Childsupport

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

I am together with my husband here in USA and there are things I really don't understand about childcare and support.

He and his ex have shared custody over their son, but son is living with his dad.

Since mom is living in another state they agree about that she shall pay every second year for the travel to this state she is living in.

Since she seems to be poor she can never afford this and jump over her agreement this year she should suppose to have her son.

There are other things that is very nessesary for this son to be done, example dentist and doctor

I have a hard time to understand why she isn't responsible too some of those payments since she still have her part custody.

My husband have this attitude that he won't bother her since he is afraid to do something wrong because of their son.

Now I wanna know what his rights are and the rules for having shared custody.

I am from Denmark and we are not use to this way of behavior that easy from the other parent.

Every experience on this is very appreciated.

Anette

[JenT 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

[Emancipation 2]

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

[JenT 0]

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

Good for you... I wish my ex's wife had the same attitude.

Keep in mind, Mrs. Bird that every state has its own guidelines and beyond that, every couple's agreement is different... it all depends on what's been negotiated. There is no 'rule' about custody or child support.

Jen

Edited August 2, 2007 by JenT

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

[JenT 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

Well, then I suggest you do what you need to do to see that the boy properly cared for now at least... you may have some legal recourse, but your husband would have to talk to an attorney.

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

If he's willing to be responsible, why is it a problem for you?

[Emancipation 2]

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

I hear you really I do.... in our situation, my husband is thinking long term- where I tend to think short term. My husband wants to do everything in his ability to provide and take care of his children, and make sure they know that he is there for them and loves them. I get frustrated by some of the games etc. but he just does what he can to accommodate and I can say in all honesty he is doing everything he can to live in peace and keep the lines of communication and parenting open.

Even if I would do things differently, it's a worthy goal in my opinion. I am more of a disturber.. but he is a peacemaker. Some would call that being easy, but I have seen his methods work, and I know that good comes out of doing good.

[*JG* 2]

I think as long as your husband is able to go along with whatever they have worked out in the paperwork and verbally work out, WITHOUT arguing around the child or using him/her as a pawn, it is a good thing. My ex and I constantly negotiate different types of payments and depending on who is in a better financial situation at the time, we swap and share a lot of expenses. We only followed the paperwork at the beginning and now when we cannot agree on an issue. It is in the best interest of my children to get along with their father. Sometimes a little financial issue is not worth the permanent damage.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

Well, then I suggest you do what you need to do to see that the boy properly cared for now at least... you may have some legal recourse, but your husband would have to talk to an attorney.

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

If he's willing to be responsible, why is it a problem for you?

I saw his son being devastated this summer vacation because she should pay for seing him.

She couldn't. And only 2 weeks before she told that she couldn't.

And thats where my point is.

She expected him to pay for this planeticket as he usually do when she can't.

But now since I am an extra expense for him until I am getting my workpermit he can't do anything.

But I must admit that since we are together now with our shared money.

Then I am not this person who will pay for her poor life that easy.

I am sorry , but it makes me angry

[*JG* 2]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

Well, then I suggest you do what you need to do to see that the boy properly cared for now at least... you may have some legal recourse, but your husband would have to talk to an attorney.

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

If he's willing to be responsible, why is it a problem for you?

I saw his son being devastated this summer vacation because she should pay for seing him.

She couldn't. And only 2 weeks before she told that she couldn't.

And thats where my point is.

She expected him to pay for this planeticket as he usually do when she can't.

But now since I am an extra expense for him until I am getting my workpermit he can't do anything.

But I must admit that since we are together now with our shared money.

Then I am not this person who will pay for her poor life that easy.

I am sorry , but it makes me angry

I do understand. I have had some financial issues with my MIL expecting us to send money back to JA. Same basic theory.

I'd say it is time for you to really sit down your husband and talk this out with him. Explain exactly why you feel like you do and see what he has to say. Maybe he doesn't see that this woman is walking all over him.

[JenT 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

Well, then I suggest you do what you need to do to see that the boy properly cared for now at least... you may have some legal recourse, but your husband would have to talk to an attorney.

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

If he's willing to be responsible, why is it a problem for you?

I saw his son being devastated this summer vacation because she should pay for seing him.

She couldn't. And only 2 weeks before she told that she couldn't.

And thats where my point is.

She expected him to pay for this planeticket as he usually do when she can't.

But now since I am an extra expense for him until I am getting my workpermit he can't do anything.

But I must admit that since we are together now with our shared money.

Then I am not this person who will pay for her poor life that easy.

I am sorry , but it makes me angry

You have a right be upset because your stepson was hurt, but if you try to get in the middle of this, you will regret it.

If you haven't had a conversation about finances with your husband, then that would be my next suggestion. You can't expect him to back out of his obligation to his son because you are in his life. Keep your money separate then, so you know what money is going where.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Custody arrangements and child support should all be documented in his divorce decree. Defaulting on child support can result in legal action, but if your husband is willing to accept things the way they are, there's nothing you can do about it. This is between him and his ex.

They weren't married and I do see on his papers that there are no other agreements. I am afraid he has been a chicken when they split

Well, then I suggest you do what you need to do to see that the boy properly cared for now at least... you may have some legal recourse, but your husband would have to talk to an attorney.

I'm no expert either, but I know with my husband it's all spelled out very plainly in the agreement.

He pays for xxx / month for the children in child support payments

He pays for the health premiums 100%

he pays for 50% of the expenses that the health insurance doesn't cover

On top of that he pays extra (voluntarily) for therapy/ school etc. that are not covered directly in the agreement.

I know he & his ex wife negotiate a lot of the stuff that's not in the agreement themselves instead of going to a lawyer every time. You might want to ask your hubby to go over the child support agreement with you (he will have a copy) so you understand as well as give you some direction as to how they sort out the children's expenses between he & his ex wife. If something in the agreement is not being upheld you have the right to go to see a lawyer and fight for it (although you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - bad blood, increase in child support etc if the rules of the state have changed etc.)

My hubby travels on our dime each and every time we go to see his children (16hr drive one way), i didn't know that stuff could be negotiated in an agreement.. interesting

Just some of my thoughts.. it's hard as wife #2 (esp when you don't have children yourself), but I value my husband's relationship with his children, and I respect that he and his ex wife are raising 2 beautiful children and try to do everything I can to support & keep out of the way of that. I want us to work this out as adults. My husband has done everything in his power to make sure that happens.

I am afraid that my husband were too soft when he made those agreements. He is such a good dad that he is afraid to do anything between his son and his mom.

I really appreciate that he is such a great dad. But sometimes it seems for me that he is giving up too easy.

I feel that he sometimes are cheating himself to be too good OMG LOL

If he's willing to be responsible, why is it a problem for you?

I saw his son being devastated this summer vacation because she should pay for seing him.

She couldn't. And only 2 weeks before she told that she couldn't.

And thats where my point is.

She expected him to pay for this planeticket as he usually do when she can't.

But now since I am an extra expense for him until I am getting my workpermit he can't do anything.

But I must admit that since we are together now with our shared money.

Then I am not this person who will pay for her poor life that easy.

I am sorry , but it makes me angry

You have a right be upset because your stepson was hurt, but if you try to get in the middle of this, you will regret it.

If you haven't had a conversation about finances with your husband, then that would be my next suggestion. You can't expect him to back out of his obligation to his son because you are in his life. Keep your money separate then, so you know what money is going where.

Yes I guess that we need to talk about all this again.

It was a big surprise to me that it was working this way. And I am having a hard time to suddenly interrupt his normal way to do stuff that I didn't knew anything about even we have known eachother longdistance for about 4 years

It was a little chok to me

[JenT 0]

Yes I guess that we need to talk about all this again.

It was a big surprise to me that it was working this way. And I am having a hard time to suddenly interrupt his normal way to do stuff that I didn't knew anything about even we have known eachother longdistance for about 4 years

It was a little chok to me

Him not being up front with you about this is not fair either... but try to keep his son's feelings before everything else. He's trying to be a good dad and wants to be a good husband, I'm sure.... a delicate situation. Just be patient about it if you can. He needs you as an ally.

[Emancipation 2]

He needs you as an ally.

This is my mantra