Visa granted, but...

[Teddy406 0]

Teddy I am not going to bed until you decide ! It's popping my skull now.

You are being most contradictory..If it's 'I love her but' then we can forget the 'I love her'.. I have been there, done the guilt thing..

thats called being 'immensely fond'

If there is no 'but' then do it and never look back or you will kick yourself... forget the immigration thing thats a detail....

This isnt romantic stuff I am talking - I am very unromantic - I bought Carolyn a cup for her birthday - but you have to face facts and

if she is the one then there is no decision to make...

My chief accountant had a nervous breakdown when he married a beautiful gentle nurse. They took him from the wedding reception to a nut house (sorry, mental hospital) - literally- gibbering wild eyed talking rot and trying to run away through the park

It was because he was scared he didnt love her enough and GOD would punish him.

That was 25 years ago - he recovered in 3 months coz I cured him with beer every night - - got a top finance director job and he is still with her and they have 2 great kids and everyone is so envious of him - she is wonderful !

anxiety attack on a mega scale !

You are a funny dude, but my head seems all over the place right now, I swing back and forth on this whole subject, fluctuating on my feelings, my decision and such. Im about to leave the office for home, ill be back!

[no name 1]

You are a funny dude, but my head seems all over the place right now, I swing back and forth on this whole subject, fluctuating on my feelings, my decision and such. Im about to leave the office for home, ill be back!

Why are you at work at 10PM?

If we are shopping I tell my hubby if you have to think that hard, you don't want it. A fiancee is not a material good (in this forum, anyhow) but the analogy applies.

Edited September 11, 2007 by devilette

[Lansbury 19]

Teddy I am not going to bed until you decide ! It's popping my skull now.

It's going to be a long night then, I don't think he has the ability to make a decision.

A bit callous I know but it is certainly coming across that way.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

But - the thing I read here is "she is happy to come here but she might want to go back to America." So what if she does? America will always be here to return to, and the UK will always be there if you come to the US and decide to return one day. The decision to go to one country or the other is not irrevocable!

[Captain Oates 911]

I meant, the though of staying is a "relief" , but it doesnt feel 100% right. I think my biggest fears are also the red flags like my fiancée saying she is miserable with her work/friends/family but it will be all ok when I get there. I on the other hand really like my life here except for her not being here. She said she would come over, but may want to return to America. I said I didnt know if that would be a good idea if we were having a good life here, thus the stalemate and the pull of "staying".

Teddy-

You can 'what if' till the cows come home but it won't change anything. Marriage is about compromise. Do you want to be with her? The answer is in there.

you picked up a good quote there Dev- he wouldn't have 'a nice life here' now if he wanted her that much - he would be miserable.

ok I have reached a verdict - 'immensely fond' , not enough... and guiltyfeelings...

Teddy you aren't a baddy - we nearly all have one of these experiences... face up to it bud - the attraction is not enough.... end of case

sell your passport and visa to some bandito who looks like you for cash and claim you lost it and move on......

[ChasUK 0]

If Teddy is in a place even slightly like I was in, the capacity to think straight is elusive. That's why I had to list out priorities. Not until I did that did the solution present itself.

Top priority, be with Tracy. I worked to that and "handled" everything else. It's working out just fine and I'm glad I did it that way. Go easy on him please.

[no name 1]

If Teddy is in a place even slightly like I was in, the capacity to think straight is elusive. That's why I had to list out priorities. Not until I did that did the solution present itself.

Top priority, be with Tracy. I worked to that and "handled" everything else. It's working out just fine and I'm glad I did it that way. Go easy on him please.

I think we are being gentle. We are pointing out the plusses & miunses which (I believe) is what he wanted help with...?

[ChasUK 0]

It's going to be a long night then, I don't think he has the ability to make a decision.

A bit callous I know but it is certainly coming across that way.

Teddy you aren't a baddy - we nearly all have one of these experiences... face up to it bud - the attraction is not enough.... end of case

sell your passport and visa to some bandito who looks like you for cash and claim you lost it and move on......

If Teddy is in a place even slightly like I was in, the capacity to think straight is elusive. That's why I had to list out priorities. Not until I did that did the solution present itself.

Top priority, be with Tracy. I worked to that and "handled" everything else. It's working out just fine and I'm glad I did it that way. Go easy on him please.

I think we are being gentle. We are pointing out the plusses & miunses which (I believe) is what he wanted help with...?

I see that in general it is all helpful advice, but as I said for me, at the time it was a little to raw to swallow and clear thought was hard. I had difficulty getting it straight in my head and this is where Teddy is. Seems to me that some here are too quick to accuse him to lack the capacity to make a decision instantly on the strength of their kind help, support and information.

All I'm saying is, by all means give him your thoughts, help and advice, but don't then sit there tapping your fingers waiting for him to suddenly say, "Oh gosh, you're right, I must end my relationship now" or "Oh gosh, you're right, I need to get on a plane ASAP". Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

[Captain Oates 911]

If Teddy is in a place even slightly like I was in, the capacity to think straight is elusive. That's why I had to list out priorities. Not until I did that did the solution present itself.

Top priority, be with Tracy. I worked to that and "handled" everything else. It's working out just fine and I'm glad I did it that way. Go easy on him please.

Think we/I are easy on him as I dont think he a baddy at all....He isn't stringing her along - he is just all screwed up with the pressure.... I came home 6 weeks before the AOS green card interview but we were 'back on' in a couple of weeks - I was having a horrible time but I had no choice as I wanted to be with her........

Then she came here for a year so we could be together while I did this loathsome visa process..and she has struggled...and I gave up my nice home in Yorkshire so we could rent this rat invested dump to be near the only job she could find ... we have all done this stuff and it needs a lot of commitment or we are sunk.

I think we are unanimous in saying she has to be the priority and if she isn't then it sure wont work.. too many trade offs...so all Teddy has to do now is figure his priorities - as you say........

Teddy its your call- is she worth giving up your nice life for ? easy eh ?

[Captain Oates 911]

to make a decision instantly on the strength of their kind help, support and information.

All I'm saying is, by all means give him your thoughts, help and advice, but don't then sit there tapping your fingers waiting for him to suddenly say, "Oh gosh, you're right, I must end my relationship now" or "Oh gosh, you're right, I need to get on a plane ASAP". Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

Totally agree...he will ignore me anyway - I always listen to lots of advice and then do what I knew I really wanted to anyway..Teddy will -and as you say - in his own good time...

He is too much of a thinker to be swayed by me

Edited September 11, 2007 by saywhat

[TracyTN 237]

Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

I think this is the main point. To expect him to make a decision somewhat instantly (i.e. 'I'm staying up until you come to a decision') after hearing all we have to say is asking a heck of a lot.

All points are surely well taken by the OP. Let's give him some time to think about what he needs to do for his future. Just because he doesn't make a decision as quick as we 'think' he should doesn't mean that he has no capacity to make a decision (or that he doesn't love his fiancee).

Edited September 11, 2007 by TracyTN

[Captain Oates 911]

Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

I think this is the main point. To expect him to make a decision somewhat instantly (i.e. 'I'm staying up until you come to a decision') after hearing all we have to say is asking a heck of a lot.

All points are surely well taken by the OP. Let's give him some time to think about what he needs to do for his future. Just because he doesn't make a decision as quick as we 'think' he should doesn't mean that he has no capacity to make a decision (or that he doesn't love his fiancee).

I am not really going to stay up until he makes a decision...I am going on hunger strike instead so there !

I wish Teddy all the best with it and hope he follows his heart and then he will be fine...

Right bed time alan

[payxibka 10,047]

Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

I think this is the main point. ).

Hmmmm you backing up your hubby's statement.... now that was unexpected...

[ChasUK 0]

Give him the info and let him digest it and apply it to his personal circumstances and come to the conclusion he needs to, in his own time. That's all I mean by go easy on him please.

I think this is the main point. To expect him to make a decision somewhat instantly (i.e. 'I'm staying up until you come to a decision') after hearing all we have to say is asking a heck of a lot.

All points are surely well taken by the OP. Let's give him some time to think about what he needs to do for his future. Just because he doesn't make a decision as quick as we 'think' he should doesn't mean that he has no capacity to make a decision (or that he doesn't love his fiancee).

I am not really going to stay up until he makes a decision...I am going on hunger strike instead so there !

I wish Teddy all the best with it and hope he follows his heart and then he will be fine...

Right bed time alan

...from me and Tracy

[no name 1]

Hmmmm you backing up your hubby's statement.... now that was unexpected...