Family/Friends unsupportive

[EmilyW 1,430]

Immigration IS a sticky topic in the US, due to the conflation of illegal and legal immigration, the former casting doubts on the validity of latter.  It's unfortunate and both sides are using immigration as a weapon.

 

OP, here is my advice.  People fear the unknown.  All people of all persuasions: it's hardwired into us as humans.   I am a brown female of (mostly) Asian heritage.  My first marriage, I married a white man from England and the first thing his apparently very educated family said, when they found out I was brown, was 'Couldn't you have married a nice AUSTRALIAN girl'.  Meaning white.  Lolz.  'Whatever will the children look like'.  'They'll probably lick their knives at dinner', I said to my then fiance. 

 

Over time, once they realized we were the same in the areas that counted (family values, religion, parenting, education), the barriers literally came down overnight.  They have since said how ashamed they are of their treatment of me at first.  They have apologized, and they love our little mixed race children ferociously.  And, while - like you - I was super hurt at the time, I came to accept that their attitude didn't come from malevolence.  It came from ignorance.  And time was all it took to educate them.

 

Live your life.  Love your love with all your heart.  At the end of the day, what you two have will shine through.  

Edited October 16 by EmilyW

[appleblossom 2,424]

8 hours ago, SL2024 said:

Are you saying you would go back to the UK?

 

Not necessarily, but that is an option. As I said above, I just don't think I could live in a country that made me feel so unwelcome. Talk of immigrants tainting 'the blood' of America, calling them 'vermin', rounding them up to 'get them out', and now even saying that the 'enemy from within' needs to be removed, if enough people vote for somebody that talks like that then that would worry me. My first degree was in History, my thesis was on Mein Kampf and this is completely echoing that. I just can't understand how anybody could think that's ok.

 

Trump is saying that the US is now an 'occupied country', it's always been a country built on migration but unlike him I don't think that's a bad thing. Despite living in a supposedly tolerant area, being white, and having a green card, that's not a rhetoric I want to stick around for. 

 

As @Bunninuts said, the current political climate isn't great for anybody migrating here at the moment. So I'll take my tax dollars and skills (which would be needed less under Donald Trump anyway - I work in energy so another reason to leave!), and go elsewhere. 

 

I really feel for the OP, it's such a tough time at the moment for anybody remotely different, particularly in certain states. I just hope their relatives stop being swayed by the anti-immigrant talk, and hope that most of the American people don't share that view. 

[Bunninuts 27]

@appleblossom Thank you for seeing what I am experiencing. I wish it weren't political but my family member literally echoed the need to get the legal migrants out of here too. It won't matter how warm my fiance will be, he won't be seen as anything further than an immigrant ruining this nation to that family member.

 

@EmilyW Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry you experienced that and am glad there has been a positive outcome. I kind of hope your kids do lick their knife, carefully

 

This has been impactful because I have limited family. The friend can be replaced easily. I'm a strong believer that not everyone deserves a place at your table. The family member though, it's hard to radically accept that this is how this will be. We all have dreams and desires for how we hope life goes. This was not part of my dreams. Knowing that others have dealt with similar, or in some cases worse, at minimum lets me know that I'm not alone. My advice to anyone considering dating outside of your country, know it is very difficult for so many reasons.

[KMG 125]

10 hours ago, Theersink said:

Just for the record, all of my family are Republican and all have supported my decision except for my Dad's "girlfriend" she was just racist against any filipino period. My dad dropped her like a bad habit when she expressed as much, she was a left-center Democrat. Please do not generalize whole groups and this is not the place for political generalizations. You will find those types in all walks of life and all social and economic classes regardless of political affiliation. All you can do is be happy, those that want to share it without hatred or bias welcome them, those that don't do not waste time or energy on them. Life is too short.

I agree, and thank you for saying this. There is no place for political generalizations in this forum.  Tacky.  My husband comes from a country that is drastically misunderstood, and both my Republican and Democratic family/friends support us. We are blessed with that.

Edited October 16 by KMG

[KMG 125]

17 hours ago, Bunninuts said:

Most of my family and friends have been very supportive however one important family member and one friend have not been. The politically climate in the US is sticky with judgement around anyone migrating here.

 

Have you dealt with this? Recommendations? I never imagined I would experience this around something that is meant to bring family and friends together. Having finally found a person I want to spend my life with, I wanted to share that joy with people closest to me. It's a heartbreaking experience. I haven't told my fiance yet. Has anyone had to have that talk?

 

Thanks for any support you can offer 💜

My husband is from Honduras, and although I do not have the same experience as you with family/friends, I feel it has a lot to do with how Central America is drastically misunderstood.   Focus on the family and friends who support you, and may you find peace.  You are doing what is best for YOU!

[KMG 125]

9 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Thanks to all for minimizing political talk in this thread.

---

To the OP:  There will always be a small segment of people (related to us or not) who will consider anyone from Panama, Ecuador, or wherever to be a "stupid Mexican" or an "illegal" or whatever.  Simply ignore it, from all quarters.

 

If a stranger or slight acquaintance says something, blow it off.  Why should we value the opinion of someone whose advice we would never ask for?

 

If it's an "important" relative, give him/her time, and let your beneficiary win him/her over by means of friendly, smiling, gracious behavior.  Try to have that relative outnumbered in the company of supportive relatives, especially at first.

 

If it's a supposed friend, try the same as just above; if this isn't successful, re-evaluate whether this person is a genuine friend, and act accordingly.

 

If anyone openly says anything prejudiced or rude, get in their face and let them have it, verbally -- even if (and especially!) in public.  That should shut them up and make it clear exactly how wrong they are.  Hopefully, this won't be necessary, but bullies will always back down when we stand up to them.

 

I don't think that the relative and friend are necessarily part of a political environment.  Rather, I think that people react as individuals in negative or dismissive ways when they fear the unknown, whether it's an unknown situation or a person whom they haven't met.  Legal immigration, as we here know, is a process unfamiliar to probably 99.44% of non-VJ people.  When you let your reluctant people see that your newcomer isn't a threat and you educate them to the process bit by bit, I think that they'll come around.  Mentally formulate a couple of avenues and approaches in advance, tip off your beneficiary as to people's possible ranges of reaction, and you'll be prepared.  I have a feeling that all will turn out fine for you.

So true...excellent words!

[appleblossom 2,424]

12 minutes ago, Bunninuts said:

@appleblossom Thank you for seeing what I am experiencing. I wish it weren't political but my family member literally echoed the need to get the legal migrants out of here too. It won't matter how warm my fiance will be, he won't be seen as anything further than an immigrant ruining this nation to that family member.

 

 

Ugh, so awful. I'm so sorry that you have somebody in your family like that, but perhaps your fiancé will be the person to turn that view around - I really hope so. 

 

Let's hope that in November people can come together no matter what side of the political spectrum they're on, and all of this will start to ebb away. 

[DBiddle 19]

The Trump bashing comments are disappointing to see on this forum.  I come here for objective information about LEGAL immigration, and don’t really care to see political opinions, regardless of what they are.

[yuna628 9,667]

1 hour ago, Bunninuts said:

@appleblossom Thank you for seeing what I am experiencing. I wish it weren't political but my family member literally echoed the need to get the legal migrants out of here too. It won't matter how warm my fiance will be, he won't be seen as anything further than an immigrant ruining this nation to that family member.

 

@EmilyW Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry you experienced that and am glad there has been a positive outcome. I kind of hope your kids do lick their knife, carefully

 

This has been impactful because I have limited family. The friend can be replaced easily. I'm a strong believer that not everyone deserves a place at your table. The family member though, it's hard to radically accept that this is how this will be. We all have dreams and desires for how we hope life goes. This was not part of my dreams. Knowing that others have dealt with similar, or in some cases worse, at minimum lets me know that I'm not alone. My advice to anyone considering dating outside of your country, know it is very difficult for so many reasons.

It's difficult. All I can say is if those individuals feel that way about an immigrant, including legal immigrants and those that are in your life, are they as a person that important to you? And yes, that can be a hard thing to think about depending on what sort of relative they are, but if they are not the sort of person you thought they were, there will be little you can do to change their mindset. So the choice becomes how close do you want to allow negativity and hurt in your life? And yes it's difficult when choosing someone outside your own country for so many reasons. My husband looks and speaks language the same as any other American, and yet as an immigrant he had difficulties just because his accent was different than the typical British person that Americans think of. After a while though it pained him when he'd hear negative talk about immigrants, when those people didn't realize he was an immigrant and expected him to join in, or worse, knew he was an immigrant but felt he was somehow 'different' because of being English speaking. At times even my relatives have made those same comments you are probably familiar with, even though they have accepted my husband as part of the family. And yes, it hurts badly.. but more so it's a deep disappointment, because those relatives come from immigrants and owe much to them! There are good people in this world though, never forget that. While we cannot choose our relatives we can choose who we associate with and even make new families in our own way. Maybe that relative will figure it out someday and maybe they won't, but we can move forward in limiting the time spent around them and setting strong boundaries as to what is acceptable in your space.

[Nous Eb 122]

21 hours ago, appleblossom said:

You’ve only just arrived. Give it time! I’ve been speaking to people with no worries for the past 18 months, it’s only recently that the anti-immigrant hate stirred up by Trump has become evident here. And no, not just illegal immigrants. He’s made it very clear that his intention is to get rid of legal migrants too. 
 

I’m not paying any attention to the media, I don’t watch the news here as it’s all so horribly one sided. I’m paying attention to his own words which are sounding more and more Hitler-esque by the day. 
 

But all I can do is wait and see what happens in 3 weeks. I won’t be staying if he does get in, I’d feel even less safe/secure then and won’t stay where I’m not wanted. 

 

Wow. Just wow. I won't get too much into politics either but this is just absolute BS. As a legal immigrant you should NOT AT ALL feel unwelcome. In fact, Trump marries legal immigrants before he deports them. I really wonder if you hear his own words in context. I am more afraid communists will take over in 3 weeks, then we're all hosed.

 

At the OP: you can't make everyone happy. People who live in Europe have a complete different view of the USA than what is actual reality. The media in The Netherlands was just as biased as it is here but the lack of real Americans there to balance the BS made some of my 'friends' make certain comments as well. I am very into American politics since forever so I was able to explain why their view was uninformed. Some changed their minds, others didn't. But I am not moving here for anyone else, I moved here to be with my husband and to have much better opportunities here. I don't care about anyone's opinion on the matter. I have plenty of opinions on their life choices and I am not voicing those either. You should think about YOUR life first. And if you want to move here, no one should stop you with their political views. 

9 hours ago, DBiddle said:

The Trump bashing comments are disappointing to see on this forum.  I come here for objective information about LEGAL immigration, and don’t really care to see political opinions, regardless of what they are.

 

I agree, I am baffled at how uninformed people seem to be.

Edited October 17 by TBoneTX
abbreviated profanity edited

[Nous Eb 122]

3 hours ago, appleblossom said:

 

Not necessarily, but that is an option. As I said above, I just don't think I could live in a country that made me feel so unwelcome. Talk of immigrants tainting 'the blood' of America, calling them 'vermin', rounding them up to 'get them out', and now even saying that the 'enemy from within' needs to be removed, if enough people vote for somebody that talks like that then that would worry me. My first degree was in History, my thesis was on Mein Kampf and this is completely echoing that. I just can't understand how anybody could think that's ok.

 

Trump is saying that the US is now an 'occupied country', it's always been a country built on migration but unlike him I don't think that's a bad thing. Despite living in a supposedly tolerant area, being white, and having a green card, that's not a rhetoric I want to stick around for. 

 

As @Bunninuts said, the current political climate isn't great for anybody migrating here at the moment. So I'll take my tax dollars and skills (which would be needed less under Donald Trump anyway - I work in energy so another reason to leave!), and go elsewhere. 

 

I really feel for the OP, it's such a tough time at the moment for anybody remotely different, particularly in certain states. I just hope their relatives stop being swayed by the anti-immigrant talk, and hope that most of the American people don't share that view. 

 

Sorry but you really need to educate yourself more on this topic, your comparison with Hitler is not only ridiculous for so many reasons but also very dangerous. I am disgusted by comments like this and I am actually baffled that these types of comments are allowed on this forum. 

[appleblossom 2,424]

2 minutes ago, Nous Eb said:

 

Wow. Just wow. I won't get too much into politics either but this is just absolute BS. As a legal immigrant you should NOT AT ALL feel unwelcome. In fact, Trump marries legal immigrants before he deports them. I really wonder if you hear his own words in context.

 

It's not BS, and I'd appreciate you not belittling my feelings like that. A year ago I had no issues at all being an immigrant in the US, but it's very different now. The whole culture towards migrants has changed IME, regardless of where we're from or how we got here.

 

His first term hugely restricted legal migration. And he's recently said he'll do the same again, it is not just illegals he's targeting. So even with a green card, I wouldn't feel my status is secure here. 

[Nous Eb 122]

4 minutes ago, appleblossom said:

 

It's not BS, and I'd appreciate you not belittling my feelings like that. A year ago I had no issues at all being an immigrant in the US, but it's very different now. The whole culture towards migrants has changed IME, regardless of where we're from or how we got here.

 

His first term hugely restricted legal migration. And he's recently said he'll do the same again, it is not just illegals he's targeting. So even with a green card, I wouldn't feel my status is secure here. 

 

Better start packing then. I am in a VERY RED Trump-supporting area and people are amazing and very nice. You are in a VERY BLUE city with an Asian, immigrant mayor and you feel unwelcome. Maybe it's the wrong side you're attacking. just saying.

[appleblossom 2,424]

3 minutes ago, Nous Eb said:

 

Better start packing then. I am in a VERY RED Trump-supporting area and people are amazing and very nice. You are in a VERY BLUE city with an Asian, immigrant mayor and you feel unwelcome. Maybe it's the wrong side you're attacking. just saying.

 

I've not actually had any experiences like that in Boston, people here are thankfully much more welcoming. But I work elsewhere, all over the country including in Trump supporting areas, and that's where I've mainly seen it. Most recently I was told to '**** off back to where I came from' in Oklahoma City after somebody asked me for directions and I told them I had no idea as I was from England. Gosh, I wonder why I feel unwelcome?? 😂

[Nous Eb 122]

3 minutes ago, appleblossom said:

 

I've not actually had any experiences like that in Boston, people here are thankfully much more welcoming. But I work elsewhere, all over the country including in Trump supporting areas, and that's where I've mainly seen it. Most recently I was told to '**** off back to where I came from' in Oklahoma City after somebody asked me for directions and I told them I had no idea as I was from England. Gosh, I wonder why I feel unwelcome?? 😂

 

You assume their political view based on 'F off'? You have no a-holes in England like that? I know you do, I have met some who act just like that when I visited England. Yet my memory of the British is that they are lovely people and very polite. We have a bunch of those a-holes in The Netherlands as well. But just because you had your feelings hurt once or twice (that's life) doesn't mean you can generalize the majority of the American public. Trump's support in the USA is huge, so are you having issues with at least 1 out of 2 people here then? If not, you are generalizing. The only time I felt unwelcome here in the States was when one of my new neighbors thought she had to warn me in a private message about the area I moved to and that the people were scary, kinda like the same rhetoric you are now using. Little did she know she was insulting me and my husband personally. She knew a few minutes later though. I think she thought she might finally have a leftist neighbor. Oh the disappointment!

So I am not even a native English speaker and I have zero issues in Trump land here. Maybe it's your own attitude?