Recognizng the signs

[peezey 0]

Please explain why you put yourself in the situation to be "trapped" when you had all the help in the world at your fingertips to get rid of this sick #######?

For the same reasons any battered woman does. That's why some states take over the prosecutorial duty from the woman completely; if she says she wants to drop charges, in some states the DA can file them anyway. It's not uncommon for a woman to think 'oh, he just snapped/had a bad day/didn't mean it and I goaded him' and if you add to that someone's immigration status being on the line, there's a whole lot of pressure not to make any decisions to 'ruin someone's life.' (I agree the guy needs his life ruined, but it's easy for me to say that. I'm not the one being abused.)

I think the lawyer who took her money to make this deal with the DA is unethical.

[rightbeforeyou 0]

I met my husband on a vacation to his MENA country. We met on the beach and instantly took a liking to each other and were basically inseparable the remainder of my three week trip there. He was so thoughtful and nice I thought. He was very handsome and had the most beautiful smile and his green eyes twinkled when he would laugh. It was a short three week courtship and I was absolutely smitten. He would come to my hotel and bring me flowers and fruit and called nonstop once I was back in my room. I thought to myself finally I have met a man who loves me for me. Or so I thought.

As my trip started to wind down, he started to accuse me (playfully) o of going back to America and forgetting him and I promised him I could never do that. The last day before I was to leave we went to the beach and I dressed in my normal bikini and top covering it and met him a little down the road. He was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. I said no dear something is wrong because you are sullen and you look angry. He said alright I will tell you what is wrong. You are dressed like a #######. I was so shocked by his words that I said I am sorry I misunderstood you, what did you say? and he said, you look like a #######. Were you planning to pick up men on our way to the beach? I was so hurt but still shocked by his words that I just stared back at him and said how can you say that? He looked back at me and laughed and said you know what I am just kidding around with you like you could pick up any man with those small breasts. By that time, I said I will find my way to the beach, goodbye.

I walked off down to the beach and left him in the distance. Shaken,but determined to not spoil my last day there, I found my friend who was already at the beach and tried to enjoy my last day there. We stayed on the beach for a few hours and then met up with some friends we met there including locals, some Europeans and an American couple. Later that night we went out for dinner and a little dancing. I returned back to my room in the wee hours of the morning and the phone starting ringing uncontrollably. It was him. He was sorry. He explained that he was wild about me and did not want any other man looking at me. I told him it was no excuse! and that I did not have small breasts either! We talked for hours and I decided to forgive him. He explained it all away as culture. Naively, I believed most of it. Then, I started to get very sleepy and he started asking me about what I did that day. I said something like not much just hung out with my friend and we grabbed dinner. He then said don't lie to me you dirty ###### or something to that effect. He said I saw you and I watched you. You were with other men and they touched you and you danced with them. I saw how you looked at them. How much did they pay you for sex? At that point, I said I am going to bed and I never want to see or hear from you again.

I left his country.

I arrived back in the U.S. and after unpacking, I began listening to my voice messages. He had called over twenty times. He professed undying love, ignorance of Western women, and shyness. I did not want to hear any of it and continued going about my day. The next few days he continued to call incessantly and sent tens of emails. Finally after a week of this, I answered the phone and asked him what he thought he was doing? Of course he said he was sorry and he would never hurt me again. His voice sounded so sincere and cracked and I just wore down and starting taking his calls and chatting on line with him. He was a model boyfriend. For six months he was so good to me and I was happy again. We started making plans for me to visit a second time and get married. There he was waiting for me at the airport with flowers and that intoxicating smile. He looked so handsome and he knew it.

We arrived at the apartment we were to stay for almost a month. He had prepared dinner and I told him I had eaten on the plane and was so tired from the flight that I just wanted to go to bed to sleep for a few hours. All of a sudden, he knocked the plate on the floor and yelled, no matter how much I try to make you happy it is never enough. I stared at the food on the floor and I tried to choose my words as carefully as possible. I said everything you do for me I appreciate but I am just tired. I know you worked hard on the dinner and I will eat now and will rest afterwords. He dropped down next to me and said how much he loved me and he just wanted everything to be perfect for me. He went back over to the stove and started acting like nothing had happened. he fixed me another plate and asked if I wanted more bread and things like that. I ate two plates full. I thought that should be enough to allow me to finally sleep.

Midweek had arrived and there had been no more incidents. We decided to go out for dinner that night and dinner was great. We walked back to the apartment and life seemed good. I remember hearing the bolt of the door locking and before I knew it, he had thrown me into the wall and accused me of flirting with the waiter. A picture frame fell off the wall, cracked and glass fell on my head. That got his attention and he stopped and said, my love what have I done? I am so sorry. I was shocked(again) and crying. He dried my tears with his shirt. He continued to apologize and asked me to take a piece of the glass and cut him. I said no and he said he deserved it. I said no again and as I looked up he had grabbed a piece of glass and cut his arm. I rushed over to him and started screaming what are you doing????? and he cried. He said he did not deserve to live for what he did to me. So the rest of the night I could not even process what he did to me because I comforted him all night. However that night I promised myself this relationship was over. The next day, I awoke to find him gone. I called his cell and he showered me with love words and said he wanted me to meet his family that day. I told him why? You never mentioned it before and he said he had been thinking about it,but decided this was a good time. I told him I was not sure if I wanted to meet them and he said it was done and they were coming later that evening.

Meet the parents.

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts. We were both happy and I thought,finally he sees that I am loyal to him and that I love him. I came back to the U.S. and filed all the papers for him to come. We talked many times a day and used instant messenger and web cams to bridge the distance. We wound our way through the visa journey just like many here and eventually he was approved and he arrived here. As soon as he arrived he was so helpful. He cooked, cleaned and found a job very quickly. We were so happy. Months passed and he adjusted well and we successfully completed AOS and it was if a big weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We made plans for a weekend trip to celebrate. We walked the city and had a very good time the first night there. The second night we did the same thing and had dinner in the hotel's restaurant. He went from being very talkative to a plain stare. I wondered what was wrong. I thought had I said something and did not realize it? I could not think of anything. When the waiter passed back by our table and asked for the check and I said but I wanted dessert. He looked at me and said have you seen your hips these days? I said why yes I have and I am in a smaller size than when I met you. I then told the waiter when he came back to bring me the mousse. My husband said he was leaving and I sat and had my dessert alone. After about an hour, I headed back up to the room. I put my key in the door,but the deadbolt was on. I knocked on the door, then hammered on the door and then furious I went to the hotel lobby to call up to the room and tell him to open the door even though there was no way he did not hear me. He did not answer the phone. I then had the desk attendant call the room and he still did not answer. The clerk then said if there was a problem, another room was available for the night. I declined and said I would just go to the bar and thought maybe after some time, he would calm down and open the door.

So a few hours later and a few drinks later, I headed back up to the room with the same result. He still refused to answer the door. I was very sleepy by then and since I had my car keys in my purse, I slept in the car for the night. The next morning he had all these hotel workers searching for me like he had never not locked me out of my own room. I told him I wanted to go home and I had serious doubts about our marriage and if it should continue. He started to cry and said the waiter was looking down my top at dinner and he got jealous. I told him those excuses were nonsense and he either trusted me or he did not. He cried and cried for hours and begged me not to leave the marriage. I was so tired and just wanted to go home and I agreed to work on it. That was a few months ago. We are still together but I do not know for how long. Each word and move I make is analyzed to determine if it might set him off. Life like this is hell and I would not wish this existence on anyone. I keep waiting for the next outburst and hoping it never occurs.

[bhajishah 4]

Abuse and belittling etc is not LOVE. its an ownership and selfish thinking. The male dominated cultures the controlling issue is cultural and the norm in many esp Asian and LAtin cultures. So you better know what the reality is of marriage and be able to deal with it before you make that leap. That is real culture shock if one is not prepared. Thesre boys are not raised in the west you would be foolish to think he would change his whole persona @ home just becaause of a good time you had on your initial etc visit.. I have to do the there theres and tell/ask for where im going and so on. soo what I chose the sucurity, love , family, devotion, and this outs shines any of the what is presumed in our society as "controlling". Bottom line, if you cant go to your SO about your concerns, and he cant realize the distress enough to work on a solution. then get some help from outside. if that doesnt work then leave it life is too short to deal with Craziness.

best wishes to all you VJ sister all u do

cindi

[caybee 21]

Secret_Identity_2 and others going through this, this is heart wrenching to read. Love does not bruise and strangle and cut, ever. I'm praying for your safety and that the path you need to take will be as smooth as possible. You are stronger than you think you are, and you are never alone, even when it feels like it. Please reach out when you need to.

[doodlebug 3]

I hope and pray that people reading this who have seen the signposts of abuse whose spouse/fiance is not here yet really thinks long and hard before going any further.

To those of you who are in the middle of this I pray that you gain the strength needed to get out and to get the help you need to learn that you are a child of God worth so so so very much,............definitely worth more than what you are receiving from someone who is abusive and taking your spirit away layer by layer.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I met my husband on a vacation to his MENA country. We met on the beach and instantly took a liking to each other and were basically inseparable the remainder of my three week trip there. He was so thoughtful and nice I thought. He was very handsome and had the most beautiful smile and his green eyes twinkled when he would laugh. It was a short three week courtship and I was absolutely smitten. He would come to my hotel and bring me flowers and fruit and called nonstop once I was back in my room. I thought to myself finally I have met a man who loves me for me. Or so I thought.

As my trip started to wind down, he started to accuse me (playfully) o of going back to America and forgetting him and I promised him I could never do that. The last day before I was to leave we went to the beach and I dressed in my normal bikini and top covering it and met him a little down the road. He was in a bad mood. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. I said no dear something is wrong because you are sullen and you look angry. He said alright I will tell you what is wrong. You are dressed like a #######. I was so shocked by his words that I said I am sorry I misunderstood you, what did you say? and he said, you look like a #######. Were you planning to pick up men on our way to the beach? I was so hurt but still shocked by his words that I just stared back at him and said how can you say that? He looked back at me and laughed and said you know what I am just kidding around with you like you could pick up any man with those small breasts. By that time, I said I will find my way to the beach, goodbye.

I walked off down to the beach and left him in the distance. Shaken,but determined to not spoil my last day there, I found my friend who was already at the beach and tried to enjoy my last day there. We stayed on the beach for a few hours and then met up with some friends we met there including locals, some Europeans and an American couple. Later that night we went out for dinner and a little dancing. I returned back to my room in the wee hours of the morning and the phone starting ringing uncontrollably. It was him. He was sorry. He explained that he was wild about me and did not want any other man looking at me. I told him it was no excuse! and that I did not have small breasts either! We talked for hours and I decided to forgive him. He explained it all away as culture. Naively, I believed most of it. Then, I started to get very sleepy and he started asking me about what I did that day. I said something like not much just hung out with my friend and we grabbed dinner. He then said don't lie to me you dirty ###### or something to that effect. He said I saw you and I watched you. You were with other men and they touched you and you danced with them. I saw how you looked at them. How much did they pay you for sex? At that point, I said I am going to bed and I never want to see or hear from you again.

I left his country.

I arrived back in the U.S. and after unpacking, I began listening to my voice messages. He had called over twenty times. He professed undying love, ignorance of Western women, and shyness. I did not want to hear any of it and continued going about my day. The next few days he continued to call incessantly and sent tens of emails. Finally after a week of this, I answered the phone and asked him what he thought he was doing? Of course he said he was sorry and he would never hurt me again. His voice sounded so sincere and cracked and I just wore down and starting taking his calls and chatting on line with him. He was a model boyfriend. For six months he was so good to me and I was happy again. We started making plans for me to visit a second time and get married. There he was waiting for me at the airport with flowers and that intoxicating smile. He looked so handsome and he knew it.

We arrived at the apartment we were to stay for almost a month. He had prepared dinner and I told him I had eaten on the plane and was so tired from the flight that I just wanted to go to bed to sleep for a few hours. All of a sudden, he knocked the plate on the floor and yelled, no matter how much I try to make you happy it is never enough. I stared at the food on the floor and I tried to choose my words as carefully as possible. I said everything you do for me I appreciate but I am just tired. I know you worked hard on the dinner and I will eat now and will rest afterwords. He dropped down next to me and said how much he loved me and he just wanted everything to be perfect for me. He went back over to the stove and started acting like nothing had happened. he fixed me another plate and asked if I wanted more bread and things like that. I ate two plates full. I thought that should be enough to allow me to finally sleep.

Midweek had arrived and there had been no more incidents. We decided to go out for dinner that night and dinner was great. We walked back to the apartment and life seemed good. I remember hearing the bolt of the door locking and before I knew it, he had thrown me into the wall and accused me of flirting with the waiter. A picture frame fell off the wall, cracked and glass fell on my head. That got his attention and he stopped and said, my love what have I done? I am so sorry. I was shocked(again) and crying. He dried my tears with his shirt. He continued to apologize and asked me to take a piece of the glass and cut him. I said no and he said he deserved it. I said no again and as I looked up he had grabbed a piece of glass and cut his arm. I rushed over to him and started screaming what are you doing????? and he cried. He said he did not deserve to live for what he did to me. So the rest of the night I could not even process what he did to me because I comforted him all night. However that night I promised myself this relationship was over. The next day, I awoke to find him gone. I called his cell and he showered me with love words and said he wanted me to meet his family that day. I told him why? You never mentioned it before and he said he had been thinking about it,but decided this was a good time. I told him I was not sure if I wanted to meet them and he said it was done and they were coming later that evening.

Meet the parents.

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts. We were both happy and I thought,finally he sees that I am loyal to him and that I love him. I came back to the U.S. and filed all the papers for him to come. We talked many times a day and used instant messenger and web cams to bridge the distance. We wound our way through the visa journey just like many here and eventually he was approved and he arrived here. As soon as he arrived he was so helpful. He cooked, cleaned and found a job very quickly. We were so happy. Months passed and he adjusted well and we successfully completed AOS and it was if a big weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We made plans for a weekend trip to celebrate. We walked the city and had a very good time the first night there. The second night we did the same thing and had dinner in the hotel's restaurant. He went from being very talkative to a plain stare. I wondered what was wrong. I thought had I said something and did not realize it? I could not think of anything. When the waiter passed back by our table and asked for the check and I said but I wanted dessert. He looked at me and said have you seen your hips these days? I said why yes I have and I am in a smaller size than when I met you. I then told the waiter when he came back to bring me the mousse. My husband said he was leaving and I sat and had my dessert alone. After about an hour, I headed back up to the room. I put my key in the door,but the deadbolt was on. I knocked on the door, then hammered on the door and then furious I went to the hotel lobby to call up to the room and tell him to open the door even though there was no way he did not hear me. He did not answer the phone. I then had the desk attendant call the room and he still did not answer. The clerk then said if there was a problem, another room was available for the night. I declined and said I would just go to the bar and thought maybe after some time, he would calm down and open the door.

So a few hours later and a few drinks later, I headed back up to the room with the same result. He still refused to answer the door. I was very sleepy by then and since I had my car keys in my purse, I slept in the car for the night. The next morning he had all these hotel workers searching for me like he had never not locked me out of my own room. I told him I wanted to go home and I had serious doubts about our marriage and if it should continue. He started to cry and said the waiter was looking down my top at dinner and he got jealous. I told him those excuses were nonsense and he either trusted me or he did not. He cried and cried for hours and begged me not to leave the marriage. I was so tired and just wanted to go home and I agreed to work on it. That was a few months ago. We are still together but I do not know for how long. Each word and move I make is analyzed to determine if it might set him off. Life like this is hell and I would not wish this existence on anyone. I keep waiting for the next outburst and hoping it never occurs.

Oh my, you poor thing.

I hope you can get out of your marriage without too much trouble. No one deserves to be treated that way.

[Nancy2015 2]

On Monday, June 12th he tried to kill me again. Unprovoked. Craziness. He started demanding that I tell him about the older gentleman from Germany as he had found his number in my purse on that previous Friday. I had already told him exactly who he was and why I had his number. He suspected something else. He beat me for hours. He allowed no chance for escape this time. He kept me locked in my bathroom only taking me out to beat me then put me back in. He choked me several times until I blacked out. He hit me so hard in my face that it became numb. He bit my face and lip and kept putting his hands in my mouth to try to make me gag. It lasted from about 10 pm until 3 am. The whole time he was telling me that he was going to kill me if I did not tell him "the reality". It stopped as quickly as it started. He suddenly lost that glazed look in his eyes and began to cry and beg me to forgive him. I was treated at the hospital for a concussion and many cuts and bruises and put on some heavy medication to calm my nerves. XXX was arrested. He was charged with 1st degree felony kidnapping, 1st degree felony assault by strangulation and assault on a female. He was looking at doing hard time (3-5 years) in prison, after 6 or 7 months in our county jail.

I broke out in cold sweat when I read this... Secret_Identity2, what can possibly keep you with this person? You had a chance to make him suffer, you had a chance to make him pay for all these horrible crimes he committed against you, and you didn't take this chance!!! I know, it may be very easy for me to say - I am not the one being abused, but still... This is BAD. He is a sicko and he needs to be locked up, my heart is breaking as I'm reading this...

Rightbeforeyou... get out. Please...

[KarenCee 3]

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

[sara535 15]

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

[rightbeforeyou 0]

Because I post on VJ occasionally, I chose to register under a different name to post my abuse story. I thought that was clear from the sign in name I chose;rightbeforeyou. It is because I am right before you but I am too ashamed and embarrassed to use my other ID. I am not here to blame all Arab men ,I married one. I think my abuse says as much about me as it does about him. I know I need to get out. That has kept me awake at night for many hours. I just do not know if I am strong enough to do it.

Edited August 15, 2007 by rightbeforeyou

[Traviesa 0]

Hey Melissa I tried sending you a PM but your box was full. I'll try again later. Your husband is right of course.

Sorry Stina I emptied it. Thanks

[sara535 15]

Because I post on VJ occasionally, I chose to register under a different name to post my abuse story. I thought that was clear from the sign in name I chose;rightbeforeyou. It is because I am right before you but I am too ashamed and embarrassed to use my other ID. I am not here to blame all Arab men ,I married one. I think my abuse says as much about me as it does about him. I know I need to get out. That has kept me awake at night for many hours. I just do not know if I am strong enough to do it.

well I hope and pray for you to find the strength to do what you have to.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

We can plead with these ladies to "GET OUT" all we want...the reality is they have to WANT to get out. They have to find the strength and courage to make that first step. Been there myself...and that first step is always the hardest. But it CAN BE DONE. I just hope these two ladies choose to take care of themselves in this way.

Abuse, by design and at the hand of the abuser, erodes the self-esteem of the victim to the extent that they are not only told that they are, but they begin to believe that they are responsible for the terrible outbursts and what is happening. That lack of self-esteem pulls them in to the dynamic more and ultimately can turn to co-dependency.

Please, secret identity, and rightbeforeyou, do not suffer in silence, but report this behaviour of your partners to a social worker, a pastor, a police officer, anyone!

[peezey 0]

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

She SAID SHE WAS THERE FOR 3 MORE WEEKS. You can get married in that amount of time.

[doodlebug 3]

His parents were nice and I thought it went well. The room suddenly fell quiet and he pops out a small box from behind his back and said here. I took the box and opened it and he said we will marry tomorrow. Even though in my heart, I had some doubts if I should marry him, I thought about our good times and believed in time he would stop these outbursts once he saw that I was loyal to him and I agreed to be married.

Married Life

I could not complain. The remaining three weeks after we married and before I left we never fought and he had no more outbursts.

You were there for a week and decided one day to just get married the next day?

I have never heard of a marriage in a MENA country hapening so smoothly and easily, most women spend an entire month running around gathering papers and stamps and who knows what else just to get permission to marry...

I'll probably get flamed for this but am I really the only one reading this thread who finds it odd that 2 newbies join the same day with remarkably similar stories of abuse from a MENA man including strangely similar writing styles??

I am not belittling or questioning the ugliness or widespread nature of domestic violence but something aobut these posters doesnt sit quite right with me....

Sarah I had suggested that people get an anonymous account to tell their story so that they'd feel like they could share it more freely. Some feel more comfortable doing it that way so that they're not judged.

I was going to say that it would be nice to hear about it from other countries since it's obviously not just a mena problem but then I thought that would sound like it would be nice if others were abused so I couldn't find the right way to word it. I'm sure there are others out there but just don't feel comfy telling it with their id but if they would just make up a new one (not sure if that's against policy but just for this one time) then they could share it without anyone knowing who they are.