Fiance Disapeared !!

[tmma 467]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Not to be obtuse here-but I don't see the Bob Seger song connection, either...

Anyway....I think they both have oars in the water-just not rowing in the same direction.

Damn.....Now I am thinking of a song....

[tmma 467]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Not to be obtuse here-but I don't see the Bob Seger song connection, either...

Anyway....I think they both have oars in the water-just not rowing in the same direction.

Damn.....Now I am thinking of a song....

PS That woman is NOT me

Edited August 25, 2007 by tmma

[Fandango 1,439]

PS That woman is NOT me

Ok, I'mma start 5 secs after you....

good job! :thumbs:

[rebeccajo 14]

LOL..........just one more example of how some days on Vj feel like kindergarten!

[Fandango 1,439]

better to be in kindergarten than the nursing home!

[rebeccajo 14]

better to be in kindergarten than the nursing home!

I hear ya.

But the mailman stopped delivering my Weekly Reader when the AARP applications started being delivered to my mailbox.

[foxtobee 1]

Anybody know of any nice women "IN" the U.S. I am single again.............

I hope you are joking! I would not even be able to breathe let alone type those words if I were you.

I do understand, because I think that even though it's hard for Jon, he should move on with his life. If she really love Jon, she would have contacted him and not play this trick on him.

[lirachadsbaby 0]

it happened and all u have to do is to send her back to her hometown in any legal means. next time, choose wisely and be cautious.

[jonkam 0]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Sorry I did not get your obscure reference to some song.

Your inference that I "used" her the same way that she used me, is a little insulting. It would definetly appear that she did use me for a VISA, or did she "rely" on me for the VISA.

Your post about hearing songs in your head.. have you been taking your meds.?

Your statement about how we are were not on the same page is more accurate.

I APOLOGIZE to the rest of you here, but I could not help but respond to this poster. Bitter, know it all types get under my skin.

I have more respect for people that say, "dude she's gone. get over it and move on."

On another note, the youtube clip was funny.

have a good afternoon..........

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

I've tried reading through the whole thread but it's kind of long. Perhaps this is a young girl who thought she was ready to get married and then decided that she wasn't. You said she was a virgin when you met her, and also that you had cohabitated with other girls in the past, so I'm thinking that as far as relationships go that you are probably more experienced than her. Maybe she is still a very nice, moral' "church" girl, but also young and prone to make mistakes due to lack of experience. It's not nice fou you though to be the person who gets the short end of her mistake.

I do hope she contacts you to tell you what is going on, it sounds like it's pretty hard on you (as it would be on anyone), not knowing what is going on with her.

Edited August 25, 2007 by jane2005

[rakkaus 0]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Sorry I did not get your obscure reference to some song.

Your inference that I "used" her the same way that she used me, is a little insulting. It would definetly appear that she did use me for a VISA, or did she "rely" on me for the VISA.

Your post about hearing songs in your head.. have you been taking your meds.?

Your statement about how we are were not on the same page is more accurate.

I APOLOGIZE to the rest of you here, but I could not help but respond to this poster. Bitter, know it all types get under my skin.

I have more respect for people that say, "dude she's gone. get over it and move on."

On another note, the youtube clip was funny.

have a good afternoon..........

I don't think Rebeccajo was bitter or know-it-all about it, just pointing out the way things were starting to look. Just turn the page (sorry, couldn't resist responding to a Seger quote with a Seger quote)

[archie07 0]

Any news on her yet or her whereabouts??

[rebeccajo 14]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Sorry I did not get your obscure reference to some song.

Your inference that I "used" her the same way that she used me, is a little insulting. It would definetly appear that she did use me for a VISA, or did she "rely" on me for the VISA.

Your post about hearing songs in your head.. have you been taking your meds.?

Your statement about how we are were not on the same page is more accurate.

I APOLOGIZE to the rest of you here, but I could not help but respond to this poster. Bitter, know it all types get under my skin.

I have more respect for people that say, "dude she's gone. get over it and move on."

On another note, the youtube clip was funny.

have a good afternoon..........

I don't think Rebeccajo was bitter or know-it-all about it, just pointing out the way things were starting to look. Just turn the page (sorry, couldn't resist responding to a Seger quote with a Seger quote)

Jonkam, I'll put it right out there for you. And this is just my 'unbitter' opinion.

You say you spoke to your girl about once a week prior to her coming here (if I recall and please do correct me if I am wrong). She said all she wanted was to be a housewife. It sounds more to me like you two had a loose arrangement rather than a deep commitment. An arrangement you hoped would work out when she arrived. It didn't and now about two weeks after the fact, not only are you not sending someone out to look for her, but you are talking about meeting other women.

Now - that might not have been your intent. But if she felt at all like this was an 'arrangement' for you - well maybe she just didn't feel so guilty about going ahead with something she felt was more advantageous to her.

I know if it were ME - even if I had used some guy to get what I wanted - and he didn't come looking for me or sending someone out to inquire about my personal safety - well that would just prove to me that the 'other situation' I had run off to was better than the scheme I came in on.

Edited August 26, 2007 by rebeccajo

[jonkam 0]

Why do I keep hearing the words to the song "Against the Wind" in my mind.....

"I used her and she used me and neither one cared".................

"what"

You've made a couple of comments and I didn't really get either.

Maybe I'm just not as smart and witty as you are. Dah, where did he go George, where did he go, Dah.

I would hold off making value judgements, In every relationship, everyone "uses" the other for something, love, emotional/financial support, companionship, etc. I think you are comparing apples and oranges.

No, I think your apples and oranges are just different than mine. It's been my experience than when two people love each other, when they rely on each other for emotional and financial support, and when they are true companions, that is not "using" each other. That's putting their oars in the water and rowing together because they know as a team they are stronger together than separate.

I just don't think you and she were on the same page.

Sorry I did not get your obscure reference to some song.

Your inference that I "used" her the same way that she used me, is a little insulting. It would definetly appear that she did use me for a VISA, or did she "rely" on me for the VISA.

Your post about hearing songs in your head.. have you been taking your meds.?

Your statement about how we are were not on the same page is more accurate.

I APOLOGIZE to the rest of you here, but I could not help but respond to this poster. Bitter, know it all types get under my skin.

I have more respect for people that say, "dude she's gone. get over it and move on."

On another note, the youtube clip was funny.

have a good afternoon..........

I don't think Rebeccajo was bitter or know-it-all about it, just pointing out the way things were starting to look. Just turn the page (sorry, couldn't resist responding to a Seger quote with a Seger quote)

Jonkam, I'll put it right out there for you. And this is just my 'unbitter' opinion.

You say you spoke to your girl about once a week prior to her coming here (if I recall and please do correct me if I am wrong). She said all she wanted was to be a housewife. It sounds more to me like you two had a loose arrangement rather than a deep commitment. An arrangement you hoped would work out when she arrived. It didn't and now about two weeks after the fact, not only are you not sending someone out to look for her, but you are talking about meeting other women.

Now - that might not have been your intent. But if she felt at all like this was an 'arrangement' for you - well maybe she just didn't feel so guilty about going ahead with something she felt was more advantageous to her.

I know if it were ME - even if I had used some guy to get what I wanted - and he didn't come looking for me or sending someone out to inquire about my personal safety - well that would just prove to me that the 'other situation' I had run off to was better than the scheme I came in on.

Yes we usually only spoke once a week. Not because i did not want to talk more. It is for the simple fact that, because of the time difference, when I would get home from work, it would be 12-1 am her time. So I could only call on my day off. When I did call, we would be on the phone for 2-3 hours.

Yes she did say that she wanted to be a housewife. Is there something wrong with a woman choosing to be a housewife and mother? I never told her that is what I wanted her to do. I never made an arrangement saying, " I'll bring you to America if you stay at home, barefoot and naked, with a frying pan in one hand and an infant in the other sucking on your teets. I told her that I would try to be there for her no matter what she decided. I encouraged her to think about returning to college or working or do some volunteering. I thought that getting out, and making some friends would be a good thing to do. So i don't know where you come up with that because SHE told me, she wanted to be a housewife, that it was some sort of LOOSE arrangement. I was very committed to her, but it is obvious, (NOW), she was not.

As far as not looking for her and sending someone out to look for her. The police won't LOOK for her. Contacting them, as people have said, can only serve to cover my butt down the line. And as far as a PI, I can't afford it. Even if a PI could find her, which is like finding a needle in a hay stack, i don't see what he could do. The most he could say is, she is at this location with these people. A PI could not force her to be honest with me or make her return and love me, etc. Knowing just her location would not satify me. i would like to hear the WHY, behind this whole thing. Even if I could manage to find her location and fly there and did talk to her, I have a good feeling she would NOT be toatlly honest with me.

If she read her e-mails or talked to Sarah, she knows i am worried for her. When I spoke to Sarah, I conveyed that I was worried for her. And when I wrote, I restated my concern for her well being. I have held off calling Sarah again these past few days, because as I stated her husband of 40 years or so just died. I don't think continuously bothering her would be proper in this, her darkest hours. Despite her actions, I hope that she is safe and happy. And that whomever she is with, they are treating her well. As I said, I don't have the financial resources to go physically look for her, personally or through a third party. You make it sound so easy to try and find someone that does not want to be found.

As far as me saying I was looking for a date. It was meant in a sort of joking way. i think that it is a healthy sign that I could joke about such a thing. My friends know that I'm a little bit of a jokester and sometimes make light of something serious. For me humor is a way I can deal with things that are stressful. Another post i made was that, "I hope she is healthy because you can't deport a sick person." As i said, I'm not ready to jump into anything at this moment, but it is also a sign of getting over this that I can even think about looking toward the future. Thinking back on our relationship and adding up ALL the little pieces of the puzzle, I can conlude that this WAS planned for a long time. The reasons, another man or whatever, I am not as sure about. I still care about her, and probably always will, but it is easier to move on when you know in your own heart that you did nothing wrong and she was the one that deceived and disrespected you.

The only thing that I wish for now is some honest answers so i can get some type of closure. I have not had a solid nights sleep since this began, i wake up many times during the night with things running through my head. But, I do not think i will ever find the answers I am looking for.

The only thing I did wrong was to be too trusting and nice. People have IMed me to say that this is your M.O. here on VJ and to let it go in one ear and out the other.

Responding to you is helping take my mind off of things and bringing out a whole new set of emotions. Thanks for helping me with the healing process.

Ciao...

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm glad this is helping you in some way because getting to the bottom of things is the only M.O. I have. Some people may have a problem with my 'style' but for me it works better than just coming out rudely and blurting an opinion. I prefer to read for a while before I interject, especially with personal stuff like this.

I'm not judging you. But what I am wondering is how this went so wrong. Perhaps you were too trusting. I have no way of knowing. But when something bad like this happens in my life, I find a bit of introspection into what I did to invite the situation is usually good. It's a tough thing to do, but it's far more healthy than just blaming the other party.

I would venture a guess that most of us speak (or spoke) to our foreign partners more than once a week. Not only because we missed them, but because it gives everybody a chance to get to know each other. Why that occured with you, I don't personally know. Good question for you to ask yourself though.

As far as the 'housewife' thing goes, maybe you meant it one way and she took it another. Or maybe you really are looking for such a partner. There's nothing at all wrong with it if you are. I was a housewife myself for several years and I quite liked it. Again - good question to ask yourself.

Unfortunately, your story isn't the first one of these I have read. And it's not the first one either where the man has had a similar reaction. I guess as women, we would like to think you would now be in a puddle - some sort of mental state of anxiety, crushed and ruined. And desperately seeking her, if for no other reason than to find out she is safe. Everytime my ex-husband ever showed up home late, I was always worried sick that he was lying in a ditch somewhere, all the while telling myself that if I found out he was off with more of his monkey business, he'd pay for it later. But I still wondered where he was.

Jonkam - family immigration is a serious matter. It's more than just international dating. I'm sure you KNOW that, but some people do treat it as if its just some romantic game where they can choose from a wide variety of ideal partners. And that includes the foreign partner as well as the USC. There ARE situations where the USC uses the foreign partner, just as there are situations where the foreign partner uses the USC.

I'm really not trying to make you feel worse or to ####### in your mess kit. There are just parts of this that don't quite add up for me, insofar as your girl completely using you. If she came here to meet up with some other dude, and she was the virgin you say she was, then I doubt she would have slept with you. This girl could have the biggest case of cold feet since "Runaway Bride" and you are easily chalking it up to visa fraud. Why? Because she came on a visa? Because you don't know her very well? These are only questions you can answer, my friend.

Edited August 26, 2007 by rebeccajo