I gotta say Thanks to you all

[tnh9479 1]

I truly hope, regardless of what the outcome of your present situation is, that you, Dee, will find a good counselor. I am saying this from personal experience. I was with the most gigantic @sshole of all-time for four years. The stories I can tell. OMG. When I finally got up the nerve to leave him, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried for a day. The next day I immediately called and found a good counselor. I wanted to understand what exactly it was that led me to this crappy, emotionally abusive relationship so I would NEVER repeat it again. I wanted to break the cycle (as my dad was an abuser and my mom just stuck in there too). I want you to break the cycle for the sake of your children as well. I wish you all the best and just know there are a bunch of us here to support you.

Twila

[caybee 21]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

I'm certainly no expert on the region but just as an aside when I talked to my husband about this issue last night he asked where in Egypt he was from. I asked why that would matter and apparently he said this would be shocking if he grew up in the city of Alexandria itself, but if it were in a town only remotely close to Alex it wouldn't be that unheard of.

Also, while in Alex we were out on the balcony one night and heard fighting. We both got up and saw a man beating his wife. Well all of a sudden the wife stood up on the balcony ledge and jumped to her demise 7 or 8 floors below. People on the street scrambled and finally helped her onto an ambulance when it came and what did the guy who was beating her do??? Sat down and smoked a butt. Didn't even go down to see what the heck happened.

How awful!

[ya falaha! 0]

It is acceptable in Egypt but not here and most Egyptians (esp. younger ones) know that it's unacceptable here. My husband and I have had discussions about how spousal abuse is somewhat "normal" in Egypt. However, my husband knows it's not acceptable nor is it ever appropriate here (or elsewhere). He knew this before he met me. My FIL has abused my MIL in the past. This haunts my husband to this day (the abuse took place during his childhood). He still gets teary eyed when talking about it.

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

I'm certainly no expert on the region but just as an aside when I talked to my husband about this issue last night he asked where in Egypt he was from. I asked why that would matter and apparently he said this would be shocking if he grew up in the city of Alexandria itself, but if it were in a town only remotely close to Alex it wouldn't be that unheard of.

Also, while in Alex we were out on the balcony one night and heard fighting. We both got up and saw a man beating his wife. Well all of a sudden the wife stood up on the balcony ledge and jumped to her demise 7 or 8 floors below. People on the street scrambled and finally helped her onto an ambulance when it came and what did the guy who was beating her do??? Sat down and smoked a butt. Didn't even go down to see what the heck happened.

[peezey 0]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

I'm certainly no expert on the region but just as an aside when I talked to my husband about this issue last night he asked where in Egypt he was from. I asked why that would matter and apparently he said this would be shocking if he grew up in the city of Alexandria itself, but if it were in a town only remotely close to Alex it wouldn't be that unheard of.

Also, while in Alex we were out on the balcony one night and heard fighting. We both got up and saw a man beating his wife. Well all of a sudden the wife stood up on the balcony ledge and jumped to her demise 7 or 8 floors below. People on the street scrambled and finally helped her onto an ambulance when it came and what did the guy who was beating her do??? Sat down and smoked a butt. Didn't even go down to see what the heck happened.

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but it would be shocking in Alex yet you saw this in Alex?

[doodlebug 3]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

I'm certainly no expert on the region but just as an aside when I talked to my husband about this issue last night he asked where in Egypt he was from. I asked why that would matter and apparently he said this would be shocking if he grew up in the city of Alexandria itself, but if it were in a town only remotely close to Alex it wouldn't be that unheard of.

Also, while in Alex we were out on the balcony one night and heard fighting. We both got up and saw a man beating his wife. Well all of a sudden the wife stood up on the balcony ledge and jumped to her demise 7 or 8 floors below. People on the street scrambled and finally helped her onto an ambulance when it came and what did the guy who was beating her do??? Sat down and smoked a butt. Didn't even go down to see what the heck happened.

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but it would be shocking in Alex yet you saw this in Alex?

I don't think they lived there. This was in an area with hotels and flats that I assume were vacation rentals. I know what you're saying though but immediately my husband had said they're not from Alex.

[peezey 0]

I just want to add, there are many things "normal" in a culture that people still know are wrong. In the US maybe it's sex before marriage, drinking to excess, drinking and driving, cheating on taxes, cheating at anything, beating a wife.

The same goes for spousal abuse, not just here, but everywhere.

[deemabrouk 0]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

[doodlebug 3]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

Hmmmm.......well again I am not familiar (thank God) with this type of abuse BUT..........in my own personal experience with a different type of abuse that I endured in my youth, the only way I could actually live with it and still keep a relationship with the person is to convince myself that he does not know that he is doing this. That may or may not be true in my case, i.e. he may have multiple personalities, and to be quite honest I won't even go there in my mind to figure it all out until he dies because I don't have the strength to, but I have to say I'm leaning towards this being a total survival mechanism on my part....................and I have to think it's the same for you.

You are living with him so how on earth could you do that without freaking out in total panic 24/7 unless you tell yourself that he doesn't really "get it" and thereby the excuse is made for him, he's off the hook and you see him as "sick" instead of "bad".

Bottom line, sick or bad, the result is that you're living a life of hell and if he is indeed sick, unless he is willing to go seek professional (as in a doctor, not an imam) help, it's still going to be hell.

When you married him you married a totally different person. That person doesn't seem to exist anymore so you are totally in your rights to leave if need be. Like I said before in pm, although it's harder to do this when he's not being physical,...maybe it's best to let him go while things are quiet so that you can detach with love still.

[peezey 0]

doodle, that is a great observation. I know exactly what you mean, and when I was a child used this tactic to make sense of things in my head. Later as an adult I found out this particular abuser had violated many children, including his own, and it just clicked with me that, of course he knew what he was doing.

Dee, your husband isn't a dummy. Just because he is rationalizing (or lying about it) in his own head that he didn't do anything wrong, doesn't make it so.

Edited August 14, 2007 by peezey

[deemabrouk 0]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

Hmmmm.......well again I am not familiar (thank God) with this type of abuse BUT..........in my own personal experience with a different type of abuse that I endured in my youth, the only way I could actually live with it and still keep a relationship with the person is to convince myself that he does not know that he is doing this. That may or may not be true in my case, i.e. he may have multiple personalities, and to be quite honest I won't even go there in my mind to figure it all out until he dies because I don't have the strength to, but I have to say I'm leaning towards this being a total survival mechanism on my part....................and I have to think it's the same for you.

You are living with him so how on earth could you do that without freaking out in total panic 24/7 unless you tell yourself that he doesn't really "get it" and thereby the excuse is made for him, he's off the hook and you see him as "sick" instead of "bad".

Bottom line, sick or bad, the result is that you're living a life of hell and if he is indeed sick, unless he is willing to go seek professional (as in a doctor, not an imam) help, it's still going to be hell.

When you married him you married a totally different person. That person doesn't seem to exist anymore so you are totally in your rights to leave if need be. Like I said before in pm, although it's harder to do this when he's not being physical,...maybe it's best to let him go while things are quiet so that you can detach with love still.

this would be my best wish for our ending... but how to make that happen???

where's the chloroform????????

Edited August 14, 2007 by deemabrouk

[peezey 0]

this iss would be my best wish... but how to make that happen???

where's the chloroform????????

You need to take a deep breath, know that you are doing nothing wrong, and ask him to leave. Do what it takes to buy his plane ticket. And he has to go. If there are problems with this, you call the police. If you don't have a man or men who will come over to escort him out, the police are your only option. The Imam seems like a very reasonable man. You might consider calling him and asking what support system there is to get him out of the house and to the airport. You can also call domestic violence groups in your area and get their expert advice how to do this.

[doodlebug 3]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

honestly at this point i agree with sara...

I really dont think he "gets it" people have asked him.. Did you hit her.. and he says No.. but I honestly think HE thinks that is truthful.. maybe cause he is not punching or just slapping the ####### out of me.. that everything else is different..

Hmmmm.......well again I am not familiar (thank God) with this type of abuse BUT..........in my own personal experience with a different type of abuse that I endured in my youth, the only way I could actually live with it and still keep a relationship with the person is to convince myself that he does not know that he is doing this. That may or may not be true in my case, i.e. he may have multiple personalities, and to be quite honest I won't even go there in my mind to figure it all out until he dies because I don't have the strength to, but I have to say I'm leaning towards this being a total survival mechanism on my part....................and I have to think it's the same for you.

You are living with him so how on earth could you do that without freaking out in total panic 24/7 unless you tell yourself that he doesn't really "get it" and thereby the excuse is made for him, he's off the hook and you see him as "sick" instead of "bad".

Bottom line, sick or bad, the result is that you're living a life of hell and if he is indeed sick, unless he is willing to go seek professional (as in a doctor, not an imam) help, it's still going to be hell.

When you married him you married a totally different person. That person doesn't seem to exist anymore so you are totally in your rights to leave if need be. Like I said before in pm, although it's harder to do this when he's not being physical,...maybe it's best to let him go while things are quiet so that you can detach with love still.

this would be my best wish for our ending... but how to make that happen???

where's the chloroform????????

I wish I had a big bouncer type guy that could come with me to escort him to the airport after you explain that it's over to him...in our presence of course so that it cannot become violent. Could your family do something like this for you? (I have a feeling your mom might be on board with this idea ).

Sure it won't be all love and stuff when you do it and it will take a few months but eventually you will be able to look at some good times..............and if you can't maybe at that point you won't even want to..... You are young, beautiful, very intelligent, strong willed , funny and quite honestly have a LOT to offer any man that might want you.

[allousa 1]

How about all of us MENA chicks get on our dark clothing and ski masks and head up your way with a car load of baseball bats? If he won't leave peacefully...we'll "suggest" that he does!

[amal 4]

How about all of us MENA chicks get on our dark clothing and ski masks and head up your way with a car load of baseball bats? If he won't leave peacefully...we'll "suggest" that he does!

I had a total video image in my head of all of us in ski masks piled in the car. I actually laughed out loud at work and the co-workers were staring at me!!

Yeah, his sulking has GOT to end. He's just trying to lay on the guilt. You're not that stupid to fall for that #######. I like the police escort idea a lot. I don't know how open he is to discussion but 1 way you might try it is just plainly telling him that its not working out and you both are miserable so it would be best if he went home??? Just an idea.

amal

[deemabrouk 0]

over the weekend one of the Imams (the american one) WAS supposed to help escort him out... but the Imam stopped returning me and my families phone calls I am just disappointed.. let down

there are no men in the family... all are dead or could care less

and my mom would LOVE to but I would never want her in harms way... plus she has her own rage issues.. and things could get ugly

the Moroccian woman "friends" that interviened this weekend I doubt would help me actually get him out

I am gonna try and get us to have a Sit down with the Egyptian Imam... but I dont know to what extent that will help..

and my aunt is on the fence.. I almost feel she is taking his side.

I feel screwed from all around