondering is how this went so wrong. Perhaps you were too trusting. I have no way of knowing. But when something bad like this happens in my life, I find a bit of introspection into what I did to invite the situation is usually good. It's a tough thing to do, but it's far more healthy than just blaming the other party.

I would venture a guess that most of us speak (or spoke) to our foreign partners more than once a week. Not only because we missed them, but because it gives everybody a chance to get to know each other. Why that occured with you, I don't personally know. Good question for you to ask yourself though.

As far as the 'housewife' thing goes, maybe you meant it one way and she took it another. Or maybe you really are looking for such a partner. There's nothing at all wrong with it if you are. I was a housewife myself for several years and I quite liked it. Again - good question to ask yourself.

Unfortunately, your story isn't the first one of these I have read. And it's not the first one either where the man has had a similar reaction. I guess as women, we would like to think you would now be in a puddle - some sort of mental state of anxiety, crushed and ruined. And desperately seeking her, if for no other reason than to find out she is safe. Everytime my ex-husband ever showed up home late, I was always worried sick that he was lying in a ditch somewhere, all the while telling myself that if I found out he was off with more of his monkey business, he'd pay for it later. But I still wondered where he was.

Jonkam - family immigration is a serious matter. It's more than just international dating. I'm sure you KNOW that, but some people do treat it as if its just some romantic game where they can choose from a wide variety of ideal partners. And that includes the foreign partner as well as the USC. There ARE situations where the USC uses the foreign partner, just as there are situations where the foreign partner uses the USC.

I'm really not trying to make you feel worse or to ####### in your mess kit. There are just parts of this that don't quite add up for me, insofar as your girl completely using you. If she came here to meet up with some other dude, and she was the virgin you say she was, then I doubt she would have slept with you. This girl could have the biggest case of cold feet since "Runaway Bride" and you are easily chalking it up to visa fraud. Why? Because she came on a visa? Because you don't know her very well? These are only questions you can answer, my friend.

sheesh x2

[one...two...tree 2,762]

As far as me saying I was looking for a date. It was meant in a sort of joking way. i think that it is a healthy sign that I could joke about such a thing.

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Edited August 26, 2007 by Mister Fancypants

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

Well to your credit, you've sure put a lot of time into posting about your relationship here. You've sent a lot of emails, you've tried to track her down throgh her friend/family. No point going flying off into the night trying to find someone when you have no clear idea of where they are. I'd say at this point you're properly upset (and somewhat obsessed, which i consider normal btw). You don't need to go around sobbing all the time (lol like I do when I am upset), just to show that you actually have real feelings.

I'll offer another scenerio - maybe she is still staying with her initial friend who she went to see first. Maybe she just got her friend to say that she was not there and lead you off with the red herring about her being with friends elsewhere.

It doesn't really matter who is to blame in these types of situations, usually that's non-productive, whether you are blaming yourself or the other person. It is what it is and eventually it'll not really matter much.

[Donna A 4]

if u want to move on and find someone else then theres nothing wrong with that. its not too soon at all. as far as im concerned put the past in the past and move on to the future. the way to forget one love is to find another. im all for it.

its not saying u didnt love her cuz u move on. with the way things turned out for u its best just to move on.

[jonkam 0]

I am getting ready to go out for the evening so I'll be fast.

First yes in the future I will post if she does make contact or if Sarah tells me anything

I am in my thirties so I'm not that old. She is a little over ten years my junior. Not totally strange.

My parents are 10 years differnce and hers 14.

As far a string of failed relationships, i have usually been the one to call it quits. i have never been married but have had 4 proposals by women. When I was younger I had no desire to get married or have children. my biological clock is ticking and my attitudes have turned a 180.

The brazilintro thing. very funny, I laughed a little on that one. Thanks but NO thanks...

Thanks to all.. gotta hang with some freinds and have a few.. don't really want to, but i know i gotta get out....

[DerekJ 0]

I am getting ready to go out for the evening so I'll be fast.

First yes in the future I will post if she does make contact or if Sarah tells me anything

I am in my thirties so I'm not that old. She is a little over ten years my junior. Not totally strange.

My parents are 10 years differnce and hers 14.

As far a string of failed relationships, i have usually been the one to call it quits. i have never been married but have had 4 proposals by women. When I was younger I had no desire to get married or have children. my biological clock is ticking and my attitudes have turned a 180.

The brazilintro thing. very funny, I laughed a little on that one. Thanks but NO thanks...

Thanks to all.. gotta hang with some freinds and have a few.. don't really want to, but i know i gotta get out....

Hey Jon,

I've been reading your story for the last 30 min or so (though I skipped the last few pages). Sorry you don't have any resolution to this. It's a real head-scratcher. I think you are doing the best in moving on until you hear differently. At a minimum, she owes you some sort of explanation...even if it is another guy, some closure would be nice. My best wishes for your future. Let us know how you're holding up.

[DerekJ 0]

It also has occurred to me that this very well may be a major case of cold feet. This does not quite fit a deception scenario, imo. If someone is so deceptive to use the visa process to get here, they likewise would be knowledgeable of the consequences of fraud. Why not stick around and see the other guy on the sly? It would be a heck of a lot easier than than "being on the run." The sick mother may have a lot to do with what's going on here. As you have said, your fiancee is a conservative girl, young, not from a big city and I gather somewhat inexperienced. She left her ill mother to come here to a place where she only knows you and some longtime friends. Where else would she run to but to the people she knows best? You were an exciting guy who would be able to provide her a life different from what she knew. However, when the moment of truth arrived, she saw that the cultural adjustment was huge and probably felt no small amount of guilt in leaving her mother. Rather than talk out the issues, she booked. Difficult and infuriating but not all that surprising from an inexperienced young person. Family and friends are huge in the Latin world. To leave that just may have been too much for her to bear.

Edited August 26, 2007 by DerekJ

[cartaverde 12]

Hey Jon,

I read thru this as well.. oh gosh. I can think only of very few people who could think as clear in that situation.

I don't know what she would have been thinking .. it's all too absurd. And even reading it just hurts.

At least there is 'karmic justice' so when someone does something wrong, they will pay for it, sooner or later. Her choices and decisions will not make an easy life for her for the rest of the life.

She could at least give a short note of herself, what she's planning or doing, or at least why she went away.

Perhaps .. if she was planning to do this for all the time, it was a bit better that she did it now, and not after getting the green card and full licences to stay. Nevertheless, it sucks, it hurts, it's just wrong... :'(

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

Another possible scenerio:

You said you made a joke about her being with another man and that she became upset. Maybe she thought that you had plans on forcing her to become a prostitute. So, she tried to act as normally as possible until she was able to get away. She didn't leave a note and doesn't want you to find her because of this.

[MKCT 0]

Another possible scenerio:

You said you made a joke about her being with another man and that she became upset. Maybe she thought that you had plans on forcing her to become a prostitute. So, she tried to act as normally as possible until she was able to get away. She didn't leave a note and doesn't want you to find her because of this.

LMAO!!! You are kidding right? I'm sorry but I just can't stop laughing....

Anyways, I think Derek is right, family is a huge thing for latin people and I'm 100% sure that this girl's mother knows everything about her daughter's plans and whereabouts even more if she was such a conservative girl. If only the mother could speak english...

About the karmic justice, it is completely truth....you pay for all the bad you do, but you pay here while you are alive, not when you are dead neither in your next life.

That brazilian ad was funny! Where are you from? Maybe we can hook you up with someone from N.Y! HAHAHAHAHA! (time to laugh & move on)

--MIRLA.

Edited August 26, 2007 by Mirla

[jonkam 0]

Another possible scenerio:

You said you made a joke about her being with another man and that she became upset. Maybe she thought that you had plans on forcing her to become a prostitute. So, she tried to act as normally as possible until she was able to get away. She didn't leave a note and doesn't want you to find her because of this.

What?? Come on. you must be joking.... She was not mentally challenged. Morally challenged, but not mentally challenged. We knew each other for a long time. She knew I was not a person who would do such a thing.

People have suggested that my imagination is a little too active, but this takes it to new level.