Adjusting to the New life... and when enough is enough

[taurean 0]

I generally don't post much on this sort of issue, but I just felt the need to throw my two cents in this case. First, I am sorry that things have been so rough. However, like others have said it's only been two weeks. It's pretty much a given there are going to be some bumps along the way in trying to transition into this new phase of life, both for you and him. And I can imagine it's pretty crummy to be in a situation where everything causes an argument. However, you both went through a lot to be together. What happens if this rough patch is temporary but you've given up on your husband and the relationship?? Just my opinion, but I think you'd regret giving up so early.

Is the bumpiness as a result of him being bored and feeling like he can't contribute? If so, maybe you could wait it out and see what happens after the EAD comes through and your husband starts to work. It could very well be that he needs to be working and contributing to really feel like himself again. So since you asked for advice, I would say to just wait it out. Only you can say how much you can take and when it's time to move on (if that's necessary), but I still say give things a chance to settle down.

However...if you feel threatened, or if you feel your children are being harmed by what is going on btw you and your husband, then that's something else entirely.

I just wish you the best either way things turn out.

[akatagirl 0]

hahaa.. its funny you put it like that.... cause honestly his A$$ would of been out the door.. BUT also .. it IS easier if he had someone to stay with friends/ family for some space.. and/ or I wasnt the ONLY person he had here (which yes IS very hard on him)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder???

You and your hubby have only been together in the US for a few weeks now right (checked your timeline)?

I have had family members immigrate here and it took them a long time to adjust to the lifestyle here so I am guessing that your husband will feel like a total fish out of water and may at times as my husband did, let out his frustrations which added more fuel to whatever little disagreements we had.

Are there cultural differences between you and your hubby? (i.e different ethnic backgrounds)? If so, then of course living finally under one roof and trying to communicate and do things will take time before you both will find a happy meduim...

I know when my hubby first got there in March, it wasn't always perfect..in fact the first few months were really rough on us both..He wasn't working and was adjusting to the American lifestyle and having to depend on me for things..and the way we talk (even though we both speak english well we just misunderstood each other alot especially when we would try to explain each other's point of view in a misunderstanding....

I know in the beginning, I used to feel as you did that my husband and I were so different but we have both really worked on it and each time a disagreement occurs, we both have gotten better at trying to understand each other... I am guessing if cultural differences are involved in your situation, then just try to take the time to explain to each other how we as american women and more importantly yourself feel about certain issues and of course, ask him how he deals with issues from his native country...

Only you can answer when enough is enough, and there were many moments in the first 3 months that my hubby was here that I thought we would both throw in the towel, but we worked through it and we are even more in love than ever... Just try to grab on to more patience even when you think you don't have any left cause that will see you through these tough times..... He is probably feeling just as you are at this point in time. I think that with time and alot of discussion between you two, you both can work out your differences but you both have to identify in each other what annoys or upsets the both of you and make a commitment to work meet each other halfway... The marriages that we have with our spouses are very unique and very challenging to say the least and as my husband always says, nothing good comes easy!!!

Take care and good luck!

[sakurasama 0]

Man, I have been working on getting my fiance here for two years. What I wouldn't do to get him here. Even fighting with him every day seems a whole hell of a lot better then having him on the other side of the world. I would love to have a real relationship where I could fight with him and get irritated by the things he does instead of this ghost email/phone call/inet chat relationship we have to slog through. At least if we are near each other we have a chance. Sheesh, appreciate what you have.

[bhajishah 4]

When do you just throw in the towel??!!!

I know that it is a HUGE transition for your SO to move to the US.. or any other country... Especially when it is VERY different... EVERYBODY told me it would be hard.. but this is NUTZ!!!!!!

BUT.. the transition seems to be over the top... when do you know things will NOT get any better?!

When do you just decided this isnt working...

If I didnt have kids.. I could probably put up with More.. But I DO have kids.. and I dont think they need to be dragged through all this.....

I am lost and confused.... and fed up

Good grief give it 6 months to a year!!!

it will get better when you two figure out how the pieces of living together fits

Stick with ALLAH together

it helps

[JJWashington 0]

I agree with the other posts. If its just differences, maybe a little time. But with kids involved, it is a whole other story.

However...if you feel threatened, or if you feel your children are being harmed by what is going on btw you and your husband, then that's something else entirely.

I just wish you the best either way things turn out.

[trailmix 77]

It's actually a good question several people have mentioned - are the children being harmed?

If you two are arguing every day and NOT in front of the kiddies, that is one thing, if you are arguing in front of them then you need to stop that as soon as possible (I know you know that).

Hopefully you aren't and hopefully you and your Husband have discussed this and agreed that under no circumstances will they see you argue.

If that isn't the case and you don't think you can agree to do that, then you need to get them out of the house, maybe they can stay with their Grandparents for a while (maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go for a while as well)?

Does he give any consideration to how they are feeling? One minute they have Mom at home and it's all good and safe and the next minute they have this man (which I suspect they don't know very well at this point) who has completely flipped their lives upside down. It's scary for kids.

[m&n 0]

Someone posted this above & it is soooo true........Nothing good comes easy.

Adjusting to a brand new life must be difficult to say the least.......a new country, a new home, a new family, a new partner, a new language, a new everything......

You are both going through major changes and not being able to work is VERY difficult for a man........especially a MENA man.......and I'm not making excuses for any anger or frustration.......but in the same time.....I think it's totally understandable.........I mean, I wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant person to be around either if I was unemployed and unable to find work......

I agree that you should perhaps wait until he gets the EAD and begins working.....it'll give you a deeper insight into his personality because you'll be able to assess whether or not his current behavior is just temporary & due to not being able to provide.

And perhaps take a little bit of alone time to think about why, just a few months ago, you couldn't wait to be with him......think about all the things you loved about him......are those things still there........do you still love those things.......are those things no where to be found........are they covered by frustration????

I really hope things get better for you Dee.

[aj1 1]

I agree with Moody and M&N. I would like to add that you can post and say whatever you like for us to know but Dee you know your situation better than any of us. I feel as if pray about the situation first and ask god to give you guidance on what you need to do. In the meantime i wouldn't make any quick decisions until god reveals to you what to do and he will.

I have 2 kids to so i know what you mean mine are 6&4 and at those ages you are a full time mother and they depend on us still for lots of things. It can be difficult at times. But i believe if you pray and give it some more time, and follow your gut insticts you will know what to do. It would also be nice if the two of you did something alone together. See if someone could look after there kids and the 2 of you have a nice evening together. I know it doesn't fix everything but its a start. And he can talk to his friends and family on the phone and internet as much as he can. When he gets work maybe he won't be so bored at if he's not bored then there will be nothing for him to be angry about to even cause an argument with you. So i would just give it a little more time. You will be in my prayers

AJ1

[JenT 0]

Kathryn's suggestion was a good one: counseling. If fighting is the only way you are communicating it sounds like you need to step back and figure out how to communicate with each other to make your respective needs known without things deteriorating. Healthy arguments are one thing, and kids can learn from parents working things out. But to witness the type of communicating you are alluding to on an ongoing basis is not a healthy situation for your children. I wouldn't subject mine to that sort of environment and mine are 12 and 15....

Jen

[deemabrouk 0]

well everybody has good suggestions.... I have tried to speak with a Imam (religious leader ) but he would not go.. he sat in the car our mutual friend is trying to be a mediator between us.. but now she is more on my side.. just telling me to stay quite.. not react.. to treat him like a baby...

BUT he is not a baby.. he is almost 40.. and how can I not react to constantly having negative things getting said to me?!!

I'll stay quite for as long as I can.. but after a while.. I get a tone in my voice.. or I raise it

AND the fighting IS getting done infront of the kids.. He has no problem.. walking in and fighting with me while I'm giving my kids a bath.. my sons will "lock" themselve in a room... OR their needs are being completely NOT being met cause of non stop fighting

[trailmix 77]

well everybody has good suggestions.... I have tried to speak with a Imam (religious leader ) but he would not go.. he sat in the car our mutual friend is trying to be a mediator between us.. but now she is more on my side.. just telling me to stay quite.. not react.. to treat him like a baby...

BUT he is not a baby.. he is almost 40.. and how can I not react to constantly having negative things getting said to me?!!

I'll stay quite for as long as I can.. but after a while.. I get a tone in my voice.. or I raise it

AND the fighting IS getting done infront of the kids.. He has no problem.. walking in and fighting with me while I'm giving my kids a bath.. my sons will "lock" themselve in a room... OR their needs are being completely NOT being met cause of non stop fighting

Stay quiet? I don't understand that advice at all.

Truly this is none of my business and I have to add I really feel for you. That said, I think it is time to give this up - even if only for the time being (I don't disagree with all of the - time to settle in comments - counselling etc - all solid ideas) - however, I can tell you are very uncomfortable (and rightfully so) with the way this is affecting your children.

It is time for a change, it's time to stop this. I'm not saying that you should throw in the marriage and kick him out etc etc - it seems even you think that perhaps it is a bit early in the show for that, however, I also think you know that the children shouldn't be going through this - you have pretty much said it without saying it - I totally agree with you.

[caybee 21]

well everybody has good suggestions.... I have tried to speak with a Imam (religious leader ) but he would not go.. he sat in the car our mutual friend is trying to be a mediator between us.. but now she is more on my side.. just telling me to stay quite.. not react.. to treat him like a baby...

BUT he is not a baby.. he is almost 40.. and how can I not react to constantly having negative things getting said to me?!!

I'll stay quite for as long as I can.. but after a while.. I get a tone in my voice.. or I raise it

AND the fighting IS getting done infront of the kids.. He has no problem.. walking in and fighting with me while I'm giving my kids a bath.. my sons will "lock" themselve in a room... OR their needs are being completely NOT being met cause of non stop fighting

It sounds like your sons are very afraid. Needs are food, clothing, shelter, safety, education... Those are not being met? Can you get your children into a situation where their needs are being met? Today?

[JenT 0]

IMHO this is not the sort of father-figure role model, or relationship role model that your children deserve. Were there any warning signs about his temper prior to him moving here?

Can your kids stay with someone this weekend so the two of you can sort all of this out?

Jen

[*JG* 2]

Stay quiet? Treat him like a baby? That advice just doesn't sit well with me at all. I personally believe you need to state your mind as frequently as it comes up. How is he to know what you are thinking, if you dont' tell him? Even if he ignores what you are saying, you will have stated what you are thinking.

It took a long time for Andre to adjust to the US. Some things came very easily. Others, just about split us up. Life is very difficult for an immigrant at first, and you, as the SO, take a brunt of that. It has been over a year later, and we are still facing challenges at times due to this whole process. You are able to either overcome those challenges or not. If you think it is worth saving, you will figure out a way that works for both of you. If he refuses to even talk this out, then, I'd say hope is lost. Make sure you make that really clear to him along the way.

I think if you are asking when enough is enough, then you are not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Because when it is time, I think you will KNOW.

[caybee 21]

The details you have given about your children are the most significant, I think. You've said their needs aren't being met, that they lock themselves in their room, and that your husband comes in to fight with you during their bath time (which to me means they are naked in a smallish room with one door, a room that probably amplifies sound if this man they don't know well is yelling, a very unsafe feeling if I try to imagine it). I also see that your children are your biggest concern, and I agree with you. Adjustment struggles are normal now, but this has gone beyond normal with the kids. It's a boundary issue. I do hope you're able to get your children a break from all of this, regardless of what else you decide to do. Even if your husband refuses to go with you, I hope you will seek counseling alone. Your friend may mean well, but I don't think she's giving you the best advice. And just in case things should go beyond yelling, even one time, please have a plan in place now for the sake of your children.