I gotta say Thanks to you all

[ya falaha! 0]

I don't understand why you're molly coddling him at this point. Who cares what HE wants now. He chose his path the moment he started being abusive. He didn't come from under a rock, he knows that abusers can be arrested and sent to jail in the US. He knows that the cops could be called on him and he still chose to lay his hands on you. I'm sure he knows your past of being in an abusive relationship. The fact that he's now doing it to you shows his true colors. He's abusive and manipulative. Look at how he's manipulating you into believing that you're the bad guy and that you'll be ruining his life if he goes to jail or gets sent back to Egypt. This is not behavior that can be changed by a simple "intervention". You're right, this 100% sucks.

you guys are ALL RIGHT... I feel torn cause he doesnt want to leave.. and I dont want to ruin his life by calling the police.. Now that he has a second chance he should be putting his BEST FOOT Forward.. and he's not..

This 100% SUCKS....

[Caladan 19]

this woe-is-me-attitude is REALLY upsetting me. It is making me even more short in patience. And he gets to "prove his point" about my attitude problem.. cause technically he isnt "doing anything"

This is the 'I'm not touching you I'm not touching you' school of passive aggressiveness. Arg. I'm so sorry, dee.

[doodlebug 3]

I really hope that if anyone here has a spouse who hasn't come over yet and that they KNOW are potentially abusive thinks long and hard before bringing them over here. I hope that Dee's experience can be learned from. I don't think a lot of people really know the signs of abuse. Might be a good thread for someone to start who knows what they're talking about. I have no experience in this particular kind of abuse but it looks like some on here could help other people before they get into this same predicament.

[peezey 0]

Some of the excuses we often hear in these situations:

"But I invested so much time."

Ok, so you did. But guess what? There are good investments and there are bad investments. Sometimes you make a bad investment and you need to cut your losses. You don't continue to pour in resources, energy, your life into a bad investment.

"I gave him one more chance to get it right."

Really? Because one more chance never ever seems to be the last chance. Dee, your husband is already on his 2nd Last Chance. And, remember, you didn't 100% choose this Last Chance for him. And, it appears you were coerced into this 2nd Last Chance anyway, doesn't seem like it's your choice. So, is there ever an end to One Last Chance?

[sarah and hicham 3]

you guys are ALL RIGHT... I feel torn cause he doesnt want to leave.. and I dont want to ruin his life by calling the police.. Now that he has a second chance he should be putting his BEST FOOT Forward.. and he's not..

This 100% SUCKS....

the bandaid is getting ripped off at a snails pace

Of course he doesn't want to leave!

If he does though just know that it's not your fault, it's a result of his actions towards you and you have a family to protect.

I agree with everyone that he needs to leave. I really hope for your sake that you can find the strength to end it.

Good luck.

[deadbird 2]

I really hope that if anyone here has a spouse who hasn't come over yet and that they KNOW are potentially abusive thinks long and hard before bringing them over here. I hope that Dee's experience can be learned from. I don't think a lot of people really know the signs of abuse. Might be a good thread for someone to start who knows what they're talking about. I have no experience in this particular kind of abuse but it looks like some on here could help other people before they get into this same predicament.

Ah, but KNOWING before you bring him here is the tough thing to pinpoint. How many guys (any nationality) wine and dine their girlfriends until they get married and then the party's over?

Dee, cutting ties and getting him out and getting your life back together will be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do but it can be done and I know you're strong enough to do it. Don't start making excuses now because the more you do it, the more control over you he'll get. The longer you wait, the harder it will be...when I was in a similar situation and got out of it, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner.

Please take care of yourself, you're stronger than you think.

[JODO 2]

you guys are ALL RIGHT... I feel torn cause he doesnt want to leave.. and I dont want to ruin his life by calling the police.. Now that he has a second chance he should be putting his BEST FOOT Forward.. and he's not..

This 100% SUCKS....

the bandaid is getting ripped off at a snails pace

Of course he doesn't want to leave!

If he does though just know that it's not your fault, it's a result of his actions towards you and you have a family to protect.

I agree with everyone that he needs to leave. I really hope for your sake that you can find the strength to end it.

Good luck.

[Devil's_Advocate 0]

deemabrouk,

I admire your strength and tenacity, you are a shining example for many of your peers here at VJ. How have you explained this to your children? How are they handling this at the moment? I'm sorry that you've had to experience this level of pain.

you guys are ALL RIGHT... I feel torn cause he doesnt want to leave.. and I dont want to ruin his life by calling the police.. Now that he has a second chance he should be putting his BEST FOOT Forward.. and he's not..

This 100% SUCKS....

the bandaid is getting ripped off at a snails pace

[mybackpages 0]

Ah, but KNOWING before you bring him here is the tough thing to pinpoint. How many guys (any nationality) wine and dine their girlfriends until they get married and then the party's over?

It can be difficult for sure- but there are some things we can do to protect ourselves.

Work on our self esteem so that it does nto take a sweet talking man to make us feel worth

Build IRL relationships so that loneliness does not become overpowering

Take your time in moving forward in the relationship- why do engagements an marriages happen so quickly areond here?

now your own self well- what do you want in a partner? What vasliues will you not compromise on?

Spend time with your MENA SO in his setting, his freinds, his family as much as possible. I know its hard to travel- americans do nto have a lot of vacation time and it is expensive....but isnt takin gyoru time better than riskin gthe mistake?

I've said it before. I'm saying it again. marriage is a contract between two people. Love is nice, but its not enough.

[Caladan 19]

Knowing the person and his culture well, without blinders. And don't let immigration become the reason you rush into a serious commitment.

I admire you ladies, because I personally would not be able to date someone from so different a culture with any kind of language barrier because I would be constantly worried that I was setting myself up for a surprise. C. and I met in 2003, with no cultural differences to speak of, and it took me a long time to be sure, even with us spending about three months a year together.

[sara535 15]

Unfortunately much of his behavior is perfectly acceptable in Egypt so of course he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Sad to say but I think this is a point really worth paying attention to. I am in NO WAY defending or condoning because Lord knows, I wouldnt stay with an abuser but I DO think this and the other situations we have seen are a weird little offshoot of a cultural phenomonen. His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong. Dee perhaps from his perspective you really ARE mouthy and full of attitude and he could be puzzled as to why he cant control you..

I dont beleive all MENA men are like this as I am married to an extremely openminded man who loves and appreciates my spirit and will, but its true that there are many from that part of the world who believe the man operates by completely different rules than women. I dated a guy like this for a while a few years ago and after some time it became clear that it was never going to be resolved. Dee if your husband is from this 'old school' I think you are just fighting a losing battle. No amount of counseling or intervention is going to be able to change his view if he truly thinks he is right and you are just causing trouble and speaking out of turn. He may never be able to adjust to a western style wife.

[allousa 1]

Dee - First and foremost, HE CHOOSE his own actions...NOT YOU! You are not in any way responsible for his behavior. Abusive people (men and women) are pros at manipulating the situation to deflect any responsibility to themselves. I truly believe that even if he were to get agressive therapy, you still shouldn't be there with him.

I think for anyone that is in a relationship, it is IMPERATIVE that you establish your boundaries right off the bat. IMO, when you set these boundaries, those people that "look" for people they can easily manipulate give up pretty quickly.

My husband knows that if he ever laid a finger on me that I would kick his azz!!!!!! Just say'in....

[Krikit 1,164]

Don't start making excuses now because the more you do it, the more control over you he'll get. The longer you wait, the harder it will be...when I was in a similar situation and got out of it, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner.

The Sparrow is correct. "Control" is the operative word here. Everything he is doing right now is to gain control over you. The longer he can remain in the situation, the more time he has to break down your self esteem and have you doubting yourself. Get out now.

[peezey 0]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

[doodlebug 3]

His behaviour IS acceptable to some degree where he comes from and its certainly possible he really DOES NOT think he is doing anything wrong.

I have to totally disagree with this. He knows very well what he is doing. And he knows it's wrong.

I'm certainly no expert on the region but just as an aside when I talked to my husband about this issue last night he asked where in Egypt he was from. I asked why that would matter and apparently he said this would be shocking if he grew up in the city of Alexandria itself, but if it were in a town only remotely close to Alex it wouldn't be that unheard of.

Also, while in Alex we were out on the balcony one night and heard fighting. We both got up and saw a man beating his wife. Well all of a sudden the wife stood up on the balcony ledge and jumped to her demise 7 or 8 floors below. People on the street scrambled and finally helped her onto an ambulance when it came and what did the guy who was beating her do??? Sat down and smoked a butt. Didn't even go down to see what the heck happened.