Recognizng the signs

[isleta521 5]

I'll remove it the consensus agrees it's in sufficient poor taste to warrant removal.

It's obviously a parody on domestic violence posters. I'm sorry two of you (at least) didn't get the humor.

Sorry, didnt get the humor either.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Women do not stay in an abusive relationship becasue they are afraid to be alone. That is far from the truth.

Most abusive women stay out of FEAR

Most abusive men are NUTS in the head and a woman has to be careful when she is in that situation. I lived that abusive life with my ex husband. I know the fear that comes with that. It is very scaring especially if you have children. They think they are the c&ck of the walk on this earth and they are nothing but abusive b@stards in my books. Gutless pieces of scum when they have to treat a women like that. Especially when they say they love you. Bull #######. They are COWARDS.

Can you tell I hate abusive men.

First there is the romance then the abuse starts, then their sorry for doing it. Then they go into whats called the "Honeymoon Stage" where they suck up to you for awhile. Then when they think your over it. They strike again. The pattern just keeps repeating itself until the women gets the courage and self confidence to leave. Its hard and a BIG step. Everyone does it in their own time. Some women never leave

I pray that all the women on here that are getting abused to find the strenght to even pick up the phone and call a womens shelter. They are there to help you and keep you safe. They are wonderful even just to talk to and release your fears. I know it helped me alot. Abuse is no life for anyone.

Fear of reprisal, indeed. Imagine, each of you, if you can, someone that being subjected to abuse that is devastating and cruel, who knows that he or she needs to escape but is fearful that an attempt or even the first hint that he or she is not willing to endure the suffering they are placed in, would evoke more rage and anger that that already witnessed. It's a dilemma and can be a continuum. Only those that have developed lifelines can be assured that an attempt to leave will not mean more abuse.

For those in such heinous living conditions, my only advice to you is not to give up and to spend your time planning a means to escape. There are many people out there that will help...if only they know you need it.

[Ta Ta 1]

It is so important to draw your boundary line in the sand of what is and is not acceptable behaviour the very FIRST time it happens.

If someone is belittling or verbally abusive it should be made extremely clear that this will not be tolerated.........ever.

If it is said early enough then the offending person can either change or hit the road.

So many woman say ' I should have done something the 1. time it happened'.

For so many woman the longer they stay the harder it gets to get out.

Abuse starts with verbal or emotional tactics first. Act then, before a pattern can develop.

Why do so many put up with so called minor offenses that escalate.

Stop it then and there.

Set boundaries early in the relationship.

If he says the top you have on makes you look like a #######, no you can't go talk to your family today...blah blah your response

should be well this is not the relationship I was looking for and so long see ya !

Why give chance after chance after chance and make excuses EARLY in the relationship ?

[diadromous mermaid 36]

It is so important to draw your boundary line in the sand of what is and is not acceptable behaviour the very FIRST time it happens.

If someone is belittling or verbally abusive it should be made extremely clear that this will not be tolerated.........ever.

If it is said early enough then the offending person can either change or hit the road.

So many woman say ' I should have done something the 1. time it happened'.

For so many woman the longer they stay the harder it gets to get out.

Abuse starts with verbal or emotional tactics first. Act then, before a pattern can develop.

Why do so many put up with so called minor offenses that escalate.

Stop it then and there.

Set boundaries early in the relationship.

If he says the top you have on makes you look like a #######, no you can't go talk to your family today...blah blah your response

should be well this is not the relationship I was looking for and so long see ya !

Why give chance after chance after chance and make excuses EARLY in the relationship ?

Wise words, but if only it were that simple. When individuals are abusive towards others, it is a symptom of deeper emotional issues. Some are easy to diagnose, and as a result are easy to see before they get out of control...others can be simmering under the surface, imperceptible until it is too late.

A narcissist, for example, might and does place his or her "victim" on a pedestal. He or she must be surrounded by the best, the most loving, the most charismatic, successful, good-looking...and will go to great lengths to show respect, affection and the like. Consequently, very often signs of typical abusive tendencies may not surface, until one day, ONE DAY when the narcissist, in an effort to bolster a weak image of his or herself (though many more, I believe are male) realises that the "trophy" that was once so necessary to shed credibility on the image of the "host", suddenly outshines their host! Then change in dynamic is rapid. He or she must destroy the very individual that was so essential. And destroy and discredit it must be, otherwise the narcissist's reputation and image will crumble. So, sometimes it ~ the abuse~ comes out of left field.........

Not easy to see this sinister emotional disease simmering under the surface until it is too late.

[Mrs.J06 4]

I don't think anyone would WILLINGLY importing abusive spouses. Many abusive people can have very charming, attentive and seemingly "loving" personalities and hide their nasty sides for quite some time. Sure, there might be some "signs" of potentially abusive behavior, but women often put on their blinders when they are in love. And maybe people think that an undesirable behavior is just a difference in culture, so they rationalize it instead of running away.

On a side note, I'm not so sure that the 20-year-old Russian models/mail order brides are any easier to deal with than men from the Middle East/ North Africa!

Why would an undesirable behavior be more acceptable if it's culture related? If I don't like the way somebody acts, I don't care where he/she comes from and if this is the norm hin his/her culture.

I don't like it in my culture and my life - so I stay away from this person. I realize it's not that easy for people in abusive relationships, and it's not my intention to belittle their troubles and emotions.

I'm just saying that bad behavior may be considered differently in different cultures, but that should not be the reason anybody has to tolerate it.

[mybackpages 0]

I don't think anyone would WILLINGLY importing abusive spouses. Many abusive people can have very charming, attentive and seemingly "loving" personalities and hide their nasty sides for quite some time. Sure, there might be some "signs" of potentially abusive behavior, but women often put on their blinders when they are in love. And maybe people think that an undesirable behavior is just a difference in culture, so they rationalize it instead of running away.

On a side note, I'm not so sure that the 20-year-old Russian models/mail order brides are any easier to deal with than men from the Middle East/ North Africa!

Why would an undesirable behavior be more acceptable if it's culture related? If I don't like the way somebody acts, I don't care where he/she comes from and if this is the norm hin his/her culture.

I don't like it in my culture and my life - so I stay away from this person. I realize it's not that easy for people in abusive relationships, and it's not my intention to belittle their troubles and emotions.

I'm just saying that bad behavior may be considered differently in different cultures, but that should not be the reason anybody has to tolerate it.

I think what carolyn is trying to say is that a behvior that we would notmally see as unacceptable is rationalized to be something else because we misread the cultural cues....Dating someone from the same culture you have clues in body language, spoken communication etc..that explains what you are seeing. Dating someone from a culture that is vastly different you can misread these cues and explain away what you probably in your heart know by saying its culture.

[desert_fox 32]

Any woman who tolerates abuse and does nothing about it is as sick as the abuser.

First time it happens, you are a victim. If you do nothing to report it and make sure that it doesnt happen again, you are now a volunteer........enjoy.....its what you want.

Any jurisdiction that Im aware of.....domestic abuse is a crime against the people of the state. The police nor the DA needs the consent of the victim to prosecute. It is a crime. Any marks on the body, the police have no choice....off to jail.

[Ta Ta 1]

It is sad to see that woman allow perceived cultural behaviour to invade their boundaries and trample their values.

[joelunchbox 0]

Any woman who tolerates abuse and does nothing about it is as sick as the abuser.

First time it happens, you are a victim. If you do nothing to report it and make sure that it doesnt happen again, you are now a volunteer........enjoy.....its what you want.

Any jurisdiction that Im aware of.....domestic abuse is a crime against the people of the state. The police nor the DA needs the consent of the victim to prosecute. It is a crime. Any marks on the body, the police have no choice....off to jail.

If you met someone and they immediately hit you and then you chose to stay with them-I would agree with your post. However, normally, the abusive part of the relationship isn't revealed until after someone has been pulled into the relationship. Normally they are made to feel dependent on the abuser. So when the abuse happens, they may feel that they have no where to go. Or they may simply have no where to go. If you haven't seen "Waitress", I highly recommend it. Especially because the husband is a multidimensional character and is played very well.

[Jenn! 918]

First time it happens, you are a victim. If you do nothing to report it and make sure that it doesnt happen again, you are now a volunteer........enjoy.....its what you want.

Wow.

[Caladan 19]

Any woman who tolerates abuse and does nothing about it is as sick as the abuser.

First time it happens, you are a victim. If you do nothing to report it and make sure that it doesnt happen again, you are now a volunteer........enjoy.....its what you want.

Any jurisdiction that Im aware of.....domestic abuse is a crime against the people of the state. The police nor the DA needs the consent of the victim to prosecute. It is a crime. Any marks on the body, the police have no choice....off to jail.

Not necessarily. It really depends on the state. That's why it's possible for women to drop charges.

The rest of your comment is morally disgusting and factually wrong. Read up on some of the literature on abuse before that moral high horse bucks you off.

[Nessa 23]

wow indeed

[Emancipation 2]

Any woman who tolerates abuse and does nothing about it is as sick as the abuser.

First time it happens, you are a victim. If you do nothing to report it and make sure that it doesnt happen again, you are now a volunteer........enjoy.....its what you want.

wow... I'm glad you weren't around to "help" me when I was being hit by my ex-husband.

Abuse escalates over time.... An Abuser knows what they are doing and makes their strike when the victim is down.. First they strip you of personality and support and then they strike out at you. Physical Violence is often last in the escalation from my personal experience.

Edited August 17, 2007 by Emancipation

[caybee 21]

Abuse escalates over time.... An Abuser knows what they are doing and makes their strike when the victim is down.. First they strip you of personality and support and then they strike out at you. Physical Violence is often last in the escalation from my personal experience.

You summed that up very well.

[Emancipation 2]

Abuse escalates over time.... An Abuser knows what they are doing and makes their strike when the victim is down.. First they strip you of personality and support and then they strike out at you. Physical Violence is often last in the escalation from my personal experience.

You summed that up very well.

Thanks!

Unfortunately I learned from first hand experience from my ex...

But thankfully there are wonderful men out there who value & respect women. I have found a treasure in my husband. I can trust him with my heart. I would never have found him (or been attracted to him) without HOURS and HOURS of counseling and time on my own learning who I really am and what I will tolerate and accept. The work it takes to survive abuse is massive, and often takes a long long time. I am whole again, and I can accept the love of my husband, and love him freely.

Edited August 17, 2007 by Emancipation