Relationship is very strained, don't know what to do

[carmel34 3,621]

6 hours ago, antalia said:

Come to think of it, the reason we can't work from home in a studio was that we both ideally are on phone calls throughout the day.

Hopefully he's not working illegally before getting work authorization.  Sounds like the AOS interview may be a difficult one if you get that far in the process and don't get a divorce.  Are you the sole financial sponsor, or do you have a joint sponsor?  If you have a joint sponsor, they are obligated to help you financially.  From the sounds of it, your income alone is not enough.  This post and thread is another very good example why a spousal visa is a so much better path.  I can't imagine what my husband would have done if we had chosen the K-1 route, not being able to work or drive for so many months.  I hope you can figure out how to best navigate your challenges, and move forward in a positive way, whatever you choose to do. 

[yuna628 9,671]

6 hours ago, antalia said:

So, today he says his health issue with itchy moles is flaring up again, that he's been on pain management (thc and nicotine) for a long time barely coping, and that I'm so blatantly oblivious to all that and care about my emotions only. When we don't fight, he doesn't look to be in pain, or speak about it, and the last time he brought it up I got really scared and said nothing will happen until we go check this, no matter how much it costs out of pocket. And he then said it's ok for now and let's focus on the docs and other more urgent things. My mistake was to let this go like this.

 

We talked today, and I heard that I initially presented myself as an expert on local customs, basically lured him in here saying that I'll help, while I needed help myself. The last straw was my "no" to "will you talk respectfully", and then also the way I ignore him being in strong physical pain these following days. I know, it's hard to believe we've known each other for years with this level of miscommunication, but we didn't get there in a day. Finally, he stated I'm not really interested in anything except my ego. So, I don't know what happens next. He has little savings left, and when I give him cash or cards he just refuses it. 

We went groceries shopping today, agreeing on the store, and midway through he said "oh it's the store where my card doesn't work", so he dropped the cart, said he's good, and when I offered to go to another store he said the card won't work there either, let's go home. His card does work in other stores, and he has cash, and we are married and we took turns paying, when he asked to do so, even though my card's clearly a safer choice because it's local... yeah. Now he went to sleep on the floor by the bed, fully clothed just laid down and that's that.

As for SSN, he insists that it would have been valid until visa expired only, and thus mostly useless to obtain before getting i-485 approved. However it would still let us get started on things like joint account, state ID, DL, if I am not mistaken?

Thank you everyone for your input, you guys helped me to get through this day.

 

He is incorrect. Either he is intentionally lying, delusional, or completely ignorant. An SSN doesn't expire. It is his for life. He just cannot use the number to work until authorized (the authorization is the EAD or the green card). The SSN must be updated several times during the immigration process, but the number never changes or expires. I don't normally suggest going into the SSN and asking them questions as the employees aren't always helpful, but if he suggested that to one they'd laugh him out of the building. All of this doesn't matter. Because you have waited too late to obtain the SSN from the beginning, it now cannot be obtained until the EAD arrives.

 

About jobs, I must stress to please don't think for one second that as soon as you have an EAD jobs will be so easy to obtain. From experience, my husband was extremely qualified in the IT field and even with that EAD no one wanted him. The problem to me is not only the market itself but that employers and some HR don't understand what an EAD is. They wanted to see a green card. The EAD only helped him with documentation for his DL not jobs. Experiences will vary of course. Once my husband had a green card he was hired nearly immediately, but by that time we were quite desperate. That did not mean he took a high qualifying job either. It was a part time, without benefits position, in low end IT work. Good people there saw the potential and qualifications and realized he did not belong in that role. I can only imagine what will happen when your spouse realizes not being able to achieve a job he believes he deserves or is forced to take a menial one.

 

Are there mental health issues going on here? Strange statements and laying on the floor seem odd to me.

 

What are you aware about the I864 obligations, in light of the potential breakdown of this relationship?

[Verrou 1,962]

what struck me when i read your post, i keep thinking, what do you really want? we can all give input, suggestion, but this is about relationship and feelings and not immigration stuff. all i hear mostly excuses from both of you. cant, cant cant but in fact it seems it's more WONT. if u wanna make things work, then do something, if u wanna give up, then just divorce. noone can tell u what to do. 

 

just want to add, IT job is not a piece of cake this past few years (i know because im married to managerial level IT guy)  by paper maybe it's easy for him to get one, that's by paper. even for US citizen it's hard to get that kind of job, many2 lay off, even full time job is not secured (again, i know because im married to one and it's a struggle), let alone foreigner who has no experience in the US. if u said if u walk to buy groceries it's gonna take 1 hour? seems not a big city to me.  that means less IT job in that area, and most IT job now is not remote. i mean i like ur optimism about he can get a job easily, but what if he cant? have u think about it ? how bout he cant get a job for 14 months ( happened to my husband back in 2020) or 6 months (happened to my husband in 2023/4 and he just got a job literally 3 months ago).  the company that he currently work said its a remote job, but in reality he told me he can't do work if he didnt come in person at least 2-3 days a week because need to access something at work (cant be done remotely). he's working in the capital of IT company and not in the middle of nowhere. he kept looking and IT job is not great at the moment. more layoff than hiring. and he's the USC not the immigrant. he always got a good paying job up until few years ago because again, lotsa of layoff. 

 

what im trying to say, do u have a back up plan if it happened to ur husband? ( cant find work even with the precious EAD). and i dont understand about need kitchen, dont want studio bla bla bla, at this moment, he has no job, he's not working, but why he has too many conditions right now, dont want this dont want that when he seems broke to me.  and u said he ran out of his saving, so dont know why he whined so much. ( maybe because i only hear ur side, and not his side). 

 

just being in love without $$$ will strained the relationship. people can say whatever they want, but if u are broke, love will dissapear because when you are hungry, u cant eat love. and the worst part is, seems the love is not there too. 

 

good luck

 

 

Edited September 3 by Verrou

[SJinCA 22]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'm sure you're already familiar with this, but keep in mind that Russian culture is very patriarchal. There is a strong social expectation that the man should be the breadwinner and provider in a relationship, much more so than in American culture. I'm sure being unable to fulfill that role and being financially reliant on you, even temporarily, is deeply emasculating to him, which, along with the stress of relocating to a foreign country and adjusting to a new way of life, is probably taking a toll on his mental health.

 

At the same time, from your description, he's responding to that stress in an unacceptable way. Don't think about it as a response to your own inadequacies; nobody is perfect, thinking about what you could have done differently will only cause you more anguish, and nobody deserves to be berated by their partner like that. I won't presume to tell you what decisions you should make about your relationship, though I think it's perfectly understandable if/that you're having second thoughts due to this kind of treatment. You deserve better than that, just because you are you. 

 

I echo what others have said in that you two need to work on your communication. Try to communicate from a place of self: it's not so much about what your partner is doing or saying, it's about how you feel. It's not, "you have unreasonable expectations," (though I don't disagree with that statement, based on what you've shared), it's "when you criticize me, it makes me feel like you don't see and appreciate my efforts and it makes me feel inadequate." "When you say/do X, it makes me feel Y because Z" is a great formula to follow. 

 

Some practical advice:
- It sounds like you are both operating under some misconceptions about SSNs. I would sit down, together, and do some research, plot out what the rest of the journey is going to look like, and make a to-do list for the big immigration / documentation milestones. 

- California must have a decent-sized Russian community, have you or your husband thought about getting in touch with someone? That would certainly help with the social isolation at least, and might make things logistically easier if you can make some good connections.

[KMG 125]

12 hours ago, antalia said:

Yeah, I guess I want him to change his attitude somehow:) We were really looking forward for him to get EAD, as he'd get hired much easier than me with the background he's got, and his starter salary will be at least twice what is my average -- he's CTO level and I'm a junior project manager. However, we would still require two incomes for it to make sense in the current climate, so I was also working on studying for a job transition, QA online courses. This is another point of conflict, because I honestly don't put in as much effort in it as I should be putting. It's not something I am generally excited about, so I spend a ton of energy in that general direction, feeling guilty when not studying and feeling hopeless when I do, and so on. 

Someone asked about i-864, I sponsor it, with the job I have working for my family as a project assistant. It is just a means to an end, as I wasn't able to land a job in my field in time with the deadlines. We agreed that he'll get a job as soon as he'll get that authorization, that I will work on my studies, and he even stated multiple times that he's ok with being a sole provider (which is something I wouldn't do, as I do want to work, for social and financial reasons.) Now, I have a lot of free time on my hands which I should be spending either working or studying, which I don't. He sacrifices sleep preparing for the tech interview questions. Obviously another resentment builder, even though I do my best putting all effort that way when we are not fighting.

I would not recommend transferring careers into something you do not enjoy doing.  This will only aggravate you more. Find something you are passionate about. It seems that you have the perfect setup, able to live with your family, but pride is getting in the way.  I know when my husband and I arrive, we will not have the luxury to live with family long-term.  It will be more of a short time, waiting for an apartment or house to be approved and lights turned on. I suggest you enjoy this freedom for now, and he needs to stop worrying about the kitchen.

[KMG 125]

8 hours ago, ineedadisplayname said:

"Get on the phone with your Congressman's immigration liaison and concisely explain the need to expedite EAD." like this is thing. If he has a job offer he can try with that, but oh i have marital problems expedite the EAD is not a thing.

I have to agree, I was a little shocked reading this too. It is not going to resolve any issues.

[TBoneTX 45,266]

9 hours ago, KMG said:

I have to agree, I was a little shocked reading this too. It is not going to resolve any issues.

It's one part of taking action instead of the litany of "can't, don't, won't."

 

No one can say which specific elements of "taking action" will help or not -- being proactive, instead of wallowing in inaction, is what's important.

[hplusj 135]

On 9/2/2024 at 10:59 PM, antalia said:

Come to think of it, the reason we can't work from home in a studio was that we both ideally are on phone calls throughout the day. And if we both work jobs like that, we surely are able to afford more than a studio, so yeah, pretty silly. 

My fiance and I can be on Discord calls in the same room.  We have noise cancelling headsets.  Do you feel like at this point you're simply hunting for excuses, either for his sake or yours?

On 9/2/2024 at 10:59 PM, antalia said:

He always says he's here only because of me, because I was dead set on having the wedding here.

This is such a red flag, I can't even.  The wedding?  What about a life, where do you two want to LIVE?  A wedding is a passage in a very long novel of a life together.  Also, saying he's only here because of you, that is FAR too much for one person to bear.

 

At this point, I have to say, everything about this situation screams emotional abuse.  Ultimately, antalia will do what she wants to do.  It's quite possible she's here to test her excuses, and validate the decisions she's made.  And now she's stuck.  

 

She'll only break this off with personal resolve in play.  Even though I'd at this point advise her to ask her parents for assistance with a one way ticket for him to head on back and work on the divorce, let's face it; people's opinions on the internet aren't going to make a difference.  

[Ontarkie 14,218]

You are both in your 30's you're not children, but he is sure acting like one. Having you take pictures of the meal you made so he can make up his mind if he wants to eat. Too bad so sad, if he wants to eat he gets his hinny to the kitchen. He wants certain food he goes to the stores with you. 

 

He arrived in May and does nothing but complain or hide. I'm sorry but he is showing his true colours, he won't change. THis is the honeymoon stage all should be hunky dory at this point. A little strain is normal but not what you typed here.

 

It took me 3 years to adjust here and almost 5 before I really felt like this was home. Not once did I blame my husband for things, but I sure as heck complained. I complain about no ketchup chips, I complained about the dang spiders, I complained about the traffic, I complained about the flour and boy did I complain about the ppl. But not once did I blame him. There's a difference between culture shock and being out right nasty and he is just being nasty. 

 

If you want to keep trying then you need to have a coming to Jesus talk with him. No more games, period. He participates or he leaves. 

 

If you're done then it's time to tell him. Pull the  I 864 so you and if your parents signed it too are not on the hook.

[Nous Eb 126]

I agree with @TBoneTX. You need to get your head out of your behind and start doing something. I am surprised by some comments here from people who think they can psychologically analyze your husband and judge his behavior while we only have one side of the story. Your posts show me that at least you, and possibly also your husband, have some growing up to do. 

 

My opinion is based on experience and is not meant to trash anyone but I am Dutch and we tend to be quite blunt. I have done this immigration thing both ways. I am now in the USA having filed my AOS but my husband moved to The Netherlands first well over a decade ago, so I have experience on both sides as I have been both petitioner and beneficiary. When my husband moved to The Netherlands it was because I wanted it, not because he wanted to leave the USA. It was all about me me me back then because I had a horse, I had my family, I had my friends, I had an apartment so you could say I almost forced him to leave HIS stuff behind and move there and since I didn't even have a stable job back then, we had to get him there on an entrepreneur permit which meant he better grow a thriving business because he would not be allowed to work on that permit, nor could he get any type of benefits if needed. My husband is a very kind hearted man who loves me very much, so he never blamed me for anything and we never had any significant fights over it, but he would have been absolutely right if he had! And we weren't even married yet so all he had to do was get on a plane to fly home. But he stayed for 9+ years even though he was miserable. The work he wanted to do and was qualified for was no option to do self-employed as it would need a big financial investment and I couldn't afford that and we didn't want to spend his savings because we were already talking about moving to the USA one day back then. As a man he was unable to be the main provider and he felt emasculated. I was your age then, but we differ in that I was constantly busy with taking action to make things better. I took jobs way below my level and took extra cleaning jobs to make sure I could feed us and pay our bills and stay in our apartment so I didn't have to also drag him to my parents. As sweet as they both are, that is not what I promised him and would never have done to him. Never once did I talk to my then boyfriend disrespectfully when he had days where he felt more miserable than others because after all, it was ME who brought him there and I was the one responsible. Did we have fights? Yes, but they were rare and it always ended with me saying sorry because I knew I was the cause. It took me 5-6 years to finally get financially stable and comfortable and get him on a new permit that would allow him to work, but by then we also decided that we would move to the USA and the business we set up for his first permit was actually generating some work and income. It was HARD. But life is hard, you need to learn how to deal with situations where it doesn't go as you had envisioned. If that is not something you're ready for and can undergo together, then you shouldn't have married. But you did and even though divorce certificates are being given out as candy, you shouldn't want that. You chose each other, now work for it.

When I read your post and replies I just roll my eyes and blame it on the times and realize I am an old-fashioned, conservative old hag who wishes she could go back to the 80's. Like I said, we were in a terrible situation for 5-6 years and didn't even need a divorce to get away from each other, but our situation didn't cause my man to whine at me or me to go on a message board to trash my man and definitely after only a couple months! OMG how are you going to handle being married for 50 years? In good times and in bad times, sickness and in health, that includes this situation. But marriage is not worth much for many these days. The time that you spent on here trying to get people to side with you so you can get confirmation that your complaints are valid and it's all his fault, you could have worked at your second job (if you have a first) so you could afford a somewhat better place until you guys get comfortable enough to get a nice place. As long as he can't work, that IS your responsibility. The 'I didn't live in the US for a long time' excuse is invalid, YOU are the USC and YOU need to have your ^%&* in order. Your husband is miserable because the USA and the way you guys are living is not what he expected from it. I wonder if he set his expectations too high or if you did. I have a feeling it's the latter. I can't be the only one wanting to hear the other side of the story.

Edited September 7 by Nous Eb