MENA Abuse Poll~~Please keep in MENA

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

If there is a high % that have been abused in the past by their American ex-SOs, I think there's got to be a link somewhere.

I know many American women, only a few with emotional abuse issues....a high % here on VJ must reflect something....but what?

Could it be that with petitioning a foreign SO, that the woman is in the 'driver's seat' as far as having some control in the relationship?

I dunno....but it's pretty interesting.

I think you're onto something -- I think this is definitely a factor in many of these relationships.

And the mirror image may be relevant to some of the older American male/younger third-world female relationships.

[un_known 0]

I was both emotionally and physically abused in my first relationship years ago. He was a MENA man who I met in US. I was young and he was a drunk and a drug abuser so I have blamed his rage outburst on his addictions. After we finally separated I have been very careful who I get involved with. But i guess not careful enough.

Now my current MENA husband is with me here for over a year and definitely has problems with his temper. He knew from the beginning how I felt about violence and I never knew his "other" side - the short temper and lack of self-control, when we fight things fly in the house and I hate this. He never got physical but I am not sure if he is able to control himself. he knows that if that ever to happen I will be serious about calling police.

I am trying to get rid of him but want us to separate in good terms - i don't want enemies but I am not sure what will happen next. One thing for sure I would never ever under any circumstances get involved with a MENA man - they are too "passionate" for me when in comes to dealing with life and its obstacles - no one ever said that life is easy but adversity is not an excuse to lose self control and destroy other people's life. For me there is so much hypocrisy in their thinking - double standards, self-righteousness and the whole Muslim propaganda...bunch of #######. I don't mean to insult anyone or their faith but I just can't believe the ####### that I have to listen every day...

[doodlebug 3]

If there is a high % that have been abused in the past by their American ex-SOs, I think there's got to be a link somewhere.

I know many American women, only a few with emotional abuse issues....a high % here on VJ must reflect something....but what?

Could it be that with petitioning a foreign SO, that the woman is in the 'driver's seat' as far as having some control in the relationship?

I dunno....but it's pretty interesting.

I think you're onto something -- I think this is definitely a factor in many of these relationships.

And the mirror image may be relevant to some of the older American male/younger third-world female relationships.

[doodlebug 3]

unknown - I'm so sorry for the pain you have had to endure and I know that your view of men from the middle east seems tainted right now, but please know that all men from the middle east are NOT like that.

Trust me I pitched quite the b!tchfest to my husband the last time I was with him a few weeks ago. Totally my fault...I was hot, bothered, didn't feel good and frustrated. I went off on him for a good hour or so and when I was done his response to me was "is that all you have, my love.........let it all out because I love you". He never once has raised his voice to me or got mad in a physical way.

Your story could be said about a ton of different men from different nationalities. Abuse comes from all over the world.

I hope you can get out soon and safe.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

And the mirror image may be relevant to some of the older American male/younger third-world female relationships.

LOL you've got me pegged

[peezey 0]

I think this is where thinking might get skewed. Women choose abusers again after leaving an abuser in the US all the time. Allousa posted about this. But no one is saying they will never be with an American man, that all American men are like that, that their Christian propaganda is hypocritical to their actual behavior.

It has become too easy to blame MENA men. Women are not to blame for being abused. But it might be time for women to look at their choices, figure out how they got where they are (again and again) rather than blame an entire culture of men.

[peezey 0]

I want to reiterate I am not blaming any woman for her situation. I sympathize and empathize wholeheartedly. I do not, however, support indicting a whole culture of men, when it is crystal clear western men abuse just as much as men elsewhere.

[un_known 0]

unknown - I'm so sorry for the pain you have had to endure and I know that your view of men from the middle east seems tainted right now, but please know that all men from the middle east are NOT like that.

Trust me I pitched quite the b!tchfest to my husband the last time I was with him a few weeks ago. Totally my fault...I was hot, bothered, didn't feel good and frustrated. I went off on him for a good hour or so and when I was done his response to me was "is that all you have, my love.........let it all out because I love you". He never once has raised his voice to me or got mad in a physical way.

Your story could be said about a ton of different men from different nationalities. Abuse comes from all over the world.

I hope you can get out soon and safe.

Thank you for your words of support. You are right and I was so sure that I was making the right decision this time. I didn't want to believe that they are all bad - I hate generalizations but it seems that I am just so bitter and disappointed that I just want to be alone. I don't need a man to make me happy - I was happy alone but I guess I felt that i should give a shot to marriage but once again i got burned so I am looking forward to the happy day that I can say - ALONE AT LAST...

To some it may sound that i am a selfish and bitter woman but I feel that the more I give of myself the more I get lost ...I am tired and I just want peace in my life - that is all that I am asking for,,,

Sorry for the rant...It feels good to be the "un_known"...

[un_known 0]

It has become too easy to blame MENA men. Women are not to blame for being abused. But it might be time for women to look at their choices, figure out how they got where they are (again and again) rather than blame an entire culture of men.

But how come other two long term relationships that I had (both men of Latin decent) never escalated to this type of behaviour? I can't help but wonder that my outlook at life is just doesn't mix with MENA values and I was wrong to even get involved with them in the first place. I can see how I am partially responsible for where I am in life.

[sandinista! 1,816]

It has become too easy to blame MENA men. Women are not to blame for being abused. But it might be time for women to look at their choices, figure out how they got where they are (again and again) rather than blame an entire culture of men.

But how come other two long term relationships that I had (both men of Latin decent) never escalated to this type of behaviour? I can't help but wonder that my outlook at life is just doesn't mix with MENA values and I was wrong to even get involved with them in the first place. I can see how I am partially responsible for where I am in life.

regardless of your individual experiences, cultures are still composed of individuals. i'm unaware of any "MENA" values that include drug and alcohol abuse or volatile tempers and constant fighting. the ethnicity of yr past relationships is utterly incidental. these are problems exclusive to these men and these men alone, not an entire ethnic group or culture or region. it's not yr fault these particular men were rubbish, but imagining some sort of safety net exists if you just cut out an entire group of men based on where they are from isn't going to afford you any real protection.

[allousa 1]

As I have said before, it's VERY important that a person (man or woman) establish their boundaries up front. I'm talking physical, emotional and even sexual. When you first meet someone, for many, the hormones go out of control and it's very easy to get caught up in all of the fireworks. I can't stress the importance of setting the boundaries upfront, even at the very first meeting.

For many people, it is a constant cycle of abuse. It has been my experience that abusers seek out those people they can control and those that have been abused often allow themselves to fall back into abusive patterns. For many, they are so emotionally beaten, they don't know any different. For some, it's financial reasons, fear and alot of self doubt. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to overcome an abusive relationship...especially when there is no support.

I can't say enough about how establishing your boundaries from the get go is the first step to breaking the cycle. IMO, when you stand up for yourself, those that wish to use, control and abuse you will quickly see that you are a game they WON'T win! It doesn't matter how good looking they are or how rich...there is nothing worth abuse.

For those of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, I hope that you can look deep within yourself and find that you are worthy of happiness. It does not matter what your SO has told you, you are a human being and worthy of respect. Your life has value and for that reason, you have to find a way to get out of the home and out of the relationship. Once physical abuse has begun, it can VERY quickly turn into a deadly situation. I have known of some women that thought, oh, I'll leave in just a couple more weeks once I have enough money...only to have their SO end up killing them. Many of the big cities have women's shelters that can help you. If you have a friend that can let you stay with them...then leave. BUT YOU MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell your SO where you are and where you are going. Not only will you put yourself in grave danger, but also those that are helping you.

And one more word of caution, when abusive men find they can no longer "get at" their wife/husband, they can often turn to harming the children if they are in the household. If you cannot find the strength to get out of an abusive relationship, then please do it for the children. Sadly, it has been my experience, that those children that are abused, often grow up to be abusers themselves.

From the bottom of my heart, I truly hope that those of you in these situations find the strength to get out and survive! I actually have a glass teardrop that hangs from my rearview mirror that represents the survivors of abuse and rape. I may not know your name, but I think of you everyday! Peace be with you!

Allousa

[allousa 1]

And one more note...

I have seen abusers come from every walk of life. They are of every color, of every social background and of every financial status. I can say with absolute certain that there is not a specific culture or race that is more prone to abuse. I will say that the majority of abusers are men...but women can also be guilty of committing such acts.

I, myself have been a victim of a violent crime and safety is a huge issue for me. While my hubbie IS really good-looking, what appealed to me the most is that he made me feel safe. There isn't a doubt in my mind that he will protect my life and that of our children with his own. I would look for this quality in a man, whether he be MENA or not.

[peezey 0]

It appears MENA abuse is on par with the national average, but American abuse is 3 times the national average, so there is an inordinate number of previously abused wives in MENA forum or people answered the poll who shouldn't have (I'm guessing this is the case).

[ya falaha! 0]

I've been married to two MENA men...neither of them has been abusive or even have "mean streaks".

It has become too easy to blame MENA men. Women are not to blame for being abused. But it might be time for women to look at their choices, figure out how they got where they are (again and again) rather than blame an entire culture of men.

But how come other two long term relationships that I had (both men of Latin decent) never escalated to this type of behaviour? I can't help but wonder that my outlook at life is just doesn't mix with MENA values and I was wrong to even get involved with them in the first place. I can see how I am partially responsible for where I am in life.

[chaishai 1]

I can definately see that for whatever reason many people who were previously abused in non MENA relationships are now in MENA relationships per the poll.

However an issue with the data in the poll is that everyone who votes is supposed to be in a MENA relationship. Therefore the non-MENA relationship is their previous relationship. Which ended, in some cases for a reason like abuse. The current MENA relationships that people are in are in many cases beginning phases, people havent met yet, people havent brought their SO over yet, etc. Many MENA relationships that have ended because of abuse or anything else arent reflected here because the people may no longer post on the board.

Im not trying to infer anything, just thinking about how much we can trust the data if we are going to compare abuse in nonMENA vs MENA relationships.