Is he ready for marriage?

[soch 2]

Hi Friends

I come to you because we are all going through the same process and I wondered if any of you have ever been scared.

I love my fiance (obviously) and I have never felt this happy to be with someone ever! I am 100% sure I want to be with him forever but I am not entirely sure if this is what he wants. He says he does, he says he loves me...etc BUT... he goes back and forth on things (decisions) and that scares me. For example we had always had conversations of him being the one who moved (to USA) and back in March (on one of his visits with his mom) he admits to me that he was going to try to convince me to be the one to move. I was shocked because we had weighed our options and decided he would move therefore I was a bit confused. Well, because of this (and my thoughts of perhaps he was not entirely ready since he wanted to "convince" me) I postponed sending the visa papers. Well, he convinced me he was ready and I believed him and on his visit in May we sent the papers in. Since then we have had conversations of a him being in USA in Novermber (fingers crossed) and we would spend our first Christmas together. Without his family or mine. Well, today he tells me he wants to stay in Germany to spend a traditional Christmas with his family. I was shocked and confused and hurt because we already had this conversation and basically his thoughts say to me he is not ready to commit to this move to the US. I tell him if he plans of spending Christmas without me and he says I should go to Germany... I told him I dont have much vacation from work, I can not spend Christmas at his moms (she is not a big fan of me since I am the reason he is moving) and we had already decided on our plans.

He also asked me today how we would raise our kids the German way or American (mostly he meant in America or in Germany). I once told him that we did not know what could happen in the future but we might perhaps one day move to Germany (i like the quality of life there) but for now it is best we have no family involved in our business as newlyweds (ie my furture mother in law). He also told me today his dad asked him if he we should have a pre-nuptual agreement. I am thinking first you are having thoughts of moving back to Germany without even landing in America and Second are we already thinking of devorce and division of assets.

Basically, I wonered if any of my vj friends have had the same issue... who moves and when? Seems to me like everyone here cant wait to be reunited with their fiancee and I wonered if I was waiting alone. I wonder if he is in denial about wanting to move to the US. Germany seems like an awesome place to live and I wonder if I am enough for him to change his entire life for, since he keeps going back on his word. I know he is scared about all the new changes in his life and i understand this.

You might be thinking I should talk to him directly and I have but his answer is to change his mind again and go back to the initial plan.

I just dont want someone to move to America who is not 100% sure. I do believe that sometimes loving someone means having to let them go

Sorry this is so long and please if you have had the same fears please share.

soch

[JoeMama 0]

Your story is not the first one I've read on VJ with similiar circumstances. One thing I seem to notice in most of them, the future mother-in-law mentioned quite frequently. We don't know his side of the story. And I don't know if this applies to him. But most "mama's boys" find it quite difficult to move to another country. Since his mother isn't a fan of yours, I see mothers like this who do not want to lose control of the hold they've have over their son(s). Very sad if you ask me. Odds are he probably wants to be with you here. That's what's causing him to flip-flop on his decisions.

[soch 2]

Your story is not the first one I've read on VJ with similiar circumstances. One thing I seem to notice in most of them, the future mother-in-law mentioned quite frequently. We don't know his side of the story. And I don't know if this applies to him. But most "mama's boys" find it quite difficult to move to another country. Since his mother isn't a fan of yours, I see mothers like this who do not want to lose control of the hold they've have over their son(s). Very sad if you ask me. Odds are he probably wants to be with you here. That's what's causing him to flip-flop on his decisions.

Yes, his mom does control.... and I feel everytime he visits her home he comes back to me with a different story and flip flops on his decision. All of this hurts me because it make me doubt him even though he swears he wants to be with me.

Well, I am glad my story is not the first on vj... hope they had happy endings.

Thanks for your response. All the Best!

[raymaga 25]

I have lived in the U.S. with my husband for 3 years now, and some days I still have doubts about whether I made the right decision. The reason is that I miss my two adult sons and all my friends back in Canada, and I miss getting together with them so much.

I love my husband dearly, and now my daughter is here living with us, but I still miss my sons so much. Every Christmas and their birthdays are just not the same now that they either have to travel down to our home or we have to go up to theirs. I liked it when we all lived in the same area and it was simple to get together for family celebrations.

I have a very good life here in the U.S. with my husband, and am very thankful for that, but I do still sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I had stayed in Canada.

So, I do understand the uncertainty that you describe your fiance is feeling. I'm sure he loves you and wants to be with you, but he also realizes what he will have to give up to do that.

Try to be patient with him, and once he gets to the U.S., starts a new job, makes some new friends and you perhaps start a family of your own, I'm sure he will settle in nicely.

Good luck.

[Fandango 1,439]

I think anyone who has or is gone/going through this has to experience a few bouts of fear....for one reason or another...and I don't think that has anything to do with how well you know/how much you love your partner....

Emigrating is such a big deal....in the instances of a true love, non-fraudulent relationship....someone's emigrating even though they REALLY don't want to. I think it's natural to have mixed emotion about that. It's everything they know...it's who they are....and I'd begin to wonder if the non-USC had NO moments of panic.

OP you need to figure out if you're just getting nervous or if your gut is really screaming at you here. Only you know what's what. While people can certainly relate to you, it's not a paint by numbers scenario where since it was good for Poster X, it'll be ok for you too. Try to figure out whether or not you're really worried about him flip flopping, or if you're upset by his personality....like if his mother is really overly controlling and he just gives her the reigns....or it's a normal situation where a mother is sad to see her son go, and he's sad for having to leave her.

If he's close with his family...and it sounds like he is....I'd wonder if I were him why you keep stressing how being around 'no family' is a good thing. If he's tight with them...I think that would sound strange. I know if D gave that as a reason for me to move to him, I'd tell him to blow it out his backside.

I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your fiance. But I also think you need to really understand the severity of what he's doing to come here....if you get your visa in late Nov....what is the actual hardship of letting him have one more Christmas with his family in his homeland? You will have the rest of his life with him....

Good luck!

[soch 2]

I think anyone who has or is gone/going through this has to experience a few bouts of fear....for one reason or another...and I don't think that has anything to do with how well you know/how much you love your partner....

Emigrating is such a big deal....in the instances of a true love, non-fraudulent relationship....someone's emigrating even though they REALLY don't want to. I think it's natural to have mixed emotion about that. It's everything they know...it's who they are....and I'd begin to wonder if the non-USC had NO moments of panic.

OP you need to figure out if you're just getting nervous or if your gut is really screaming at you here. Only you know what's what. While people can certainly relate to you, it's not a paint by numbers scenario where since it was good for Poster X, it'll be ok for you too. Try to figure out whether or not you're really worried about him flip flopping, or if you're upset by his personality....like if his mother is really overly controlling and he just gives her the reigns....or it's a normal situation where a mother is sad to see her son go, and he's sad for having to leave her.

If he's close with his family...and it sounds like he is....I'd wonder if I were him why you keep stressing how being around 'no family' is a good thing. If he's tight with them...I think that would sound strange. I know if D gave that as a reason for me to move to him, I'd tell him to blow it out his backside.

I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your fiance. But I also think you need to really understand the severity of what he's doing to come here....if you get your visa in late Nov....what is the actual hardship of letting him have one more Christmas with his family in his homeland? You will have the rest of his life with him....

Good luck!

Thanks for your response.

My biggest concern is in him "changing his word." Its hard to get excited about planning a wedding this year (and you think your fiancee is on the same page) but then you find out he is not.

And not having family was NOT the only reason for him to come to me. I believe as newlyweds its best not to have family meddle. In the US i live 7 hours from my family and he wouls live about 8 hours from his.

[britbird 4]

Really you need to sit and talk it out.

I will say this though, a pre nuptual or post nuptual agreement is ALWAYS a good idea.

[Fandango 1,439]

Thanks for your response.

My biggest concern is in him "changing his word." Its hard to get excited about planning a wedding this year (and you think your fiancee is on the same page) but then you find out he is not.

And not having family was NOT the only reason for him to come to me. I believe as newlyweds its best not to have family meddle. In the US i live 7 hours from my family and he wouls live about 8 hours from his.

But don't you think that him having conflicting feelings is natural? Yes, in a perfect scenario...you love him, he loves you...but there is a downside too, because he needs to make an extreme sacrifice in order for you both to be together. All I'm saying is, don't discount that.

If you believe that it's best newlyweds to not have meddling family...that's great. But not everyone may share your beliefs. Others (like myself) feel that the whole point to a happy life is living it around the people you love. Neither one of us is 'wrong'...we just have different perspectives. The point is....how does your fiance feel??? If he believes like me...then when you say things like 'hey it'll be great, you'll be away from your fam' will be a '#######?' moment.

All I'm saying is the key to you knowing that everything is everything is to talk to your man....but from where I'm standing, I think you'll do yourself a favor to realize that this emigration stuff is a big deal...of course it's a scary, daunting task...imo, having conflicting emotions is natural.

Edited August 13, 2007 by LisaD

[nivesito 0]

Honestly, I can't wait to get out of Germany Everthying is "verboten" (vorbiden)

He can't force you to live there if you don’t want to and one is sure, he can choose. His parents don’t want him to live Germany but they are going to accept it sooner or later. Trust me, my weren’t happy when I decided to do my Master in Germany or when I told them I’m dating an American, because they knew I’m going to live even further. But now they adore John!! And their saying is: It is better for you to be 4000 km away and we know you are happy, then have you here and being forced to look at you every they unhappy.

Hopefully, he now what he wants.

[*JG* 2]

I'd say it is a very natural response. I question when someone who is making such a HUGE life-chaning decision such as leaving everything they know behind, doesn't freak out at least once. But, like others have said.....you need to sit and talk about it in depth.

[rika60607 215]

Yes,

Germany IS an awesome place to live. So why don't you :lol:

OK, but seriously, you could try living in both countries before you make your final choice. It is better to raise kids in Germany, at least their schools give high quality education. He may be going back and forth because he is "agreeable" type, but things you want him to agree on are rather big.

So may be you can have an "open" future plan, so you could start in US and then move to Germany as/if needed?

Germany seems like an awesome place to live...

[soch 2]

Thanks for your response.

My biggest concern is in him "changing his word." Its hard to get excited about planning a wedding this year (and you think your fiancee is on the same page) but then you find out he is not.

And not having family was NOT the only reason for him to come to me. I believe as newlyweds its best not to have family meddle. In the US i live 7 hours from my family and he wouls live about 8 hours from his.

But don't you think that him having conflicting feelings is natural? Yes, in a perfect scenario...you love him, he loves you...but there is a downside too, because he needs to make an extreme sacrifice in order for you both to be together. All I'm saying is, don't discount that.

If you believe that it's best newlyweds to not have meddling family...that's great. But not everyone may share your beliefs. Others (like myself) feel that the whole point to a happy life is living it around the people you love. Neither one of us is 'wrong'...we just have different perspectives. The point is....how does your fiance feel??? If he believes like me...then when you say things like 'hey it'll be great, you'll be away from your fam' will be a '#######?' moment.

All I'm saying is the key to you knowing that everything is everything is to talk to your man....but from where I'm standing, I think you'll do yourself a favor to realize that this emigration stuff is a big deal...of course it's a scary, daunting task...imo, having conflicting emotions is natural.

Of course I know his moving is a big deal. I totally understand that since my family moved far away and that was really really hard on me.

I have been understanding of this. However his constant change of plans hurts me and make me doubt him beign ready for the move.

[Fandango 1,439]

Of course I know his moving is a big deal. I totally understand that since my family moved far away and that was really really hard on me.

I have been understanding of this. However his constant change of plans hurts me and make me doubt him beign ready for the move.

I say this in the nicest way possible...but I think you making this about you is a little selfish.

TALK TO HIM....ask him WHY he's having reservations. You might be suprised that they have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the life-changing move he's about to make. You need to support & encourage him....and UNDERSTAND...

Starting a thread on a messageboard of strangers seems pretty to me when you're asking everyone here to speculate on whether he's ready for marriage. We don't even know him!

You need to have a heart to heart with him and invite him to speak freely without making his conflict be a slight to you. Put your pride aside and listen with your heart. You might be suprised at what you hear.

Good luck!

[Mrs.J06 4]

Has he ever had a chance to spend time in the US? Does he know what is awaiting him or do you think he's just scared of the "unknown"?

Are you very young? Sounds like he was never away from his family/mother, and that's certainly a big deal for him.

I understand that it's hard to leave everything for a new, unfamiliar place etc., but I think you are right, he needs to be certain that he at least wants to try making a new life in the US. I think everybody moving here at some point has doubts about whether this was a good decision and will work out, but eventually we all had to make a decision and give it a try! Sounds like he isn't at that point yet.

[Otto 83]

soch,

Couple of questions about him.

• Is he working right now?
  
• Good job or so-so job?