I gotta say Thanks to you all

[Aymerlu 3]

Gosh Dee.....he is sounding more and more like my ex. It seems like he's trying to find a reason to freak out even more on you. Why does he feel it necessary to seach through all your old things? Does he feel like you're hiding something? Is he trying to piss you off even more so you will send him home? I wish I could do something or say something more, but this behavior is just wrong on all levels.

[Devil's_Advocate 0]

deemabrouk,

The following suggestion has to be some of the best advice (in regards to a sensitive personal situation) I've seen on VisaJourney in a very long time. Please call your Imam.

havent checked in ten years......... edit...

and nope

the Imam? Can you call him and ask if someone is available to come get him during the day and take him to the mosque to get away from the house & the computer? He needs to get out of there, and I know you probably don't want to spread your business too far, but it seems your imam is really great and on your side.

[JODO 2]

fighting again.......

now i'm a lesbian... but yet having sex with other men.....

he went through MORE of my old boxes in my closets...... boxes i have checked in 10 years

he found a forgien language book that had lesbian terms.... not for nothing it was 10 years old.. and it had 5 languages in it

Dee sounds like he has just too much time on his hands and his mind and idle hands are up to no good. Maybe some odd jobs around the house if he has this much free time. Did he ever check into volunteering? I feel for ya.

Good Luck

[ya falaha! 0]

I dunno, Jodo. My husband has a lot of time on his hands, too, but he doesn't go through my stuff and call me a lesbian. This is a way bigger problem than just idle hands.

[♥JP♥ 5]

I dunno, Jodo. My husband has a lot of time on his hands, too, but he doesn't go through my stuff and call me a lesbian. This is a way bigger problem than just idle hands.

Agreed

I don't think anyone should make excuses for his behavior at this point.

[JODO 2]

I dunno, Jodo. My husband has a lot of time on his hands, too, but he doesn't go through my stuff and call me a lesbian. This is a way bigger problem than just idle hands.

Agreed

I don't think anyone should make excuses for his behavior at this point.

Ya I know it is sort of "out there" behavior,but how could things go so downhill so fast? It just seems so unreal,but I know it is very real to Dee and her kids.

[♥JP♥ 5]

I dunno, Jodo. My husband has a lot of time on his hands, too, but he doesn't go through my stuff and call me a lesbian. This is a way bigger problem than just idle hands.

Agreed

I don't think anyone should make excuses for his behavior at this point.

Ya I know it is sort of "out there" behavior,but how could things go so downhill so fast? It just seems so unreal,but I know it is very real to Dee and her kids.

Yeah I think that is the shocking part of it but Dee is smart to see the signs so early on and not to stay quiet about it. Many women might experiance the same things but stay quiet in hopes that things will change. I think Dee is setting a great example for women here.

[JODO 2]

I think Dee is setting a great example for women here.

She sure is

[amal 4]

i dont know..... even if he DOES come around... i dont know if I can change.. he says I am like a stone now.. or my blood is ice..... Maybe it is.

Of course you are as stone to him. I know I would be. What he is doing is wrong and 100% unacceptable. I am worried about you and your children. He may not be a dangerous person but he is definitely putting your family in a very very bad situation. I don't like to tell anybody to give up on their relationship but I will tell you to be very careful. It could be any variety of things causing him to act this way so I can't say..ohh he's doing this coz of (insert reason here). Only you know your situation (as I've said before) and you can analyze it much better than any of us. I admire your strength in this. Don't let him go any further than he has already gone.

amal

[doodlebug 3]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that he didn't want to come here in the first place because he didn't want to leave his mother. Sure he loves Dee but he did NOT want to leave Egypt and everything that he knows. Because of that I think he is doing everything he can to make this fail. EVERYTHING.

What a shame too. A beautiful, smart wife, two beautiful stepsons, an extremely speedy visa process (for mena anyways), a promising future and wham he has to go and act like this and not even TRY to make things better.

I really think he's doing this all deliberately so that she will have to be the bad guy and kick him back to Egypt. I've seen it before where the SO is too weak to admit defeat so he tries to make the spouse into the bad guy by pushing all the buttons.

That's my 2 cents.

[morocco4ever 63]

What is wrong with some mens minds? You are his wife? To abuse you and accuse you of this #######...wow, just wow.

My husbands "friend" just lost his fiance to something similar. There was no physical abuse because she is here, but he has accused her of doing her sister and her dog. He based this on the way she talked to him when he called her. He said "she sounded too relaxed, like she just had sex". OMG, what kind of sick mind thinks of these things? His ex fiance was smart to cut the ropes now or he would be in your shoes.

I think calling the imam is an excellent idea. I wish there was something more I could do.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

i dont know..... even if he DOES come around... i dont know if I can change.. he says I am like a stone now.. or my blood is ice..... Maybe it is.

It sounds like ur reaction to him - distancing urself...sounds like a healthy reaction to a stressful situation and a normal response to protect yourself...I am worried about ur safety and I am sure you will trust ur instinct regarding ur personal safety...it might not hurt to have a safety plan in mind should a fight or argument get out of hand...I used to work for a crisis agency and would be happy to talk to you more about this if u feel/think it might be helpful..some suggestions and I dont know where things are at w/u and ur SO and if this is necessary.....however if ur fights have progressed to physical violence, it is important to have a safety plan that works for you, suggestions IMO - avoid fights in kitchen, know where ur exits are at all times, have method (code word of some sort) to communicate to another person u trust if you need help right away...this may not be needed and I hope its okay that I commented on this...but I am always concerned about safety when I hear what is being described as domestic violence..,you know the situation better than anyone else, follow ur gut and instinct and hang in there....

I am amazed, truly of ur strength here......Melinda

[Visa4habibi! 0]

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

How do you know the "other side?" Dee has been/is a hellofa women to even be putting up with this kind of #######. No woman or child should have to go through anything like this.

How do I know the "other side"? I wasn't born here, that's how. Neither was my ex. Everybody was adjusting differently. But not the way Dee's describing.

[Visa4habibi! 0]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

What are you even talking about? Have you not read any of Dee's posts about the problems she has been having? Do you think that she is upset because her husband looked at her "funny"? Your inability to understand the true problems that Dee is having is quite disturbing.

I am embarassed for you that you just posted that. Wow. Just wow.

Seriously Sarah, get a life! You spend way too much online! How's YOUR married life? Lucking something?

[maggieNomar 0]

Just checking in to see how things are going with you Dee. Like others here, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Sounds like you have plenty of support.

Visa: This is Dee's support thread. Please take your personal stuff to PM.

Edited August 10, 2007 by Maggie724