Fiance in US, but deciding not to get married

[Davidvj 0]

you are covered pretty much just play your cards right.

[LASPENCE 0]

She has a friend here that came here last year and got married to an american.

My Fiance got here 5 weeks ago and the plan that I told her when she got here was that we would get married 3rd week of August. But

now for the last 2 weeks she is trying to insist that we get married immediately, if not she wants to leave. We are still within the 90

day period. She has it in her mind that I must be playing games with her. I've done everything I can to reassure her, but I do not

want to be forced into a marriage when there are issues with the relationship.

As I stated, she is yelling alot and has even woken me up in the middle of my sleep yelling and hitting me.

We've have gotten along well before, but this is a new side which I am worried about.

BTW: I tried to get her started with english about a year ago in Colombia, but she gave up after a month saying that they did not

speak and teach her the correct english.

Some of the problem started with she started talking with her friend and her asking why we have

not gotten married yet? Her friend came here last year. Her friend got her thinking that I am

playing games with her, which is not true.

i dont get it, her friend came here last year and now you still arent married. we're not getting enough info to answer you correctly. is the 90 days up? was that up last year? is the 90 days still in effect? why arent you married already? you should know she will have a hard time if she speaks NO english. why didnt you have her learning english during the process? it seems to me from your posting that you just want to get rid of her and send her back. you are responsible for her financially until she leaves. call the uscis and tell them you want to stop the process.

Chris

welcome to a colombia woman world my friend my wife and i had thoses arguements ,you truly have to understand colombia women are very emotional women they will give you the love and support you need. colombia women have never been in charge in a relationship the men in colombia very disrepectful to the colombia women the women in colombia heart are very hurt and weak from pass relationship so let her live life again so marry her ahora don't wast no time build that security for her now and she will be your forever.your a very lucky hombre i can't wait for my wife to come to the usa from colombia.

[caro06 0]

i was suggesting you to take her to english classes since she decided to live in the USA with you, she HAS to speak english

but i've seen you already made that effort and she didnt made the effort to learn

i feel sorry for you

i'm french and i'm gonna marry my fiancé as soon as i get my K1 but i know i'll have some moments when i miss my country or my family but i know, as your fiancée should realise, that my fiance, and you obviously, is engaged and honest with me

why would he go through this long, stressing and costly visa process then

going through this visa process is for me a great evidence of love from both sides

i hope everything is gonna settle itself as smoothly as possible for you

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

your story sound really weird actually.

I cannot understand that your fiancee is not trying to make the best out of the situation.

She should have know from the beginning that it will not be easy for her leaving her family and start a new life with you.

But to sit there and ###### and complain is not making things better but worse.

You should ask her what she expected out of the relationship/marriage.

I hope for you guys things work out fine if things cannot be settled (even though it is sad to say) then you should better

cancel the petition before you become a victim of visa fraud.

Good luck to you!!!

[Clarky and Tarah 0]

Did you explain to her that you have 90 days to marry? I think you should reconsider your marriage (I don't mean NOT get married, I just mean think about it) since you guys are having some issues with trust. That's not a good way to start a marriage. Have you asked her exactly what her friend told her? Maybe if you knew you could give her some reassurance that you aren't playing games with her. I don't understand how she could think that. You went through all the work of helping her obtain a fiance visa, what could give her the idea that you were throwing away all that time and money just to play a joke on her and hurt her?

I think you definitely need to talk to her about this. If you can't work it out then I think you should contact USCIS and send her home.

[wingnut 0]

She is waking you up in the middle of the night yelling and hitting you!

My god man this woman has some mental problems. Send her back now. It will only get worse.

[rathroth 0]

I think you are getting cold feet.

Marry her already.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

She is waking you up in the middle of the night yelling and hitting you!

My god man this woman has some mental problems. Send her back now. It will only get worse.

Insecurity, anxiety and being in completely different place where you don't really know anyone nor speak their language - that would do a number on anyone of us. Not excusing her negative behavior, but the OP needs to compare it to how she was back home during his monthly visits. I would do whatever I could to alleviate her insecurity and anxiety - getting her enrolled in English classes as someone recommended, introducing her to other Colombians in the area, introducing her to my friends, getting involved with the local church. I'd also reconsider the original plan of waiting to marry if that is one of her biggest anxieties.

[*JG* 2]

Are you sure that she thinks you aren't going to marry her? I ask that because I am kind of wondering if she and her friend are making some sort of "plans" and they are thinking the quicker you marry, the quicker they can move those plans along. Make sure you aren't being duped here.

[JenT 0]

Talk about diverse advice! You are right to reconsider. Consider whether you will appease her jealousy via marriage or whether it will get worse... she doesn't speak English and will always feel as if she's an outsider unless she takes some ownership of her situation as well. You're both feeling threatened... take some time to communicate. Don't rush into marriage thinking that you will appease her that way. Of course, you know that. There's no excuse for hitting someone... think long and hard about how she handles her feelings of frustration and be prepared to make some tough decisions. The Affadavit of Support you signed to bring her here is not legally binding, however, I would personally feel some obligation to support until the person I was with until they either left the country or moved out.

Jen

Edited August 6, 2007 by JenT

[rebeccajo 14]

Based on what I have read - you should contact the USCIS to cancel any paperwork that is in progress and then when her 90 days is up and you haven't married yet, they will send her back to her country. For what it's worth if you don't think that it will work out in the long run - let her go. There are many more women out there.

Between the time the K1 is issued and AOS is applied for, there is no paperwork in progress.

If you do not marry within 90 days and there appears to be no resolution to the situation, your fiance should return to her country. If she does not leave the country, you should inform USCIS in writing that you and she have not married. No need to go into long details - just inform them of the facts and give them her last known residence in the US. Reference your I129F case number, her consulate case number, and her visa number in your correspondence.

USCIS doesn't 'send' people back home. If she allows the situation to progress to the point where they do have to locate her and deport her, your actions above will help document that you were not complicent in any scheme for her to come here fraudulently.

[Mags 112]

Eek! I would be pretty mad too if I left my country with the assumption that I would be getting married and then my fiance was saying things like, "I do not want to be forced into a marriage when there are issues with the relationship." There are always going to be "issues" with a relationship. You promised her marriage, took her through the visa process and now saying that you don't think it will work out in the long run. Instead of making her out to be the crazy one, you should have a little sympathy for her and look at things from her point of view and try to allay her fears. Her fears and insecurity clearly seems to be justified because all you want to do is dump her.

The OP did not say to his fiance "I do not want to be forced into a marriage where there are issues with the relationship". He said that to the people on VJ as a way of providing some insight into his current state of mind. His fiance is the one who is freaking out on him - not wanting to wait until the third week of August, which was their initial plan, to marry (well within the timeframe requirements, and some people wait until day 89 for their own personal reasons). She is the one saying they need to get married immediately or she wants to leave, which appears to based on something her friend in the US said to her (I imagine it was something like i.e. if he doesn't marry you right now, he'll never marry you"). She is the one accusing him of "playing games with her" and she is the one who has woken him up in the middle of the night, yelling and hitting him. He has already explained that he has "tried to reassure, but she has it in her mind that I must be in a relationship with some other girl. It is not true and not possible since I spend all my time with her"

Read the post clearly before you pounce on him and give the guy a break. It's well within his right to seek information on how he will be affected if the relationship does not work out.

Agreed. Could we please keep assumptions out of this thread? Thanks.

[Medellin2007 0]

I appreciate everyone's input here. Thanks.

I really do care about her and would like to work it out. I really want to make sure that we can

work thru problems and have trust in each other before we get married.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I appreciate everyone's input here. Thanks.

I really do care about her and would like to work it out. I really want to make sure that we can

work thru problems and have trust in each other before we get married.

Trust, IMO, is on a spectrum. Also, insecurity can really do a number on even the most rational and logical of minds. Trying to minimize her insecurity would go a long way in helping her believe she is safe in your care.

[Craig_Karina 0]

Hmmmm...let me see if I have this straight? First, your fiance has "no friends" and now she has "a friend" advising her what to do in her relationship with YOU? She speaks no english...yet, has had a year to learn and did not apply herself? You speak fluent Spanish...why didn't you help her? Surely you must have emphasized that we speak English in the USA? And, she wakes up in the middle of the night and starts hitting you and yelling at you? Dude...you had better do the "waking up!" There is NO EXCUSE for hitting anyone...man or woman...EVER!!! You...meaning BOTH of you have 90 days to decide to marry! Having an "ultimatum" IMHO is not the way to start things out. Should you marry "immediately" is this going to go away and whatever the trust issues are...they are going to disappear? Something seems to be missing in this post!

So, you went through a year of dating and seeing this woman on a monthly basis...and none of this surfaced until she is in the USA? And, you went through 6 - 8 months of getting her on the fiance' VISA...and the related expenses. You join VisaJourney in June...with no timeline, no profile, no photos and one previous post...and you ask for advice from everyone here? And, you get 20+ replies...all giving you good advice. The best of which is...send her home!!! Do yourself...and your country a favor. Put her on a plane and send her back to Medellin. Write a note to USCIS and tell them "it just didn't work out!" Keep a copy.

Regards,

Craig