Is he ready for marriage?

[soch 2]

Has he ever had a chance to spend time in the US? Does he know what is awaiting him or do you think he's just scared of the "unknown"?

Are you very young? Sounds like he was never away from his family/mother, and that's certainly a big deal for him.

I understand that it's hard to leave everything for a new, unfamiliar place etc., but I think you are right, he needs to be certain that he at least wants to try making a new life in the US. I think everybody moving here at some point has doubts about whether this was a good decision and will work out, but eventually we all had to make a decision and give it a try! Sounds like he isn't at that point yet.

He has been in the US. But you are soooo right! He moved from his moms home 2 years ago but lives 2 hours away therefore visits very often.

He is 32... I am 34. He is afraid of the "unknown."

[soch 2]

soch,

Couple of questions about him.

• Is he working right now?
  
• Good job or so-so job?
  

He is working in Germany right now. Good job... something like accounts receivable, property management.

I have also put him in contact with a friend where I live who does the same works as he and owns his own company. He told him he would help him in the US once he arrives... to do the same thing he was going in Germany.

[sara535 15]

I think you need to try not to take his doubts personally. He is coming here for YOU, not necessarily to start a new life in US. Meaning, if you werent in his life he probably wouldnt be even considering this.. So take that for the huge commitment that it is and give him some room to feel uncertain and doubtful and yes, scared. I cant help but think that if the shoe was on the other foot you would feel the same way. I know it helped me a lot in the first couple of years with my husband to try to put myself in his place and wonder how I would handle giving up MY entire life and moving across the world for another person......

[SteveLaura 0]

It's possible he's being pulled in two different directions. His parents may not see the urgency of moving this year, when you could wait another month and allow them to have him stay for Xmas. He may want or need that too - a final, safe, comforting and 'known' experience before the uncertainty that lies beyond. But he also wants to be with you.

As one that gave up my life in the UK to come here (two years ago to the day, actually!), I would say give him time and space. It may be better for his adjustment to have that family time and start afresh in the New Year. It may help with future family relationships if they see you as understanding their needs, rather than foster a feeling that you 'stole' him prematurely.

[Otto 83]

It's possible he's being pulled in two different directions. His parents may not see the urgency of moving this year, when you could wait another month and allow them to have him stay for Xmas. He may want or need that too - a final, safe, comforting and 'known' experience before the uncertainty that lies beyond. But he also wants to be with you.

As one that gave up my life in the UK to come here (two years ago to the day, actually!), I would say give him time and space. It may be better for his adjustment to have that family time and start afresh in the New Year. It may help with future family relationships if they see you as understanding their needs, rather than foster a feeling that you 'stole' him prematurely.

I'd certainly agree with this... Christmas is a family event (even a cultural one) in Germany - not that it's not here in the US, it's just different.

It would go a LONG way with everyone, to move in the new year. Even better would be for you to spend it with them - I spent all of December and into January with Karin and her family (OK, mostly with Karin) in Wuppertal...it went a long way to ease feelings with everyone in the family - even, in many ways, made me more a part of the family. (I know it is hard to justify being gone that long in the short term, but in the long term you would be glad you did it.. yes, it means taking all your vacation, maybe a leave of absence, or even quitting your job, but it's just a job, not your life... That's what I told myself...and I am glad beyond description that I did it.)

Who knows, you might want to stay - I know I do and we will one day soon...

[soch 2]

It's possible he's being pulled in two different directions. His parents may not see the urgency of moving this year, when you could wait another month and allow them to have him stay for Xmas. He may want or need that too - a final, safe, comforting and 'known' experience before the uncertainty that lies beyond. But he also wants to be with you.

As one that gave up my life in the UK to come here (two years ago to the day, actually!), I would say give him time and space. It may be better for his adjustment to have that family time and start afresh in the New Year. It may help with future family relationships if they see you as understanding their needs, rather than foster a feeling that you 'stole' him prematurely.

I'd certainly agree with this... Christmas is a family event (even a cultural one) in Germany - not that it's not here in the US, it's just different.

It would go a LONG way with everyone, to move in the new year. Even better would be for you to spend it with them - I spent all of December and into January with Karin and her family (OK, mostly with Karin) in Wuppertal...it went a long way to ease feelings with everyone in the family - even, in many ways, made me more a part of the family. (I know it is hard to justify being gone that long in the short term, but in the long term you would be glad you did it.. yes, it means taking all your vacation, maybe a leave of absence, or even quitting your job, but it's just a job, not your life... That's what I told myself...and I am glad beyond description that I did it.)

Who knows, you might want to stay - I know I do and we will one day soon...

Thanks for your advice. And you are both right. However, because of the tense situation between his mom and I... well I will not be able to spend Christams with him. Its a long story but her trip to the US was very painful.

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

I think you might want to give him some space first of all. Second, that november wedding date might be scaring him a little, on top of moving to a new place. I would just let him know you understand and give as much time as needed. This isnt something you want to rush. When he is ready he will come around. Good luck.

[thetreble 19]

You might not be able to spend christmas with him THIS year, but think of all the other years you will get to spend your holidays together once he moves. I think you are making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. My boyfriend and I spent almost every holiday apart while we were not together here in the US. You get used to it because it is just a fact of life and he loves his family too much to not be with them for holidays. I'm okay with that.

Reservations and flip-flopping are pretty normal reactions to something like this. You know how many times since I have been in the US I have wondered if I made the right decision leaving my home, my friends and my family? There are times I break down because it almost seems surreal. That is a part of this process. It is long, emotional and always up-down-up-down. You really do need to talk to him, like everyone else said, about HIS feelings and why he feels a certain way. Remember, in any good relationship, you've gotta give as much as you take. Compromises will go a long way.

[Fandango 1,439]

However, because of the tense situation between his mom and I... well I will not be able to spend Christams with him. Its a long story but her trip to the US was very painful.

Someone has to be the bigger person or the cycle of bs between the two of you will continue. Why not just attempt to start over with her? She is his mother, after all.

I would hope that for my sake, if D had any tense issues with my family...or vice versa....that he would be the bigger person for my sake. Think of your fiance and how happy it would make him if you extended an olive branch to his mother. and if it doesn't work out...well she's like what? 7k miles away?

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

Soch,

Why don't you think of the situation from his perspective (minus the mother in law factor.) What would you be thinking if you were in your fiance's shoes? Would you not have doubts about loving the new country, would you not be wondering how adjusting to life in a new family, new surrounding would be? I believe his worries are normal. If he didnt think about this stuff, I'd say he's not being realistic of what may happen. You are the one staying at home in your comfort zone, you know your area, your friends are here, you have a job, little will change. His world will be thrown upside down. Nothing will be the same, everything new.

I imagine his mom is the one putting these thoughts in his head, its your job to re-assure him that everything will be ok, and that you'll be flexible in your future to accomodate the BOTH of you. His mom is also probably aging and thinking if he takes off to the US who will take care of her in Germany.

I don't know what hurtful situation she caused you on the last visit, but perhaps a trip to see his family for Christmas would be a good time to "start fresh."

Think about your fiance more, and try a little less about yourself. You sound like "move here or else its over" and want to cut your losses short.

[Fandango 1,439]

Off topic!: Nanusia...I think I asked you this before, but not sure if you saw it....could you please break up your siggy with a few spaces in between the two graphics? It's skewering all your posts.

On topic: I do agree with your post completely.

Thanks!

[Queen Jenn 0]

I think that a lot of people on here, maybe the USC included have times when they have doubts or fears about their relationship. Marriage is a HUGE deal and marrying someone from a different country and culture brings more, well, differences into the relationship. Not to mention that you love this person and don't get to spend the kind of time with them that you would like to.

Now, you are in a situation where living in the US or living in GERMANY are both reasonable options. But that decision does not need to be addressed today. For me, living in Nigeria IS NOT an option. But my SO knows that and he doesn't want to raise kids there, either. Just remember that your SO is making a HUGE leap to come to the US to be with you. Sometime in the future, you may decide to make a huge leap and go to Germany. Right now, just focus on the fact that he wants to be with you and is making a great sacrifice (leaving his family, his country and all he is used to) to BE WITH YOU.

As far as the mother-in-law, trying to get a fresh start is not a bad idea. However, some people just don't ever accept the person their child marries (my grandma is one of them-she hates my dad, my uncle and my two aunts). But trying a little harder never hurts.

GOOD LUCK.

[T.O_2_FL 0]

Open communication is important in any relationship and I think this is where that will be tested.

He needs to realize that since you will be making the move to the U.S. that you are leaving pretty much 'everything' behind to be with him. There will be times that he needs to reassure you even after you move to the U.S.

Are you making the right decision? Honestly, who knows...half the time we learn to deal with the hand we've been dealt.

I have gone through many a times what you are going through with all the uncertainty. I think the thing to keep in mind is that you will be together. Isn't that the ultimate and goal of this union/Visa?

All will work out.....much luck and support to you!

[soch 2]

I have open communication... but i think i am the only one doing the communicating so that does not work.

Regarding Nanusia's comments... I am not thinking about myself.. if i was I would not have asked for help on VJ.. and considering letting him go.. read original post.

and I have tried with his mom... In July I went to visit Germany with my sister and Niece and his mother said she did not want to see my face because it was too soon since what had happened in the US on her visit... Silly me, I understood she didnt want to see my face as saying she did not want me staying in her home... So I suggested we meet with her for coffee and she could meet my family but she said NO to his too.

THerefore, it might be too soon to spend Christmas with her.. know what i mean?

[Queen Jenn 0]

I have open communication... but i think i am the only one doing the communicating so that does not work.

Regarding Nanusia's comments... I am not thinking about myself.. if i was I would not have asked for help on VJ.. and considering letting him go.. read original post.

and I have tried with his mom... In July I went to visit Germany with my sister and Niece and his mother said she did not want to see my face because it was too soon since what had happened in the US on her visit... Silly me, I understood she didnt want to see my face as saying she did not want me staying in her home... So I suggested we meet with her for coffee and she could meet my family but she said NO to his too.

THerefore, it might be too soon to spend Christmas with her.. know what i mean?

Yup, ok now I know what you mean. If she wouldn't even meet with you for coffee, then Christmas is probably too much too soon. I hope your SO understands that. If you have to be apart for Christmas this year, just try to be positive about it. You'll have next year, and the next and the next . . . It is disappointing for sure, but not the end of the world.

GOOD LUCK!!!