Adjusting to the New life... and when enough is enough

[deemabrouk 0]

When do you just throw in the towel??!!!

I know that it is a HUGE transition for your SO to move to the US.. or any other country... Especially when it is VERY different... EVERYBODY told me it would be hard.. but this is NUTZ!!!!!!

BUT.. the transition seems to be over the top... when do you know things will NOT get any better?!

When do you just decided this isnt working...

If I didnt have kids.. I could probably put up with More.. But I DO have kids.. and I dont think they need to be dragged through all this.....

I am lost and confused.... and fed up

[JenT 0]

I would suggest that mutual respect and a commitment to build a life together is critical to the success of any relationship. There are varying stages of love in the life cycle of a relationship, and I think these are even more pronounced for us here on VJ because of the separation and the process we have to endure, but as long as two people are willing to build upon their foundation and keep intimacy between themselves (not just physical, but emotional as well), then 'things' are worth salvaging.

Jen

edited to add: it's only been 2+ weeks for you together... have you really given it enough time??? Unless there's abuse involved, I would suggest patience as well.....

Edited August 1, 2007 by JenT

[Kez/JWolf 6]

As you have given us no idea what sort of issues you are having it is very difficult to say if what you are dealing with is just adjusting to everything new or not.... but as you have only been together for 2 weeks maybe you need more time.... only you know what you are happy to put up with while the initial period of adjustment is going on...

Good Luck

Kez

[sara535 15]

Dee, I know this is hard for you and you werent expecting it to be this difficult, but I also think you need more time. Its only been what, 3 weeks? when my husband and I were going through some (many) 'adjustment problems', we always agreed that after all the ####### and waiting it took to get him here we were going to stick it out at least for the same amount of time it took for us to get his visa. and guess what, by the time we made it to that point the major adjustments had passed or at least diminished and here we are 3 years later doing pretty good

Just remember all the good things that brought you 2 together in the first place and try to keep that in your mind for a while.

[onwa 6]

The first few months are the hardest. Especially beacuse both partners had different expectations and both are trying hard to make their expectations still work. I wouldn't give up just yet.

[ya falaha! 0]

Look at his behavior and take away the fact that he's new to this country. Would you put up with this behavior if he was American? Being new to the country is no excuse for over the top behavior. Think about the impact on the children. Do you think his behavior is harmful to them? Listen to your instincts.

I'm so sorry about this, Dee.

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

from my own experience it takes more than 2 weeks to adjust to the new life.

I am not even sure if I am completely adjusted yet after 8 months.

Give it some more time and talk to each other.

This is the only advise I can give from my experience.

Good luck

[deemabrouk 0]

Look at his behavior and take away the fact that he's new to this country. Would you put up with this behavior if he was American? Being new to the country is no excuse for over the top behavior. Think about the impact on the children. Do you think his behavior is harmful to them? Listen to your instincts.

I'm so sorry about this, Dee.

hahaa.. its funny you put it like that.... cause honestly his A$$ would of been out the door.. BUT also .. it IS easier if he had someone to stay with friends/ family for some space.. and/ or I wasnt the ONLY person he had here (which yes IS very hard on him)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder???

[ya falaha! 0]

He is here on a K3 so he can go back to Egypt and come back if things work out. I know you probably don't have the funds for this but it's something to consider. You really shouldn't have to deal with this kind of behavior. Your boys shouldn't have to deal with it either. They didn't ask to be put in this situation.

[Mags 112]

Again, this depends on the type of behaviour you are having to put up with. Moodiness and being a little angry can all be part of the adjustment process. As can frustration. He is now depending on you for financial support (I presume) and this can be a little ego-deflating for some men (not all, granted). Having to depend on one's wife can be too much to bear, espcially from nations where the man is regarded as the breadwinner and the woman is cared for by him.

Things you shouldn't put up with in any way is threatening behaviour and violence. There is no excuse for that. Ever.

Edited August 1, 2007 by Mags

[Fandango 1,440]

If you or your children's lives are in danger, then RUN!

But otherwise, before you're ready to end it...is whatever you're going through just really awful adjustments? Are you certain this isn't just temporary?

I wish you well.

[Kang Lang 7]

i don't know your situation at all so i wouldn't dare to judge but another point to consider is that for example in my case (USC) i am sort of the grumpy one who is adjusting. having to adjust to having someone in what has always been my space. fortunately my fiance is patient and he just giggles at my idiosyncracies.

maybe it's an adjustment you are making as well?

[deemabrouk 0]

well I know I am going through a adjustment too... sharing a space can be hard when you are not used to it....

and for him... I just DONT know if this will end. I think he is 100% different... mmm.. maybe 90% different. I expected some bumps... but everyday fighting?! every Sunday seems to be the day for a HUGE blow out. Everything seems to be an issue... me, the kids, my family...

I know talking about it and living it is completely different..... BUT i dont know where the line is drawn... when I can write this off as an adjustment or are there some major red flags going off

my tolerance would be alot higher if I was alone.. but I have a 5 & 6 yr old dealing with all this too

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Perhaps some joint counseling would help so he can see some of the other adjustments he has to make and you can see some of the ones you may need to make? Then, perhaps, if you realize you are two different people with totally different living styles for which you can find no compromise, it is time to throw in the towel. Good luck. I am sorry it is so difficult for you

[Mrs.J06 4]

Sounds like he is frustrated and feels like a failure for not bringing home money. In some ways I understand, but he needs to understand how difficult things are for you, too.

Did you make clear how you are feeling right now? Talk to him, try to make him understand, see if he makes an effort to make it work.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

On a side note, I guess I was surprised to see that he's only been here such a short time. Seems like most immigrants are quite happy and exited in this first stage, and the frustration sets in later, when daily life gets them (that's what is was like for me, anyway). Does he see anything positive in his new life at all?