Recognizng the signs

[Fandango 1,439]

I think one of the biggest things people need to start realizing is that extreme jealousy does NOT show a 'deep level of desire/love/protectiveness/etc'....it's crazy, distrusting, and downright dangerous. While it might give a boost to the ego like 'awww he loves me sooo much'....the real message being sent is RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Oh, and ty to the two women who shared their stories....you already know what you both need to do. I just went to a domestic abuse fundraiser last week....the statistics are horrifying.....and it's not going to get better. We all know that. Please think of your own safety and GTFO....NOW.

Edited August 15, 2007 by LisaD

[peezey 0]

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

And people consider the dates/milk thing getting married, btw. Take a poll in MENA to find out.

[almaty 19]

think one of the biggest things people need to start realizing is that extreme jealousy does NOT show a 'deep level of desire/love/protectiveness/etc'....it's crazy, distrusting, and downright dangerous. While it might give a boost to the ego like 'awww he loves me sooo much'....the real message being sent is RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

sister lisa, you are right on the target as usual

[Marilyn. 340]

And even better would be if someone perhaps via an anonymous name if they don't want to be known came in and told us their story and how it escalated and how they are now.

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

they aren't new members....

[sara535 15]

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

And people consider the dates/milk thing getting married, btw. Take a poll in MENA to find out.

Sorry, I didnt and still dont see anything in her post about the dates and milk. I do know that tradition but I dont see it mentioned by her.

I also see where she said she was there and they had a flat for a month, 3 weeks of which they were married. so they got married a week after she got there. Thats the timeline I was questioning and the timeline which made me feel a little doubtful about this version of events.

Again, to those of you posting and suffering in situations of domestic abuse, I hope and pray for each of you to find the strength and support to get out sooner rather than later.

[KarenCee 3]

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

Abuse, by design and at the hand of the abuser, erodes the self-esteem of the victim to the extent that they are not only told that they are, but they begin to believe that they are responsible for the terrible outbursts and what is happening. That lack of self-esteem pulls them in to the dynamic more and ultimately can turn to co-dependency.

Please, secret identity, and rightbeforeyou, do not suffer in silence, but report this behaviour of your partners to a social worker, a pastor, a police officer, anyone!

I agree with you to a large degree DM, but I still believe that deep down they have to want the strength to get out...and by virtue of posting their experiences here is a way of garnering support and advice that could very well give them the courage and strength needed to GET THE HELL OUT!

BTW, I'm not just yakking off at the mouth...I *WAS* the victim of spousal abuse. Was being the operative word.

[Heracles 417]

It always kills me to see someone shocked that people in another country have different traditions, attitudes, cultures, norms etc. Especially towards women.

[Heracles 417]

Again, to those of you posting and suffering in situations of domestic abuse, I hope and pray for each of you to find the strength and support to get out sooner rather than later.

Definitely.

[peezey 0]

It always kills me to see someone shocked that people in another country have different traditions, attitudes, cultures, norms etc. Especially towards women.

Check the poll in the MENA forum, seems you're not up with the facts.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

It always kills me to see someone shocked that people in another country have different traditions, attitudes, cultures, norms etc. Especially towards women.

Maybe not so "different" as some would like to think. Domestic violence is a serious problem in the U.S., too (as well as in Australia) -- about 1 out of 4 women are abused by their partner at some point in their lifetime.

[Caladan 19]

Yeah, I think it's operating with pretty severe blinders on to think that the only women who are abused are involved with MENA men, or that all MENA men are abusive. Domestic violence is a big problem in the U.S. and we don't have that many immigrants.

[mawilson 2,133]

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

What is it about women that makes them so afraid of being alone that they would

rather be in an abusive relationship?

[Jenn! 918]

Right, and this probably isn't the best thread to be bringing in one's personal agendas or "beefs" with certain groups anyway...

[Fandango 1,439]

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

What is it about women that makes them so afraid of being alone that they would

rather be in an abusive relationship?

Edit that to 'some' women

[chri'stina 190]

I agree that of course there isn't only one country that has problems with abuse and the US is definitely not immune to it, but this thread in the title says "culture or batterer".

While I don't totally agree with Boo-Yahs comment, partly he has a point. If some people in other threads were saying "in such and such country, it's more common for abuse to happen in this place or that place..." that means it might be more hush hush there and maybe the woman has less power to do anything about it. I could say the same about India where my SO is from, in the rural areas I am sure the women probably can't do much about it.

While it happens in the US, it is not the norm and is not acceptable in this society as far as the law goes, and most people here do not accept it as okay. So if someone is coming from a country where there is more abuse going on and less punishment of abusers, then it should not be surprising, as Boo-Yah said, that things are viewed differently there. I better know my SO's opinion of abuse if he's coming from a country where it's not punished nearly as often.

Edited August 15, 2007 by stina&suj