Big fight, husband crossed a line

[SalishSea 17,819]

4 hours ago, Lemonslice said:

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
~Maya Angelou

 

...

He is telling you he won't/doesn't want to change. Believe him.

So much this!

[SalishSea 17,819]

On 7/4/2023 at 4:15 PM, Bigdaddy288 said:

If him calling you the B word made you feel unsafe or unloved, pack your clothes and leave. 

 

Coming from someone who was married for 13 years and hoping for more years to come and this is my genuine advice: don't leave. Communicate with your husband. Tell him what your expectations and what you want from him. He should tell you his as well. Once that is established I think both of you will be able to communicate better and respectfully. You have to ask him what are his expectations as well and realize that a marriage is a 2 way Street. Respect does not come without expressing your expectations, how you feel about situations and your goals. 

 

Last night's argument was your ice breaker to establish that so you can have a healthy successful happy marriage. 

 

I pray for you two to figure it out. But trust me, marriage demands thick skin. And once you communicate you will go through your ups and downs a lot easier together. 

I call BS on this.   Maybe it’s an age thing, but at my age, no way would I tolerate being called an(removed)  by a spouse, or anyone else for that matter.   Would much rather be alone than with someone who treated me that way.

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
by-passing language filter

[Lemonslice 4,836]

54 minutes ago, SalishSea said:

I call BS on this.   Maybe it’s an age thing, but at my age, no way would I tolerate being called an f-ing B by a spouse, or anyone else for that matter.   Would much rather be alone than with someone who treated me that way.

Short of someone being temporarily intoxicated and willing to get help for their substance abuse problem, or someone behaving erratically and needing medical treatment, no way I would continue to interact with someone calling me names. Nope. 

[Bigdaddy288 16]

On 7/4/2023 at 7:23 PM, SalishSea said:

I call BS on this.   Maybe it’s an age thing, but at my age, no way would I tolerate being called an(removed) by a spouse, or anyone else for that matter.   Would much rather be alone than with someone who treated me that way.

I didn't say tolerate it. I said communicate your expectations which should include respect from that spouse. The issue with many newly weds is they expect the other spouse to meet their non communicated expectation like that spouse is able to read minds. It doesn't work that way. 

 

Communication of expectations, goals and other stuff should happen before marriage in order to be in the same page and that would eliminate the being surprised by unknown things in marriage; which a lot of newer generations run to divorce as a solution. 

Divorce should be a last resort, not an lightly chosen option. Sit down with your spouse and figure it out, that's how old school did it and they learned to love each other with their flaws. 

 

 

Again I didn't say tolerate the behavior, I said communicate and if it happens again than use other option which might include separation or divorce. 

 

Men are not mind readers, and women are not either. Instead of walking off of a relationship because something simple, put your feelings aside and fix it. 

 

The true BS will be giving up at the beginning of the road because the man expects to be treated as king or the woman being treated as a queen when both are not on the same page. 

 

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
edited quoted part for language

[Bigdaddy288 16]

3 hours ago, SalishSea said:

I call BS on this.   Maybe it’s an age thing, but at my age, no way would I tolerate being called an f-ing B by a spouse, or anyone else for that matter.   Would much rather be alone than with someone who treated me that way.

This mentality is the reason why divorce rates are higher than 50 years ago. It destroys the fundamentals of marriage which are communication, respect and working together.  

 

Those 3 come even before love. Love fades away after a short while. Learning those 3 will make you dive deeper than love itself. 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Bigdaddy288

[Lemonslice 4,836]

3 minutes ago, Bigdaddy288 said:

I didn't say tolerate it. I said communicate your expectations which should include respect from that spouse. The issue with many newly weds is they expect the other spouse to meet their non communicated expectation like that spouse is able to read minds. It doesn't work that way. 

 

Communication of expectations, goals and other stuff should happen before marriage in order to be in the same page and that would eliminate the being surprised by unknown things in marriage; which a lot of newer generations run to divorce as a solution. 

Divorce should be a last resort, not an lightly chosen option. Sit down with your spouse and figure it out, that's how old school did it and they learned to love each other with their flaws. 

 

 

Again I didn't say tolerate the behavior, I said communicate and if it happens again than use other option which might include separation or divorce. 

 

Men are not mind readers, and women are not either. Instead of walking off of a relationship because something simple, put your feelings aside and fix it. 

 

The true BS will be giving up at the beginning of the road because the man expects to be treated as king or the woman being treated as a queen when both are not on the same page. 

 

Ok...

 

They're adults, they should know the basics of life, such as respect.  If not, for me, I'm sorry, but they are too far behind.  Who knows, maybe OP is into raising unruly children. 

 

Communication is good, but there's still no excuse for disrespect. 

[Bigdaddy288 16]

Just now, Lemonslice said:

Ok...

 

They're adults, they should know the basics of life, such as respect.  If not, for me, I'm sorry, but they are too far behind.  Who knows, maybe OP is into raising unruly children. 

 

Communication is good, but there's still no excuse for disrespect. 

I agree. But you can't factor out the human part. 

 

Every single human gets angry and says what they don't mean. What does that mean? Divorce and walk away? 

No, communicate and if the issue is not fix, than walk away and divorce. 

[Bigdaddy288 16]

3 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

Ok...

 

They're adults, they should know the basics of life, such as respect.  If not, for me, I'm sorry, but they are too far behind.  Who knows, maybe OP is into raising unruly children. 

 

Communication is good, but there's still no excuse for disrespect. 

 

 

But as you said OP is an adult and they know what's best for them. I might be to old school, but I dont give up without fixing first. If fixing is not an option for me than I walk away. 

 

Apologies if my views are too outdated. 

[SalishSea 17,819]

11 minutes ago, Bigdaddy288 said:

This mentality is the reason why divorce rates are higher than 50 years ago. It destroys the fundamentals of marriage which are communication, respect and working together.  

 

Those 3 come even before love. Love fades away after a short while. Learning those 3 will make you dive deeper than love itself. 

 

Nope, sorry.   
 

OP’s spouse called her those names.  There is no respect there.   

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by SalishSea

[SalishSea 17,819]

10 minutes ago, Bigdaddy288 said:

I agree. But you can't factor out the human part. 

 

Every single human gets angry and says what they don't mean. What does that mean? Divorce and walk away? 

No, communicate and if the issue is not fix, than walk away and divorce. 

I would never be with someone who thought it was okay to call me names like that.   Full stop.   Maybe your experience with women is that they tolerate it.

[Bigdaddy288 16]

Just now, SalishSea said:

I would never be with someone who thought it was okay to call me names like that.   Full stop.   Maybe your experience with women is that they tolerate it.

 

Thanks for assuming that was my experience, but you know what assuming makes out of you. 

 

But to each their own. I value a relationship (especially a spouse), and I think those need harder work than walking away. 

 

Good night 

[SalishSea 17,819]

1 minute ago, Bigdaddy288 said:

 

Thanks for assuming that was my experience, but you know what assuming makes out of you. 

 

But to each their own. I value a relationship (especially a spouse), and I think those need harder work than walking away. 

 

Good night 

No one here is saying it’s not hard work-  you don’t get to my age without realizing that.   The point is with the hard work, there are boundaries.   And name calling like that is one of them.   It is abuse.

 

 

[Lemonslice 4,836]

1 minute ago, Bigdaddy288 said:

I agree. But you can't factor out the human part. 

 

Every single human gets angry and says what they don't mean. What does that mean? Divorce and walk away? 

No, communicate and if the issue is not fix, than walk away and divorce. 

Being angry happens, again, it's not an excuse. 

 

Respecting myself is something I will not give away. If you feel you can respect yourself while being called names, and that your spouse will improve their behaviour, good.

 

OP's spouse has said they won't change though.  Why stay with someone who clearly doesn't care, and who's repeatedly angry? Why? Simply to prevent the divorce statistics from offending you?

 

I'm sorry, you said that marriage is hard work.  Maybe yours is, mine isn't. We get along.  We get angry at times, but not angry at each other, and we certainly don't call each other names, or disrespect one another in other ways.  That's not something I would want in my life, being married isn't an obligation - and, to me, isn't worth losing my self esteem.   

 

Everyone is free to set their boundaries, and I'm not sure why it would bad if people in bad marriages divorce.  We only have one life to live, there is no medal for being miserable [I'm not young, getting close to retirement 😆 I'm happily married, never divorced.  Planning our 15th anniversary celebration.  Still, both my husband and myself are very clear on what would be unacceptable behaviours].

 

I don't think your views are outdated, I think they're dangerous.   But, good thing is you live your life how you want, and others do their things.

 

....

 

OP, sorry for the rambling here.

[Jason and May 79]

The psychotherapist in me always creeps in on these types of questions. 

 

In a normal back and forth, people give advice all the time. And you asked for advice. In large part, though, none of us really know the dynamics of the relationship between you and and your husband. Inasmuch, that would take several conversations to really understand and conceptualize. A couple members asked some very good, open ended, and nonjudgmental questions. Which is lovely to see. 

 

It looks like you came to a decision on your own, after some time had passed. Which is also lovely to see.

 

Typically, during a fight, given the escalation, certain areas of our brain fire and others shut down. Generally speaking, the parts that light up and work the fastest are subcortical: that is, not rational, intended to protect...flight, fight, faint, freeze...etc. And, many times, people do say things designed to hurt. Really, what they are doing is projecting. And each of you are also mirroring each other's neuronal firing sequences, body language...tempers. Or, the opposite, one person is introjecting those things...shutting down, turning inward. Ego states are remarkable. 

 

I'm glad you found an answer to your questions not just about flying out of the country, but also what to do in your relationship. 

 

Not knowing anything about your relationship, I will refrain from providing any advice, because it could be entirely misleading in any direction. 

 

I would say, though, if you find yourself experiencing this type of argument or treatment as more than a one-off bad day, it's worth talking to someone who is a professional in this arena, such as a therapist or even a life coach (although life coaching is largely unregulated throughout the United States). 

 

Warmest wishes, 

 

Jason 

[Bigdaddy288 16]

On 7/4/2023 at 2:33 AM, AlwaysLearning said:

Hi everyone. 

 

I have just created this account because I'm not sure what to do now and I'd appreciate any kind of advice you have -- I'm sure you've seen lots of things on this forum.

 

My husband (USC) and I (beneficiary) have filed for AOS in June 2023.

A few hours ago, we were fighting about finances, the home situation -- well, I ended up being called a "(removed)" by him for calling him out on certain things.

 

I am heartbroken because this made me realize he doesn't respect me, and for me it is important that I am married to someone who respects me as his wife. I think that he will most likely only keep disrespecting me, actions speak louder than words...

 

My question is -- how do I proceed in a way that doesn't jeopardize me and us both in this process?

Just yesterday my i-94 date expired - so does that mean that I can still go on a plane departing the US or how does the process work?

 

I am truly not sure how to proceed given that I'd like to leave the US since he was the only reason I was here. And I don't think he will improve, I think he has shown me who he truly is...

 

Thank you for all the advice, it is greatly appreciated! 

 

 

 

 

On 7/4/2023 at 11:07 PM, Lemonslice said:

Being angry happens, again, it's not an excuse. 

 

Respecting myself is something I will not give away. If you feel you can respect yourself while being called names, and that your spouse will improve their behaviour, good.

 

OP's spouse has said they won't change though.  Why stay with someone who clearly doesn't care, and who's repeatedly angry? Why? Simply to prevent the divorce statistics from offending you?

 

I'm sorry, you said that marriage is hard work.  Maybe yours is, mine isn't. We get along.  We get angry at times, but not angry at each other, and we certainly don't call each other names, or disrespect one another in other ways.  That's not something I would want in my life, being married isn't an obligation - and, to me, isn't worth losing my self esteem.   

 

Everyone is free to set their boundaries, and I'm not sure why it would bad if people in bad marriages divorce.  We only have one life to live, there is no medal for being miserable [I'm not young, getting close to retirement 😆 I'm happily married, never divorced.  Planning our 15th anniversary celebration.  Still, both my husband and myself are very clear on what would be unacceptable behaviours].

 

I don't think your views are outdated, I think they're dangerous.   But, good thing is you live your life how you want, and others do their things.

 

....

 

OP, sorry for the rambling here.

Ok I will respond to your long rambling one paragraph at a time:

 

 

 

Anger is not an excuse, never was never will. It's better to walk away when angry rather than saying stuff you don't mean. However many people don't know when to walk away and they say stuff they don't mean in order to feel they won the argument. Is it right? No. Can it be changed? Absolutely, with COMMUNICATION. 

 

 

 

I don't know how you concluded that in my relationship, that my spouse and I call each other names? Maybe ignorance or arrogance from your part. 

 

 

I quoted the op's original post, which indicates that this was the first time. That she "THINKS" this could happen again (I underlined the word and bolded it for you too). Again I'm not saying the guy is an angel but humans make mistakes especially when angry. COMMUNICATION to establish BOUNDARIES is necessary (what I've been trying to say from the begining) walking away from the first argument doesn't establish your boundaries. 

Also what made you conclude he doesn't care? And if the op divorces her husband, I'm gonna be offended? That's a new one, I don't know the op, the op don't know me. It won't affect me in any way or shape. 

 

 

Congrats on coming close to your retirement and your 15th year anniversary. But I'm pretty sure your boundaries were not established without COMMUNICATION which what I've been trying to say the whole time. Im sure communicating doesn't make you miserable or in a bad marriage, I thought it would actually make your life with your spouse better. 

 

My views are dangerous to opinions that encourage spouses to walk away from a marriage just because one spouse made a mistake which is absolutely dangerous to humanity. 

If it's a repeat l, absolutely I got your back and I would say get out. But these two love birds just got married, they just had their real first argument. Why ruin their marriage by telling them to divorce when they can fix it? 

 

 

Op: you are an adult woman who is intelligent and knows what she wants from her spouse. 

 

I'm not advising you to stay in an unhealthy, unhappy, disrespectful relationship with your husband like these people are trying to make me sound like. 

 

What I'm advising is, since this is the first time your husband disrespected you in a moment of anger. Communicate your expectations to establish your boundaries. 

If such behavior re-occurs, than walking out is the strongest solution and divorce is an even better solution because you already established your boundaries. 

 

This is only an advise I'm not saying you should do it. You are a free woman who can chose how to direct her life. 

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
edited quoted part for language