Adjusting to the New life... and when enough is enough

[doodlebug 3]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I disagree! Where in the OPs comments did you see her kids as acting that way? The description you noted seems more appropriate for the man. He's the one pulling on her skirt asking for attention cause he wants to go out. I don't think feeding, bathing & putting your kids to sleep at a decent hour is favoritism or something out of the ordinary, its what a MOM does, normal. The kids dont seem to be butting in asking for special attention, seems more like they are freaked out about what's going on in the house. They are 5&6! Those are small kids that dont understand all adult stuff, much less the 7 yr adjustment period for their new dad. Barging in at bath time with a fight would freak me out also.

I understand him wanting to go out, and feeling locked in. Until he gets his DL & EAD he can't do much, and understandably wants to spend time with his lady. But who does he think will take care of the kids? Who will put them to bed if they go out till the wee hours? He knew there were kids and I believe Dee is not doing anything out of the norm for a mom.

The guy is (I believe) around 40, come on, toughen up and stop viewing 5 & 6 yr olds as competition for time.

Finally! I thought I was the only one to think that advice was absurd for this situation and frankly I was shocked at the kudos it got!

A 5 and 6 year old child have basic needs and meeting these needs is a normal thing a mom does. I don't EVER think that hitting a child because they are interrupting, at 5 and 6 years old, is a viable solution. EVER. This is a transition for the whole family.............and those little beings are a big part of that family. Any man who marries a single mother does so knowing that the children will have an adjustment period, and to whine and complain that you are meeting their simple needs....needs they are unable, at 5 and 6, to meet themselves.....well that is just immature and uncalled for. My God the man is almost 40, it's time he started acting like it.

So what if the kids go to bed at 8:30. He can still sit outside with his wife if he feels THAT trapped inside the house. And who the heck is trapping him inside anyways....as stated before, he's almost 40 and had the wherewithall to fly half way across the world, is he saying he cannot go exploring on his own in Boston for goodness sakes where public transportation is abound? Not like he's in the cornfields of Kansas for God's sakes. (no offense meant for those in Kansas, I love corn).

Kids DO come first. They are our future. They are the doctors, lawyers, plumbers, diplomats, policemen, firemen, etc of our future and if we kick them to the curb for the sake of our own delight then shame on us when we're left with a dying society.

[tmma 467]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I disagree! Where in the OPs comments did you see her kids as acting that way? The description you noted seems more appropriate for the man. He's the one pulling on her skirt asking for attention cause he wants to go out. I don't think feeding, bathing & putting your kids to sleep at a decent hour is favoritism or something out of the ordinary, its what a MOM does, normal. The kids dont seem to be butting in asking for special attention, seems more like they are freaked out about what's going on in the house. They are 5&6! Those are small kids that dont understand all adult stuff, much less the 7 yr adjustment period for their new dad. Barging in at bath time with a fight would freak me out also.

I understand him wanting to go out, and feeling locked in. Until he gets his DL & EAD he can't do much, and understandably wants to spend time with his lady. But who does he think will take care of the kids? Who will put them to bed if they go out till the wee hours? He knew there were kids and I believe Dee is not doing anything out of the norm for a mom.

The guy is (I believe) around 40, come on, toughen up and stop viewing 5 & 6 yr olds as competition for time.

Finally! I thought I was the only one to think that advice was absurd for this situation and frankly I was shocked at the kudos it got!

A 5 and 6 year old child have basic needs and meeting these needs is a normal thing a mom does. I don't EVER think that hitting a child because they are interrupting, at 5 and 6 years old, is a viable solution. EVER. This is a transition for the whole family.............and those little beings are a big part of that family. Any man who marries a single mother does so knowing that the children will have an adjustment period, and to whine and complain that you are meeting their simple needs....needs they are unable, at 5 and 6, to meet themselves.....well that is just immature and uncalled for. My God the man is almost 40, it's time he started acting like it.

So what if the kids go to bed at 8:30. He can still sit outside with his wife if he feels THAT trapped inside the house. And who the heck is trapping him inside anyways....as stated before, he's almost 40 and had the wherewithall to fly half way across the world, is he saying he cannot go exploring on his own in Boston for goodness sakes where public transportation is abound? Not like he's in the cornfields of Kansas for God's sakes. (no offense meant for those in Kansas, I love corn).

Kids DO come first. They are our future. They are the doctors, lawyers, plumbers, diplomats, policemen, firemen, etc of our future and if we kick them to the curb for the sake of our own delight then shame on us when we're left with a dying society.

He is hitting the children? Is that what you are saying? Did I miss something??

If her or the kids are being hit or abused in any way ...then that is a totally different thing......he should be kicked to the curb (and kicked); however, I do not think anyone [least of all me] advocated " kicking the children to the curb" or " hitting a child because they are interrupting", or excusing the OP's husband's deplorable behaviour.....I don't recall anyone saying any of those things....or maybe I missed something???????

Actually, I agree with the rest of your post about the husband, though. I think the husband is acting like a childish pillock, who needs to grow up.

Edited August 7, 2007 by tmma

[doodlebug 3]

He is hitting the children? Is that what you are saying? Did I miss something??

If her or the kids are being hit or abused in any way ...then that is a totally different thing......he should be kicked to the curb (and kicked); however, I do not think anyone [least of all me] advocated " kicking the children to the curb" or " hitting a child because they are interrupting", or excusing the OP's husband's deplorable behaviour.....I don't recall anyone saying any of those things....or maybe I missed something???????

Actually, I agree with the rest of your post about the husband, though. I think the husband is acting like a childish pillock, who needs to grow up.

Cultural difference come into play also.. in America you (for the most part) gotta talk things out with the kids now.. Time outs.. taking things away.. You cant Old School it and beat your kids when they act up. In egypt you could spank/ smack your kids in the street - but NOT here!. AND my kids are used to being in bed at 830 pm.. He justs upset cause I "lock" him in the house.. cause after dinner he wants to "go out".. but then they have to get ready for bath, bed, etc. In egypt it was common to see the kids running around at Midnight.... but not in the states.... or at least in my home. I think to him he thinks I am picking them over him... which is NOT the case.

Even if I have to "interrupt" our talks aka arguments to cook food for them or cause they simply want attention cause we have ben fighting for HOURS.. I am putting THEM before him

Deemabrouk posted the above and rebecca suggested that they should "tough if you don't like it oh little one" and everyone's giving her kudos.

[tmma 467]

I am not sure I read RJ's post the same as you did-funny how different people read things differently- and I am not saying anyone is wrong here-just different interpretations...... Speaking for myself...I think the husband needs to "tough it out" and be reminded in the strongest terms possible that THIS IS NOT EGYPT!!!!!!!!! The OP needs to somehow reassert herself in all this and stop being trampled on by HIM to the point where she sounds like she is torn between her responsibilities as a mother and dealing with her husband's childishness.

sincerest best wishes to the OP- but I still think your husband is acting like a brat.

[bhajishah 4]

well everybody has good suggestions.... I have tried to speak with a Imam (religious leader ) but he would not go.. he sat in the car our mutual friend is trying to be a mediator between us.. but now she is more on my side.. just telling me to stay quite.. not react.. to treat him like a baby...

BUT he is not a baby.. he is almost 40.. and how can I not react to constantly having negative things getting said to me?!!

I'll stay quite for as long as I can.. but after a while.. I get a tone in my voice.. or I raise it

AND the fighting IS getting done infront of the kids.. He has no problem.. walking in and fighting with me while I'm giving my kids a bath.. my sons will "lock" themselve in a room... OR their needs are being completely NOT being met cause of non stop fighting

He doesnt want sound counseling, and he fights infront of the children??

sounds like he is projecting his faults and insecurities on to you and pushing MAJOR boundries. Sounds like he needs to sit on the curb until he learns how to get along with others. Good grown men dont treat the wife with such disrespect. This is not love. Believe me Ive had to go through my share of closed door come to Allah talks around here esp during the first year. But NEVER infront of the kids and ours are 14-22 years old. Tell him that you obviously cannot meet his needs and show him the door. Maybe he will humble himself enough to get counseling and support, ask for forgiveness and begin to work on things appropriatley.

good luck

cindi

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Deemabrouk posted the above and rebecca suggested that they should "tough if you don't like it oh little one" and everyone's giving her kudos.

I looked at RJ's post as a general comment about mixed families in general, and not a commentary on the OP's specific circumstances. The OP was very ambiguous and general, at least in the beginning, inviting generalities about adjusting to the new life. I think I know RJ well enough that she would never advocate putting up with a foreign husband who was being neglectful or abusive to his spouse or step children.

Edited August 7, 2007 by Mister Fancypants

[bhajishah 4]

I am not sure I read RJ's post the same as you did-funny how different people read things differently- and I am not saying anyone is wrong here-just different interpretations...... Speaking for myself...I think the husband needs to "tough it out" and be reminded in the strongest terms possible that THIS IS NOT EGYPT!!!!!!!!! The OP needs to somehow reassert herself in all this and stop being trampled on by HIM to the point where she sounds like she is torn between her responsibilities as a mother and dealing with her husband's childishness.

sincerest best wishes to the OP- but I still think your husband is acting like a brat.

Is it true, i heard the divorce rate in Egypt is 50%.??

[rebeccajo 14]

I don't believe deemabrouk posted that her children are being beaten. I read her sentence to mean that a beating might be something done in Egypt, but not something done in America. Anyone who cares to interpret what I wrote as defending 'child beating' is well - just misunderstanding.

My post is based on my own personal experience. It's not me saying - do this or do that. It's just how I've lived my life.

I have one child - a boy. As I was raising him, his needs were never tossed to the wayside. But I've raised him as a participating member of a household and never as the center of it. Sure, he's been plenty spoiled and I dote on him. I ran a small home-based business for twelve years, beginning when my son was 4. He got to see Mom at work right in his own home, not just hearing about 'the office' when Mom got home at the end of the day. He learned early on that grown-ups have other responsibilities. He used to help me with some of those responsibilities - stamping catalogs, licking stamps. When he got older, he took messages and packed product in the car. In bad weather, he'd go with me to help out. We worked together - he learned that working together gave me time to 'come back to him' - time for just us. I believe to this day that what he did and saw was one of the best lessons I could have taught him.

My philosophy is that the needs of individuals are best met when the FAMILY is the focus. I've worked like hell to give to my family, to take care of them and provide a nurturing home for them. But I've lived long enough to believe that door swings both ways. If the little people aren't seeing cooperation and rock-solid respect between Mom and Dad, they can't learn to cooperate or respect. If Mom and Dad have no time for each other because they are shuttling the kids all over hell's half acre or working overtime constantly to pay for video games and clothes from the GAP, the kids don't learn about a healthy marriage. Family isn't just about the kids or just about the couple - it's about the unit. Everybody needs to learn to row or the boat will sink.

I ended up divorced because my ex-husbands selfish needs and desires took precedence over the happiness, daily sanity, and financial well-being of the entire family unit. I stated in my post that I wouldn't tolerate a man arguing with me everyday. It took me a long time to see it wasn't just ME that was miserable - it was also my son. When it got to that point and the arguing became physical, I ended it.

So - I have talked the talk and walked the walk. I stuck by my first husband a very long time trying to create a good home for our son. My marriage failed, but my child-rearing did not. I raised my son (during that time and since) to understand that he is a special creation with a purpose. And the eye-witness experience to understand that if he puts his gifts and himself out there with all the gusto he can, his enthusiasm for it will GIVE him everything he wants. Without having to put his own needs first.

He leaves for university Sunday. He's 19. We've been rowing together so well all that time - the separation at first will be hard. But he's got wings and he's bound to fly. Children do leave us, you know. Be certain the life-partner left by your side, to share that empty nest, is wise enough to see that tear in your Mother's Eye not as a sign your womanly life is now empty. Make sure he's a good enough, strong enough and wise enough man to realize it just for what it is - another drop in the river of your family's life. A river along a journey where you separate from time to time, but always come back to each other.

[jundp 191]

I don't believe deemabrouk posted that her children are being beaten. I read her sentence to mean that a beating might be something done in Egypt, but not something done in America. Anyone who cares to interpret what I wrote as defending 'child beating' is well - just misunderstanding.

My post is based on my own personal experience. It's not me saying - do this or do that. It's just how I've lived my life.

I have one child - a boy. As I was raising him, his needs were never tossed to the wayside. But I've raised him as a participating member of a household and never as the center of it. Sure, he's been plenty spoiled and I dote on him. I ran a small home-based business for twelve years, beginning when my son was 4. He got to see Mom at work right in his own home, not just hearing about 'the office' when Mom got home at the end of the day. He learned early on that grown-ups have other responsibilities. He used to help me with some of those responsibilities - stamping catalogs, licking stamps. When he got older, he took messages and packed product in the car. In bad weather, he'd go with me to help out. We worked together - he learned that working together gave me time to 'come back to him' - time for just us. I believe to this day that what he did and saw was one of the best lessons I could have taught him.

My philosophy is that the needs of individuals are best met when the FAMILY is the focus. I've worked like hell to give to my family, to take care of them and provide a nurturing home for them. But I've lived long enough to believe that door swings both ways. If the little people aren't seeing cooperation and rock-solid respect between Mom and Dad, they can't learn to cooperate or respect. If Mom and Dad have no time for each other because they are shuttling the kids all over hell's half acre or working overtime constantly to pay for video games and clothes from the GAP, the kids don't learn about a healthy marriage. Family isn't just about the kids or just about the couple - it's about the unit. Everybody needs to learn to row or the boat will sink.

I ended up divorced because my ex-husbands selfish needs and desires took precedence over the happiness, daily sanity, and financial well-being of the entire family unit. I stated in my post that I wouldn't tolerate a man arguing with me everyday. It took me a long time to see it wasn't just ME that was miserable - it was also my son. When it got to that point and the arguing became physical, I ended it.

So - I have talked the talk and walked the walk. I stuck by my first husband a very long time trying to create a good home for our son. My marriage failed, but my child-rearing did not. I raised my son (during that time and since) to understand that he is a special creation with a purpose. And the eye-witness experience to understand that if he puts his gifts and himself out there with all the gusto he can, his enthusiasm for it will GIVE him everything he wants. Without having to put his own needs first.

He leaves for university Sunday. He's 19. We've been rowing together so well all that time - the separation at first will be hard. But he's got wings and he's bound to fly. Children do leave us, you know. Be certain the life-partner left by your side, to share that empty nest, is wise enough to see that tear in your Mother's Eye not as a sign your womanly life is now empty. Make sure he's a good enough, strong enough and wise enough man to realize it just for what it is - another drop in the river of your family's life. A river along a journey where you separate from time to time, but always come back to each other.

I have to agree with RJ. I don't think kids should be shut off to the side, and neither does my SO, but there comes a time also when the kids have to see that Mom and Dad (or whatever they call him) need time alone. I'm lucky because my kids are older, and they saw me doing EVERYTHING alone, even when I was married to their dad, so they actually want me to have time alone with P. However, they see both sides of the issue.

In the OP's case though, it seems that her husband is a bit unyielding. There are cultural differences, yes, however, the husband I think needs to realize that kids this young definitely need to be put first. Arguing for hours? Yes, it's time to stop talking and be with the kids. He surely understood this going into the marriage, eh?

[doodlebug 3]

This thread is about deemabrouk's immediate situation, not a parenting how-to in general. Please people when you post suggestions to someone in need of emergent help since they may be in danger think of what you are telling them. These are LITTLE children that are in the home who are LOCKING themselves in their rooms because they are SCARED.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

My philosophy is that the needs of individuals are best met when the FAMILY is the focus. I've worked like hell to give to my family, to take care of them and provide a nurturing home for them. But I've lived long enough to believe that door swings both ways. If the little people aren't seeing cooperation and rock-solid respect between Mom and Dad, they can't learn to cooperate or respect. If Mom and Dad have no time for each other because they are shuttling the kids all over hell's half acre or working overtime constantly to pay for video games and clothes from the GAP, the kids don't learn about a healthy marriage. Family isn't just about the kids or just about the couple - it's about the unit. Everybody needs to learn to row or the boat will sink.

Amen, sister. Kids are so intuitive - they know when things aren't right between Mom and Dad, even when their parents put on a charade and focus their energies on the kids.

[rebeccajo 14]

This thread is about deemabrouk's immediate situation, not a parenting how-to in general. Please people when you post suggestions to someone in need of emergent help since they may be in danger think of what you are telling them. These are LITTLE children that are in the home who are LOCKING themselves in their rooms because they are SCARED.

Exactly. Be careful what you post. Because we can't see the family dynamic behind closed doors.

[totes 0]

This thread is about deemabrouk's immediate situation, not a parenting how-to in general. Please people when you post suggestions to someone in need of emergent help since they may be in danger think of what you are telling them. These are LITTLE children that are in the home who are LOCKING themselves in their rooms because they are SCARED.

Exactly. Be careful what you post. Because we can't see the family dynamic behind closed doors.

I absolutely agree with that! My advice, for what it's worth is.... if possible, remove the children from the situation and seek to obtain an agreement on what is and what is not acceptable behavior in front of the children. My fiance' is not here yet so I guess I can only speak hypethitically (spelling??).... I do not have small children but I do have expectations as a woman and about how my adult child/future grandchildren will be treated and I have and will make that very clear... if we disagree then we have a much larger problem than the immediate problem at hand!

I would suggest that the two of you do some research to find local groups from his country in your area, he needs to meet people that he can communicate with and learn how they have dealt with the transition. I would also suggest that he enroll in an Engish Second Language course, they are fairly cheap and will do two things.... provide him with some time outside of the home and help him with our language which can be frustrating. If you are a member of a church, I suggest that you contact your pastor/minister/priest, whatever try to obtain counsel. If not, there are many, many centers all over the country that will work with you on a sliding scale based on income. If income is not an issue, contact any local counseling center.

I don't proclaim to be an expert by any means.... just some suggestions. Any marriage (even a US based marriage) takes a good year to adjust. There are so many things to learn about one another that you can only learn by spending every day of your life with that person.

[JenT 0]

A long time ago, I learned never to argue with someone's parenting's philosophies because it's one thing that most parents are passionate about. It's an argument that alienates, so I avoid it like the plague. No one can judge, or put conditions, on the way someone else parents.... or on someone else's relationship, for that matter.

Everyone has a different definition of how 'children come first' in their homes.... every family has their own dynamic. This OP was reaching out because she is struggling to find hers.

Give it the time you need, Dee.... just don't compromise on your safety, or on the safety of your children.

Jen

[deemabrouk 0]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

The safety and well being of children are more important than some man's pissy jealousies. But I'm not of the opinion that you have to 'talk things out' with your children insofar as rules of the house and what is expected of them as little members of the household. In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I've read it takes an immigrant about SEVEN years to fully adjust to life in America. We've all got a rough road to hoe if we think 'fighting' with our SO up close and personal everyday is better than being separated. That's K1 syndrome, IMO.

I wouldn't tolerate a man fighting with me daily, in front of my children or solo. And I would iron that out with him as an adult in an adult environment, away from the kids. This isn't their cross to bear. But on the other hand, I don't believe that children should be the center of gravitational pull in a household. That's a false sense of how the real world operates.

It's tough moving from single mom to re-married mom. If a man feels like he's 'out' of the loop, he's going to react and probably react badly. But we aren't just Moms - we are women. And we were independent women with brains in our head and shoes on our feet before we became mothers. Children need to see that Mom and Dad (or step-Dad) love and need each others adult companiionship and support. Husbands need to remember the WIFE is a woman, and not expect her to be his MOM or his human garbage truck. And our children should respect MOM because she is just that - MOM - the person they love and the person they can trust to make smart decisions for them even when they are too little to see beyond their runny little noses.

My two cents as a pirate looking at Fifty.

believe me... they get a spank when appropriate...... BUT a beating cause I had to tell them something more than once?? no.... AND if i had someone to watch the kids so I could get "alone time" that would be different... but I dont have that option. He comes with me to work on Thursdays (I work alone that day) and Fridays we have the whole day to ourselves.. we do our religious thing in the afternoon.. then what ever he wants...