Big fight, husband crossed a line

[AlwaysLearning 9]

Hi everyone. 

 

I have just created this account because I'm not sure what to do now and I'd appreciate any kind of advice you have -- I'm sure you've seen lots of things on this forum.

 

My husband (USC) and I (beneficiary) have filed for AOS in June 2023.

A few hours ago, we were fighting about finances, the home situation -- well, I ended up being called a "(removed)" by him for calling him out on certain things.

 

I am heartbroken because this made me realize he doesn't respect me, and for me it is important that I am married to someone who respects me as his wife. I think that he will most likely only keep disrespecting me, actions speak louder than words...

 

My question is -- how do I proceed in a way that doesn't jeopardize me and us both in this process?

Just yesterday my i-94 date expired - so does that mean that I can still go on a plane departing the US or how does the process work?

 

I am truly not sure how to proceed given that I'd like to leave the US since he was the only reason I was here. And I don't think he will improve, I think he has shown me who he truly is...

 

Thank you for all the advice, it is greatly appreciated! 

 

 

 

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
by-passing language filter

[Jordanian Bride 268]

Yes you may leave. There is no exit immigration when you're leaving the US. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Catia&Sal 20]

An advice from an old experienced italian lady: don't leave immediately!

Leave the "dust" fell down on the floor, and take your time to rethink about the entire situation.

If you moved here, leaving your Country and went through the (endless) process to obtein the GC, it means something, right? Just now was a fight. It happens sometimes to say things you don't really think only because you are angry. Now I try to see your point: "I'm here alone, nobody from my family, US is a difficult Country for living, maybe some problem with language (as I have!)... and this man I gave everything for, the love of my life, now became my worst enemy!!!"... It is  very human reaction thinking to run away!

But take a bit for thinking about it , and all the consequences it would bring. It's worth to do it? Are you really sure that coming back to your Country is the solution that would make you happier and safer? If you leave now, probably will be very difficult to step back. Running  and doing things on the spur of the moment never solved a problem. So, unless you are afraid for your security, I would take some time for myself, just to clear my mind.    

Good luck!

[Bob in Boston 759]

To answer your question , you can leave anytime you want to, just hop on the plane and go. I will advise you to think about it though. If you dont feel safe by all means get away. Just make sure its what you really want to do. Some things cant be undone and if you leave in a huff and then want to come back.... things will get complicated. 

[carmel34 3,648]

42 minutes ago, Catia&Sal said:

If you moved here, leaving your Country and went through the (endless) process to obtein the GC

OP doesn't have a green card, just filed adjustment of status in June 2023.  Only path to LPR and green card for OP is to reconcile with abusive husband or to leave him and file VAWA (with documented evidence showing battery or extreme cruelty).  Leaving the US seems to be the best option and what OP prefers.

[Catia&Sal 20]

OP doesn't have a green card, just filed adjustment of status in June 2023.  

Right, she's in the GC process... But my advice remains the same: when it comes to major decisions that will impact the course of your life permanently, try to be cool and don't rush"

 

[Redro 4,611]

4 hours ago, AlwaysLearning said:

Hi everyone. 

 

I have just created this account because I'm not sure what to do now and I'd appreciate any kind of advice you have -- I'm sure you've seen lots of things on this forum.

 

My husband (USC) and I (beneficiary) have filed for AOS in June 2023.

A few hours ago, we were fighting about finances, the home situation -- well, I ended up being called a "f...ing b..ch" by him for calling him out on certain things.

 

I am heartbroken because this made me realize he doesn't respect me, and for me it is important that I am married to someone who respects me as his wife. I think that he will most likely only keep disrespecting me, actions speak louder than words...

 

My question is -- how do I proceed in a way that doesn't jeopardize me and us both in this process? - What do you mean by jeopardize? You need to remain together to obtain LPR status. If you do not want to continue the relationship, you break up, leave the country and the process ends. You might or might not be able to return to the US for a few years. If you do not want to sure you want to end things give it a few days and see how he behaves. 

Just yesterday my i-94 date expired - so does that mean that I can still go on a plane departing the US or how does the process work?

 

I am truly not sure how to proceed given that I'd like to leave the US since he was the only reason I was here. And I don't think he will improve, I think he has shown me who he truly is...

 

Thank you for all the advice, it is greatly appreciated! 

 

 

 

Is this your first big argument/fight? 

Is this your first time 1.) living together 2.) Having to organize finances and life stuff 3.) Blending your life together?

I won't disagree your husband was disrespectful towards you during the fight. 

Did the fight just happen? Are you still not talking?

 

As you are adjusting status, if you leave the US you will abandon the process (unless you have AP). You are currently allowed to stay in the US because you have the NOA1. It indicates are you allowed to remain in the US even though the I94 has expired. But, if you leave you might not be allowed to return to the US for some years (as a tourist) depending on what the consulate decides when you apply for a B1/B2 and if either tourist visa or ESTA are still valid for use for a return trip (you've shown immigrant intent by applying for adjustment). 

 

See how your husband behaves after the fight.

Is he apologetic? Is he willing to work on the issues you were arguing about?

In addition, the things you called him out on... if he never changes these behaviors would you be able to stay with him? It seems like you are saying no... 

You are in a tricky situation because you are most likely fully dependent on him until you obtain EAD. You might also want to consider going back to your home country, work on the marriage and obtain the immigrant visa via the consulate. This would give you more independence in the relationship as you would return the right to work and drive. 

 

 

 

 

[Crazy Cat 41,985]

5 hours ago, AlwaysLearning said:

so does that mean that I can still go on a plane departing the US or how does the process work?

You can leave any time you want.  There are no immigration checks when departing the US.  However, numerous people have made such decisions which they regretted alter.  The two questions I see standing out are:

1.  Is the relationship salvageable?

2.  Do you intend to continue on a path to legal residence in the US?

 

If you leave the US without an approved Advance Parole document at this point, you will abandon your Adjustment of Status.

Good luck.  I hope you find peace in the direction you decide to go.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Crazy Cat

[AlwaysLearning 9]

6 hours ago, Catia&Sal said:

An advice from an old experienced italian lady: don't leave immediately!

Leave the "dust" fell down on the floor, and take your time to rethink about the entire situation.

If you moved here, leaving your Country and went through the (endless) process to obtein the GC, it means something, right? Just now was a fight. It happens sometimes to say things you don't really think only because you are angry. Now I try to see your point: "I'm here alone, nobody from my family, US is a difficult Country for living, maybe some problem with language (as I have!)... and this man I gave everything for, the love of my life, now became my worst enemy!!!"... It is  very human reaction thinking to run away!

But take a bit for thinking about it , and all the consequences it would bring. It's worth to do it? Are you really sure that coming back to your Country is the solution that would make you happier and safer? If you leave now, probably will be very difficult to step back. Running  and doing things on the spur of the moment never solved a problem. So, unless you are afraid for your security, I would take some time for myself, just to clear my mind.    

Good luck!

This went straight to my heart, thank you very much for every word! Means a lot.

[AlwaysLearning 9]

6 hours ago, Bob in Boston said:

To answer your question , you can leave anytime you want to, just hop on the plane and go. I will advise you to think about it though. If you dont feel safe by all means get away. Just make sure its what you really want to do. Some things cant be undone and if you leave in a huff and then want to come back.... things will get complicated. 

Now that some hours have passed from the argument, it's the next day, I definitely see your point - I'll take some time to think about it and to understand what happened ❤️

 

And yes, someone asked if the fight just happened, it did - last night before going to sleep...

[AlwaysLearning 9]

5 hours ago, Catia&Sal said:

OP doesn't have a green card, just filed adjustment of status in June 2023.  

Right, she's in the GC process... But my advice remains the same: when it comes to major decisions that will impact the course of your life permanently, try to be cool and don't rush"

 

I appreciate this advice so much - wise and levelheaded. I will not rush😊

[AlwaysLearning 9]

On 7/4/2023 at 7:09 AM, Redro said:

Is this your first big argument/fight? 

Is this your first time 1.) living together 2.) Having to organize finances and life stuff 3.) Blending your life together?

I won't disagree your husband was disrespectful towards you during the fight. 

Did the fight just happen? Are you still not talking?

 

As you are adjusting status, if you leave the US you will abandon the process (unless you have AP). You are currently allowed to stay in the US because you have the NOA1. It indicates are you allowed to remain in the US even though the I94 has expired. But, if you leave you might not be allowed to return to the US for some years (as a tourist) depending on what the consulate decides when you apply for a B1/B2 and if either tourist visa or ESTA are still valid for use for a return trip (you've shown immigrant intent by applying for adjustment). 

 

See how your husband behaves after the fight.

Is he apologetic? Is he willing to work on the issues you were arguing about?

In addition, the things you called him out on... if he never changes these behaviors would you be able to stay with him? It seems like you are saying no... 

You are in a tricky situation because you are most likely fully dependent on him until you obtain EAD. You might also want to consider going back to your home country, work on the marriage and obtain the immigrant visa via the consulate. This would give you more independence in the relationship as you would return the right to work and drive. 

 

 

 

 

It isn't the first big fight, there have been other fights/arguments, but this is the first time he crossed a line and I am disappointed it happened. It is the first time trying to organize our finances together.

And, yes, we still aren't talking.

 

He said last night "I'm sorry I called you a (removed)", but I honestly don't believe he is - it didn't feel like an apology at all. If he was sorry, he would step up and treat his wife better. I know I'd do that if I really cared about the person in front of me.

 

He doesn't seem to be willing to work on the issues, he keeps saying that he doesn't see the point because, from where he stands, I am the person who doesn't at all care about him. But his "justification" just seems circular. I am extremely mentally exhausted, to be completely frank....

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
by-passing language filter

[AlwaysLearning 9]

4 hours ago, Crazy Cat said:

You can leave any time you want.  There are no immigration checks when departing the US.  However, numerous people have made such decisions which they regretted alter.  The two questions I see standing out are:

1.  Is the relationship salvageable?

2.  Do you intend to continue on a path to legal residence in the US?

 

If you leave the US without an approved Advance Parole document at this point, you will abandon your Adjustment of Status.

Good luck.  I hope you find peace in the direction you decide to go.

Thank you very much, sir, for the advice! 

 

To answer your questions: 

1. From where I stand, I wouldn't have put this much love and energy into our marriage if I didn't think it could work for us. But last night, given that he basically showed me how much he resents me by calling me a b....., I think it's time to realize that it takes two grown adults to keep a marriage going, and that I can't make up for both of us.

 

2. At this point, I'll be honest, I reached a point where I don't know anymore where I want to live or what to do, because it feels like this is the rock bottom. I'll stay in this country as long as I still believe that our marriage is worth fighting for... But it feels like a limbo situation at this moment because we haven't even spoken to each other since yesterday, so I do not know where he personally stands on whether he has given up on us or is ready to be a man and a husband... Time will tell. 

[Lemonslice 4,926]

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
~Maya Angelou

 

...

He is telling you he won't/doesn't want to change. Believe him.

[Bigdaddy288 16]

13 hours ago, AlwaysLearning said:

Hi everyone. 

 

I have just created this account because I'm not sure what to do now and I'd appreciate any kind of advice you have -- I'm sure you've seen lots of things on this forum.

 

My husband (USC) and I (beneficiary) have filed for AOS in June 2023.

A few hours ago, we were fighting about finances, the home situation -- well, I ended up being called a "f...ing b..ch" by him for calling him out on certain things.

 

I am heartbroken because this made me realize he doesn't respect me, and for me it is important that I am married to someone who respects me as his wife. I think that he will most likely only keep disrespecting me, actions speak louder than words...

 

My question is -- how do I proceed in a way that doesn't jeopardize me and us both in this process?

Just yesterday my i-94 date expired - so does that mean that I can still go on a plane departing the US or how does the process work?

 

I am truly not sure how to proceed given that I'd like to leave the US since he was the only reason I was here. And I don't think he will improve, I think he has shown me who he truly is...

 

Thank you for all the advice, it is greatly appreciated! 

 

 

 

If him calling you the B word made you feel unsafe or unloved, pack your clothes and leave. 

 

Coming from someone who was married for 13 years and hoping for more years to come and this is my genuine advice: don't leave. Communicate with your husband. Tell him what your expectations and what you want from him. He should tell you his as well. Once that is established I think both of you will be able to communicate better and respectfully. You have to ask him what are his expectations as well and realize that a marriage is a 2 way Street. Respect does not come without expressing your expectations, how you feel about situations and your goals. 

 

Last night's argument was your ice breaker to establish that so you can have a healthy successful happy marriage. 

 

I pray for you two to figure it out. But trust me, marriage demands thick skin. And once you communicate you will go through your ups and downs a lot easier together.