Adjusting to the New life... and when enough is enough

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I agree with everyone else, the adjustment period is long. Everyone says wait a year. It does get better with time, adjustment is super hard. No one expects it, because you miss your SO so much, and they arrive and when you argue, you think to yourself, what the heck am I doing still in this situation and want to give up. Don't! It's early. Its hard, but early. Yes I know, much easier said than done, but we were all in the same boat at one time or another.

What I dont agree with is your friends advise to stay calm & quiet. Maybe because that is totally not "me". I would take my kids over to family or a friends house for Sunday (since you said this is major fight day), and I would really let him have it. Tell him every single thing you dont like about the situation, how he's being negative towards you or your family, and what he's doing to your kids. And start out the conversation with "I love you but...." I've learned that "I love you" are magic words (at least for us) and when one of us hears them, we can't fight as aggressively.

Tell him you are NOT going to fight in front of the kids, they do not need to see that stuff. You two can battle it out without them as witnesses. This kind of stuff can last with them for years (i know you know, i'm talking about stuff I remember from my childhood). Don't allow him to make your kids remember the days they locked themselves in a room, or the times he yelled at mommy. After the big blowout Sunday, tell him, that if he has issues, you talk it out. If he yells, take your kids and say "i love you, but this is not fair" and go for a drive or take them out for ice cream so they forget about the negativity at home. He'll sit there by himself and finally think about the effects of what he's doing is having on you & the kids.

I'm no expert, maybe what I'm recommending isn't the best, but this is what I'd do, if you are at the stage of saying when is enough, enough.

And to a previous poster that wrote, "Would you put up with this if he was an American" I think we can all answer no. Immigration puts strains on relationships, like no other local ones. We'd give up and keep going. We fell in love, we patiently waited for the visa process to be over, we knew it was worth it.

Hang in there.

[JenT 0]

The more I think about the "barging in during the kids' bath" the more unsettled I feel. This shows how selfish and immature he is behaving... and can also be an indication of him being jealous of the attention being paid to the children. If there's any concern over his anger and outbursts escalating, I would exit stage left until things calmed down.

[Ahmed & Sue 0]

Dee,

I really feel for you. When I went to Egypt last year, I took my 13 and 10 year old with me. I wanted to see how Ahmed would interact with them. The 10 days we were there, the three of them got along great. This was a high priority for me, although I never voiced it. If the kids and Ahmed had not gotten along, the relationship would have been done then. I am a mother first. I can see why you are so concerned.

My fiancee is not here yet, however, I have started taking care of my 86 year old father who is now constant care, and ornery as all get out. I felt totally frustrated and worthless because he constantly said it was me doing everything wrong, and me who was causeing all the problems. I was ready to put him in a nursing home. For whatever reason, as I walked through Wal-Mart 2 weeks ago, I saw a book and it kept calling my name.

14 Ways to Make Your Tomorrow Better by H. Norman Wright

This is a christian based book. I read it, and am on my second time reading it. All I can say is it's working for me. It is based on being positive and consentrating on the positive instead of the negative. I had already called to see about putting my father in a home because things had gotten so bad and we could not speak to one another without fighting. I am following the advice of the book, and the past 4 days has turned around. We are actually getting along most of the time, and when we don't I walk away for a while until I am under control. I know this is not the same situation as your husband, but the fighting is similar. I really think the principles of the book could help you.

Dee, when Ahmed and I talked about marriage, I talked to my pastor about it. She told me now is the easy stuff, once he gets here I better put my seat belt on and get ready for the ride of my life. This is not going to be easy, and I know it. Maybe if he had some male friends here he could talk with it would help. My pastor has contacted the muslim families in the community and asked them about their religious practices here, and has told them about Ahmed and asked if it is ok that she introduces Ahmed when he comes. All have been highly receptive to the request and are waiting him to come so they can meet him. She has also talked to the superintendent of schools and asked about introducing him so he can find out what he has to do to be able to teach (Ahmed is a teacher now) when all his papers go through. My friend at work that immigrated from Tunisia, just west of Egypt, years ago has asked if he could meet him and take us to the muslim section in Chicago where there are stores and shops and food places that will have things he is used to. I have also asked another VJ member who lives close to me to keep in contact because I would like the opportunity for us to visit with her and her husband(who is also from Egypt) once he arrives. I am not sure how close you are to your community, but I would ask a lot of questions and see if you can find some support within it. I have been really worried about the adjustment thing, and I am hopeing if Ahmed has some people around him that he can talk to and relate with about life and how they handled it when they first came, maybe it will help make the transition easier. Pastors are a great source of information. Mine is fantastic.

I apologize for being so long winded, but I really feel for you dear. Hang in there. I sat my father down and explained to him that I was not going to go through every day feeling miserable all the time. I told him if the comments he made to me were negative, I was not going to talk to him until he could make positive ones. My neighbor said to me.....Sue, imagine being able to do what you wanted, and suddenly you can not do anything. Everything is taken from you and you are dependant on someone else for everything. How would you feel? It would really have to suck. Remember what your father is going through. It has to be really terrible to have this happen and have to accept it. Well, Dee, this statement could sum up the whole immigration process. Daily activities they are used to are taken away, and they rely on someone else for everything. It would have to be the most frustrating thing ever. Just make sure you lay down some rules and tell him you will not fight in front of the children. Maybe it would help to ask him what his feelings are and how he thinks things should be handled. He may have some ideas that will help.

I really hope things get better for you. You will be in my prayers.

Take care,

Sue

[JenT 0]

I am buying that book for my mother... TODAY!

Great advice, Sue.

Jen

[doodlebug 3]

Dee,

I really feel for you. When I went to Egypt last year, I took my 13 and 10 year old with me. I wanted to see how Ahmed would interact with them. The 10 days we were there, the three of them got along great. This was a high priority for me, although I never voiced it. If the kids and Ahmed had not gotten along, the relationship would have been done then. I am a mother first. I can see why you are so concerned.

I hope I'm not talking out of turn here but Dee brought her sons to Egypt to spend time with him and see how they'd interact as well and it went great. I think sometimes the whole taking the person out of their comfort zone and culture really makes a difference. I said this on another thread but the stark reality for MENA spouses (and others I'm sure) is that they are unable to just come over here on a visitor's visa so that you can see them interact with you and the kids in THIS environment...away from their family if they've been coddled by mama for a long time, away from their friends that they use as a support system, away from everything they know.

For me the true test isn't bringing the kids over to an environment where the spouse is comfy but when they are here for a good month. I did not bring my daughters to Egypt and I regretted that at first but now I think i have a new outlook on that and I feel that the first month here will show if this is really gonna fly or not. I know that might sound aweful to some but it's the way I feel. The kids come first period. I really hope things get better Dee and it sounds like you are doing everything you physically and emotionally can to improve the situation.

[cshell 0]

I justed wanted to share with you the difficulty that my husband (then fiance) and I had when he first arrived in the US. He had never been to the US. So for me I choose not to get married right away but rather wait til he was here for at least 2 months for him to adjust and decide that he wanted to be in the US. The relationship was very hard. He wouldn't accept my help or input. He hated to rely on me for anything and hated that he was financially dependent on me. There were days that he seemed as though he did everything possible to push me away. Often I felt like a parent with a child. But we both knew that we loved each other. We both worked on making adjustments. Slowly be both saw that the other was truely trying and things were improving. The biggest thing is communication. And the second is knowing how to "read" your partner. In time you learn when to back off, when best to push an issue etc. I've learned with my husband that when he gets very upset. Let it go for now, I give him time to let the steam off. Maybe he will go for a walk or listen to his music, but we will come back to it 2 hours later and discuss it some. Then the next day we discuss it further. In the beginning I wanted to talk about it right then, every single bit of it. But it didn't work. So maybe at your end you can acknowledge his frustration and then say let us come back to that later after I get the kids done with their baths and tucked into bed. My husband and I are approaching our 4 month mark and each day our relationship gets stonger. Don't get me wrong there are days that we back step but from April til now is like nite and day.

What was a big help for me was I kept in my mind (and still do) that he is in completely unfamiliar turf. He had never seem so many cars, experienced neighbors that keep to themselves, lack of easy transportation, inability to work and support his loved one, - he lost all sense of his freedom and independence. He always says the US is a serious place. He needed to come to terms with all this before he could move on with me.

So given that I bought him a bicycle from a garage sale, I bought him some music stuff, when I knew that he needed money I left it on his bedside rather then hand it to him. I took time to explain things to him that he didn't know, and I complimented him on things that I could to keep his spirits up as I knew that he has some level of depression (missing his family-homeland and not working). This past week he also got his own library card and the library is within walking distance. It helps that he does have friends here in the states that he could talk with on the phone (they live in another state). I got international calling on my phone line so that he can call his family back home. I support/discuss his various expected job possibilities. I have shown great patience. Did I think that I would make it this far - truely many times no. But I'm glad I did as I have seen such a turn around in him and in myself as well. He now has his learner's permit for driving, is waiting for his EAD and would love if he could start working tomorrow. But the important issues are that we communicate so much more effectively, truely love one another, and he is taking on more of an adult role as he adjusts and becomes more comfortable in his new home/surroundings. We have learned how to work together and support one another while living together (much different then verbal telephone support).

So 3 weeks is a short time. I understand about your children, discuss with your husband your concern with your children being exposed to fighting. May I also suggest a family fun activity - riding bicycles, minature golf, shell collecting. Something where your children will enjoy having him involved. Also thing about what you can get for your husband that will occupy his time such as a hobby, projects around your home. I wish the very best to you both and I hope that you find some helpful things from my long winded post

[taurean 0]

Dee: Well now that you have given a bit of a snaphot of what happens when you and your husband are fighting in front of your kids, I have a different opinion. That story about him barging in during bath time and the kids cowering sounds like it's not behavior that can ben easily adjusted. Your kids come first. I agree 100% with the poster who suggested letting the kids be elsewhere for a while, so that the two of you can have a *serious conversation.* You need to be cut and dried about what you will and will not accept especially with regard to your kids. If he can't and won't understand that the kids come first, then there is your answer right there.

Many people have related how they have weathered the storm during the adjustment period with their spouses. But most people who have young children, sometimes don't have the time or capacity to devote to a newly arrived spouse to really make the adjustment easier. It takes A LOT of time and attention (depending upon the individual) to make the transition as easy and successful as possible. Perhaps those with children will provide more advice about to make it work!

As I said before...I am seriously wishing you the best.

[JenT 0]

It difficult enough for a parent with young children to a make such an adjustment when their new spouse or spouse-to-be is reasonable.... I can only imagine the feelings that you're dealing with Dee.

As others have said, you are a mother first. If he can't accept that, then you have to make your own choice.

Jen

[deemabrouk 0]

i agree with you all.. the kids DO come first... And he does get jealous over them and that is not cool at all..

I keep on telling him "they are 5 & 6 !!!! " but i guess he doesnt get it..

Cultural difference come into play also.. in America you (for the most part) gotta talk things out with the kids now.. Time outs.. taking things away.. You cant Old School it and beat your kids when they act up. In egypt you could spank/ smack your kids in the street - but NOT here!. AND my kids are used to being in bed at 830 pm.. He justs upset cause I "lock" him in the house.. cause after dinner he wants to "go out".. but then they have to get ready for bath, bed, etc. In egypt it was common to see the kids running around at Midnight.... but not in the states.... or at least in my home. I think to him he thinks I am picking them over him... which is NOT the case.

Even if I have to "interrupt" our talks aka arguments to cook food for them or cause they simply want attention cause we have ben fighting for HOURS.. I am putting THEM before him

who knows... these past few days things have come to a boiling point

we'll see what happens in the near future

thank you guys for your advice and support

[rebeccajo 14]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

The safety and well being of children are more important than some man's pissy jealousies. But I'm not of the opinion that you have to 'talk things out' with your children insofar as rules of the house and what is expected of them as little members of the household. In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I've read it takes an immigrant about SEVEN years to fully adjust to life in America. We've all got a rough road to hoe if we think 'fighting' with our SO up close and personal everyday is better than being separated. That's K1 syndrome, IMO.

I wouldn't tolerate a man fighting with me daily, in front of my children or solo. And I would iron that out with him as an adult in an adult environment, away from the kids. This isn't their cross to bear. But on the other hand, I don't believe that children should be the center of gravitational pull in a household. That's a false sense of how the real world operates.

It's tough moving from single mom to re-married mom. If a man feels like he's 'out' of the loop, he's going to react and probably react badly. But we aren't just Moms - we are women. And we were independent women with brains in our head and shoes on our feet before we became mothers. Children need to see that Mom and Dad (or step-Dad) love and need each others adult companiionship and support. Husbands need to remember the WIFE is a woman, and not expect her to be his MOM or his human garbage truck. And our children should respect MOM because she is just that - MOM - the person they love and the person they can trust to make smart decisions for them even when they are too little to see beyond their runny little noses.

My two cents as a pirate looking at Fifty.

Edited August 7, 2007 by rebeccajo

[tmma 467]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

The safety and well being of children are more important than some man's pissy jealousies. But I'm not of the opinion that you have to 'talk things out' with your children insofar as rules of the house and what is expected of them as little members of the household. In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I've read it takes an immigrant about SEVEN years to fully adjust to life in America. We've all got a rough road to hoe if we think 'fighting' with our SO up close and personal everyday is better than being separated. That's K1 syndrome, IMO.

I wouldn't tolerate a man fighting with me daily, in front of my children or solo. And I would iron that out with him as an adult in an adult environment, away from the kids. This isn't their cross to bear. But on the other hand, I don't believe that children should be the center of gravitational pull in a household. That's a false sense of how the real world operates.

It's tough moving from single mom to re-married mom. If a man feels like he's 'out' of the loop, he's going to react and probably react badly. But we aren't just Moms - we are women. And we were independent women with brains in our head and shoes on our feet before we became mothers. Children need to see that Mom and Dad (or step-Dad) love and need each others adult companiionship and support. Husbands need to remember the WIFE is a woman, and not expect her to be his MOM or his human garbage truck. And our children should respect MOM because she is just that - MOM - the person they love and the person they can trust to make smart decisions for them even when they are too little to see beyond their runny little noses.

My two cents as a pirate looking at Fifty.

Agree 100%...This post should be stickied!

All the best to the OP of the thread-hope it all works out.

[tom&tata 2]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

The safety and well being of children are more important than some man's pissy jealousies. But I'm not of the opinion that you have to 'talk things out' with your children insofar as rules of the house and what is expected of them as little members of the household. In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I've read it takes an immigrant about SEVEN years to fully adjust to life in America. We've all got a rough road to hoe if we think 'fighting' with our SO up close and personal everyday is better than being separated. That's K1 syndrome, IMO.

I wouldn't tolerate a man fighting with me daily, in front of my children or solo. And I would iron that out with him as an adult in an adult environment, away from the kids. This isn't their cross to bear. But on the other hand, I don't believe that children should be the center of gravitational pull in a household. That's a false sense of how the real world operates.

It's tough moving from single mom to re-married mom. If a man feels like he's 'out' of the loop, he's going to react and probably react badly. But we aren't just Moms - we are women. And we were independent women with brains in our head and shoes on our feet before we became mothers. Children need to see that Mom and Dad (or step-Dad) love and need each others adult companiionship and support. Husbands need to remember the WIFE is a woman, and not expect her to be his MOM or his human garbage truck. And our children should respect MOM because she is just that - MOM - the person they love and the person they can trust to make smart decisions for them even when they are too little to see beyond their runny little noses.

My two cents as a pirate looking at Fifty.

Beautiful post !

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

The safety and well being of children are more important than some man's pissy jealousies. But I'm not of the opinion that you have to 'talk things out' with your children insofar as rules of the house and what is expected of them as little members of the household. In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I've read it takes an immigrant about SEVEN years to fully adjust to life in America. We've all got a rough road to hoe if we think 'fighting' with our SO up close and personal everyday is better than being separated. That's K1 syndrome, IMO.

I wouldn't tolerate a man fighting with me daily, in front of my children or solo. And I would iron that out with him as an adult in an adult environment, away from the kids. This isn't their cross to bear. But on the other hand, I don't believe that children should be the center of gravitational pull in a household. That's a false sense of how the real world operates.

It's tough moving from single mom to re-married mom. If a man feels like he's 'out' of the loop, he's going to react and probably react badly. But we aren't just Moms - we are women. And we were independent women with brains in our head and shoes on our feet before we became mothers. Children need to see that Mom and Dad (or step-Dad) love and need each others adult companiionship and support. Husbands need to remember the WIFE is a woman, and not expect her to be his MOM or his human garbage truck. And our children should respect MOM because she is just that - MOM - the person they love and the person they can trust to make smart decisions for them even when they are too little to see beyond their runny little noses.

My two cents as a pirate looking at Fifty.

I agree. Well said.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Count me in on Rebeccajo's position as well. Excellent post; well said.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

Maybe I'm 'old school', but I don't believe 'kids come first'.

In my opinion, the Mom is the Mom and that's it - tough if you don't like it oh little one. When those kids grow up, their boss isn't going to molly-coddle them into conforming to company policies and rules. And their spouse shouldn't have to inherit a person who learned how to get the attention of a loved one by pulling on her skirt and rudely interrupting her when she was interacting with another adult.

I disagree! Where in the OPs comments did you see her kids as acting that way? The description you noted seems more appropriate for the man. He's the one pulling on her skirt asking for attention cause he wants to go out. I don't think feeding, bathing & putting your kids to sleep at a decent hour is favoritism or something out of the ordinary, its what a MOM does, normal. The kids dont seem to be butting in asking for special attention, seems more like they are freaked out about what's going on in the house. They are 5&6! Those are small kids that dont understand all adult stuff, much less the 7 yr adjustment period for their new dad. Barging in at bath time with a fight would freak me out also.

I understand him wanting to go out, and feeling locked in. Until he gets his DL & EAD he can't do much, and understandably wants to spend time with his lady. But who does he think will take care of the kids? Who will put them to bed if they go out till the wee hours? He knew there were kids and I believe Dee is not doing anything out of the norm for a mom.

The guy is (I believe) around 40, come on, toughen up and stop viewing 5 & 6 yr olds as competition for time.