Recognizng the signs

[mybackpages 0]

As doodle pointed out, there is a perception here in MENA of late that a there are USC petitioning for a MENA SO and fear of domestic violence is evident. Soemtimes I think we are quick to dismiss some behavior as "culture shock" or adjustment issues or a culural difference comon in MENA.

I found this list of characteristics shared by batterers. I think it would transcend global/culural lines:

Jealousy

At the beginning of the relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A batterer will question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with your family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly to check up on you. The abuser may insist that you not work or check the car mileage or ask friends to watch you.

Controlling Behavior

At first, the batterer will say that this behavior comes from concern about your safety, your need to use time wisely, or your need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if you are late coming home, and he/she may question you closely about where you went or whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse, you may not be allowed to make decisions about the house, your clothing, or your going out. The abuser may keep all the money or make you ask permission to leave the house.

Quick Involvement

Many survivors of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind claiming love at first sight. The person may tell you such flattering things as “you're the only person for me” or “I've never loved anyone like this before.”

Unrealistic Expectations

At first, the batterer will say that this behavior comes from concern about your safety, you need to use time well, or your need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if you are late coming home. He/She may question you closely about where you went or whom you talked to.

Isolation

A batterer will try to cut you off from everything and everyone. People who are your support system are accused of causing trouble. You may not be able to use the phone or go out when you want to.

Blames Other(s) for Problems

The abuser's problems are justified by saying that people are out to get him or her. The abuser may blame problems on you and claim that you are at fault for every think that goes wrong.

Blames Other(s) for Feelings

The abuser will say “you make me mad” or “you're hurting me by not doing what I ask.” You cannot make anyone feel anything, and often times, an abuser uses this statement to manipulate you.

Hypersensitivity

The abuser is easily insulted, claims hurt feelings when really feeling mad, or takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened.

Cruelty to Animals or Children

The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things way beyond their ability or tease them until they cry.

Playful Use of Force In Sex

The abuser may like to throw you down and hold you down during sex, or act out fantasies where you are helpless. The abuser may start to have sex with you while you are sleeping or demand sex while you are ill or tired or right after an assault.

Verbal Abuse

In addition to saying things that are cruel or hurtful, the abuser may degrade you, or run down your accomplishments. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function alone.

Two Very Different Personalities

You may be confused by the batterer's sudden change in mood. One minute the person is nice and the next minute, explosive or very sad. This does not indicate some kind of special mental problem or that the person is “crazy”.

Past Battering

You may find out the abuser has hit lovers in the past, but claims that they provoked or exaggerated it. A batterer will assault any person they are with. Situational circumstances do not make a person batter.

Breaking and Striking Objects

This behavior is used as punishment and used to terrorize you. The batterer will select specific items of personal worth to destroy. The person may strike tables or walls, or throw objects.

Any Type of Force During an Argument

This may involve holding you down or restraining you from leaving the room. Any physical assault is considered battering.

Source: http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteringpersonality.html

[brnidokiegurl 0]

EXCELLENT POINTS

[deemabrouk 0]

i got 11 out of 15

[deadbird 2]

Another thing you should never say to yourself, "if he ever hits me, I'm gone." He can do so much more damage before he actually hits you. Don't let it get to that point; if you're making excuses for bad behavior, you'll just make excuses for hitting/arm-twisting/ etc.

(Dee -hugs-)

[sarah and hicham 3]

Animal cruelty

Good post MBP.

As we all know there have been a couple of abuse cases on VJ lately and I think it's so sad when a woman returns with a man who is abusive. It really is not healthy for anyone.

[allousa 1]

MBP - EXCELLENT POST!!!!

Below is a "Domestic Violence Wheel" that shows the different stages. Same information MBP posted. I also think this type of behavior transcends culture. IMO, the controlling behavior can VERY EASILY escalate into physical abuse which can in turn be deadly.

[mybackpages 0]

There does seem to be a lot of info on the internet about signs of an abusive realationship. I am going to try and maybe someone will find it before me - information about signs to look for before you get involved. maybe especially realted to long distance relationships?

[doodlebug 3]

And even better would be if someone perhaps via an anonymous name if they don't want to be known came in and told us their story and how it escalated and how they are now.

[caybee 21]

And violence isn't always the hitting kind. An abuser can scream at a partner while one or the other is driving, or can take crazy chances behind the wheel in uncontrolled anger. To me, that's the same as waving a loaded pistol in someone's face, or at least waving it around wildly. I know of a man who gave his partner a motorcycle helmet, but when she wore it while riding with him one day, he apparently decided it made him look inept to others, as if she didn't trust his driving. So he gave her the ride of her life "to give her a reason to need it."

[Yaads 0]

Just wanted to add some information to you all. I grew up in an extremely abusive household and have dealt with an abusive husband after this visa process. Please take it seriously. I ignored all the warning signs in the beginning and definitely fell into the "give him another chance, he can change trap" While it is true someone can change it isn't going to happen overnight or in a week or two and it isn't going to happen without outside professional help. Abusers are all about power and control and doing anything and everything to keep the "secret" a secret. They make you think it is always your fault or someone elses fault for their abusive behavior and they never take the responsibility. They are full of empty promises and can talk out of both sides of their mouth at once.

It is still really hard for me to talk about what has happened. The denial and dissappointment are so great after all the sacrifices you make to get your loved one here. Often times you put up with a lot of ####### because you don't want to hear the "I told you so". You are willing to put blinders on and justify their actions because "you love them and they love you" There is a big difference in the person/idea you fell in love with and the actual abusive person you are now married too. A lot of times I have to remind myself that the abusive person isn't the person I love. I love the idea of what they were or the person they portrayed themselves to be. Anyways enough rambling...here is some good information I collected in all my searching.

It's a lot of information...sorry it's so long but hopefully it will be helpful to someone out there.

Jamie

Are you being victimized by an abuser? Learn the characteristics of an abuser and escape before the abuse starts.

1. Ridicules, Criticizes, and Condemns

Does your partner ridicule, criticize, and condemn you? Those who put others down to feel better about themselves often resort to other bad behavior to feel better about themselves too. Don’t allow anyone to condemn you, ridicule your choices, or criticize who you choose to be. Walk away.

2. Anger Management Difficulties

Does your partner have a short fuse? Does your partner anger easily? Those who anger easily, unable to reason through issues and difficulties often resort to abuse to get what they want. If he kicks the door down, how long will it be until he’s kicking you?

3. Self-Centered Attitude

Everything in his life is more important than you. He makes sure you know that you really don’t count for much, he isn’t really interested in you, doesn’t even like you very much, but he tolerates you in his life? For what? He chooses anything else over you, and makes certain you know he doesn’t value you.

4. Demanding and Possessive

Your partner doesn’t like your friends and family, and makes every effort to condemn them every chance he gets. He ridicules your family and friends, condemning and criticizing them, using derogatory terms to describe them and you. He’s disrespectful of your time and interests.

5. Controlling

Your partner must know where you are and have access to you at all times, often following you to work, calling you at work and accusing you of having an affair, flirting, or doing things behind his back. He wants to know everything you do, while keeping secrets about his own activities.

6. Immature and Childish

No matter what you do, he doesn’t believe you really love him unless you buy him the toys he wants, keep him satisfied, and makes you think it’s your fault his life isn’t perfect. He blames you and lives by a double standard, expecting you to keep ‘rules’ that he doesn’t follow himself.

7. Irresponsible

Your partner isn’t responsible, uses you, doesn’t take responsibility for himself. He isn’t dependable, may not have a job or keep a job, and nothing is ever his fault. He blames everyone else for his failures. He often blames you for his own emotional reactions and bad behaviors.

Source

[MHandMB 0]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope that things begin to look up for you soon, and that the healing is underway.

[Yaads 0]

Again sorry its so long...but it is such good information. I edited out some parts but the majority is still there.

Also someone brought up a great point. Just because it hasn't reached a physical stage yet doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Emotional and Mental abuse can be just as harmful and damaging as physical abuse. Just because it doesn't leave any visual reminders doesn't mean it isn't abuse and it isn't any better than physical abuse just because there isn't any physical evidence.

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

~ Controls finances, so you have to ask for money

~ Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

~ Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful

~Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what you wear

~ Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions

~ Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

~ Scares you by driving recklessly

~ Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

~ Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon

~ Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will

~ Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

~ Prevents you from going to work or school

~ Stops you from seeing family members and friends

~ Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets

~ Destroys your property

~ Controls your access to medicines

~ Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

~ Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it

~ Tries to force you to drop charges

~ Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

~Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

~ Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.

~Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

~ Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

~ Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

~ Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.

~ Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

~ Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

~ Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

~ Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

~ Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

~ Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to.

Consider taking these precautions:

~ Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

~ Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

~ Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

~ Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

~ If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency.

If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

~ National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

~ Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

~ Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

~ Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.

~ Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

~ Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

Source

[caybee 21]

There does seem to be a lot of info on the internet about signs of an abusive realationship. I am going to try and maybe someone will find it before me - information about signs to look for before you get involved. maybe especially realted to long distance relationships?

One that jumps out at me with long-distance relationships is that an abuser might demand (overtly or passively) that the partner stop doing the things he/she enjoys, stop going out with friends or family. The abuser might ask the partner to wait online at a particular time, and then consistently not show up for a while, thus eating up any time the partner might have spent with friends or family, which leads to isolation and dependence on the long-distance SO. If one partner is giving up hobbies, exercise, healthy eating, friendships, time with family because of a chatting schedule, and the other partner does not seem concerned, or even encourages this, that is cause for concern. And it might not come across as jealousy but instead as neediness or a tormenting love which, of course, becomes the partner's responsibility. Demanding a sacrifice of time which leads to isolation and an unhealthy lifestyle is a red flag to me.

Another would be picking fights knowing that the partner is very tired (past their normal bedtime) or under a great deal of stress, and then cutting contact (very easy to do long-distance), and possibly staying incommunicado for a few days without an excuse or apology. Some "mountain out of a molehill" arguments do happen just because of time differences and the stress of the process, and I think that's very normal, but if one partner consistently picks fights when the other is vulnerable, and especially if they disappear for a while afterward, I would be concerned. It's important to know how to disagree, even argue, fairly and respectfully. That can be learned. I'm still learning.

Just my two cents. Good thread.

[*JG* 2]

I wish someone would post this in a general discussion spot or something. I happened upon it; but don't usually hang out here. From experience, I can tell you men from any nationality are not exempt from this. I have had some issues with American and Jamaican men. I think EVERYONE on here needs to read this just to be informed.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

I just skimmed through all the posts and didnt see anything on abusive women. My ex-wife was terible.

The characteristics of women (or men) who are abusive fall into three categories.

Alcohol Abuse. Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

Psychological Disorders. There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.

Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm