I gotta say Thanks to you all

[deemabrouk 0]

Grrrrr... I just wrote this huge long thing and it got erased oh well.. i"ll start again

I again I was moved by opening up VJ to see 11 pm's from the members honestly... It really touches me

Yesterday We were at the Imams office for 5 hours!!!!!!! It was nice because he told him he was WRONG in several issues. It was also nice that the Imam told my husband I am normal (he seems to think "no other woman/ wife acts the way I do" ) BUT he was then told I do act like anyother woman / wife... and the same goes for the kids... (he says the same thing about them too) The Imam said that it IS his intention to try and keep this relationship together.. but after hearing everything.. he said we were on Paper thin grounds.. He said he gives us One Week for ANY sign of improvement... He wants us to go back every week.. it was left that my husband needs to make Multiple improvements and I need to have more patience during this - trying not to get a tone in my voice when I have to deal with him

what else did I write........

my family has started expressing their concern for me and the kids... My mom got me on the phone saying she knows something is up... and this is not good.. almost begging for me to send him back to egypt.. My oldest son later that day I guess told her about mommies crying and the fights/ yelling I swear.. this talk from my kids breaks my heart

A VJ friend referred me to this book... which arrived to me next day

http://www.astrolabe.com/product/323/Bliss...amic_Guide.html

it is a great book good read... It helped me with alot of issues I was having conflicting to Islam and the position of a wife... all these things I did already KNOW.. but now were made doubtful due to the stuff my husband was saying.

he also seems to skim though to find what HE wants to point out... WITHOUT reading the full paragraph.. which then further explains What HE is supposed to do!!!!!!!!

but anyways.. I referr it to anyone who is interested... Even the NON muslims.. it helps explain the mind/ view point of a Muslim Husband

[Nasturtium 500]

Yay! It's good to see that you were backed up! Did he seem to want to absorb anything coming from the imam?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Alhamdulilah, I'm glad the imam was helpful for you all and that he laid it out for your husband that he needs to improve. You're very lucky to find someone like that. inshaAllah your husband will benefit greatly from the meetings and improve, or else you know that you've done everything you can and should have no regrets about shipping him off

Maybe bring the book with you to your next counseling session and see if the imam is familiar with it. There are several chapters that would provide an excellent basis for a counseling session - discussing what is written and seeing how each partner understands and wants to impliment the advice.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things improve for you and your kiddos. Would it be possible for them to stay with your mom for awhile?

[deemabrouk 0]

Yay! It's good to see that you were backed up! Did he seem to want to absorb anything coming from the imam?

yes and no..

but he was very quick to point out the tone in my voice this morning when he asked if I was coming home for lunch.. " ah.. NO!? i lost two days of work.. my boss is very upset at me there is NO way i can take a lunch"

*sigh*

[Nasturtium 500]

Well at least you got something... and that's better than nothing. I know it probably still feels like a fly against glass-- just not. quite. getting. it.

[deemabrouk 0]

Alhamdulilah, I'm glad the imam was helpful for you all and that he laid it out for your husband that he needs to improve. You're very lucky to find someone like that. inshaAllah your husband will benefit greatly from the meetings and improve, or else you know that you've done everything you can and should have no regrets about shipping him off

Maybe bring the book with you to your next counseling session and see if the imam is familiar with it. There are several chapters that would provide an excellent basis for a counseling session - discussing what is written and seeing how each partner understands and wants to impliment the advice.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things improve for you and your kiddos. Would it be possible for them to stay with your mom for awhile?

haha..

and I wish i could have them stay somewhere.. but that isnt a option.. plus.. if I was alone with him??!!

[sereia 0]

A VJ friend referred me to this book... which arrived to me next day

http://www.astrolabe.com/product/323/Bliss...amic_Guide.html

it is a great book good read... It helped me with alot of issues I was having conflicting to Islam and the position of a wife... all these things I did already KNOW.. but now were made doubtful due to the stuff my husband was saying.

he also seems to skim though to find what HE wants to point out... WITHOUT reading the full paragraph.. which then further explains What HE is supposed to do!!!!!!!!

but anyways.. I referr it to anyone who is interested... Even the NON muslims.. it helps explain the mind/ view point of a Muslim Husband

i also read that book last year when i was getting more serious with abdou. it helped me understand a woman's roll in a muslim marriage (even though i am not). but what HE might see me as. i also read a few others but this one was the best! good luck dee.

[maggieNomar 0]

Yay! It's good to see that you were backed up! Did he seem to want to absorb anything coming from the imam?

yes and no..

but he was very quick to point out the tone in my voice this morning when he asked if I was coming home for lunch.. " ah.. NO!? i lost two days of work.. my boss is very upset at me there is NO way i can take a lunch"

*sigh*

Ok so it's been 8 hours now since you posted that...any change?? I so want to hear that things are turning around.

[doodlebug 3]

Yay! It's good to see that you were backed up! Did he seem to want to absorb anything coming from the imam?

yes and no..

but he was very quick to point out the tone in my voice this morning when he asked if I was coming home for lunch.. " ah.. NO!? i lost two days of work.. my boss is very upset at me there is NO way i can take a lunch"

*sigh*

Ok so it's been 8 hours now since you posted that...any change?? I so want to hear that things are turning around.

I think she only posts from work now that he's here so we'll have to wait for tomorrow to see if things have gotten slightly better. Plenty of prayers going up Dee!

[Visa4habibi! 0]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm sorry for two things: what's happening to you and for not being able to read everything and find out what is going on. My two cents: you worked hard and waited for him to come over, right? Now it's not the best time for him - so called 'cultural shock' which I've experienced first hand! It's HUGE, girl! I bet you have no idea!

I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to understand that adjusting for two people of the same upbringing and from the same neighborhood would be not so easy! I'm sure if you talk to him somewhere away from home in a calm manner and try to explain things that bother you and how you want things to be for all of you would be better than arguing. I am not saying that I know MENA men very good or understand them too much, but they can be stubborn, also very emotional and hot-headed! And they like to feel like they are 'the boss'. It's up to you if you want to learn how to get what you want and how to keep him happy, totally up to you!

I could go on, but you don't need a lecture, girl. Just a little patience and time. Maybe some time alone with him so he wouldn't get jealous of your kids. And lots of talking on both sides when you're both calm. Hope this helps!

One more thing, maybe you should ask him nicely to do a few hard jobs around the house to keep him busy if he didn't start that by himself - he'll feel more useful and would have less time for looking for trouble.

Good luck, inshallah things will get better!

(((hugs)))

Tanya

There is a big difference between culture shock and being abusive.

I can say that I never experienced anything like Dee's husband is doing and my husband moved here from Morocco.

His behavior should not be chalked up to "culture shock". He is doing nothing to help Dee or her children whatsoever. He is only concerned with his "career". Why should she give him time and be so patient?

Even if it were culture shock... this is the United States of America. We don't legally abuse our spouses here nor tolerate making excuses for it.

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

What are you even talking about? Have you not read any of Dee's posts about the problems she has been having? Do you think that she is upset because her husband looked at her "funny"? Your inability to understand the true problems that Dee is having is quite disturbing.

I am embarassed for you that you just posted that. Wow. Just wow.

[Henia 11]

I have little clue what you are going throu Dee... I guess I missed alot... but you are right NO home should be warzone. I keep always thinking of my daughter. No matter what happens with the guy or INS... children always most important. I will pray for you sister... enchallah you will recieve ease in your time of distress. amin

[palilover 1]

he also seems to skim though to find what HE wants to point out... WITHOUT reading the full paragraph.. which then further explains What HE is supposed to do!!!!!!!!

salam

I hope the imam sessions work for you guys. It is a bit scarey to hear him say you are on paper thin grounds though:( but maybe hearing that will be a wakeup call for everyone involved to work on things and inshalalh for the better.

The fact taht he is looking at the book (even if to point out things in HIS favor) may be a good thing. It will at least open up some dialogue between you two. You can maybe use that as a stepping stone to help improve things.

I hope all is ok and things do work out. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

p.s. It's sad to hear about your kids though. They sound like they are afraid of what is gonig on. Is your mother local that they can maybe spend a weekend-or whatever days you may have off of work with-with her? If you can have a weekend or something with no work and the kids at her place, it will give you all the time with him with no distractions and it may help things too to have time for just you and him.)

[Aymerlu 3]

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

How do you know the "other side?" Dee has been/is a hellofa women to even be putting up with this kind of #######. No woman or child should have to go through anything like this.

[doodlebug 3]

Some people still shock me on this board and it's not a cultural shock! Next time your SO looks at you funny or does something wrong, why don't you send them packing and say, it's 'emotional abuse'? So, since I know the issue from the other side, I'm not allowed to talk here? How shocking!

THIS IS NOT TO THE OP, don't get me wrong.

How do you know the "other side?" Dee has been/is a hellofa women to even be putting up with this kind of #######. No woman or child should have to go through anything like this.