Recognizng the signs

[Caladan 19]

If no one in your circle of friends have experienced it, they can't truly say what'd they do. We can all hope we would do the right thing in that situation. Some women never get out of the cycle and really leave. I think you should instead applaud those who did get out and not condemn them, because in the end they did stand up for themselves. Not everyone can do it at the same speed, the important part is that they do it. You don't know enough about the situations to be so harsh about it. If someone was holding a knife to your throat, someone probably much stronger than you, you can't do anything at that moment about it.

*oops said neck instead of knife

I have friends that have experienced this. ONE TIME!!!!

I even have a married daughter with a 14 yr old daughter...and I know that she would not tolerate this for an instant. She would call the police and be out of there that night...and would be at the lawyers office the next morning.

Of course, she was trained my me and my ex, where this is not tolerated under any circumstances.

Guess it depends upon from where you got your belief system and how you became a co-dependent.

Or she might not, knowing that her system of so-called support, her parents, would likely tell her she was a volunteer for getting abused. You know, because she volunteered by not seeing the warning signs. Shouldn't she have known better? Maybe she'd be afraid to tell you and your ex because it would reflect badly on your belief system. Give me a break.

If you're honestly that much of a jackass that you'd tell an abused woman it was her fault if she was dragged around by her hair when the police wouldn't believe her, have the decency to keep your goddamn mouth shut on a thread supporting many women who are struggling with abuse NOW.

[desert_fox 32]

[

May I ask what you are contributing to this thread. The purpose was for those women/men who are in the beginning stages or later of an abusive relationship to recognize the signs and help them to identify what the abuse is.

All I see you doing is abusing these women even more by belittling them. I really don't think you should be commenting in here any further. If I had been abused and read your comments I'd hesitate to share my story for fear of you belittling my experience.

And btw as for "letting" someone drag you by the hair, ever stop to think that SOME of these women are tinier than the men. Have you NOT EVER lost a fight? If you have lost a fight what are you some kind of wimp? You couldn't hold your own? What a loser!!! (that's what you're saying to these women.....)

Yes...I am contributing by telling people...NOT TO TOLERATE IT..under any circumstances. Isnt that what people are saying??

Take action...go to counseling...get a divorce...but never never tolerate it.

I dont want to hear your sorry stories....I dont care, but DO NOT TOLERATE IT....it is demeaning and it is against the law.

You tolerate///..you volunteer.

[doodlebug 3]

[

May I ask what you are contributing to this thread. The purpose was for those women/men who are in the beginning stages or later of an abusive relationship to recognize the signs and help them to identify what the abuse is.

All I see you doing is abusing these women even more by belittling them. I really don't think you should be commenting in here any further. If I had been abused and read your comments I'd hesitate to share my story for fear of you belittling my experience.

And btw as for "letting" someone drag you by the hair, ever stop to think that SOME of these women are tinier than the men. Have you NOT EVER lost a fight? If you have lost a fight what are you some kind of wimp? You couldn't hold your own? What a loser!!! (that's what you're saying to these women.....)

Yes...I am contributing by telling people...NOT TO TOLERATE IT..under any circumstances. Isnt that what people are saying??

Take action...go to counseling...get a divorce...but never never tolerate it.

I dont want to hear your sorry stories....I dont care, but DO NOT TOLERATE IT....it is demeaning and it is against the law.

You tolerate///..you volunteer.

Don't quit your day job buddy.

[featherB 1]

I think anyone who believes victims of domestic abuse are 'volunteering' for it, and that they must 'want' it, clearly has a few problems.

Wow. Can't quite believe what I've just read here.

[Krikit 1,164]

Desert_Fox, I am absolutely appalled and horrified at the ignorance of your comments. You are a disgrace. I have nothing more to say to you.

[Krikit 1,164]

Emancipation,

I feel sick at the thought of what you have been through and how you have been treated on this thread. Please know that there are others who understand. As for that poster.... karma's a great educator.

(((((hugs)))))

[bszoom42 0]

A lot of times, there are external factors which keeps a person in an abusive relationship. For example, the stigma of "failing your marriage", "staying together for the kids", etc.

Also I think that its not always men abusing women, there are lots of situations where women abuse men as well. I think the issue is bigger then a man abused a woman - it's an abuser exerted his/her control on his/her victim...

Threads like this help to educate people to recognize the signs. It's easy to sit on your computer, read a 5 minute summary of what someone had to endure over weeks/months/years and pass judgment.

When you are living the situation, day to day, moment to moment, then it is a different story.

Also, I think it is human nature for good people to think good things about people, even if they do bad things. Good people don't want to believe that their child's kindergarden teacher is in an abusive relationship.... you don't want to believe that the neighbor across the street hits his/her spouse... I think this also makes it more difficult for people in abusive relationships to get out, because they have to surmount everyone's expectations. Everyone is expecting that they are leading a happy relationship, and the victim doesn't want to dissapoint them to let them know the truth...

My fiancee's and my prayers are with every victim and we hope that you will be able to find happiness.

Edited August 17, 2007 by bszoom42

[Emancipation 2]

Yes...I am contributing by telling people...NOT TO TOLERATE IT..under any circumstances. Isnt that what people are saying??

Take action...go to counseling...get a divorce...but never never tolerate it.

I dont want to hear your sorry stories....I dont care, but DO NOT TOLERATE IT....it is demeaning and it is against the law.

You tolerate///..you volunteer.

No one here is going to disagree with you that no one should tolerate abuse; however to boil it down and say that if you don't leave immediately that you are no longer a victim but a volunteer in some sick co-dependant trip I think you are simplifying the situation entirely too much especially on a forum where there are people who move to an entirely different country, who may or may not have a good handle on the language/laws/culture and it's down right harmful IMO to be so flippant in such a thread...

You were exactly the type of person i feared telling my story to.. someone who would say "do this - if not it's now your own fault, and you asked for it"... There are complexities with this issue and with people who have been abused & threatened within every inch of thier lives that you are not understanding and identifying. You do not speak for me, and you do not IMO have a balanced or sympathetic approach to this issue.

[caybee 21]

Some people are so afraid to acknowledge that something this bad can happen to them or someone close to them that they say the victim must not have done enough to stop it. People blame the victim out of fear because realizing that this really could happen to my son or daughter, my sister, my mother is too terrifying. Until someone has lived through the mind games that go along with abuse, or watched someone close to them live through them, they can judge all they want, but they won't ever understand.

We need to look this monster in the face and acknowledge that yes, it can happen to me or to someone I love, no matter how strong we are, no matter how rosy our childhood was. And the best thing we can do for someone we love who is being abused is to keep contact with them and listen to them, even if they can't or won't take action yet, even if we want to shake them and scream at them to wake up before they lose their life. To write off their experience as complicity only isolates them even more and does nothing to boost their self-esteem and self-confidence (exactly what the abuser wants). Yes, the abused person is weak and probably, at the time, mentally ill, and certainly codependent. They don't act normal because they have gradually lost their sense of self. This is almost always a progressive situation. It doesn't happen overnight. Everyone has heard the story of the frog that is boiled alive and never attempts to jump out because the water in the pot is heated slowly. One day, you wake up and realize you have no idea what you enjoy doing in life, what your goals are, but you could name a hundred of your abuser's goals and desires. This can happen long before the first slap. Both partners are sick, yes, but one is guilty and one is innocent. And in this society, we are supposed to protect the innocent when they are not strong enough to protect themselves.

Also I think that its not always men abusing women, there are lots of situations where women abuse men as well. I think the issue is bigger then a man abused a woman - it's an abuser exerted his/her control on his/her victim...

It's all about control.

[Emancipation 2]

Emancipation,

I feel sick at the thought of what you have been through and how you have been treated on this thread. Please know that there are others who understand. As for that poster.... karma's a great educator.

(((((hugs)))))

'

Thank you Krikit & others who commented on my behalf.. I appreciate it more than you know..

I pray others in this thread who are dealing with abusive households find peace, find safety, and find help... if someone is being judgemental or harsh with you about your situation PLEASE get help from another source.. Keep speaking, keep searching till you find someone who can empathize and truly help you.. DO NOT GIVE UP!!

[TracyTN 237]

No worries, Emancipation.

MOST people here are quite aware that this is no black and white issue, nor do we find it appropriate to belittle and insult those who may be/have been in a situation like that.

[mawilson 2,133]

If someone was holding a knife to your throat, someone probably much stronger than you, you can't do anything at that moment about it.

Indeed - but you can do something afterwards. You can retaliate in many different ways

(including poisoning the ####### - women do tend to control the food supply.)

[chri'stina 190]

If someone was holding a knife to your throat, someone probably much stronger than you, you can't do anything at that moment about it.

Indeed - but you can do something afterwards. You can retaliate in many different ways

(including poisoning the ####### - women do tend to control the food supply.)

I'm not sure how many people just have poison laying around...

I agree they can do something afterwards. But in many situations we don't know everything involved. I doubt every woman involved in abuse has people to turn to, and if you have no marks on your body the cops can't arrest the man, and some are threatened to stay and chased if they leave. It's very good to leave, they should leave, we all agree on that. But doing so may not be as easy as we think. We should comment those who have left and hope for those who have not. Making them feel like trash is not going to help.

[Yaads 0]

Yes...I am contributing by telling people...NOT TO TOLERATE IT..under any circumstances. Isnt that what people are saying??

Take action...go to counseling...get a divorce...but never never tolerate it.

I dont want to hear your sorry stories....I dont care, but DO NOT TOLERATE IT....it is demeaning and it is against the law.

You tolerate///..you volunteer.

No one here is going to disagree with you that no one should tolerate abuse; however to boil it down and say that if you don't leave immediately that you are no longer a victim but a volunteer in some sick co-dependant trip I think you are simplifying the situation entirely too much especially on a forum where there are people who move to an entirely different country, who may or may not have a good handle on the language/laws/culture and it's down right harmful IMO to be so flippant in such a thread...

You were exactly the type of person i feared telling my story to.. someone who would say "do this - if not it's now your own fault, and you asked for it"... There are complexities with this issue and with people who have been abused & threatened within every inch of thier lives that you are not understanding and identifying. You do not speak for me, and you do not IMO have a balanced or sympathetic approach to this issue.

So true

An abuser slowly whittles away your self confidence and your support system so that when they attack at a higher degree you really have no where to go. Someone mentioned "mind games" and that couldn't be more true. I believe that 99% of domestic violence cases started out on a mental/verbal before they escalated to anything physical. Mental and Verbal abuse are incredibly hard to realize when you yourself are in the situation. It isn't as easy to recognize like physical beating. When you are "beaten" verbally and mentally but have no visable wounds except for the words that have have been said to you it is very intimidating to seek help. I know that a lot of times I justified it in my own head as "well this can't be abuse, at least he isn't hitting me" or "I can't bother those DV hotlines or resources when there are people who are truly being abused"

Hundreds if not thousands of things run through your head when you are being abused. A lot of times you are years into the relationship and you love the person so much that you justify their behavior. Am I saying it is the right thing to do? Hell no! Does it happen? All the time. When you have so much of your life - mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually involved with someone it isn't so cut and dry IN YOUR OWN HEAD. To an outsider it may be clear what the person needs to do but to the person going through it...and usually having gone through it for years - things just aren't so clear and cut and dry.

Thanks for all the wonderful support and information in this thread as well as those strong enough to share their stories on a public message board

Edited August 17, 2007 by Jme3584

[Marilyn. 340]

haven't we all seen those lifetime movies about abuse... I know it is just a movie but some of them are based on fact...

the woman will try to leave but the man will hunt them down etc...