Visa granted, but...

[Teddy406 0]

You can tell me to climb a tree, Teddy, if you prefer not to answer - but I'm curious as to how long you and your fiancee dated (or had the LDR) before you applied for the visa?

3 years, and for those 3 years, I couldnt even think of anything else, I let other aspects of my life slide just to spend a few extra minutes on the phone a night. Never a moments doubt untill i had severe anxiety over all this and since then I have been a muddle.

[Teddy406 0]

You can tell me to climb a tree, Teddy, if you prefer not to answer - but I'm curious as to how long you and your fiancee dated (or had the LDR) before you applied for the visa?

3 years, and for those 3 years, I couldnt even think of anything else, I let other aspects of my life slide just to spend a few extra minutes on the phone a night. Never a moments doubt untill i had severe anxiety over all this and since then I have been a muddle.

And as for the enormity of it, i likened to a sport where you just charge for the line and are solely focussed on the finish line, but right near at the end, you suddenly look over your shoulder and see the pack chasing you and wish you hadnt looked till the very end.

Edited September 11, 2007 by Teddy406

[TracyTN 237]

Well bless your heart. But I do think your situation illustrates something my husband has mentioned many times in the past - that people sometimes have trouble seeing past the 'romance' and excitement of it all and don't spend any time focused on what will one day be the realities of the situation - sometimes until its almost too late.

I'm telling you, he mulled over this stuff a LOT, so I don't think you're the only one - I just think the timing of yours is very unfortunate.

I have been where your fiancee has been too, as julez mentioned earlier. It was one of the roughest times we ever went through as a couple. But I think we are better for it because we both know exactly why we're in it (and that those reasons are the right ones). That said - I do hope you can find a way to reconcile it sooner rather than later.

[Captain Oates 911]

You can tell me to climb a tree, Teddy, if you prefer not to answer - but I'm curious as to how long you and your fiancee dated (or had the LDR) before you applied for the visa?

3 years, and for those 3 years, I couldnt even think of anything else, I let other aspects of my life slide just to spend a few extra minutes on the phone a night. Never a moments doubt untill i had severe anxiety over all this and since then I have been a muddle.

I have heard enough - DO IT ! GUILTY AS CHARGED !

You know there are cultures who believe in arranged marriages because you are forced (in its nicest sense) together and you make it work and most of em are really happy five years later...

I am afraid this is a forced marriage like mine coz you are in love! Hard luck you have to do it like I did it...

It will be fine ! absolute nightmares ahead but it will all work out in the end.

just surrender and it won't hurt at all (freddy mercury)...It's a great experience and not to be missed - many bitter/sweet moments but you feel ALIVE

[*julez* 124]

Teddy, I really feel for you, mate. I wish I had the magic answer and could tell you it will all work out brilliantly, but I can't and no one else can either. You either need to make the leap and hope it all works out, but with the knowledge that you have a great support in the UK if it doesn't. Or, you can stay in the UK and get on with life.

Have you considered maybe talking this over with a therapist? I don't mean like you're crazy, but sometimes when caught in the middle of something like this an impartial person could better help you work through your feelings about it all.

I truly wish you all the best and hope your situation works out in a way that you are content with.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I don't normally do personal stuff, but what the hell - I lived in the UK with my now-husband (then boyfriend) and the only reason we moved back over here was because of my job. He did NOT want to come live here (especially LA) - I think his reasons were similar, stronger support network (probably for both of us) in the UK, better social life, longer annual leave and just generally feeling more at home there (plus a lot of stupid stuff like he would miss the football). We have been together a long time (we have had a relationship of sorts for 16 years) and that was really the breaking point of our relationship, especially since we were both marriage-averse and that's what it meant to stay together. When the movers came to get our stuff he acted very strangely and was probably having a panic attack. Two years later it is the best thing we ever did - getting married, coming to live in LA for a few years. But I would lying if I said it wasn't hard. If you both agree that if it doesn't work out for you (after you give it your best effort) you can both go back to the UK together - what have you got to lose really? You won't know unless you try. And anyways, I always say (with help from Gibby Hayne) - it's better to regret the things you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

[*julez* 124]

Well bless your heart. But I do think your situation illustrates something my husband has mentioned many times in the past - that people sometimes have trouble seeing past the 'romance' and excitement of it all and don't spend any time focused on what will one day be the realities of the situation - sometimes until its almost too late.

I'm telling you, he mulled over this stuff a LOT, so I don't think you're the only one - I just think the timing of yours is very unfortunate.

I have been where your fiancee has been too, as julez mentioned earlier. It was one of the roughest times we ever went through as a couple. But I think we are better for it because we both know exactly why we're in it (and that those reasons are the right ones). That said - I do hope you can find a way to reconcile it sooner rather than later.

Amen to that Tracy. It was agonizing and awful for both of us. But I know that we both made the right decision - me to hang in there while he struggled over it, and he didn't give up completely no mattle how impossible it seemed. Almost killed me though! Seriously, one day I said, forget it, I can't do it anymore. We didn't talk for 2 weeks - that was the longest we'd ever gone without any communication. Then he called me and said, "Right. I've thought about and I CAN do it. Will you still have me?" I have no regrets whatsoever in giving us another chance!

I think for you another issue is that you haven't seen eachother in sooooo long. I am confident if she were standing right in front of you all your doubts would evaporate. Move heaven and earth to find a way to see each other! And as Tracy says - get moving! Make a decision. Besides, Alan is right in what he said above! You can't avoid true love!

[Captain Oates 911]

Teddy, I really feel for you, mate. I wish I had the magic answer and could tell you it will all work out brilliantly, but I can't and no one else can either. You either need to make the leap and hope it all works out, but with the knowledge that you have a great support in the UK if it doesn't. Or, you can stay in the UK and get on with life.

Have you considered maybe talking this over with a therapist? I don't mean like you're crazy, but sometimes when caught in the middle of something like this an impartial person could better help you work through your feelings about it all.

I truly wish you all the best and hope your situation works out in a way that you are content with.

aarggh see a terrapinist !!! If he was into all that trickcyclist stuff he would have no doubts about being an American !

If he saw a UK therapist he would say stay in the UK so he could milk him- if he was a US therapist he would say GO so he could milk him there...

Anyone who doesnt believe this is the way it works is under 60

I have been to hell and back since I emigrated but I am glad I did it !

alan

[*julez* 124]

Oy! Therapy is different too? Can nothing be consistent with the UK and the US??????

[Lansbury 19]

To be fair, I have expressed my concerns and what I feel and been brutally honest. I did say to her, I'd rather let her go because I do love her than ruin her life by making this change under great pressure and without 100% commitment. My fiancée's "support situation" (job/family/friends) outside of our relationship in the USA, maybe isnt as strong as mine here is in the UK (in my opinion). On the other hand, the wedding **has** to be in the USA, due to family demands.

Her reaction was that "you love me, this HAS to work if we work hard and both love each other"

No, you don't sound harsh and I wish i'd had this BEFORE the interview and issuance, but I cant control my feelings. I am constantly toying with the "gamble, you can do it (emmigrate) more than her" thought.

Like Alan I moved to the US when I was 59. I retired from work and left for the US 10 days later and it is hard to settle in. At the moment I am having speech problems, I am starting to forget which pronunciation of a word is the UK way or the US way.

The big scary thing here is there is no safety net. No government handouts if you lose your job or generally make a mess of things. People here make it standing on their own 2 feet and working hard quite often more than one job. If you've got what it takes to succeed here that has far better rewards than the UK and I don't just mean material. But you have to come with the right attitude of giving it 100% to be successful.

To be very harsh, if you can't decide to come or not or come with the attitude if it doesn't work out I'll go home are you going to put enough effect into it to make it a success.

As to missing friends and family. I lived about 4 hours from my son, I lived in London he lives in Wakefield, I see more of him now than I did in the UK a holiday in America that only costs a plane ticket is too good to miss and he comes over quite often. I live an hour from the skiing and about the same from the beach Your friends and family will jump at the chance of going to visit, don't let missing them put you off. If you love this young lady get your butt on the plane otherwise you are likely to miss the opportunity of a lifetime and spend a lifetime regretting it, somethings you don't get a second chance at. This really is a great place to live and make a life in.

Edited September 11, 2007 by Lansbury

[no name 1]

But I would lying if I said it wasn't hard. If you both agree that if it doesn't work out for you (after you give it your best effort) you can both go back to the UK together - what have you got to lose really? You won't know unless you try. And anyways, I always say (with help from Gibby Hayne) - it's better to regret the things you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

It's a very hard adjustment. My hubby has been here 9 months & he is still struggling. But we are struggling together & that is something.

Teddy, the longer you wait to see her, the harder it is. you've been in an LDR relationship for 3 years, but how much time has been spent doing normal life stuff, like laundry, groceries, etc? That's when it's not easy. And why 9 months apart? That's a long time for a country as close as the UK.

Do you love her? Do you want to be with her forever? Have babies/dogs/cats/etc? I have to say, it kinda sounds like you are doubting it. And that's not fair to her - to keep her hanging on.

Just my opinion. I truly hope you work it out.

[Teddy406 0]

But I would lying if I said it wasn't hard. If you both agree that if it doesn't work out for you (after you give it your best effort) you can both go back to the UK together - what have you got to lose really? You won't know unless you try. And anyways, I always say (with help from Gibby Hayne) - it's better to regret the things you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

It's a very hard adjustment. My hubby has been here 9 months & he is still struggling. But we are struggling together & that is something.

Teddy, the longer you wait to see her, the harder it is. you've been in an LDR relationship for 3 years, but how much time has been spent doing normal life stuff, like laundry, groceries, etc? That's when it's not easy. And why 9 months apart? That's a long time for a country as close as the UK.

Do you love her? Do you want to be with her forever? Have babies/dogs/cats/etc? I have to say, it kinda sounds like you are doubting it. And that's not fair to her - to keep her hanging on.

Just my opinion. I truly hope you work it out.

Well, we filed as soon as i returned from the US, then with the visa processing and problems getting an interview and my funk, it's added up to 9 months.

And to be fair, I had suffered anxiety/panic during the medical/interview process and that changed everything, I feel as though my "fear of the worst" is holding me back.

It isn't my fiancée, not at all, it's about protecting our relationship and giving it a chance to blossom together. She is a great girl and had said she would come to the UK, but she may one day want to go back to America, I have this psuedo fear of the worst happening in me going to America and me ruining her life. I hate doing forms and get scared I'll put "the wrong thing" and get into trouble at a later date . It sounds crazy, but it's true.

I dont doubt my fiancée is "the one", I dont want anyone else, but I am scared/anxious about this all going wrong and two lives being ruined, one being 000's of miles from their home.

[no name 1]

But I would lying if I said it wasn't hard. If you both agree that if it doesn't work out for you (after you give it your best effort) you can both go back to the UK together - what have you got to lose really? You won't know unless you try. And anyways, I always say (with help from Gibby Hayne) - it's better to regret the things you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

It's a very hard adjustment. My hubby has been here 9 months & he is still struggling. But we are struggling together & that is something.

Teddy, the longer you wait to see her, the harder it is. you've been in an LDR relationship for 3 years, but how much time has been spent doing normal life stuff, like laundry, groceries, etc? That's when it's not easy. And why 9 months apart? That's a long time for a country as close as the UK.

Do you love her? Do you want to be with her forever? Have babies/dogs/cats/etc? I have to say, it kinda sounds like you are doubting it. And that's not fair to her - to keep her hanging on.

Just my opinion. I truly hope you work it out.

Well, we filed as soon as i returned from the US, then with the visa processing and problems getting an interview and my funk, it's added up to 9 months.

And to be fair, I had suffered anxiety/panic during the medical/interview process and that changed everything, I feel as though my "fear of the worst" is holding me back.

It isn't my fiancée, not at all, it's about protecting our relationship and giving it a chance to blossom together. She is a great girl and had said she would come to the UK, but she may one day want to go back to America, I have this psuedo fear of the worst happening in me going to America and me ruining her life. I hate doing forms and get scared I'll put "the wrong thing" and get into trouble at a later date . It sounds crazy, but it's true.

I dont doubt my fiancée is "the one", I dont want anyone else, but I am scared/anxious about this all going wrong and two lives being ruined, one being 000's of miles from their home.

Teddy, it sounds like you should talk to a therapist. You definitely have a lot of anxiety & fear about this move.

[Captain Oates 911]

Never known of a therapist that wasn't crazier than the patients . I lived 1 mile from the largest mental health institution in Europe and lived among mental health professionals . They were ALL screaming barmy and I mean that. Some were violent and dangerous - I could tell you stories. My last relationship before Carolyn was a German psychiatrist who was internationally respected. Lovely woman but she used to go out at midnight and turn stones over and talk to toads...

As they say 'you would have to be crazy to go to psychiatrist' and counsellors are just 'poor man's psychiatrists'

You are going to do what you want to do deep down inside no matter what anyone says and I know that and thats why I dont mind giving advice - coz you will ignore it if thats the right thing.

I know someone who can out-anxious you any day but she has never regretted 'going for it'.

Wasting someone's else's life ? - well if you don't do it then somebody else might ! Do you trust that somebody else to be as kind as you ?

I wouldn't - there are some nasty men out there... You wont do as much harm as they will.

Now you can be anxious about NOT going for it - think how vunerable she will be if you dont ! Think of what will happen with the next guy !

I can see him now and he is horrible ! That will be your fault ! See what I mean - the future is unknown and its our job to make the future and not be victims of it. Sounds good that - wonder what I mean...

[*julez* 124]

I still think Robinlake's post aove sums it all up very nicely:

Its better to regret things that you did do than regret the things you didn't do.

Its always a gamble, but I suspect this is a case where the odds are in your favor.