Yo! Happy Wednesday!!!!

[Marry American 0]

In a perfect world.

I would like to know what 100% means to you. What-cooking, cleaning, being supportive, working, caring for children? Not all, but a definition just to get an idea.

Edited August 1, 2007 by i adore you

[♥JP♥ 5]

If the behavior of your SO is affecting your children then it's time to take some action. No way would I allow my husband to make my children uncomfortable in their home. Children come first.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to know when to walk away. I think Dee is thinking the way she should be, as a mother. Maybe if she didn't have kids she might be willing to deal with this longer, but it seems to me that she is thinking about her kids and how this is affecting them also which I think is great.

Its true that its hard to adapt to living in this country, but that doesn't mean that he can just sit back and not put forth any effort.

Walking away from your husband after just a month or so of him being here is a good idea?

Thats a blanket statement which I have never said, so don't put words in my mouth. My advice is given for the specific situation at hand. Dee isn't simply just walking away or throwing in the towel, if you read her posts you can clearly see there is no effort coming from his side at all. As Peezey said before, Dee is not the one that needs to change, he does.

If he doesn't change or doesn't want to change, what other choice does she have?

You didn't? The words were out of your mouth. And sometimes, your mate will give no effort or less than you and at other times he will work harder.

The choice is to work on the situation. If he is not putting forth effort, then that is something else that needs to be worked on.

I said "sometimes you need to know when to walk away" I didn't say "walking away after a month is a good idea". Those are 2 very different statements and my advice is being given for *this* particular situation at hand.

Like I said, to work on a situation requires both parties to put in effort. If one party is not willing to put forth any effort then it won't work.

Its not acceptable for a mate not put forth any effort and if that is something you are willing to accept that is your choice. However I would not ever accept to be with someone that didn't give me 100% everyday, which is exactly what I would do for him.

I know more people wish they were like you and your husband; sounds perfect

And like I said, at times in most any given relationship, people give and take at different levels. Different levels are needed at times. For example, I gave a lot more time getting my situated when he first came. Now he is putting for more effort.

With the up and downs of life, I find it hard to give 100% to important people at all times.

Putting in 100% to get him a visa is not what I mean by putting a 100% in a marriage. I worked very hard to get my fiance here, harder than most but I don't feel as if he owes me anything for that. Marriage is hard work, daily work, that never stops. If things are already this bad and its only been a month, I can't imagine where it will go from there.

[♥JP♥ 5]

In a perfect world.

I would like to know what 100% means to you. What-cooking, cleaning, being supportive, working, caring for children? Not all, but a definition just to get an idea.

It can mean different things to different people, so my preferences are not important here. Everyone woman has different expectations of thier mate, so whatever you feel is 100% is all that matters.

Not every problem can be worked out, and knowing when to walk away is important.

[doodlebug 3]

In a perfect world.

I would like to know what 100% means to you. What-cooking, cleaning, being supportive, working, caring for children? Not all, but a definition just to get an idea.

Compromise is key, too. My husband agreed to marry me knowing that he needs to work at his relationship with my children. I agreed to marry him knowing that he is the only son in a family where the mother and father are deceased and that he needs to support his sisters until they are married. I'm sure that won't be easy for me 100% of the time especially if it means he has to fly there when problems occur and I'm sure it won't be easy for him 100% of the time especially when it means he is dealing with 3 (4 counting the cat) women who will be pms'ing at various times of the month.

[Marry American 0]

If the behavior of your SO is affecting your children then it's time to take some action. No way would I allow my husband to make my children uncomfortable in their home. Children come first.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to know when to walk away. I think Dee is thinking the way she should be, as a mother. Maybe if she didn't have kids she might be willing to deal with this longer, but it seems to me that she is thinking about her kids and how this is affecting them also which I think is great.

Its true that its hard to adapt to living in this country, but that doesn't mean that he can just sit back and not put forth any effort.

Walking away from your husband after just a month or so of him being here is a good idea?

Thats a blanket statement which I have never said, so don't put words in my mouth. My advice is given for the specific situation at hand. Dee isn't simply just walking away or throwing in the towel, if you read her posts you can clearly see there is no effort coming from his side at all. As Peezey said before, Dee is not the one that needs to change, he does.

If he doesn't change or doesn't want to change, what other choice does she have?

You didn't? The words were out of your mouth. And sometimes, your mate will give no effort or less than you and at other times he will work harder.

The choice is to work on the situation. If he is not putting forth effort, then that is something else that needs to be worked on.

I said "sometimes you need to know when to walk away" I didn't say "walking away after a month is a good idea". Those are 2 very different statements and my advice is being given for *this* particular situation at hand.

Like I said, to work on a situation requires both parties to put in effort. If one party is not willing to put forth any effort then it won't work.

Its not acceptable for a mate not put forth any effort and if that is something you are willing to accept that is your choice. However I would not ever accept to be with someone that didn't give me 100% everyday, which is exactly what I would do for him.

I know more people wish they were like you and your husband; sounds perfect

And like I said, at times in most any given relationship, people give and take at different levels. Different levels are needed at times. For example, I gave a lot more time getting my situated when he first came. Now he is putting for more effort.

With the up and downs of life, I find it hard to give 100% to important people at all times.

Putting in 100% to get him a visa is not what I mean by putting a 100% in a marriage. I worked very hard to get my fiance here, harder than most but I don't feel as if he owes me anything for that. Marriage is hard work, daily work, that never stops. If things are already this bad and its only been a month, I can't imagine where it will go from there.

I knew what you meant. I am not familiar with your case. My visa was approved in a pretty good time, but I still think I put forth 100% getting him here as well. My 100% was what I did. He also put 100% in coming here; he is here. He made a way. All I did was mail paperwork to DHS and to him.

I agree with you. Things should not be that extreme in a month. I think my POV (just like yours) is that it is hard work. I work hard everyday trying to get along with my husband. He is a strong minded person just like I am. All I am saying is that a month may be a little too early to walk away or throw in the towel.

God forbid if cheating occurred or worse things we all know could happen that may have been mentioned on VJ before. Most of the opinion would be to end the marriage.

My grandparents have been married 60 years. My grandmother married him at 16. When he was away in the army, she found out that he cheated on her several times. Well, she stayed with him and they have had a perfect marital relationship ever since. Sometimes things may appear awful at first and then in the long run, wind up perfectly or as they should.

Edited August 1, 2007 by i adore you

[peezey 0]

My grandparents have been married 60 years. My grandmother married him at 16. When he was away in the army, she found out that he cheated on her several times. Well, she stayed with him and they have had a perfect mariatl realtionship ever since. Sometimes things may appear awful at first and then in the long run, wind up perfectly or as they should.

Women have choices, now, that they didn't have 60 years ago.

[Marry American 0]

She had choices too. She made the perfect choice. She was not pregant. She did not have her first child until may many years later. She was very young. She could have gone home to her parents at any given time.

[♥JP♥ 5]

If the behavior of your SO is affecting your children then it's time to take some action. No way would I allow my husband to make my children uncomfortable in their home. Children come first.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to know when to walk away. I think Dee is thinking the way she should be, as a mother. Maybe if she didn't have kids she might be willing to deal with this longer, but it seems to me that she is thinking about her kids and how this is affecting them also which I think is great.

Its true that its hard to adapt to living in this country, but that doesn't mean that he can just sit back and not put forth any effort.

Walking away from your husband after just a month or so of him being here is a good idea?

Thats a blanket statement which I have never said, so don't put words in my mouth. My advice is given for the specific situation at hand. Dee isn't simply just walking away or throwing in the towel, if you read her posts you can clearly see there is no effort coming from his side at all. As Peezey said before, Dee is not the one that needs to change, he does.

If he doesn't change or doesn't want to change, what other choice does she have?

You didn't? The words were out of your mouth. And sometimes, your mate will give no effort or less than you and at other times he will work harder.

The choice is to work on the situation. If he is not putting forth effort, then that is something else that needs to be worked on.

I said "sometimes you need to know when to walk away" I didn't say "walking away after a month is a good idea". Those are 2 very different statements and my advice is being given for *this* particular situation at hand.

Like I said, to work on a situation requires both parties to put in effort. If one party is not willing to put forth any effort then it won't work.

Its not acceptable for a mate not put forth any effort and if that is something you are willing to accept that is your choice. However I would not ever accept to be with someone that didn't give me 100% everyday, which is exactly what I would do for him.

I know more people wish they were like you and your husband; sounds perfect

And like I said, at times in most any given relationship, people give and take at different levels. Different levels are needed at times. For example, I gave a lot more time getting my situated when he first came. Now he is putting for more effort.

With the up and downs of life, I find it hard to give 100% to important people at all times.

Putting in 100% to get him a visa is not what I mean by putting a 100% in a marriage. I worked very hard to get my fiance here, harder than most but I don't feel as if he owes me anything for that. Marriage is hard work, daily work, that never stops. If things are already this bad and its only been a month, I can't imagine where it will go from there.

I knew what you meant. I am not famililar with your case. My visa was apporved in a pretty good time, but I still think I put forth 100% getting him here as well. My 100% was what I did. He also put 100% in coming here; he is here. He made a way. All I did was mail paperwork to DHS and to him.

I agree with you. Things should not be that extreme in a month. I think my POV (just like yours) is that it is hard work. I work hard everyday trying to get along with my husband. He is a strong minded person just like I am. All I am saying is that a month may be a little too early to walk away or throw in the towel.

God forbid if cheating occured or worse things we all know could happen that may have been mentioned on VJ before. Most of the opinion would be to end the marriage.

My grandparents have been married 60 years. My grandmother married him at 16. When he was away in the army, she found out that he cheated on her several times. Well, she stayed with him and they have had a perfect mariatl realtionship ever since. Sometimes things may appear awful at first and then in the long run, wind up perfectly or as they should.

Actually you are familiar with my case, but we can save that for another day/time. I'm not exactly your favorite person on VJ. Regardless, everyone is different in what they can handle. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that this is hard to deal with but its up to each person to decide how much they can handle. No one in my family is divorced, except me so its not exactly something that is accepted in my family. However I know if given the choice all of my the women in my family would have gotten a divorce because they all had miserable marriages.

Things don't wind up perfectly, the women just become doormats. I look at my marriages of aunts/uncles in my family and ofcourse I would like to think things ended up perfectly because they are still married. However I know in my heart that its not because I know exactly what they went through. No one needs to settle in this day and age.

[mybackpages 0]

Every woman on this forum should be with a man that values her everyday and that gives her 100% everyday. If you accept less than that, then you are short changing yourself.

One of the best statements on MENA ever!

She had choices too. She made the perfect choice. She was not pregant. She did not have her first child until may many years later. She was very young. She could have gone home to her parents at any given time.

How can anyone explain the tangibles of something so intangible? We all know what our 100% means. You can't list it out like a shopping list.

[Caladan 19]

Something that would be good for dee, or anyone facing this to do, is to go somewhere alone, get a coffee or whatever helps you think, and write down some lists.

1) What do I want

2) What do I think is wrong here

3) How I think we can fix it

4) What am I willing to do if we can't.

[Marry American 0]

If the behavior of your SO is affecting your children then it's time to take some action. No way would I allow my husband to make my children uncomfortable in their home. Children come first.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to know when to walk away. I think Dee is thinking the way she should be, as a mother. Maybe if she didn't have kids she might be willing to deal with this longer, but it seems to me that she is thinking about her kids and how this is affecting them also which I think is great.

Its true that its hard to adapt to living in this country, but that doesn't mean that he can just sit back and not put forth any effort.

Walking away from your husband after just a month or so of him being here is a good idea?

Thats a blanket statement which I have never said, so don't put words in my mouth. My advice is given for the specific situation at hand. Dee isn't simply just walking away or throwing in the towel, if you read her posts you can clearly see there is no effort coming from his side at all. As Peezey said before, Dee is not the one that needs to change, he does.

If he doesn't change or doesn't want to change, what other choice does she have?

You didn't? The words were out of your mouth. And sometimes, your mate will give no effort or less than you and at other times he will work harder.

The choice is to work on the situation. If he is not putting forth effort, then that is something else that needs to be worked on.

I said "sometimes you need to know when to walk away" I didn't say "walking away after a month is a good idea". Those are 2 very different statements and my advice is being given for *this* particular situation at hand.

Like I said, to work on a situation requires both parties to put in effort. If one party is not willing to put forth any effort then it won't work.

Its not acceptable for a mate not put forth any effort and if that is something you are willing to accept that is your choice. However I would not ever accept to be with someone that didn't give me 100% everyday, which is exactly what I would do for him.

I know more people wish they were like you and your husband; sounds perfect

And like I said, at times in most any given relationship, people give and take at different levels. Different levels are needed at times. For example, I gave a lot more time getting my situated when he first came. Now he is putting for more effort.

With the up and downs of life, I find it hard to give 100% to important people at all times.

Putting in 100% to get him a visa is not what I mean by putting a 100% in a marriage. I worked very hard to get my fiance here, harder than most but I don't feel as if he owes me anything for that. Marriage is hard work, daily work, that never stops. If things are already this bad and its only been a month, I can't imagine where it will go from there.

I knew what you meant. I am not famililar with your case. My visa was apporved in a pretty good time, but I still think I put forth 100% getting him here as well. My 100% was what I did. He also put 100% in coming here; he is here. He made a way. All I did was mail paperwork to DHS and to him.

I agree with you. Things should not be that extreme in a month. I think my POV (just like yours) is that it is hard work. I work hard everyday trying to get along with my husband. He is a strong minded person just like I am. All I am saying is that a month may be a little too early to walk away or throw in the towel.

God forbid if cheating occured or worse things we all know could happen that may have been mentioned on VJ before. Most of the opinion would be to end the marriage.

My grandparents have been married 60 years. My grandmother married him at 16. When he was away in the army, she found out that he cheated on her several times. Well, she stayed with him and they have had a perfect mariatl realtionship ever since. Sometimes things may appear awful at first and then in the long run, wind up perfectly or as they should.

Actually you are familiar with my case, but we can save that for another day/time. I'm not exactly your favorite person on VJ. Regardless, everyone is different in what they can handle. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that this is hard to deal with but its up to each person to decide how much they can handle. No one in my family is divorced, except me so its not exactly something that is accepted in my family. However I know if given the choice all of my the women in my family would have gotten a divorce because they all had miserable marriages.

Things don't wind up perfectly, the women just become doormats. I look at my marriages of aunts/uncles in my family and ofcourse I would like to think things ended up perfectly because they are still married. However I know in my heart that its not because I know exactly what they went through. No one needs to settle in this day and age.

True! I know who you are. I said I am unfamiliar with your visa case, not you. Somethings do not wind up perfectly. Somethings do. Example-my grandparents and she was no doormat either. Never settle. Divorce should be a last resort. Not just 'it is not working after a month', divorce.

Edited August 1, 2007 by i adore you

[mybackpages 0]

Something that would be good for dee, or anyone facing this to do, is to go somewhere alone, get a coffee or whatever helps you think, and write down some lists.

1) What do I want

2) What do I think is wrong here

3) How I think we can fix it

4) What am I willing to do if we can't.

I find writing out and rewriting really helps!

oooh I just noticed your signature link to the wedding pics! Lovely just lovely!

[♥JP♥ 5]

True! I know who you are. I said I am unfamiliar with your visa case not you. Somethings do not wind up perfectly. Somethings do. Example-my grandparents and she was no doormat either. Never settle. Divorce should be a last resort. Not just 'it is not working after a month', divorce.

I agree divorce should be a last resort. However marriage is not something to rush into either as many have on this forum. I think the OP knows if she is ready to resort to that and if she comes to that realization after a month, than that is her choice because she knows what is best for her and her family.

I see so much focus on divorce being last resort but not enough focus on establishing a solid foundation before jumping into marriage.

[Marry American 0]

Every woman on this forum should be with a man that values her everyday and that gives her 100% everyday. If you accept less than that, then you are short changing yourself.

One of the best statements on MENA ever!

She had choices too. She made the perfect choice. She was not pregant. She did not have her first child until may many years later. She was very young. She could have gone home to her parents at any given time.

How can anyone explain the tangibles of something so intangible? We all know what our 100% means. You can't list it out like a shopping list.

My compter is acting up now. I posted this same thing 5x. Here goes again.

I can write a book on my needs and how my husband can meet them. I also can express it.

True! I know who you are. I said I am unfamiliar with your visa case not you. Somethings do not wind up perfectly. Somethings do. Example-my grandparents and she was no doormat either. Never settle. Divorce should be a last resort. Not just 'it is not working after a month', divorce.

I agree divorce should be a last resort. However marriage is not something to rush into either as many have on this forum. I think the OP knows if she is ready to resort to that and if she comes to that realization after a month, than that is her choice because she knows what is best for her and her family.

I see so much focus on divorce being last resort but not enough focus on establishing a solid foundation before jumping into marriage.

THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU HAVE SAID

I'm out. Just wanted to post my opinion for a bit.

Edited August 1, 2007 by i adore you

[♥JP♥ 5]

Every woman on this forum should be with a man that values her everyday and that gives her 100% everyday. If you accept less than that, then you are short changing yourself.

One of the best statements on MENA ever!

She had choices too. She made the perfect choice. She was not pregant. She did not have her first child until may many years later. She was very young. She could have gone home to her parents at any given time.

How can anyone explain the tangibles of something so intangible? We all know what our 100% means. You can't list it out like a shopping list.

My compter is acting up now. I posted this same thing 5x. Here goes again.

I can write a book on my needs and how my husband can meet them. I also can express it.

True! I know who you are. I said I am unfamiliar with your visa case not you. Somethings do not wind up perfectly. Somethings do. Example-my grandparents and she was no doormat either. Never settle. Divorce should be a last resort. Not just 'it is not working after a month', divorce.

I agree divorce should be a last resort. However marriage is not something to rush into either as many have on this forum. I think the OP knows if she is ready to resort to that and if she comes to that realization after a month, than that is her choice because she knows what is best for her and her family.

I see so much focus on divorce being last resort but not enough focus on establishing a solid foundation before jumping into marriage.

THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU HAVE SAID

I'm out. Just wanted to post my opinion for a bit.

Thanks, I guess