Recognizng the signs

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

haven't we all seen those lifetime movies about abuse... I know it is just a movie but some of them are based on fact...

the woman will try to leave but the man will hunt them down etc...

I don't think the lifetime channel likes men very much

[Marilyn. 340]

haven't we all seen those lifetime movies about abuse... I know it is just a movie but some of them are based on fact...

the woman will try to leave but the man will hunt them down etc...

I don't think the lifetime channel likes men very much

it is a women's channel..

men have their Spike TV, their ESPN etc...

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

haven't we all seen those lifetime movies about abuse... I know it is just a movie but some of them are based on fact...

the woman will try to leave but the man will hunt them down etc...

I don't think the lifetime channel likes men very much

it is a women's channel..

men have their Spike TV, their ESPN etc...

I know... but every time I flip to Lifetime there's a physco man after a woman. It's a running joke with my male friends.

[Marilyn. 340]

sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread...

back to your regularly scheduled programming...

[desert_fox 32]

I give up....you all deserve it.

Call any abuse hotline and they will tell you the same. Call any police dept and they will tell you the same.

I thought I was dealing with educated ppl, but apparently not. You guys belong on Jerry Springer. Enjoy and do nothing. Didnt realize I was dealing with trailer ppl from rural podunk USA.

[Marilyn. 340]

huh

[MaRob 0]

If someone was holding a knife to your throat, someone probably much stronger than you, you can't do anything at that moment about it.

Indeed - but you can do something afterwards. You can retaliate in many different ways

(including poisoning the ####### - women do tend to control the food supply.)

xbASFYBr-F8

[/ Edited August 17, 2007 by MaRob

[Peggy 1]

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

Edited August 17, 2007 by PEGGY

[desert_fox 32]

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

Soory this happened...truely. But if you did not get an Ex-parte order and just let it happen...you volunteered. Some ppl just dont get it. Read back to the beginning of this thread....women saying that they would not tolerate it....but appently some of you do.....

A Story....had a grlfrnd...she took a swing at me one night...she missed.....I invited her out of my life. Next day she was calling and apologizing as she knew no other way. That was the way it was when she was married, and she didnt realize that some ppl dont tolerate it.

[Captain Ewok 1,891]

Alright everyone please play more nice and stop any personal attacks from starting up further. Thank you.

[Marilyn. 340]

it is not like the hitting just happens.. from what I have heard it works up to taht... little things the abuser might to to tear down your self esteem etc.... so that when he does start hitting you, you are not sure what to do....

I don't think any women would volunteer to be abused... that is just silly to even say something like taht....

[mawilson 2,133]

If someone was holding a knife to your throat, someone probably much stronger than you, you can't do anything at that moment about it.

Indeed - but you can do something afterwards. You can retaliate in many different ways

(including poisoning the ####### - women do tend to control the food supply.)

xbASFYBr-F8

[/

[TracyTN 237]

I give up....you all deserve it.

Call any abuse hotline and they will tell you the same. Call any police dept and they will tell you the same.

I thought I was dealing with educated ppl, but apparently not. You guys belong on Jerry Springer. Enjoy and do nothing. Didnt realize I was dealing with trailer ppl from rural podunk USA.

Who all deserves what?

I guess it takes trailer trash to know trailer trash.

[Peggy 1]

He is always rude when it comes to this subject.

Just ignore him and he will go away.

My ex stalked me and begged me to come back for a year and a half after I left him.

He put me and our two youngs sons thru hell after I left. So its not just what they do to you when you live with them, its also the sh@t you take when you do leave. I prayed every night he would find a new women so he would leave me alone. He terrified me and my sons and my family for that entire time. He nuts. Most abuser are.

Soory this happened...truely. But if you did not get an Ex-parte order and just let it happen...you volunteered. Some ppl just dont get it. Read back to the beginning of this thread....women saying that they would not tolerate it....but appently some of you do.....

A Story....had a grlfrnd...she took a swing at me one night...she missed.....I invited her out of my life. Next day she was calling and apologizing as she knew no other way. That was the way it was when she was married, and she didnt realize that some ppl dont tolerate it.

I did have a protective order against him. Was not worth Sh@t.

[Ta Ta 1]

I agree with the fact that abuse does not happen immediately or early on in the relationship. However are there not very subtle clues

early enough that hint now and then at trouble to come ? Subtle clues of control issues when it seems best to reevaluate the relationship

BEFORE it gets out of hand ? That was my point earlier.

I think an abuser usually shows himself as controlling before he ever strikes. Therefore my suggestion to watch your boundaries early on.

That way the emotions are not so deeply invested and it is easier to just walk away.

Hindsight, were there any clues early on that were a red flag ? I was myself in a relationship were I ignored such early,subtle clues and wished

I had paid attention to them and ran.

The first time I was questioned why am I wearing white tops .......white tops are see through, every white top is no matter what the material I was told........

I should have said goodbye and have a nice live ! Also the same "why are you looking at everybody " control. It takes a piece of your identity

away and walking on eggshells soon gets old.

After that relationship I have made it a point to not tolerate any such nonsense again early on. He did not hit but was emotionally very jealous, insecure and unstable and had a need to control. I left. Thank God. I am very blessed to have met my fiance who respects and loves me. May God help us to continue that way.

I see your point. If I was worried about something see-thru on my girl...I would probably buy her a camisole. But that is me.

That was the crazy part........it was NOT see through but in his mind it was ! ALL white fabrics ! I wear modest clothing.

If a man does not like revealing clothes then I feel a camisole like you suggested is great and also ' honey is it possible you could cover

up a bit, it bothers me...........then he can either accept it or move on. The tone and intensity matters, is it a request or demand...........

But really in my case it was a nonsense demand for absolutely no reason.

I have been struggling a little on how to say this but I will try now. Most of the traits listed might-again I say might be baggage from how someone is raised. Take the white top example. It could be construed as controlling leading to abuse or it might be that he always heard his father talk unfavorably about women in white tops. If asked about the why behind the comment--his answer will probably reveal a lot about his personality. I think this boils down to respect. If you respect someone, you don't do those things (at least intentionally--again, good communication helps). And if you respect yourself (that is not a given either) you will not accept the abuse. Having said that, how many of us could literally, right this instant, get up and walk out of our relationship? Why then do we browbeat people in a relationship about how they should just get up and leave? It can't be any easier for them than for us. We all need to be aware and stay read up on the subject so we can, 1) maybe help someone else, 2) see that maybe we need help and here is the toughie, 3) maybe recognize signs of controlling/abuse in ourselves. ouch! Everyone has done it at some level either as a child or as an adult.

Joelunchbox I agree with all your points. The why's that led to the behaviour had been examined and discussed in my relationship. It was one example of many.

He had an anxiety disorder and was badly hurt by a cheating ex. That baggage was carried over and co transfered to me.The why's are not an excuse but rather an insight for potential change.

He chose not to change and not to have the anxiety treated.

For me it was easier to leave than stay in that environment because after a while it became an oppression. I was losing myself.

Yes, no one should ever be browbeaten to leave an abusive relationship but encouraged and helped.

I had also noticed a little control tendency within myself looking back into a previous relationship. Thank God I became aware of the signs and caught my thought pattern. Yes, ouch is right !

Amazing what relationships can teach us about ourselves first and foremost.

My point again was that leaving early ( weeks to few months of dating ) when something strikes you as odd, is easier and it is vital to watch for subtle clues THEN, rather than make excuses later and find it hard to leave.

Sometimes it is our rose colored glasses and not the extraordinary ability of the abuser to hide their dark side.

So many teenage girls do not realize that and an overwhelmingly large number suffer some kind of abuse in their first few weeks of dating.

Thanks for the chance to discuss these issues with you.