My beneficiary is not telling the truth...

[JeanneAdil 6,414]

Trying to get her to understand  may bring on one of her symptoms / she may think u are going to abandon her 

 

The hard road you could take would be to go to the family fully loaded with your understanding of her symptoms and the word "enable"

explain they are not helping her if they continue to enable .  Yes, this can cause bad feelings with the family but u r a dr and have had to explain difficult diagnose i am sure.   The following symptoms make it almost impossible for her to understand herself especially the "shifting self-image"

you need their help in this matter.

 

The 9 symptoms of BPD

• Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. ...
• Unstable relationships. ...
• Unclear or shifting self-image. ...
• Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
• Self-harm. ...
• Extreme emotional swings. ...
• Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
• Explosive anger.

Edited September 28, 2023 by JeanneAdil

[beloved_dingo 1,976]

BPD is a very, very difficult mental illness to struggle with. I have a family member that suffers from it. This is not addressing the immigration aspect, but the thing about BPD is that the person suffering from this condition must be willing to get therapy/treatment/etc. and admit that they have a problem if there is any chance for a happy, healthy relationship. Unfortunately, these are 2 massive hurdles for those with BPD, because they are often in denial about their condition and any effort from loved ones to encourage treatment is often met with feelings of betrayal from the person with BPD. This issue is compounded in your situation, because it sounds like her family is enabling her and you are the only voice of reason. Therefore, you become the "bad guy" and lose every time. 

 

Mental health issues are not the fault of the person suffering from those issues, but they still have to be held accountable for their actions. BPD causes extreme issues with emotional regulation (or more like, emotion regulation is simply non-existent). They cannot help these extreme emotions, but they must learn that their actions still have consequences. You have spent very little time in person with your wife, and she has already displayed extremely concerning behavior towards you. Threatening to hurt herself (throwing herself out of a car), calling 911 on you, throwing tantrums - these things will only continue to escalate if she is not willing to get help. 

 

You do need to spend more time in person if this relationship is going to continue, but I strongly encourage you to be very careful and make sure to protect your own wellbeing while you decide what to do and see if your relationship has a future. This may include documenting episodes she has, especially if they involve threats of harm (to herself or others). 

 

I wish you well going forward. I hope your wife is able to get help. 

Edited September 28, 2023 by beloved_dingo

[Crazy Cat 41,610]

32 minutes ago, beloved_dingo said:

BPD is a very, very difficult mental illness to struggle with.

As a retired Mental Health professional, I second that statement.  Borderline Personality Disorder is very complicated and requires consistent professional intervention, imho.  

Edited September 28, 2023 by Crazy Cat

[JeanneAdil 6,414]

1 hour ago, beloved_dingo said:

BPD is a very, very difficult mental illness to struggle with. I have a family member that suffers from it. This is not addressing the immigration aspect, but the thing about BPD is that the person suffering from this condition must be willing to get therapy/treatment/etc. and admit that they have a problem if there is any chance for a happy, healthy relationship. Unfortunately, these are 2 massive hurdles for those with BPD, because they are often in denial about their condition and any effort from loved ones to encourage treatment is often met with feelings of betrayal from the person with BPD. This issue is compounded in your situation, because it sounds like her family is enabling her and you are the only voice of reason. Therefore, you become the "bad guy" and lose every time. 

 

Mental health issues are not the fault of the person suffering from those issues, but they still have to be held accountable for their actions. BPD causes extreme issues with emotional regulation (or more like, emotion regulation is simply non-existent). They cannot help these extreme emotions, but they must learn that their actions still have consequences. You have spent very little time in person with your wife, and she has already displayed extremely concerning behavior towards you. Threatening to hurt herself (throwing herself out of a car), calling 911 on you, throwing tantrums - these things will only continue to escalate if she is not willing to get help. 

 

You do need to spend more time in person if this relationship is going to continue, but I strongly encourage you to be very careful and make sure to protect your own wellbeing while you decide what to do and see if your relationship has a future. This may include documenting episodes she has, especially if they involve threats of harm (to herself or others). 

 

I wish you well going forward. I hope your wife is able to get help. 

Well said 

[mam521 2,024]

From what you've said, it almost sounds like her parents are trying to "pawn" their problem child onto you because you're kind hearted and willing to take care of her.  As you've mentioned, there are a number of stigmas associated with family traditions of SE Asian families; wouldn't it be nice not to be associated with that if you're her parents? Maybe I'm a skeptic, but if her siblings have told you to run the other way, that is a warning you should actually factor into your considerations. 

 

My ex suffers from mental health issues and it was REALLY rough for a while.  Every ounce of your being wants to help that person, but until they actually want to be helped, your efforts will be fruitless.  No amount of positive reinforcement or the opposite with threats will change that.  I had to remove my children because it was an unhealthy environment for them to live in.  He's since gotten help and accepts that his issues are no different than say, a diabetic.  He requires medications to keep his brain chemistry in check, like a T1 diabetic requires insulin to keep blood sugars in check.  We have a healthy, positive relationship and coparent effectively.  He listens when I mention his behavior is a bit off and I think it's time to see the doctor for a revisit because he knows I really want my kids' dad to be at his best.  

 

With the little time you've spent and with the overlying mental health issues, do you actually know this person you are married to?  Yes, there's always the possibility of seeing her at her best, but only knowing her worst isn't healthy either.  

[SalishSea 17,745]

13 hours ago, SinghSaab1 said:

Yes they do need a visa. She does not have a job, go to school or any property back in Canada, so very likely will be denied. Her family encouraged it and wanted to do an adjustment of status, but I actually got quite upset with them and said "thats fraud, that will never ever happen". 

Her family’s attitude is exactly why people from their country who legitimately want to visit face higher rates of visa denials.

[JeanneAdil 6,414]

You have gotten a pile of good information above 

and u need to use any of it that u feel will help u

 

As far as an immigration case goes,  married and only spending 2 to 3 weeks together is a weak case

and how could she pass a interview and know all about u,  if she does not know about herself?

 

U say she is not telling u the truth,  in all honesty ,,  she doesn't know and understand the truth 

she's not lying, she's sick

[Boiler 45,314]

The English term is Sold a pup, not sure that translates.

[SinghSaab1 6]

10 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

You have gotten a pile of good information above 

and u need to use any of it that u feel will help u

 

As far as an immigration case goes,  married and only spending 2 to 3 weeks together is a weak case

and how could she pass a interview and know all about u,  if she does not know about herself?

 

U say she is not telling u the truth,  in all honesty ,,  she doesn't know and understand the truth 

she's not lying, she's sick

Thanks for your input. Yes I do see a bit of a reality check for me and have gotten more support here than from my in-laws which is very sad. 

That said, as to your advice on whether she is telling the truth. Well I was saying it from the standpoint of she is not being honest with herself, me, where her family is enabling her dishonesty by way of them saying and her wanting to do a B2 visa and do an adjustment of status when she gets here which is fraud as you know. Also, since she is a Canadian PR, she wants to now apply for her citizenship so she can physically come to the USA to be with me so the pressure is off her familys back (Asian families are weird) in the community in people asking "why hasnt she left yet" as its been close to over 2 years. To alleviate that, they have been trying to manipulate me saying "how I need support during Covid, and me recently being ill with covid, we can apply for a emergent B2 visa" all to later have an adjustment of status. The result? She gets to leave Canada, get the pressure of her family, and circumvent having to present any immediate medical history to any civil surgeon from the US Embassy. 

Manipulation? Yes. Quite disgusting yet ingenious (in a not so respectful way). 

[JeanneAdil 6,414]

Only time i saw an emergency B1/B2 visa (back when i was taking my son to Jacksonville florida at Mayo Clinic-they flew  a child in for emergency heart surgery and it was reported by local news media)

B1/B2 in this case was arranged between doctors.

International Patient Services. Every year, patients from more than 150 countries travel to Mayo Clinic for care. International patients 

 

Bringing your wife here to expose her to your covid sounds not only manipulative but crazy.

 

Nothing u can do about the Canadian citizen part of all this 

 

I think a consulatation with a lawyer is desperately needed as u will find out its very difficult to get a divorce when the other person is mentally ill in most US states if this is the way things will conclude

I am not saying "get a divorce"   but u need to know EVERYTHING and have all the facts and what u face and will face in the future

Good luck

i am sure u have all the prayers from this community

[Boiler 45,314]

I did not see the basis of an Emergency B unless she is seeking treatment in the US that is not available in Canada.

[SinghSaab1 6]

2 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

Only time i saw an emergency B1/B2 visa (back when i was taking my son to Jacksonville florida at Mayo Clinic-they flew  a child in for emergency heart surgery and it was reported by local news media)

B1/B2 in this case was arranged between doctors.

International Patient Services. Every year, patients from more than 150 countries travel to Mayo Clinic for care. International patients 

 

Bringing your wife here to expose her to your covid sounds not only manipulative but crazy.

 

Nothing u can do about the Canadian citizen part of all this 

 

I think a consulatation with a lawyer is desperately needed as u will find out its very difficult to get a divorce when the other person is mentally ill in most US states if this is the way things will conclude

I am not saying "get a divorce"   but u need to know EVERYTHING and have all the facts and what u face and will face in the future

Good luck

i am sure u have all the prayers from this community

Very sorry to hear about the circumstances about your son. That as I see is a situation that merits an emergent B2 Visa. I hope he is doing better. 

It is indeed very crazy. My mom who also had a cardiac arrest episode, my wife was hell bent on "wanting to come take care of her". Their aim is to get her out of there somehow no matter what it takes. I am being methodical in this in trying to see her through in getting help, but its not even her at this point, she is sick as you said, and dont truly blame her. Its her family. Individually they have told me some very scary details, but then their mom, fires them up to become her savior and practically leaving me high and dry. 

Thats all I want. I want to know her history, and hopefully get her the help she needs and if she doesnt want to then thats it. I cannot jepordize my life and my family's mental health moreso than it has. 

Thank you again for your input. 

[JeanneAdil 6,414]

1 hour ago, SinghSaab1 said:

Very sorry to hear about the circumstances about your son. That as I see is a situation that merits an emergent B2 Visa. I hope he is doing better. 
NO ,  we were there for back surggery ,  he's a USC  /we just heard on the news of this little girl 
It is indeed very crazy. My mom who also had a cardiac arrest episode, my wife was hell bent on "wanting to come take care of her". Their aim is to get her out of there somehow no matter what it takes. I am being methodical in this in trying to see her through in getting help, but its not even her at this point, she is sick as you said, and dont truly blame her. Its her family. Individually they have told me some very scary details, but then their mom, fires them up to become her savior and practically leaving me high and dry. 

Thats all I want. I want to know her history, and hopefully get her the help she needs and if she doesnt want to then thats it. I cannot jepordize my life and my family's mental health moreso than it has. 
Good
Thank you again for your input. 

 

[Amunah 62]

Is there a way for you to spend time with her without close presence of her family members? A significant time together, even if it is in intervals? Just to book some spot in Canada and go? So you find out on your own, without their input? 

[SinghSaab1 6]

3 hours ago, Amunah said:

Is there a way for you to spend time with her without close presence of her family members? A significant time together, even if it is in intervals? Just to book some spot in Canada and go? So you find out on your own, without their input? 

I kind of did do this. 

Got a hotel resort thing set up. Everything was good. She got mad at me for not letting her mom and dad come to our room at 4 am. Why didnt I let it? Well lets just say being a grown man with a grown woman, I could figure out how to uber eats medicine or ask the front desk, let alone we had just finished being intimate. She threw a fit and I told her to lower her voice to where she called 911. Thankfully I recorded it all. She just told the police she had a panic attack and had not taken her meds. 

She doesnt drive or have much independence. I can def try again but I know how she is. She thinks her mother is God. I am not being cynical in this. She legit thinks her mom is God's gift to earth. Nothing against the lady but she wants me to continually just please her mom. If her mom sneezes, she expects me to call her mom and tell her to go to the doctor. While i am indeed a caring person and have extended my care to them, this is turmoil. I know what I described isnt normal nor acceptable. My hope is her family stops being in denial, help me out to get her help, and give this marriage a chance. 

Lying to immigration? Hell no. Will never happen on my watch. She is my wife and if she wishes to come to the USA there is only one way to legally come in obtaining a visa that leads to a green card.