how do you say "no gifts, but money's ok"

[Fandango 1,439]

No.

People owe you nothing, so be thankful for anything you receive.

HAHA. wow. what a response. Weddings now cost thousands of dollars. If you get invited to one, you better be bringing something!!!!

If one wants to spend thousands on their wedding, that's their choice & not technically a responsibility of the guests.

[thetreble 19]

No no, that is really not what I meant. I had the most low key wedding I could and it still cost us a lot of money. I didn't have flowers or an expensive cake, etc. The food alone is VERY expensive and what are you going to do..not feed your guests? The choice to feed my guests was not a choice, I am afraid.

If you go to a wedding with nothing, in my opinion, you just look cheap. Maybe it is because my mother is Italian and I married into an Italian-American family, but you bring SOMETHING To a wedding. It doesn't have to be a lot...but I think it is very rude to not bring anything. (again, this is my opinion)

Edited August 5, 2007 by thetreble

[TinTin and Samby 11]

No no, that is really not what I meant. I had the most low key wedding I could and it still cost us a lot of money. I didn't have flowers or an expensive cake, etc. The food alone is VERY expensive and what are you going to do..not feed your guests? The choice to feed my guests was not a choice, I am afraid.

If you go to a wedding with nothing, in my opinion, you just look cheap. Maybe it is because my mother is Italian and I married into an Italian-American family, but you bring SOMETHING To a wedding. It doesn't have to be a lot...but I think it is very rude to not bring anything. (again, this is my opinion)

I think most would completely agree with your point for view from the GUESTS' perspective.. As a GUEST and invitee of a wedding, proper ettiquete requires one to bring (or send) some kind of gift in celebration of the couple's union and special day.

However, this post is talking about the BRIDE & GROOM's point of view and actions. It is tacky and inappropriate to communicate anything that could be perceived as an expectation of their guests bringing a gift. That would include, requests for particular kinds of gifts (cash, a certain 'registry', ec.) as well as requests to NOT bring gifts (again requesting a guest NOT bring a gift asssumes that in the absense of such a request the guest WOULD be bringing a gift...a no-no in etiquette terms.

As many of us have stated here, the tired and true method that has been and is still acceptable is to let the family of the Bride and Groom (including Maid of Honor and Best Man) faciliate informal, word of mouth dissemination of information to inquiring guests.

[TinTin and Samby 11]

I think people put too many rules on weddings, it is your day just do what you feel is best...

Ohhhhhh....my grandmother and mother are turning over in their graves...... Its a day of union between 2 entire families. That union is being presented to society. There are standards of decorum and etiquette, within which people can inject their own personalities and wishes. But to "just do what you feel is best".........

Warm Regards,

Samby

Ha! If I was so concerned about what society and our families think is best, then this union wouldn't be happening in the first place. I certainly don't want to be rude or tacky, but geeeez. I do have a sense of what is right and wrong, so of course I'll do what I think is best.

Somewhat unrelated to my original topic, but how *do* people inform guests of where they are registered?

Guh. It's all this ####### that makes me not want to do anything special at all.

Standards of ettiquette and decorum have been developed over hundreds of years to ensure exactly those things that you want to accomplish: Not being rude or tacky. That's why it is best to inject ones own personal style and desires within the framework, guidelines and boundaries of such standards. There is still plenty of room for expressing your individuality on your special day.

[thetreble 19]

However, this post is talking about the BRIDE & GROOM's point of view and actions. It is tacky and inappropriate to communicate anything that could be perceived as an expectation of their guests bringing a gift. That would include, requests for particular kinds of gifts (cash, a certain 'registry', ec.) as well as requests to NOT bring gifts (again requesting a guest NOT bring a gift asssumes that in the absense of such a request the guest WOULD be bringing a gift...a no-no in etiquette terms.

As many of us have stated here, the tired and true method that has been and is still acceptable is to let the family of the Bride and Groom (including Maid of Honor and Best Man) faciliate informal, word of mouth dissemination of information to inquiring guests.

I don't see anything wrong with saying "cash preferred". I do not think it is tacky at all. My mother had an Italian-Scottish wedding of 350 people in the 70s She said she got about 5 of everything. They had no use for 60% of the things they received so when it was time for my wedding, she told me that we should, in a nice way, try to inform people that we would prefer cash. Right now we live in an apartment and have no storage space (or need really) for a mass amount of gifts. Therefore, I was just giving MY opinion that I do not think it is tacky as I know a few girls that have done the same thing. If you aren't a traditionalist, I don't see it as a big problem. Your standards of etiqutte are not necessarily the standards for every other bride and groom. And if there WERE standards of etiquette when it came to these sorts of things, well, "whose wedding is it any ways?" on Bravo would win all the awards for breaking some standards;) Sorry, I just have a little bit of a problem with someone saying.."darlinnggg...there are standards!!"..It makes me think, do you drink tea with your pinky up too? No one wants to be rude, but I just don't want 5 toasters !

I really think it also depends on what kind of family you have. An Italian-American family from NJ isn't very concerned with wedding etiquette. They ask you what you want-you say cash- and that is that. Not everyone's family and friends are all about etiquette and niceties when it comes to these things. I am not a rude person and don't believe we were being rude by doing so.

Have you had a wedding yet? Just an inquiry...

Edited August 5, 2007 by thetreble

[TinTin and Samby 11]

However, this post is talking about the BRIDE & GROOM's point of view and actions. It is tacky and inappropriate to communicate anything that could be perceived as an expectation of their guests bringing a gift. That would include, requests for particular kinds of gifts (cash, a certain 'registry', ec.) as well as requests to NOT bring gifts (again requesting a guest NOT bring a gift asssumes that in the absense of such a request the guest WOULD be bringing a gift...a no-no in etiquette terms.

As many of us have stated here, the tired and true method that has been and is still acceptable is to let the family of the Bride and Groom (including Maid of Honor and Best Man) faciliate informal, word of mouth dissemination of information to inquiring guests.

I don't see anything wrong with saying "cash preferred". I do not think it is tacky at all. My mother had an Italian-Scottish wedding of 350 people in the 70s She said she got about 5 of everything. They had no use for 60% of the things they received so when it was time for my wedding, she told me that we should, in a nice way, try to inform people that we would prefer cash. Right now we live in an apartment and have no storage space (or need really) for a mass amount of gifts. Therefore, I was just giving MY opinion that I do not think it is tacky as I know a few girls that have done the same thing. If you aren't a traditionalist, I don't see it as a big problem. Your standards of etiqutte are not necessarily the standards for every other bride and groom. And if there WERE standards of etiquette when it came to these sorts of things, well, "whose wedding is it any ways?" on Bravo would win all the awards for breaking some standards;) Sorry, I just have a little bit of a problem with someone saying.."darlinnggg...there are standards!!"..It makes me think, do you drink tea with your pinky up too? No one wants to be rude, but I just don't want 5 toasters !

I really think it also depends on what kind of family you have. An Italian-American family from NJ isn't very concerned with wedding etiquette. They ask you what you want-you say cash- and that is that. Not everyone's family and friends are all about etiquette and niceties when it comes to these things. I am not a rude person and don't believe we were being rude by doing so.

Have you had a wedding yet? Just an inquiry...

Yes, I have. And an Italian one, at that!

They aren't "my standards". I didn't write the thousands of books on the topic.

I am cetainly not accusing you of anything...least of all accusing you of wanting to be rude.

Yes, certainly I am a traditionalist. I think traditions are wonderful. Old ones and New ones alike. For example, one nice Sicilian tradition is the 'money purse' dance. All the men at the wedding have a dance with the Bride who carries a small silk money purse. With each dance, a donation is placed in the purse by the guest. This is an example of how individuality can be incorporated within the general guidelines of decorum and ettiquette. There is nothing wrong with this tradition. What WOULD be wrong however, is if an invitation was sent out stating "dont forget to bring some cash for the 'money purse' dance" - regardless of how 'smoothly written' such a request might be made - it would be directly communicating an expectation of a gift - one of the 'Key Tenets" that should be avoided.

As many many folks have said here in this post, there ARE ways to provide 'help' to Guests in their exercizing of their desire to bring a thoughtful and meaningful gift to the Bridal Couple. Those ways include word of mouth through the family. Written requests in an invitation are not one of the acceptable ways.

[thetreble 19]

I do understand everything you say and for the most part I agree with your last post. (did you marry a Sicilian? ) Word of mouth is definately the best way, in my opinion, to let every one know so there is no nastiness of a "cash only" request in an invitation.

However, I don't think it is up to anyone, author, traditionalist, wedding planner, etc. to say what is appropriate for someone and what is not. It is really up to the bridge and groom what they want to say... (unless your parents are paying and want a lot of say in it! haha)

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am with those who feel it isn't appropriate to include anything in the invitation except the invitation. Word of mouth to your friends and family - who will most probably ask you or those who know you what you want or need - will get the message around in a nice way which will allow people to feel supportive and generous.

The 'funniest' gift wish list I have ever seen was for a co-worker who had just purchased a new house with her fiance. When I asked her what they wanted or needed so I could give them a wedding gift they would like, she handed me a list. Almost everything on it was something related to landscaping their yard! I gave them a magnolia tree sapling - it was on their list. VBG.

[thetreble 19]

That is pretty funny/cute

[ajames79 0]

I just got married a month ago and I did have a registry. However I didn't list it on any of the invitations that went out. Even the showers that we had.

We had over 150 people come from both sides of the family and I didn't get one gift that I couldn't use or was a double or was tacky.

We also got plenty of cash for people who wanted to contribute that way.

Word of mouth did wonders for us.

I would never ask for cash. No matter how much we might have wanted it or prefered it. Just not something I was raised to do...not a value shared by all but in our famlies it was.

IMO a marriage is the joining of two people. A wedding is for your guests to help celebrate your union.

edit: I did recieve one gift that was a little odd...a bird feeded that resembled a bong. My dad actually told me to write it in the thank you letter..Dear Barry and Patsy, Chris and I want to thank you for the glass hand blown bong. It was very thoughtful! * ...But we figured it out! Ohh and I did get a square table cloth instead of a round one! Gonna regift it I think!

Edited August 6, 2007 by ajames79

[thetreble 19]

Well yes. A wedding is definitely a celebration but it is an expensive one to put on. Sentimentally it is a fantastic opportunity for both sides to dance and enjoy themselves. Realistically though, I know lots of people, including my parents, that went into debt for their wedding. For some it was their choice, for others like my parents, it was my grandparents who really made all the decisions. Personally, we didn't have a lot of money so we only were able to invite 100 people or less. (we left a lot of people out unfortunately) It still cost us a good dollar! In the back of my mind, I was worried about going into debt from our celebration.

I agree that word of mouth can be very benefiting and well received by others.

[Fandango 1,439]

An Italian-American family from NJ isn't very concerned with wedding etiquette. They ask you what you want-you say cash- and that is that.

An Italian-American family from NJ wouldn't even ask....they'd just bring cash.

But speaking as an Italian-American from NY...to say that we aren't concerned with wedding etiquette....well that's quite wrong.

Edited August 6, 2007 by LisaD

[thetreble 19]

Like I said in one of my posts on the subject, it really depends on your family. In some families it may be ok, in some it may not. I never said your family wasn't concerned with wedding etiquette. I can only speak for my own.

[bmadeline 0]

from http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?O...mp;parentID=525

Q. Is it rude to suggest monetary gifts? We already have a blender (and pretty much everything else!).

A. Well, you should never ask for specific gifts, monetary or otherwise. What you can do is let them know (if they ask) that you would prefer cash gifts. Let your parents, siblings, wedding party, and close friends know too -- and if guests ask them, have them relay your preference. But don't announce it in a formal way to your guests (whatever you do, don't mention it on the invitation!). If guests are curious, they'll ask someone close to you what you would types of gifts your would like to receive. Still, some guests will want to buy you material gifts -- so it's a good idea to register somewhere for a few items. And of course, be sure to accept and acknowledge every gift gracefully (that means send out thank-you notes). As for monetary gifts, let the giver know how you intend to spend their gift in a thank-you card.

also see:

http://www.theknot.com/ch_article.html?Obj...mp;parentID=525

[TinTin and Samby 11]

I do understand everything you say and for the most part I agree with your last post. (did you marry a Sicilian? ) Word of mouth is definately the best way, in my opinion, to let every one know so there is no nastiness of a "cash only" request in an invitation.

However, I don't think it is up to anyone, author, traditionalist, wedding planner, etc. to say what is appropriate for someone and what is not. It is really up to the bridge and groom what they want to say... (unless your parents are paying and want a lot of say in it! haha)

Yes, married a Sicilian.

Yeah, that's a whole other topic regarding parental 'desires' for the Bride's Day based on their funding 'contribution' to the event.... hehehe!