Visa granted, but...

[Captain Oates 911]

I still think Robinlake's post aove sums it all up very nicely:

Its better to regret things that you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

Its always a gamble, but I suspect this is a case where the odds are in your favor.

I agree with you julezabelle - life's too short - what seems like a few months ago I was 42 and dancing in a night club in England at 4.30am to Duran Duran - with 30 Dutch footballers who were as drunk as me. Now I am 60 in 2 months and would feel a fool anywhere near that scene.. It goes like lighting !

so 'get in kid before it's too late'

sorry mr rod stewart

I have given up lots for people I was 'medium' about so he is definitely due a grand gesture

The only people who are allowed to be so careful are under 18.... the rest of us should seize the moment...

and the number of people you feel that strongly about are not many... I was single for decades and didnt sit at home (wink wink) - so i know ! alan

Edited September 11, 2007 by saywhat

[*julez* 124]

life's too short - what seems like a few months ago I was 42 and dancing in a night club in England at 4.30am to Duran Duran - with 30 Dutch footballers who were as drunk as me.

Alan - you always crack me up! That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read on VJ and can picture the scene clearly!! I wish you and Carolyn were going to end up in the US nearer to Griff and me. I think you guys would be good mates to go out with for a pint!

Sorry Teddy. Back to topic.

[Krikit 1,164]

Hi Teddy. I completely understand where you're coming from as I also had anxiety attacks about leaving my home, my job, my family and friends. In essence, my entire support system. I delayed putting my house on the market. I delayed handing in my resignation at work. I had my then-fiancé contact the powers that be to request an extension of the visa expiration date. (They said no.) The only result of all that waffling was to heap even more stress upon my already stressed-out self. Two days before the visa expired, I came to the US.

At first, the adjustment to my new environment was 50% hard and 50% easy. 25% of the difficulty I can attribute to adjusting to living with another person after being on my own for so many years. The other 25% I can attribute to adjusting to the American way of life. Things like having to establish a new identity from scratch; how they do and say things differently than the British or the Canadians.... having difficulty finding the products I am used to (I moved to Canada from England, but it's quite easy to find British goods in Canada. A bit more of a challenge to find them in the US.)

Anyway, after almost one year, I am now down to a 5% difficulty of adjustment. And in that 5%, I'm only mildly annoyed by the things which once made me highly annoyed.

Though I miss my old home(s), my family and friends (now in two countries instead of one) I am glad that I made this move. Sometimes the loneliness is strong, most times it is not. I visit Canada every few months. I'll go back to England next year. My relatives and friends come to visit and we have fun. Time has passed quickly, and I am happy here.

You need to make a decision, Teddy, to put both yourself and your fiancée out of this misery. Prolonging the agony is a bit like tearing a plaster off an arm one hair at a time. Painful but brief when you do it quickly, but torture when done slowly. One thing to keep in mind while you're mulling over your decision..... if you are truly in love and break this off with your fiancée, are you going to be able to live the rest of your life wishing every day that you could be with her; wondering who she is with and what she is doing; wondering what could have been? At least if you try, and fail, you'll have put forth an effort. But if you try and succeed.... well.... wouldn't that be wonderful?

I wish you all the best, Teddy. Good luck in whichever direction you choose. You're going to need it either way.

Edited September 11, 2007 by Krikit

[Teddy406 0]

life's too short - what seems like a few months ago I was 42 and dancing in a night club in England at 4.30am to Duran Duran - with 30 Dutch footballers who were as drunk as me.

Alan - you always crack me up! That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read on VJ and can picture the scene clearly!! I wish you and Carolyn were going to end up in the US nearer to Griff and me. I think you guys would be good mates to go out with for a pint!

Sorry Teddy. Back to topic.

It's ok, that was a pretty funny interlude :-)

I just dont know how to come to an answer, when your heart and head are spinning!

[Teddy406 0]

Hi Teddy. I completely understand where you're coming from as I also had anxiety attacks about leaving my home, my job, my family and friends. In essence, my entire support system. I delayed putting my house on the market. I delayed handing in my resignation at work. I had my then-fiancé contact the powers that be to request an extension of the visa expiration date. (They said no.) The only result of all that waffling was to heap even more stress upon my already stressed-out self. Two days before the visa expired, I came to the US.

At first, the adjustment to my new environment was 50% hard and 50% easy. 25% of the difficulty I can attribute to adjusting to living with another person after being on my own for so many years. The other 25% I can attribute to adjusting to the American way of life. Things like having to establish a new identity from scratch; how they do and say things differently than the British or the Canadians.... having difficulty finding the products I am used to (I moved to Canada from England, but it's quite easy to find British goods in Canada. A bit more of a challenge to find them in the US.)

Anyway, after almost one year, I am now down to a 5% difficulty of adjustment. And in that 5%, I'm only mildly annoyed by the things which once made me highly annoyed.

Though I miss my old home(s), my family and friends (now in two countries instead of one) I am glad that I made this move. Sometimes the loneliness is strong, most times it is not. I visit Canada every few months. I'll go back to England next year. My relatives and friends come to visit and we have fun. Time has passed quickly, and I am happy here.

You need to make a decision, Teddy, to put both yourself and your fiancée out of this misery. Prolonging the agony is a bit like tearing a plaster off an arm one hair at a time. Not so painless when you do it quickly, but torture when done slowly. One thing to keep in mind while you're mulling over your decision..... if you are truly in love and break this off with your fiancée, are you going to be able to live the rest of your life wishing every day that you could be with her; wondering who she is with and what she is doing; wondering what could have been? At least if you try, and fail, you'll have put forth an effort. But if you try and succeed.... well.... wouldn't that be wonderful?

I wish you all the best, Teddy. Good luck in whichever direction you choose. You're going to need it either way.

I have done the same thing, including living my life as if I was staying and the relationship was inevitably going to end, but it still doesnt feel "right". It feels a "relief" now, but not "right"

[Captain Oates 911]

life's too short - what seems like a few months ago I was 42 and dancing in a night club in England at 4.30am to Duran Duran - with 30 Dutch footballers who were as drunk as me.

Alan - you always crack me up! That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read on VJ and can picture the scene clearly!! I wish you and Carolyn were going to end up in the US nearer to Griff and me. I think you guys would be good mates to go out with for a pint!

Sorry Teddy. Back to topic.

Dont worry it's on topic julez...he can't do it later and those fun times are easier to manufacture when you are younger..

Look what I did and what he can do - moved to Wisconsin and got SS number and driver's license and bank account and credit card and threw peanuts to the chipmunks and pork chops to the skunk and squeaked at the thirteen lined ground squirrels.....

and bought a brand new V6 toyota for beer money and filled it for nothing

Then I drove through the snow in wisconsin playing james brown and feeling like like Lord Muck- I DID IT !

and he can do it - whats the alternative ? to sit in some office in England in December - dark at 3pm and getting promoted to assistant vice dogsbody - looking through the window and watching the rush hour traffic in the rain and wondering what if ?

Going out with that girl who he lined up as a stand by and finding out she clears her throat every 15 seconds with a sound like a ####### pheasant (had one of them )...

NO WAY !

I put this down to lack of gin...

Edited September 11, 2007 by saywhat

[Krikit 1,164]

I have done the same thing, including living my life as if I was staying and the relationship was inevitably going to end, but it still doesnt feel "right". It feels a "relief" now, but not "right"

I think you have your answer.

[Krikit 1,164]

Right.... I'm off to make fish & chips and mushy peas. Can't find anyone who can do it right here. I'm in need of some comfort food now.

[Captain Oates 911]

I have done the same thing, including living my life as if I was staying and the relationship was inevitably going to end, but it still doesnt feel "right". It feels a "relief" now, but not "right"

Sometimes I wish I was a woman then I would know what this means....

deciding to stay knowing its going to end....whats a relief going? staying ? whats not right - america or her ?

Women instantly know what someone is saying even when there are 72 ways of interpreting the phrases - most times they are right - how do women do that ?

I reckon he doesn't really rate this broad - it's a guilt thing and not an anxiety thing...

If you have the top skirt in the world waiting for you - you go - even I know that

[no name 1]

I have done the same thing, including living my life as if I was staying and the relationship was inevitably going to end, but it still doesnt feel "right". It feels a "relief" now, but not "right"

Sometimes I wish I was a woman then I would know what this means....

I'm a woman & I can't tell either!

Edited September 11, 2007 by devilette

[Teddy406 0]

I have done the same thing, including living my life as if I was staying and the relationship was inevitably going to end, but it still doesnt feel "right". It feels a "relief" now, but not "right"

Sometimes I wish I was a woman then I would know what this means....

I'm a woman & I can't tell either!

I meant, the though of staying is a "relief" , but it doesnt feel 100% right. I think my biggest fears are also the red flags like my fiancée saying she is miserable with her work/friends/family but it will be all ok when I get there. I on the other hand really like my life here except for her not being here. She said she would come over, but may want to return to America. I said I didnt know if that would be a good idea if we were having a good life here, thus the stalemate and the pull of "staying".

[ChasUK 0]

I feel for you Teddy. I am TracyTN's other half. I lived in Slough by Heathrow and I am now in Tennessee.

Just as you, I was involved in all the process without too much concern for anything than the "finish line", the trailing "pack" behind me never entered my mind but for brief moments. When it did, I kinda shrugged it off lightly. Once we began to get closer to an actual date for me to emigrate it was obviously the "hot topic" between me and friends, family and, in my case as a cab driver, customers!!

Apart from immediate family, everyone, and I do mean everyone, said something like,

"Ohhh, you must be so excited. I bet you can't wait".

It was then that reality took a big bite and I began to go through the most depressing part of the whole process, because where-as they were right, I WAS excited, I began to notice that "pack" behind me and I couldn't shrug it off so lightly. I began to think of the obvious things like, 'my mother is old and ill, will I see her again?', 'when will I see my best friend of 20+ years again?', right down to the little things that seem trivial; 'I won't be able to nip down to the pub for a pint', 'I won't be able to walk to the newsagent and get a familiar newspaper, in fact, I won't be able to go and get anything from anywhere because I will be starting from scratch and be entirely dependant on Tracy'.

These thoughts, when all thrown into the melting pot actually made my feelings worse. Why? Well, on one hand I was excited to go, to start a new life afresh with "the one". On the other hand, I was leaving ALL that was familiar to me across the board. Now I didn't know how to feel. One minute I'd be sitting there grinning about upcoming events and then I'd suddenly burst into tears because I felt guilty about leaving my mother. So, on top of the excitement and depression that was already in the melting pot, I now added guilt. People just could NOT understand that I had a hard time jumping in the air, clicking my heels with glee because they were too busy focusing on the romance of the situation, as had I, until that reality bite.

So, it became obvious, in order for me to get my feelings on an even keel and carry on without being diagnosed as a depressive, I had to prioritise what was happening. As you have said about your situation, you are SURE she is "the one", so was I. (I still am ). I wanted to be with her. This was number one priority and paramount to life. I would have good contact with my family and friends regularly, courtesy of emails, telephone and the marvel of the 21st Century, Skype. Furthermore, I can always get on a plane and go for family visits and they can do the same and come over to me. Either way, in some cases there is more contact now than there was when I was in the UK. Not only that but it is "quality" contact. When I was in the UK, I took conversations with friends and family for granted. Didn't give them a moments thought other than to the topic we were discussing. Now I cherish those conversations too, including the heated ones.

At the end of the day, you need to get YOUR list of priorities. If like me, your girl is at the top, you have your answer. Whatever you do there is heartbreak involved. There is no easy route through it all without any pain. It's how you deal with that and what you make of it that makes the difference.

I'd say, go for it, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life saying,

"I wonder what it would have been like, could I have made it work?".

Could you live with that? I know I couldn't. Being morbid for a second, if, in years to come, it should fail, you can always go back top the UK, but I'm not planning on that.

You must do what is right for you and base your decisions on that. Hearts will get broken whatever you decide to do. You can't stop that, but know that they heal well.

Good luck mate.

[Captain Oates 911]

Teddy I am not going to bed until you decide ! It's popping my skull now.

You are being most contradictory..If it's 'I love her but' then we can forget the 'I love her'.. I have been there, done the guilt thing..

thats called being 'immensely fond'

If there is no 'but' then do it and never look back or you will kick yourself... forget the immigration thing thats a detail....

This isnt romantic stuff I am talking - I am very unromantic - I bought Carolyn a cup for her birthday - but you have to face facts and

if she is the one then there is no decision to make...

My chief accountant had a nervous breakdown when he married a beautiful gentle nurse. They took him from the wedding reception to a nut house (sorry, mental hospital) - literally- gibbering wild eyed talking rot and trying to run away through the park

It was because he was scared he didnt love her enough and GOD would punish him.

That was 25 years ago - he recovered in 3 months coz I cured him with beer every night - - got a top finance director job and he is still with her and they have 2 great kids and everyone is so envious of him - she is wonderful !

anxiety attack on a mega scale !

[no name 1]

I meant, the though of staying is a "relief" , but it doesnt feel 100% right. I think my biggest fears are also the red flags like my fiancée saying she is miserable with her work/friends/family but it will be all ok when I get there. I on the other hand really like my life here except for her not being here. She said she would come over, but may want to return to America. I said I didnt know if that would be a good idea if we were having a good life here, thus the stalemate and the pull of "staying".

Teddy-

You can 'what if' till the cows come home but it won't change anything. Marriage is about compromise. Do you want to be with her? The answer is in there.

[no name 1]

You are being most contradictory..If it's 'I love her but' then we can forget the 'I love her'.. I have been there, done the guilt thing..

thats called being 'immensely fond'

if she is the one then there is no decision to make...

I can't believe I understand & agree with Allan.