Relationship is very strained, don't know what to do

[KMG 69]

3 hours ago, antalia said:

We did that, right before marriage. He said he'll leave if I don't get my together (get a better paying job, study more, smile more), and I cried and I begged and I promised I'll do better. And I do try to do my best with whatever resources I got, it's just not much. I also wasn't living in the States for the most part, I kept domicile and a remote job, but I was mostly living abroad, so I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself, unfortunately. He's fluent in English, so I guess I quietly expected him to help me with figuring out the things he quietly expected me to already know.

I have to agree with the previous commenter.  This ultimatum should have been your out. The dating period is to see whether or not someone is a good fit.

Edited September 3 by TBoneTX
multiple posts (probable system error) removed

[Cathi 5,694]

2 hours ago, antalia said:

 and in a studio we won't be able to work from home. 

Why can't you work from home in a studio??????????

My husband just flew home this week from Jordan, his first flight was delayed so he missed his connecting flight. He literally worked remotely from his PHONE stuck in the Vienna airport for almost 2 days. Either your husband is making unreasonable demands and/or you're making silly excuses on his behalf.

When my husband moved here 12 years ago he didn't care about the size of my house, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, porch, back yard or car. NONE of it mattered because he came here to be with ME, not with the square footage of my home. He also made a concerted effort to get his drivers license, which you husband needs to take the initiative to do.

These issues aren't related to immigration, they're marriage related. Perhaps marriage counseling...

[Family 3,832]

Withdraw the I-864 and tell him he is free to decide his own fate…he can stay and try to repair the marriage/relationship or he can leave.

 

Boycotting the kitchen, to avoid your parents is absurd. You are smart enough to understand that he has justified washing his hands of cooking and any household contributions. 

Don’t even get me started with the grocery shopping excuse….yes he can rely on the kindness of others ( your parents) and venture out WITH them when they do the shopping.

 

You need to put down that heavy hammer of self criticism….and politely STOP his barrage of put downs the moment you hear it. 
 

Pull the I-864 . …and do a serious re set. ..cause a job for him won’t fix the resentment he is stewing in and stop blaming yourself or doubting what you see, hear and feel. 

 

 

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

3 hours ago, hplusj said:

Although I do empathize about the stressors you're clearly experiencing, I don't know what you expect the goals here to be.  Do you want him to change his attitude somehow?  Did you two discuss what your home life is to look like, review a realistic timeline on how to get there?  I feel like in only getting your side of the story, we're missing a lot of details.                   

 

By your account it sounds like he expects you to carry the two of you indefinitely and that he will set the parameters of your quality of life, when you are the one financially responsible.  Whether you are the sole earner or part of the equation post-EAD, you two must be aligned on how to meet goals together.  I'm honestly shocked that these ultimatums were presumably given prior to marriage, and you still went ahead with it.

 

Like everyone else is saying, you need to be decisive and work on a plan with him that is actually within your means now, and with a dual income in due time.  If he's not willing to work on those projections with you, then I'm sorry, you're going to have to bounce him.    

 

Truly astounded that in knowing someone a decade, these discussions haven't been had.

Yeah, I guess I want him to change his attitude somehow:) We were really looking forward for him to get EAD, as he'd get hired much easier than me with the background he's got, and his starter salary will be at least twice what is my average -- he's CTO level and I'm a junior project manager. However, we would still require two incomes for it to make sense in the current climate, so I was also working on studying for a job transition, QA online courses. This is another point of conflict, because I honestly don't put in as much effort in it as I should be putting. It's not something I am generally excited about, so I spend a ton of energy in that general direction, feeling guilty when not studying and feeling hopeless when I do, and so on. 

Someone asked about i-864, I sponsor it, with the job I have working for my family as a project assistant. It is just a means to an end, as I wasn't able to land a job in my field in time with the deadlines. We agreed that he'll get a job as soon as he'll get that authorization, that I will work on my studies, and he even stated multiple times that he's ok with being a sole provider (which is something I wouldn't do, as I do want to work, for social and financial reasons.) Now, I have a lot of free time on my hands which I should be spending either working or studying, which I don't. He sacrifices sleep preparing for the tech interview questions. Obviously another resentment builder, even though I do my best putting all effort that way when we are not fighting.

[Boiler 44,855]

Have you read the I 864?

 

Do you appreciate your responsibilities?

 

 

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

3 hours ago, Cathi said:

Why can't you work from home in a studio??????????

My husband just flew home this week from Jordan, his first flight was delayed so he missed his connecting flight. He literally worked remotely from his PHONE stuck in the Vienna airport for almost 2 days. Either your husband is making unreasonable demands and/or you're making silly excuses on his behalf.

When my husband moved here 12 years ago he didn't care about the size of my house, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, porch, back yard or car. NONE of it mattered because he came here to be with ME, not with the square footage of my home. He also made a concerted effort to get his drivers license, which you husband needs to take the initiative to do.

These issues aren't related to immigration, they're marriage related. Perhaps marriage counseling...

Come to think of it, the reason we can't work from home in a studio was that we both ideally are on phone calls throughout the day. And if we both work jobs like that, we surely are able to afford more than a studio, so yeah, pretty silly. 
 

He always says he's here only because of me, because I was dead set on having the wedding here. I had this dream for us to visit the nearby national parks for a week of roadtrip, which I have done numerous times, so I was ready to go whenever the weather allows. He didn't feel comfortable going without equipping my car with all sorts of roadtrip emergency gadgets. I also suspect he hates my driving:) although I have a spotless record. Agree on the drivers license bit for sure.

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

11 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Have you read the I 864?

 

Do you appreciate your responsibilities?

 

 

I have and I do, to the best of my ability to understand what I am signing. That is why I am lost, we can't seem to communicate for me to be able do my part successfully. While we were filing the AOS papers he first said I filed the form all wrong, and it took me a while to finally get that it's not the info that is wrong, but the formatting he doesn't agree with. So I did read all of the instructions multiple times, we read it together as well.

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

So, today he says his health issue with itchy moles is flaring up again, that he's been on pain management (thc and nicotine) for a long time barely coping, and that I'm so blatantly oblivious to all that and care about my emotions only. When we don't fight, he doesn't look to be in pain, or speak about it, and the last time he brought it up I got really scared and said nothing will happen until we go check this, no matter how much it costs out of pocket. And he then said it's ok for now and let's focus on the docs and other more urgent things. My mistake was to let this go like this.

 

We talked today, and I heard that I initially presented myself as an expert on local customs, basically lured him in here saying that I'll help, while I needed help myself. The last straw was my "no" to "will you talk respectfully", and then also the way I ignore him being in strong physical pain these following days. I know, it's hard to believe we've known each other for years with this level of miscommunication, but we didn't get there in a day. Finally, he stated I'm not really interested in anything except my ego. So, I don't know what happens next. He has little savings left, and when I give him cash or cards he just refuses it. 

We went groceries shopping today, agreeing on the store, and midway through he said "oh it's the store where my card doesn't work", so he dropped the cart, said he's good, and when I offered to go to another store he said the card won't work there either, let's go home. His card does work in other stores, and he has cash, and we are married and we took turns paying, when he asked to do so, even though my card's clearly a safer choice because it's local... yeah. Now he went to sleep on the floor by the bed, fully clothed just laid down and that's that.

As for SSN, he insists that it would have been valid until visa expired only, and thus mostly useless to obtain before getting i-485 approved. However it would still let us get started on things like joint account, state ID, DL, if I am not mistaken?

Thank you everyone for your input, you guys helped me to get through this day.

[Sam Burns 142]

Get divorced asap, this guy is toxic. There is no saving this relationship, this man will destroy you if you stay with him.

Edited September 3 by Sam Burns
Adding more info

[ineedadisplayname 462]

10 hours ago, antalia said:

He said he doesn't want either a studio, or a shared kitchen, because immigrating here is not worth it if we have to share a kitchen with anyone, and in a studio we won't be able to work from home. Now, we are renting guest bedroom+living room with its own bathroom, it's a good deal, apart from shared kitchen and my family for roommates. Way more space than a studio, can have work calls in the other room, but still a shared kitchen. Before he arrived we talked about staying at theirs for a while, and then getting our own place, the "while" wasn't defined though.

I mean he is not working and having unrealistic expectations. Is he practicing for interviews when the EAD comes? The interview process is probably highly different from Russia. Also if you just google IT layoffs there are a bunch, so set his expectations straight about job opportunities. IT is like the medical field like a general surgeon won't be hired to do brain surgery. Do you know what is "specialty" is? Are there jobs out for that specialty?

 

It could be cultural shock, but regardless he has like strange behaviors.

 

Are the actual immigrant? "Since he arrived, he's been very vocal about my shortcomings on this journey, like that I should've gotten a better job, done better networking prior to arrival, and so on."  Why would you network prior to his arrival?

 

Also you mentioned something about six months?   How is his English? are there language barriers? You need to sit down and seriously talk about what is going on. To me it seems like you are trying for sure, being considered (like going to smoke shops on the way to/from grocery store, etc)  Maybe he had different expectations on what america is and now he is going to live in a 5 bedroom house on his own, etc.... Anyway try to sit down, or ask him to write down what is going on so you can read it separately and not react to what he has to say right away.

[ineedadisplayname 462]

14 hours ago, J.M. said:

It's truly easy to settle a relationship stand-off.  One of you has to swallow your pride and decide your relationship is more important than arguing over petty things.  The other partner will follow your lead.

Or you can say this is not working for me and send him back to russia. People are different in long distance relationship and the reality is that it might not work out. While compromising is a thing I would not be a servant of somebody. Think about if you want to do this for the next 40 years or so if nothing is going to change.

[ineedadisplayname 462]

13 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

He feels trapped, like a cornered animal perhaps being slowly neutered, and he perceives that you're not acting.

You've said it, in your own words.  He perceives this.  How exactly do you expect him to respond?

Again, stated in your own words.

 

When a situation is unacceptable, we have two choices:  change the situation, or get out of it.

 

Your posts are laden with "I can't" and "I don't," which adds up to "I won't."  Quit making excuses!  Where there's a will, there's a way.  You need to take all these bulls by the horns and act, with determination and resolve.  Show some resolve and some fire!

 

You must look him in the eye (grab him by the shirt front if necessary) and tell him that you're frustrated, too, and you intend to make positive changes starting now, and you expect his contributory input or at least cooperation.  Tell him that progress will be stepwise, because Rome wasn't built in a day.  And when you tell him all this, you mean it, and you act on it.

 

Tell your parents what you intend, and get their help.  Get on the phone with your Congressman's immigration liaison and concisely explain the need to expedite EAD.  Get on the phone with real estate agents who specialize in rentals, and find out about decent houses in shopping-convenient neighborhoods where you can split rent with other couples.  Get on NextDoor or similar neighbor programs and ask who has a garage apartment with kitchen access.  Call church and synagogue offices to learn of resources.  Network with your parents' friends and your neighbors.  Muster your resourcefulness and apply it.  Edited to add:  And keep him apprised of every action and every step!

 

It's your choice -- correct a set of correctable problems, or throw away months/years of effort and thousands of dollars to get him here.

This is the most unhelpful thing I've read.

 

"Get on the phone with your Congressman's immigration liaison and concisely explain the need to expedite EAD." like this is thing. If he has a job offer he can try with that, but oh i have marital problems expedite the EAD is not a thing.

 

Moving out and in with 2 other different people is also a bad idea. Based on what she said her parents are very nice and welcoming, adding 2 other strangers with their own problems are not going to help him. It is his choice to lock himself into a room and avoiding everybody. Probably they are getting a good rate from the parents, why strain their financial situation even more by moving out? I don't think that is going to solve the issues they are having when he sees the other couple both working. I think what has to be done is to ask him what his problem is and go from there. It is not normal to ask to send pics of food and if MIL eats it there is the drama....

[ineedadisplayname 462]

10 hours ago, antalia said:

We did that, right before marriage. He said he'll leave if I don't get my together (get a better paying job, study more, smile more), and I cried and I begged and I promised I'll do better. And I do try to do my best with whatever resources I got, it's just not much. I also wasn't living in the States for the most part, I kept domicile and a remote job, but I was mostly living abroad, so I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself, unfortunately. He's fluent in English, so I guess I quietly expected him to help me with figuring out the things he quietly expected me to already know.

That should have been a red flag and you should have ran away and not go through this whole process. This will not be good for your mental health for sure. Are you also russian? You said you came on a K2

[ineedadisplayname 462]

 

1 hour ago, antalia said:

So, today he says his health issue with itchy moles is flaring up again, that he's been on pain management (thc and nicotine) for a long time barely coping, and that I'm so blatantly oblivious to all that and care about my emotions only. When we don't fight, he doesn't look to be in pain, or speak about it, and the last time he brought it up I got really scared and said nothing will happen until we go check this, no matter how much it costs out of pocket. And he then said it's ok for now and let's focus on the docs and other more urgent things. My mistake was to let this go like this.

 

We talked today, and I heard that I initially presented myself as an expert on local customs, basically lured him in here saying that I'll help, while I needed help myself. The last straw was my "no" to "will you talk respectfully", and then also the way I ignore him being in strong physical pain these following days. I know, it's hard to believe we've known each other for years with this level of miscommunication, but we didn't get there in a day. Finally, he stated I'm not really interested in anything except my ego. So, I don't know what happens next. He has little savings left, and when I give him cash or cards he just refuses it. 

We went groceries shopping today, agreeing on the store, and midway through he said "oh it's the store where my card doesn't work", so he dropped the cart, said he's good, and when I offered to go to another store he said the card won't work there either, let's go home. His card does work in other stores, and he has cash, and we are married and we took turns paying, when he asked to do so, even though my card's clearly a safer choice because it's local... yeah. Now he went to sleep on the floor by the bed, fully clothed just laid down and that's that.

As for SSN, he insists that it would have been valid until visa expired only, and thus mostly useless to obtain before getting i-485 approved. However it would still let us get started on things like joint account, state ID, DL, if I am not mistaken?

Thank you everyone for your input, you guys helped me to get through this day.

I think both of you need to grow up. There are clearly deep issues here on both sides. How do you talk to him if he needed to say talk respectfully? Or does he expect you to be subservient and not speak up?

 

Anyway we don't know you or him, but what you write probably the two of you are not a good match and most likely both of you are trying to use emotional manipulation to get somewhere, or get back to the other. I think it would be better to get divorced and move on with your life separately.

 

"CTO" level means those jobs are not a dime a dozen if he is really that level, so after getting EAD probably it will be at least another 6 months at least to get a CTO level job if he can pass the interviews or find the opportunities so I don't see this ending anytime soon.

[Boiler 44,855]

Feels highly unlikely OP has much of a clue about the I 864 obligations.