Recognizng the signs

[Emancipation 2]

Great posting and it truly does go way beyond cultural lines.

I was a youth pastor and my ex-husband the same. It can happen to anyone in any position. Sometimes it's hard to identify yourself as abused. It took me 2 years to be able to say it out loud, another 2 to leave the relationship fully. When you are being abused you get sick in the process... sometimes that means you stay longer than you should, put up with more than you should, put yourself in harms way, etc. It takes courage to make small steps in those moments.. talking to a friend, getting counselling, moving to a safer spot. All those things are big huge steps and let no one tell you different.

When you loose who you are, who you love, and the colors out of your world, you know something is horribly wrong. It is time to make a step towards freedom.

[Caladan 19]

It's also worthwhile that the distinction really isn't between 'culture shock' and 'abuse' as much as it is between 'acceptable behavior' and 'abuse.' If it's abuse, it's abuse, no matter the justification for it. I.e., it doesn't matter if it would be acceptable in the spouse's home culture if it's not acceptable here.

[secret_identity2 0]

And even better would be if someone perhaps via an anonymous name if they don't want to be known came in and told us their story and how it escalated and how they are now.

I met XXX in, 2005, online in a chat room. I was in a bad marriage, unhappy and had already taken steps to end it. XXX was like a dream to me. He said all the right things, made me feel like I deserved happiness and he could give me the world. I traveled for the 1st time to his (MENA) country and stayed 6 weeks. That first trip was wonderful; we traveled extensively throughout the country and I had the time of my life. But now, looking back on it, I guess there were signs of things to come even then..He was extremely jealous... As we began to travel, his behavior became intense. He would become angry at me if I made eye contact with anyone. Man, woman or child. If I looked at a waiter in a cafe' as he was taking my order he would become angry, accusing me of giving what he called 'digger looks' to him. If my eyes followed some commotion on the street, he would again become agitated and accused me of searching out the "attractions" of other men. Now, all of this was totally ridiculous to me. I tried to explain to him that making eye contact with people is what I have done all my life. That it is considered rude and bad manners to not look at someone in the eye when you spoke to them, and if there was noise or something happening in the proximity, it is just human curiosity to turn to see the commotion. He told me that it was the exact opposite in his culture. Looking directly at a man when I spoke made me look like a ####### among other things... I just let it go and tried to adjust my reactions. I thought he was just overly protective and perhaps a bit paranoid, but still sweet and gentle.

When I returned home, within just a short time..I noticed something changing in him. We tried to get back in the routine of the MSN chats and web cam, but it felt so different then. After we had been together in person going back to that felt like prison. It was horrible. I was in a deep depression, and something sinister was happening to my love. He started to make these really horrible accusations of me. If he were to sign into MSN and not find me in front of the pc, he would say it was because I was in the other room with another man. If he called my phone and I was in the shower or out of earshot it meant that I was cheating on him. If he called me at work and I was on the phone with a client to him it meant that I was having an affair with my boss. This became my daily existence for over a year. I really don't know why I continued to forgive him. I kept remembering that feeling of pure bliss in the beginning..of the dream that I had of sharing a beautiful life with him. I kept telling myself that it was only the pain of that unnatural separation that was causing him to behave so erratically. So, I plugged on with our process, finally getting the divorce from my x-husband who fought me every step of the way..Filing the petition for his k-1. I kept believing that when he saw the steps I was taking to be with him, the things that I did or if I could get back to see him again, he would be ok.

Finally after a year, I was able to return late last year. This time was much different. There was something in his eyes that was just not right. The entire trip was strained. So many horrible things had been said between us in the previous year, he had so much mistrust of me that I could see was driving him insane. Again and again I kept telling myself that he would be fine when he got here. I had already invested so much time, money and emotional stress into this; and most importantly, I loved him, I was not willing to give up yet.

Finally he got his interview and visa this spring. He arrived in March.. From almost the beginning it was horrible. He is abusive. He started to hit me within the first week. He will lose his temper very quickly and it escalates to violence very quickly. He never hit me hard enough to leave a mark on my face, but left some bruises on my legs and arms on 4 different occasions leading up to first weeks of June. Please, don't ask me why I did not leave. I just don't have the answer to that. . I wanted so badly for this to work.

On Friday June 1, he woke up before me to get ready for work. It was just past 6 am. I was sleeping when I felt his hand on my face. I opened my eyes and he told me to "get up". As I was just sitting up, he grabbed me by my legs and pulled me off of the bed and began to drag me through my house to the kitchen. He picked me up and held me against the window in the kitchen screaming at me "What is that outside"? I live in a duplex that has rows of buildings. The area he was pointing to was just a patch of grass between my building and the next. I asked him what he wanted me to see. He then threw me to the floor and I saw that he had my cell phone. He was screaming at me asking me why I had called the cable company the day before. I told him it was to pay the bill by phone as I do every month. He began babbling that it was because I called the repair man over to have sex with me while he was at work, and he was seeing tire tracks in the grass behind my building. I realized that he was crazy. I was still on the floor at that point and started to crawl away from him. He kicked me, hard 3 or 4 times then he left for work. I was so upset, but I managed to go to work. Fridays are a short day for me, I got off at 3. I decided that I did not want to go home. I went to a local restaurant and sat at the bar and proceeded to drink some margaritas. I ran into a woman that I had met through a co-worker 6 months before. She asked me what was wrong. She said she could tell something was wrong without me even saying anything. I told her everything. She of course told me to run away from him as fast as possible. In that time, a friend of hers, an older man from Germany came in and joined us. He is a very kind man in his 60's. He gave me his number and offered me a place to stay if I needed it and was very gracious.

Later that afternoon when XXX returned home he began to call my phone. I told him exactly where I was. I told him that I was not coming home and that I was going to make arrangements to leave him. By this time, I will admit that I was a bit tipsy, but I was sure of my decision. He begged me to come home. He apologized, admitted how wrong he was and begged me to just come home to talk to him. With my liquid courage inside of me I went home. When I got there he was playing chess with a kid from the neighborhood. I went into the bedroom and fell asleep. I am not sure what time it was, but I was suddenly awoken by him straddling me. The first hit came directly to my chest. Then he started to choke me. He had a look in his eyes of pure insanity. I was sure he was going to kill me. He got up for a moment to close the window and I sprung up and ran out of my house with him right on my heels. I started screaming as soon as I got outside and ran onto the deck of a neighbor and began beating on her window screaming "please call 911". The police arrived. Now, I live in a little nothing place in the south, but I would never have dreamed of how I would be treated. This big redneck cop takes me into the cruiser and I told him everything. I told him that I was afraid that he was going to kill me. He then left me and went to talk to XXX. He came back to the car and said that this was basically my word against his, he was not going to arrest him. He was not going to take him to jail. I was shocked. At that point I became numb. I am not sure, but I think I called the officer a f*ing redneck because he got in my face and told me he was going to take me to jail....I went back inside. For the next week XXX slept on the couch and I had decided that he would go back to his country as it was not working out. He agreed. But as the week went on, he became calm, nice and sweet and loving. He asked for another chance. I gave it to him.

On Monday, June 12th he tried to kill me again. Unprovoked. Craziness. He started demanding that I tell him about the older gentleman from Germany as he had found his number in my purse on that previous Friday. I had already told him exactly who he was and why I had his number. He suspected something else. He beat me for hours. He allowed no chance for escape this time. He kept me locked in my bathroom only taking me out to beat me then put me back in. He choked me several times until I blacked out. He hit me so hard in my face that it became numb. He bit my face and lip and kept putting his hands in my mouth to try to make me gag. It lasted from about 10 pm until 3 am. The whole time he was telling me that he was going to kill me if I did not tell him "the reality". It stopped as quickly as it started. He suddenly lost that glazed look in his eyes and began to cry and beg me to forgive him. I was treated at the hospital for a concussion and many cuts and bruises and put on some heavy medication to calm my nerves. XXX was arrested. He was charged with 1st degree felony kidnapping, 1st degree felony assault by strangulation and assault on a female. He was looking at doing hard time (3-5 years) in prison, after 6 or 7 months in our county jail.

I hired my own lawyer and dropped my portion of the charges. As much pain as he caused me, I didn't want to see him suffer. On July 2nd I went to court and testified that I did not want my husband in jail. I told the judge that we had gone through so much to be together that it was a shame for it to end like that. The DA who was there was furious that a different DA had agreed to reduce the charges to just a misdemeanor assault on a female charge, but because the deal had already been struck between my lawyer, XXX's public defender and another DA there was nothing he could do. After more than 3 weeks in our county jail, the judge released him with $700 in fines and probation.

He is home with me again, at least for now. . His time in jail was hell as it was what he deserved. Things are not good between us. He goes from hot to cold in an instant. Nearly all of the signs that were posted he possesses. I feel so trapped. I have totally isolated myself and have no friends and I feel too much shame to confide in my family as all of the warnings that I was given have now become reality. I am not sure that he will not hit me again, but I don't fear it anymore. My agony now is deeper. My heart is broken. Literally. I feel pain so deeply that it is hard to breath, and that is not from the physical abuse. I have not come to a complete decision about my future with him. I am aware that AOS will be difficult at best for him now that this has happened. He does not want to leave.

Sorry about the long post, but it does feel good to write it all down.

[Caladan 19]

I don't know your family, but I would be willing to bet that they would not make you feel ashamed if you confided in them, and might be a source of strength.

[mybackpages 0]

I guess there were signs of things to come even then..He was extremely jealous... As we began to travel, his behavior became intense. He would become angry at me if I made eye contact with anyone. Man, woman or child. If I looked at a waiter in a cafe' as he was taking my order he would become angry, accusing me of giving what he called 'digger looks' to him. If my eyes followed some commotion on the street, he would again become agitated and accused me of searching out the "attractions" of other men. Now, all of this was totally ridiculous to me. I tried to explain to him that making eye contact with people is what I have done all my life. That it is considered rude and bad manners to not look at someone in the eye when you spoke to them, and if there was noise or something happening in the proximity, it is just human curiosity to turn to see the commotion. He told me that it was the exact opposite in his culture. Looking directly at a man when I spoke made me look like a ####### among other things... I just let it go and tried to adjust my reactions. I thought he was just overly protective and perhaps a bit paranoid, but still sweet and gentle.

of this whole story, this is the point that stuck out to me the most.

I think its common. A woman goes to a foreign country with a culture so differnt from anything she knows and with preconvied ideas about the culture (mostly subconscious I suspect). She sees things and is a bit disoritented in her interpretation. All the familiar cultural clues are missing. Miscommunication is explained away as cultural misunderstandings.

Sometimes we are right and sometimes we are wrong.

A man walks ahead of the woman instead of beside her. We think- wow he treats women as inferior. He thinks I am going to walk ahead because it is good manners. Both are capable of misreading cultural cues.

In this case, the posters admits there was an apparent culutral miscommunication, but it was much more than just that. It was a clue to the personlaity and values the man held which in hindsight seem soo easy to spot.

[doodlebug 3]

secret identity - thank you so so very much for writing this down. As much as it may have helped you to get it out you have no idea how much it probably has helped others.

I hope more come to post their experiences anonymously.

[Aymerlu 3]

Very good points! My ex had a lot of these mentioned. Khallid doesn't!

[peezey 0]

Please explain why you put yourself in the situation to be "trapped" when you had all the help in the world at your fingertips to get rid of this sick #######?

Edited August 14, 2007 by peezey

[Traviesa 0]

Abuse can take many shapes. I have never been physically abused but have suffered through much more emotional abuse then I ever needed to. When you develop certain habits and tendencies you will get into a pattern which is difficult at best to break and you end up involving yourself, and in some cases, surrounding yourself with abusers because it's comfortable and you really don't know any better.

I can't believe I'm posting this out in the open like this, and no my husband does not treat me this way but that's a whole other story.

When you allow people to make you feel like garbage it takes its toll over time. Personally, I'm in a really bad place in my life right now. Over the years I developed chronic depression, I self-injure, and I drink. You should see my arm right now. Don't let this happen to you. As my husband told me the other day: por favor valora tu vida eres una persona admirable y muy linda solo descubrete...which basically means please value your life you are a good and beautiful person, just discover yourself.

[Krikit 1,164]

Oh, GOD, Secret_Identity2. Get out of there NOW. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your family. Please think of the pain and guilt they will have for the rest of their lives when he kills you. You cannot let them live with that. Your family and friends will not make you feel shame. They love you and will protect you. You have the ability to change the future. PLEASE take advantage of it.

God bless.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Oh, GOD, Secret_Identity2. Get out of there NOW.

No kidding...and I hope the secret poster isn't - then get out before he kills you...which he most certainly will. He's a psycho path.

[smoke20 0]

Secret_Identity2 its time to bolt before anything else happens.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

Get the he!! outta there! NOW.

[chri'stina 190]

Abuse can take many shapes. I have never been physically abused but have suffered through much more emotional abuse then I ever needed to. When you develop certain habits and tendencies you will get into a pattern which is difficult at best to break and you end up involving yourself, and in some cases, surrounding yourself with abusers because it's comfortable and you really don't know any better.

I can't believe I'm posting this out in the open like this, and no my husband does not treat me this way but that's a whole other story.

When you allow people to make you feel like garbage it takes its toll over time. Personally, I'm in a really bad place in my life right now. Over the years I developed chronic depression, I self-injure, and I drink. You should see my arm right now. Don't let this happen to you. As my husband told me the other day: por favor valora tu vida eres una persona admirable y muy linda solo descubrete...which basically means please value your life you are a good and beautiful person, just discover yourself.

Hey Melissa I tried sending you a PM but your box was full. I'll try again later. Your husband is right of course.

Oh, GOD, Secret_Identity2. Get out of there NOW. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your family. Please think of the pain and guilt they will have for the rest of their lives when he kills you. You cannot let them live with that. Your family and friends will not make you feel shame. They love you and will protect you. You have the ability to change the future. PLEASE take advantage of it.

God bless.

I don't even really know what to say. No one deserves to be treated that way Secret_Identity, and you know that's true. If you don't break out of this cycle soon, you may never. It may seem overwhelming to get out and leave him and send him home, but you HAVE to do this if you want any peace in your life. Find at least one person who will help you leave. I have no experience with abuse so I don't really know how it feels. But hearing about it just makes me cringe and I can't believe you would tolerate this.

[Caladan 19]

Please explain why you put yourself in the situation to be "trapped" when you had all the help in the world at your fingertips to get rid of this sick #######?

For the same reasons any battered woman does. That's why some states take over the prosecutorial duty from the woman completely; if she says she wants to drop charges, in some states the DA can file them anyway. It's not uncommon for a woman to think 'oh, he just snapped/had a bad day/didn't mean it and I goaded him' and if you add to that someone's immigration status being on the line, there's a whole lot of pressure not to make any decisions to 'ruin someone's life.' (I agree the guy needs his life ruined, but it's easy for me to say that. I'm not the one being abused.)