Really down today

[munchkins 0]

Ok, I am getting better after that little lot

How did I know that you lot would cheer me up

[Dixie_Peach 1]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl." "That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

(Ready for this?)

(I'm warning ya.....)

(Still not too late to leave... )

YOU'RE SIMPLY GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE!!!

[munchkins 0]

Oh my god

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Healthy Lifestyle

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dollar

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Repair Estimate

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knot String

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy.

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no foostering way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[blackbettie 0]

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Love and Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[Dixie_Peach 1]

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO

THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,

"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT

HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,

" I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE

IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.

MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD.

IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,

I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS,

THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS

IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID,

"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.

IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE

RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD,

I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,

IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.

BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.

HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU

TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING

WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,

BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS"

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female....Any part under a car's hood.

Male....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male....Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female....A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female....A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female....An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male....A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female....The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male....Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male....A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said....That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[almaty 19]

those are sooooooo true

[Fandango 1,440]

Awwww, Val....it's all gonna be just fine! At least you're not this guy

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, please no bags, and

Please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, please no gray

And as for my belly, please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, please keep me young!

And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house

and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and

doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy ####### said to the other saggy #######:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think

we're nuts."