Waiting for a NOA2 from CSC for your I-129F?

[u2rsobad 0]

Congratulations to May filers Team J and B who got their NOA2 yesterday (after 243 days!) It's about time CSC woke up and finished the rest of the May filers! Edited January 30, 2008 by u2rsobad

[TBoneTX 44,679]

Yeah Tbone. I hope that all went well....

Well... we had The Talk. Your comments are welcomed, but please avoid quoting the whole thing below, si man, out of courtesy for bandwidth and fellow posters. If my evaluation of the situation is full of #######, please feel free to say same.

I was dimly aware before -- and, now, there's no doubt -- that I should have visited her earlier and more often. Because of the type of person she is (active, involved, hands-on), she could not sustain her feelings through just phone and e-mail, and now she has lost her enthusiasm for this kind of relationship, and, by extension, for the idea of marrying me. Her burning desire was never simply to come to the U.S. (She had indicated her dissatisfaction with the remote arrangement in the past, but I merely heard it and failed to LISTEN -- and, more important, to act.)

Her intent is to spend some time (a couple of years, she started off saying, but maybe less) finishing school and continuing with her business (which is doing well and is just what she needed). Had I visited more often, and had the infernal USCIS taken the more usual 4+ months instead of 6+, we'd have been doing well. She does not want to follow through on anything that would risk a short-term marriage being ended by divorce, meaning her arriving in the U.S. with doubts about being ready for a life here.

As usual, our conversation was mutually very respectful; her overriding concern was not to hurt me. She was very surprised, perhaps borderline-astonished, that I was not mad at all; I told her sincerely that my reaction was precisely because I DO love her enough to want what will be best for her, whether it includes me or not. Without prompting, she also admitted that she might, in the future, determine that she had made a terrible mistake by passing me up.

The door is slightly open, because (after I raised several variables about how to give her more time -- not a couple of years, but a number of months, all of which she was surprised to learn about) she volunteered that her feelings or her mind may change. In the meantime, however, we are officially on hiatus at best; we agreed to live our respective lives without expectation (pressure, as things stand) of daily contact, and see how we feel after time. I told her, and she agreed, that when the consulate ultimately sets an interview date, I would tell her of it, and she would be free to appear there or to tell me that it won't happen. (I didn't think to tell her that it is apparently possible to reschedule such appointments, for valid reason, almost indefinitely in 4-month increments. I must investigate this. However, maybe it is better simply to inform her of the consulate appointment when it is scheduled, and, if she wishes to attend it, to remind her that she would then have 6 months to act on the visa. She had assumed that action was required in 3 months.)

After our talk, and after telling her to be alert for stuff from me, I prepared what turned out to be a very thick DHL package with all of the things (cards, trinkets, clippings) that I had been saving for her. If things ultimately don't work out, I'll find a way to send her the remaining larger things that I retain. She didn't want me to go to the expense of a DHL, but I reminded her that the last regular mail (with fotos and a romantic card) didn't reach her, so she understood and appreciated this.

What has not changed: She remains exactly the classy human being that I perceived all along, and (when we WANT) we can communicate and agree/compromise better than perhaps 99.44% of all other couples. It would be beyond a crying shame to lose that, especially if her needs and concerns can be dealt with so that they can be met with me also in the picture. But, I'll wait awhile before suggesting anything, and I will emphasize that I will not need any answers immediately or even at all.

It remains to be seen whether her mind and feelings will change. Meanwhile, I will let her proceed with her business; I will let other thoughts and activities seep into what is probably the actual or pending raw chasm of my heart; and I will (at her suggestion earlier in the conversation) not automatically turn down social opportunities from female-type-women-of-the-opposite-sex (a triple redundancy?) if one of same is interested in me. (However, I don't plan to actively seek these.) And, I know that C. does NOT have anyone else, at her side or in mind.

Last night and today, I was and am feeling a combination of fairly clear acceptance and some numbness (or pre-assimilation of all factors and implications). However, my stomach is one of the biggest wrecks that it's been in recent memory -- quite a dichotomy between head and gut that I can't quite figure out. The only "wet eyes" have come when I consider what a sweetheart of a person she is.

I would NEVER let her stand in the rain.

[mox 298]

Well... we had The Talk.

[TBoneTX 44,679]

Well... we had The Talk.

I just want everyone to know that Mox has been totally the greatest, but then we all already know that, si man.

[LuciansGirl 0]

So sorry to hear that TBoneTX. You made my eyes water... I hope everything works out for the best for you and your SO.

[u2rsobad 0]

Well... we had The Talk.

You say she's classy, but you're quite the gentleman. I hope the best for both of you

[TBoneTX 44,679]

So sorry to hear that TBoneTX. You made my eyes water... I hope everything works out for the best for you and your SO.

Save the watery eyes for places experiencing drought, perhaps, but thanks. I want the SO to get what is best for her.

[TBoneTX 44,679]

You say she's classy, but you're quite the gentleman. I hope the best for both of you

I remember experiencing a similar busted romance when I was around 21 years old, and someone said, "Keep being a good guy -- it'll pay off." Your flattering words are part of the payoff. Thanks.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

well fark

I'm just - well, lots of things, but mainly sorry

xx

[TBoneTX 44,679]

well fark

I'm just - well, lots of things, but mainly sorry

xx

You're mainly The Prettiest. Remember to light some matches to burn off the fark.

[Jeraly 4]

TBone - I would offer commiserations and a shoulder but I must say that from your post I think that is great news... Ok - let me explain because that sounds really bad I never was one for words - I am pretty useless...

When you were discussing having "The Talk" I was dreading you coming back and saying it was over, that she wasn't interested anymore and that her feeling had changed. The fact that you both continue to be so strong and independent yet still love each other is a lesson to us all.

Ok so right now you don't feel so great - you don't know how things are going to work out. But the fact that you are giving her the time and space she feels she needs right now can only work in your favour if it is meant to be. If she decides to go to interview you are right, she has six months to make up her mind. If she decides to give it a go then she has a further three months living with you to make any final decisions...

Have you considered moving to be with her at all? Maybe right now isn't the time but it might be worth thinking about for the future if moving to the US is something she really doesn't want to do.

Don't be a stranger. Everything happens for a reason - I read Kazan Tiger's story and it's not unlike yours. My own story again involves getting with the person I loved, parting ways then ending up here

Never lose hope

*hugs*

[mox 298]

You make a good point Aly. If both partners truly want to find a way to make it work (and it sounds like TB at least does), there are always options. The trick is to discover what those options are, and then decide if it can happen.

I've talked with Kazan Tiger about his story before too, and I'd encourage anyone going through this process to go read the link Aly provided. It's thought-provoking to say the least. If that marriage doesn't last, it'll only be because KT left his shoes on the bed one too many times.

In the meantime TB, go find a mime and punch him out. You'll feel a little better and not a jury on the planet will convict you.

[TBoneTX 44,679]

TBone - I[...] I never was one for words - I am pretty useless... Never lose hope

Thanks, Aly; this is good food for thought, and your story and that of KazanTiger are inspirational. I don't know whether she still loves me; also, and this is a rather complex sidebar, Latina women tend to have a different way of deciding on a mate -- it has to do with evaluating how someone treats them, and how respected/protected/taken care of they perceive that they will be. If these questions are satisfied, and they decide to proceed, the process is one of "growing in love" over time. This is an oversimplified generalization, but it has to factor in.

Perhaps C. ultimately concluded that my failure to visit her even once since June diminished the "respect" that I had for her... or, even more simply, that a phone/e-mail relationship wasn't as "real" as living her life actively (as stated). However, she is no dummy, and perhaps our frank chat plus the sappy-drippy stuff in her DHL will cause her to reflect. One thing that we never really discussed was how to integrate her goals of NOW into a newly begun life in the Estados Unidos. Depending on upcoming reactions, or after waiting due time, I may broach the subject with some ideas, of course emphasizing her freedom to consider or ignore them.

I can't go to live with her, but I did begin my call to her with the offer to take her to Valentine's Day dinner in Ecuador, courtesy of permission to take time off work during crunch period. Trouble is, I awakened her (she denied it, but I know!), and I'm not sure that the offer registered before we got into the meat of the talking. I could just show up in Ecuador as a surprise, but she travels so much that I'd risk being there when she wasn't. Maybe I'll simply trust that the call, the DHL, and elapsed time will clarify things for her... although, if this all came about because I wasn't there with her, how could it improve if I still don't visit her? That's an aspect that I'm still wrasslin' (Texan for "wrestling") with.

Finally, Dear, you are NOT useless; rather, you are sweet, thoughtful, witty, and beautiful. And you are not poor for words when you paraphrase one of Britain's greatest, Winnie Churchhill (two h's?): "Never quit!" That is, if it is permissible for a mere Colonist to quote Winnie, si man.

In the meantime TB, go find a mime and punch him out.

I prefer going to the park to mutilate squirrels, or pulling the legs off ants and putting them in water and watching them sink, but I like how you think, sir, si man!

[Jeraly 4]

Haha - well maybe you could liase with some of her compadres and find out where she is nearer the time then fly down and surprise her. Maybe even call her just before you are due to fly and explain that you would love to see her even if it is briefly and only as friends as you admire her and enjoy her company...

I think I have already said it someplace else but nothing ventured, nothing gained You of course know her better than I - she might freak out about that for all I know but

[mox 298]

I could just show up in Ecuador as a surprise, but she travels so much that I'd risk being there when she wasn't.

Surprise visits to try to re-kindle a relationship are a bad idea. Ask me how I know. Wait. Don't. Just take it from me, it's a bad idea. It doesn't work like in the movies. It's awkward, she feels cornered while you stand there looking like an idiot with a bouquet of flowers as the rest of the family reunion looks on, and the long bus ride home is miserable, mostly because you feel like a complete jackass, but also because the crazy dude next to you smells like Scope and burlap. If you can swing a visit, and she's genuinely up for it, then it's a great idea. But don't do the surprise visit. (Not that I think you were planning to, it's just that I wanted to shut down that particular neuron path before it started to coagulate.)

Edited January 30, 2008 by mox