Relationship is very strained, don't know what to do

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

Hello all, not sure if it's the right place to post, but please redirect me, if anything. I have no one to talk with about this, considering the immigration-related context meaning and the weight of these matters, and I really need some perspective here. Sorry for maybe unnecessary details, but it's all been taking a serious toll on my mental health, so please trust me I did my best to stay coherent. My fiance arrived on K1 back in May, we married in July and filed for AOS a little after his 90 days visa expired. We are both in our early 30s and while he has an IT career mine is less than stellar and I was leaning to transitioning to his field as it has more money making hard skills. So we are tight on money at the moment, as we had to live off savings while waiting for the docs, and I cannot afford to rent an apartment solo here, so for now we rent the guest suite in my parents' house.

Since he arrived, he's been very vocal about my shortcomings on this journey, like that I should've gotten a better job, done better networking prior to arrival, and so on. He has no one here except for me, he does not drive and hasn't yet expressed desire to start learning, and the closest groceries shop is over an hour walking distance away. So every time we fight, I am the one who can get the fridge stocked and who can get him to his nicotine needs. There have been multiple instances where I would rather cool off for who knows how long, or have him approach me and attempt to apologize first, but I have to be non-hostile and monitor how much food we have left and whether he would like to stop by the tobacco shop on the way back. We don't go out ever, as I would be the one to both suggest, plan, and drive. I don't go out on my own, as I feel it's unfair he's physically stuck at home and it's provokingly rude to not invite him along. Over time, with nothing substantially changing documents wise and only seasons going and savings dwindling, our relationship became more and more strained. He's not comfortable with my parents always present in the house, to the point of avoiding going to the kitchen if possible, so I am the one doing the bulk of cooking as well (They are very nice to him and accepted him as family, more like you can't escape the small talk for a while if they catch up with you). Lately it's been getting to the point where he asks me to take pictures of the food we bought, because he does not want to eat their food, even though they eat the stuff I buy, mom likes to cook for everyone on occasion, no one has any problem with this except for him. So I cook, and then text him a pic of what is it and which shelf.

So, these past days he's been torturing me with night monologues, every night around 2-3 am he starts talking out loud in the bedroom, just criticizing me to the open window, for the parents to possibly hear it from upstairs bedroom, complaining he's wasted money, years, and that he's been starving for days and I abuse him with controlling food access, and so on. It seems it's either all done and he goes straight to the airport, or I need to keep eating up that attitude. I can't leave him with my parents and go rent another room, I can't kick him out to a rental, he has no car, and I can't keep doing this. Today's morning treatment is he's now demonstratively distancing himself with closed off doors. Can't believe it got here with my just not letting that one insult go. It's totally surreal at this point, where neither of us is able to even basic function. We can't divorce until it's been 6 months, he can't do anything without my input, I can't pretend I'm even remotely ok with what he's dishing out. I don't even truly want a divorce yet, I willingly married the dude less than two months ago, I'm just so hurt and exhausted. What would you suggest I do? I feel like I'm the one being abused at this point, even if it stems from my own inadequate response, all while I'm responsible to check his basic needs. He also has no SSN (he said he'll be applying to it after he gets EOD, as otherwise it's two different ones, creates confusion), so not even a joint bank account, so I'm the one paying most times, as we've spent most of his assets to get here (over two years journey, starting from escaping militant Russia having to tourist Asia until the docs come, having experienced bombing in Jerusalem, Israel being the only country eventually agreeing to take the transfer, then the move itself). His dad's very sick and he realistically won't be able to see him in at least a year. He says he also has itchy moles, but refuses to use "my money" to go check them, and again, I don't know how I can make him do what he doesn't want to do. Am I being too patient here, or maybe I should give him space? I think I will just stock the fridge with whatever I see fit, and limit active contact? If parents start asking questions, about the noise, or my state, I cannot keep his face without lying that nothing's going on, and I'm sure the atmosphere will be even more sour after I open up. Thank you for any input, I've been feeling very alone.

[J.M. 206]

59 minutes ago, antalia said:

We don't go out ever, as I would be the one to both suggest, plan, and drive.

There are obviously problems that nobody reading this will fully understand, but this statement stood out to me.  Of course you will be the one to do all of that.  He knows nothing about your area, where to go, what to do, how to get there.  You are 100% his guide to his new life.  It should be your pleasure to suggest new places to go and to be excited to show him around.  

 

You should have a serious talk about expectations from each other.  Ideally, you would have had that discussion long before marriage.  If you did have that discussion previously, then discuss what is different now compared to those expectations.  His (or your) expectations may not be realistic.

 

Although others have done it, I would never even think of bringing a K-1 here to live with my parents.  If I cannot support myself, I am certain I cannot support a spouse that cannot work for several months.

 

Isolation is not the answer, for either of you.  From your description, it sounds like he is used to being an independent man who is really struggling with being a "kept" man, incapable of even going to the store without assistance and feeling guilty eating food that he cannot provide.  Put yourself in his shoes.  I would not be happy in that situation at all.  If you feel "alone" when living with your parents, imagine how he feels.

 

You are his caretaker for at least the next several months.  Marriage can be difficult.  Moving to another country is difficult.  Combining them will always be difficult.

 

It's truly easy to settle a relationship stand-off.  One of you has to swallow your pride and decide your relationship is more important than arguing over petty things.  The other partner will follow your lead.

[yuna628 9,646]

2 hours ago, antalia said:

Hello all, not sure if it's the right place to post, but please redirect me, if anything. I have no one to talk with about this, considering the immigration-related context meaning and the weight of these matters, and I really need some perspective here. Sorry for maybe unnecessary details, but it's all been taking a serious toll on my mental health, so please trust me I did my best to stay coherent. My fiance arrived on K1 back in May, we married in July and filed for AOS a little after his 90 days visa expired. We are both in our early 30s and while he has an IT career mine is less than stellar and I was leaning to transitioning to his field as it has more money making hard skills. So we are tight on money at the moment, as we had to live off savings while waiting for the docs, and I cannot afford to rent an apartment solo here, so for now we rent the guest suite in my parents' house.

Since he arrived, he's been very vocal about my shortcomings on this journey, like that I should've gotten a better job, done better networking prior to arrival, and so on. He has no one here except for me, he does not drive and hasn't yet expressed desire to start learning, and the closest groceries shop is over an hour walking distance away. So every time we fight, I am the one who can get the fridge stocked and who can get him to his nicotine needs. There have been multiple instances where I would rather cool off for who knows how long, or have him approach me and attempt to apologize first, but I have to be non-hostile and monitor how much food we have left and whether he would like to stop by the tobacco shop on the way back. We don't go out ever, as I would be the one to both suggest, plan, and drive. I don't go out on my own, as I feel it's unfair he's physically stuck at home and it's provokingly rude to not invite him along. Over time, with nothing substantially changing documents wise and only seasons going and savings dwindling, our relationship became more and more strained. He's not comfortable with my parents always present in the house, to the point of avoiding going to the kitchen if possible, so I am the one doing the bulk of cooking as well (They are very nice to him and accepted him as family, more like you can't escape the small talk for a while if they catch up with you). Lately it's been getting to the point where he asks me to take pictures of the food we bought, because he does not want to eat their food, even though they eat the stuff I buy, mom likes to cook for everyone on occasion, no one has any problem with this except for him. So I cook, and then text him a pic of what is it and which shelf.

So, these past days he's been torturing me with night monologues, every night around 2-3 am he starts talking out loud in the bedroom, just criticizing me to the open window, for the parents to possibly hear it from upstairs bedroom, complaining he's wasted money, years, and that he's been starving for days and I abuse him with controlling food access, and so on. It seems it's either all done and he goes straight to the airport, or I need to keep eating up that attitude. I can't leave him with my parents and go rent another room, I can't kick him out to a rental, he has no car, and I can't keep doing this. Today's morning treatment is he's now demonstratively distancing himself with closed off doors. Can't believe it got here with my just not letting that one insult go. It's totally surreal at this point, where neither of us is able to even basic function. We can't divorce until it's been 6 months, he can't do anything without my input, I can't pretend I'm even remotely ok with what he's dishing out. I don't even truly want a divorce yet, I willingly married the dude less than two months ago, I'm just so hurt and exhausted. What would you suggest I do? I feel like I'm the one being abused at this point, even if it stems from my own inadequate response, all while I'm responsible to check his basic needs. He also has no SSN (he said he'll be applying to it after he gets EOD, as otherwise it's two different ones, creates confusion), so not even a joint bank account, so I'm the one paying most times, as we've spent most of his assets to get here (over two years journey, starting from escaping militant Russia having to tourist Asia until the docs come, having experienced bombing in Jerusalem, Israel being the only country eventually agreeing to take the transfer, then the move itself). His dad's very sick and he realistically won't be able to see him in at least a year. He says he also has itchy moles, but refuses to use "my money" to go check them, and again, I don't know how I can make him do what he doesn't want to do. Am I being too patient here, or maybe I should give him space? I think I will just stock the fridge with whatever I see fit, and limit active contact? If parents start asking questions, about the noise, or my state, I cannot keep his face without lying that nothing's going on, and I'm sure the atmosphere will be even more sour after I open up. Thank you for any input, I've been feeling very alone.

 

So when my husband came here on his K1 we lived at my family's house. We had saved a great deal of money, as I didn't work at the time because I am my parent's caretaker, and I knew it would take a while before he found a stable job. It was not easy. He applied to so many jobs and was rejected, and my parents were less than helpful in their comments at times. He felt dejected and unable to provide. There were deaths in the family and hardships to come. After a while, and still waiting on the USCIS to come through, money was getting tight. We nearly lost our health insurance. Thankfully a job came through and from there over the years we are in a pretty good place now. He is happy with life in the US and making more than he'd ever dreamed of.

 

One thing in all those struggles though and I think is very important for every US citizen in the relationship to understand:

 

Everyone's situation is different but YOU ultimately are responsible for supporting your foreign spouse, especially if they are not working. That doesn't just mean financially it means ensuring that they understand how life in the US works and also how the process works. Based on several things you've said here, I'm not sure either one of you understand some of the process.

 

It is incorrect about there being two different SSNs. What you should have done was applied for his SSN immediately upon arrival. His SSN is his for life. It does not change. Without an SSN is significantly delaying the process. And sure, he wouldn't be able to work until his EAD comes even with an SSN, but an SSN helps you with insurance and gives the spouse some documents to their name. If this info has come from him this is false. You are the US citizen, you are responsible for knowing the information and having a plan. Don't rely on the immigrant to tell you how our customs are especially if it is clear their info is wrong. If they have misunderstood the info that's one thing, but if it is an intentional falsehood I don't know.. Always double check where the info has come from. Don't assume he is correct. You are responsible for his care.

 

A DL: everyone is going to be different but if you live in an area like I do that is more rural and far to get to a shop driving is essential. My husband was happy driving in his own country but he absolutely wanted to drive here, and we made sure to set that up as soon as possible. A DL/ID is yet another important document for the immigrant.

 

A joint account: I think that's typically very important in showing co-mingling of finances to the USCIS, setting the spouse for a future job etc. Of course if a divorce or abuse is occurring that is a situation where tangling finances might not be for the best - so you need to figure out what the future will be. If you terminate the marriage, adjusting status isn't going to happen because you're not continuing with the process.

 

You said you cannot divorce because you haven't been married six months? I don't believe that to be true. The process in CA should take six months to finalize, but a divorce could be filed at any time.

 

You said he doesn't want to take your money to go see a doctor? Why isn't he added to health insurance?

 

Finally... marriage is hard work. Asking an immigrant to give up their entire way of life to move to a new country with new customs, language, and expectations is even harder. For reference I have known my spouse for nearly 20 years, but he only moved here 9 years ago. I don't know how long you were in a relationship with your spouse before the decision was made to immigrate, and most people certainly wouldn't wait that long - but for some I think waiting until both persons understand what they are getting themselves into and expectations of what it entails is important. Do you love him, truly, or is this a marriage of obligation? Does he love you, truly, or is this a relationship of something else entirely. You need to decide. You both do.

Edited September 2 by yuna628

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

56 minutes ago, J.M. said:

There are obviously problems that nobody reading this will fully understand, but this statement stood out to me.  Of course you will be the one to do all of that.  He knows nothing about your area, where to go, what to do, how to get there.  You are 100% his guide to his new life.  It should be your pleasure to suggest new places to go and to be excited to show him around.  

 

You should have a serious talk about expectations from each other.  Ideally, you would have had that discussion long before marriage.  If you did have that discussion previously, then discuss what is different now compared to those expectations.  His (or your) expectations may not be realistic.

 

Although others have done it, I would never even think of bringing a K-1 here to live with my parents.  If I cannot support myself, I am certain I cannot support a spouse that cannot work for several months.

 

Isolation is not the answer, for either of you.  From your description, it sounds like he is used to being an independent man who is really struggling with being a "kept" man, incapable of even going to the store without assistance and feeling guilty eating food that he cannot provide.  Put yourself in his shoes.  I would not be happy in that situation at all.  If you feel "alone" when living with your parents, imagine how he feels.

 

You are his caretaker for at least the next several months.  Marriage can be difficult.  Moving to another country is difficult.  Combining them will always be difficult.

 

It's truly easy to settle a relationship stand-off.  One of you has to swallow your pride and decide your relationship is more important than arguing over petty things.  The other partner will follow your lead.

 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I wouldn't say he knows nothing about my area and has no idea what could be entertaining for both of us, so he can't suggesting an outing. We've traveled together and both know how to research and arrange activities in new locations, so it's a question of effort, on both sides true.

As for bringing a K-1 to live with the parents, when we filed, we had solid savings and secure jobs, so it wasn't like that from the beginning. We do have the means to support ourselves, but I would not be able to rent an apartment that lives up to his standards here on only my income. We did agree beforehand that we are renting from them until we can afford to move out. And although I do realize how he feels, as I was a K-2 myself and sort of get the ways this might suck, I then have even less understanding on how he can insult me to my face and then pretend like nothing happened and blame me for not smiling when I politely but deservedly coldly offer to take a drive to stock up on food.

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

13 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

 

So when my husband came here on his K1 we lived at my family's house. We had saved a great deal of money, as I didn't work at the time because I am my parent's caretaker, and I knew it would take a while before he found a stable job. It was not easy. He applied to so many jobs and was rejected, and my parents were less than helpful in their comments at times. He felt dejected and unable to provide. There were deaths in the family and hardships to come. After a while, and still waiting on the USCIS to come through, money was getting tight. We nearly lost our health insurance. Thankfully a job came through and from there over the years we are in a pretty good place now. He is happy with life in the US and making more than he'd ever dreamed of.

 

One thing in all those struggles though and I think is very important for every US citizen in the relationship to understand:

 

Everyone's situation is different but YOU ultimately are responsible for supporting your foreign spouse, especially if they are not working. That doesn't just mean financially it means ensuring that they understand how life in the US works and also how the process works. Based on several things you've said here, I'm not sure either one of you understand some of the process.

 

It is incorrect about there being two different SSNs. What you should have done was applied for his SSN immediately upon arrival. His SSN is his for life. It does not change. Without an SSN is significantly delaying the process. And sure, he wouldn't be able to work until his EAD comes even with an SSN, but an SSN helps you with insurance and gives the spouse some documents to their name. If this info has come from him this is false. You are the US citizen, you are responsible for knowing the information and having a plan. Don't rely on the immigrant to tell you how our customs are especially if it is clear their info is wrong. If they have misunderstood the info that's one thing, but if it is an intentional falsehood I don't know..

 

A DL: everyone is going to be different but if you live in an area like I do that is more rural and far to get to a shop driving is essential. My husband was happy driving in his own country but he absolutely wanted to drive here, and we made sure to set that up as soon as possible. A DL/ID is yet another important document for the immigrant.

 

A joint account: I think that's typically very important in showing co-mingling of finances to the USCIS, setting the spouse for a future job etc. Of course if a divorce or abuse is occurring that is a situation where tangling finances might not be for the best - so you need to figure out what the future will be. If you terminate the marriage, adjusting status isn't going to happen because you're not continuing with the process.

 

You said you cannot divorce because you haven't been married six months? I don't believe that to be true. The process in CA should take six months to finalize, but a divorce could be filed at any time.

 

You said he doesn't want to take your money to go see a doctor? Why isn't he added to health insurance?

 

Finally... marriage is hard work. Asking an immigrant to give up their entire way of life to move to a new country with new customs, language, and expectations is even harder. For reference I have known my spouse for nearly 20 years, but he only moved here 9 years ago. I don't know how long you were in a relationship with your spouse before the decision was made to immigrate, and most people certainly wouldn't wait that long - but for some I think waiting until both persons understand what they are getting themselves into and expectations of what it entails is important. Do you love him, truly, or is this a marriage of obligation? Does he love you, truly, or is this a relationship of something else entirely. You need to decide. You both do.

Thank you for your perspective. We've known each other for a decade, so it wasn't a rash decision. I guess I should have better prepared for all this, and should have been way more assertive. I was planning on us going to the SSN office within the first week of his arrival, but then didn't push when he said we'll do it another way. Without it, I wasn't able to add his name to my banking, and so it was known to him as well. I suggested canceling this process with me becoming such a so-so sponsor financially and clearly not having done a good enough job organizationally, and moving somewhere more affordable for both of us at the moment, this was not accepted. We do not fight all the time, and at quiet times it never came up as something that we should be urgently changing, just sitting tight waiting for the docs to come.

[TBoneTX 44,669]

3 hours ago, antalia said:

he can't do anything without my input

He feels trapped, like a cornered animal perhaps being slowly neutered, and he perceives that you're not acting.

3 hours ago, antalia said:

it stems from my own inadequate response

You've said it, in your own words.  He perceives this.  How exactly do you expect him to respond?

3 hours ago, antalia said:

I'm responsible

Again, stated in your own words.

 

When a situation is unacceptable, we have two choices:  change the situation, or get out of it.

 

Your posts are laden with "I can't" and "I don't," which adds up to "I won't."  Quit making excuses!  Where there's a will, there's a way.  You need to take all these bulls by the horns and act, with determination and resolve.  Show some resolve and some fire!

 

You must look him in the eye (grab him by the shirt front if necessary) and tell him that you're frustrated, too, and you intend to make positive changes starting now, and you expect his contributory input or at least cooperation.  Tell him that progress will be stepwise, because Rome wasn't built in a day.  And when you tell him all this, you mean it, and you act on it.

 

Tell your parents what you intend, and get their help.  Get on the phone with your Congressman's immigration liaison and concisely explain the need to expedite EAD.  Get on the phone with real estate agents who specialize in rentals, and find out about decent houses in shopping-convenient neighborhoods where you can split rent with other couples.  Get on NextDoor or similar neighbor programs and ask who has a garage apartment with kitchen access.  Call church and synagogue offices to learn of resources.  Network with your parents' friends and your neighbors.  Muster your resourcefulness and apply it.  Edited to add:  And keep him apprised of every action and every step!

 

It's your choice -- correct a set of correctable problems, or throw away months/years of effort and thousands of dollars to get him here.

Edited September 2 by TBoneTX

[smilingstone 102]

45 minutes ago, antalia said:

I would not be able to rent an apartment that lives up to his standards here on only my income.

 

What standards? Wouldn't a studio apartment for the two of you alone be better than sharing with your parents?

 

My perspective is that reasonable people should accept the fact that sacrifices need to be made if it's in the pursuit of something bigger. If that means living in a shoe box for a while, then so be it. I'd rather that then not have privacy.

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

2 hours ago, smilingstone said:

 

What standards? Wouldn't a studio apartment for the two of you alone be better than sharing with your parents?

 

My perspective is that reasonable people should accept the fact that sacrifices need to be made if it's in the pursuit of something bigger. If that means living in a shoe box for a while, then so be it. I'd rather that then not have privacy.

He said he doesn't want either a studio, or a shared kitchen, because immigrating here is not worth it if we have to share a kitchen with anyone, and in a studio we won't be able to work from home. Now, we are renting guest bedroom+living room with its own bathroom, it's a good deal, apart from shared kitchen and my family for roommates. Way more space than a studio, can have work calls in the other room, but still a shared kitchen. Before he arrived we talked about staying at theirs for a while, and then getting our own place, the "while" wasn't defined though.

[yuna628 9,646]

12 minutes ago, antalia said:

He said he doesn't want either a studio, or a shared kitchen, because immigrating here is not worth it if we have to share a kitchen with anyone, and in a studio we won't be able to work from home. Now, we are renting guest bedroom+living room with its own bathroom, it's a good deal, apart from shared kitchen and my family for roommates. Way more space than a studio, can have work calls in the other room, but still a shared kitchen. Before he arrived we talked about staying at theirs for a while, and then getting our own place, the "while" wasn't defined though.

This is just very strange to me, no offense. You immigrate because you love someone and want to be with that person and have a life with that person together. Kitchens are rather irrelevant to the process. If kitchens were very important, then applying for an SSN (which it seems he did not want to do) opening an account together, working on a DL, and maybe even asking for an EAD expedite) would have been a key component to the process. Over the years have we been thrilled living at the same location as my parents? No. They drive us bananas but I am also responsible for their care. Still we have a life together. If this is not the life he wanted, you must both decide together what course of action to take. Immigration is not easy, and it will not get any easier or shorter. If you proceed with the adjustment process you need to show a life together... it does not sound like there is much togetherness right now, and that may show clearly during an interview.

[Boiler 44,855]

Anyone mention the I 864

[qwertyqwertyqwert 0]

2 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

He feels trapped, like a cornered animal perhaps being slowly neutered, and he perceives that you're not acting.

You've said it, in your own words.  He perceives this.  How exactly do you expect him to respond?

Again, stated in your own words.

 

When a situation is unacceptable, we have two choices:  change the situation, or get out of it.

 

Your posts are laden with "I can't" and "I don't," which adds up to "I won't."  Quit making excuses!  Where there's a will, there's a way.  You need to take all these bulls by the horns and act, with determination and resolve.  Show some resolve and some fire!

 

You must look him in the eye (grab him by the shirt front if necessary) and tell him that you're frustrated, too, and you intend to make positive changes starting now, and you expect his contributory input or at least cooperation.  Tell him that progress will be stepwise, because Rome wasn't built in a day.  And when you tell him all this, you mean it, and you act on it.

 

Tell your parents what you intend, and get their help.  Get on the phone with your Congressman's immigration liaison and concisely explain the need to expedite EAD.  Get on the phone with real estate agents who specialize in rentals, and find out about decent houses in shopping-convenient neighborhoods where you can split rent with other couples.  Get on NextDoor or similar neighbor programs and ask who has a garage apartment with kitchen access.  Call church and synagogue offices to learn of resources.  Network with your parents' friends and your neighbors.  Muster your resourcefulness and apply it.  Edited to add:  And keep him apprised of every action and every step!

 

It's your choice -- correct a set of correctable problems, or throw away months/years of effort and thousands of dollars to get him here.

We did that, right before marriage. He said he'll leave if I don't get my together (get a better paying job, study more, smile more), and I cried and I begged and I promised I'll do better. And I do try to do my best with whatever resources I got, it's just not much. I also wasn't living in the States for the most part, I kept domicile and a remote job, but I was mostly living abroad, so I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself, unfortunately. He's fluent in English, so I guess I quietly expected him to help me with figuring out the things he quietly expected me to already know.

[TBoneTX 44,669]

50 minutes ago, antalia said:

I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself

This sounds like a golden opportunity to learn and work together!

51 minutes ago, antalia said:

I quietly expected him to help me with figuring out the things he quietly expected me to already know.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!  Assume things at your peril.  It's never too late to begin communicating, so start now -- if there's yelling and crying, that's good!

 

Marriage is "the two of you against the world" -- you've made the commitment, so renew it by expressing it to each other, and get going as a team.  If you're determined, nothing can stop you.

[TBoneTX 44,669]

54 minutes ago, antalia said:

I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself

In addition, on this point:  Call for help.  Call church groups, social-support agencies, and others.  Resources are out there.  This includes marriage counseling, if you have your honest mutual airing of dissatisfaction and resentment still remains.

[hplusj 114]

59 minutes ago, antalia said:

We did that, right before marriage. He said he'll leave if I don't get my together (get a better paying job, study more, smile more), and I cried and I begged and I promised I'll do better. And I do try to do my best with whatever resources I got, it's just not much. I also wasn't living in the States for the most part, I kept domicile and a remote job, but I was mostly living abroad, so I don't know much on how lots of stuff works here myself, unfortunately. He's fluent in English, so I guess I quietly expected him to help me with figuring out the things he quietly expected me to already know.

Although I do empathize about the stressors you're clearly experiencing, I don't know what you expect the goals here to be.  Do you want him to change his attitude somehow?  Did you two discuss what your home life is to look like, review a realistic timeline on how to get there?  I feel like in only getting your side of the story, we're missing a lot of details.                   

 

By your account it sounds like he expects you to carry the two of you indefinitely and that he will set the parameters of your quality of life, when you are the one financially responsible.  Whether you are the sole earner or part of the equation post-EAD, you two must be aligned on how to meet goals together.  I'm honestly shocked that these ultimatums were presumably given prior to marriage, and you still went ahead with it.

 

Like everyone else is saying, you need to be decisive and work on a plan with him that is actually within your means now, and with a dual income in due time.  If he's not willing to work on those projections with you, then I'm sorry, you're going to have to bounce him.    

 

Truly astounded that in knowing someone a decade, these discussions haven't been had.

[KMG 69]

7 hours ago, antalia said:

So, these past days he's been torturing me with night monologues, every night around 2-3 am he starts talking out loud in the bedroom, just criticizing me to the open window, for the parents to possibly hear it from upstairs bedroom, complaining he's wasted money, years, and that he's been starving for days and I abuse him with controlling food access, and so on.

Passive aggressive behavior.

8 hours ago, antalia said:

Today's morning treatment is he's now demonstratively distancing himself with closed off doors. Can't believe it got here with my just not letting that one insult go

Passive aggressive behavior.  That is abuse.