newly wed problems

[nane1104 146]

...during your first year of marriage, what were the most crucial issues you had to deal with?

I am just wondering because our first anniversary is coming up soon and I guess I have a little heartfelt time here, looking back to the beginning of our marriage and how things developed and changed between my husband and I.

Would be nice to see how other couples did in their first year.

[Sheriff Uling 3]

I'm shooting for a lifetime of being in the honeymoon phase. So don't try to bust my bubble! There is no one, five, or seven year adjustment or trouble periods in marriage. Weak minded failures make that junk up and we start to believe it. They are the same folks who have been married more than twice and blame it on their ex-spouses. Chart your own course in life. Be happy, live long, love strong, and believe in each other. You deserve it...

Cheers!!!

Sheriff Uling

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I found out she wasn't as perfect as she tries to be...I was crushed.

[~*Maria*~ 1]

I found out she wasn't as perfect as she tries to be...I was crushed.

hands Mister Fancypants a box of kleenex hehe....just kiddin btw steven

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I found out she wasn't as perfect as she tries to be...I was crushed.

hands Mister Fancypants a box of kleenex hehe....just kiddin btw steven

...sometimes my favorite shirt is the one that's faded and has a few holes.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

For us the biggest issues revolved around getting used to sharing space with someone else who was always there when each of us had been on our own and independent before. We both had to make adjustments to accommodate the other in our living space and find those compromises that made it comfortable for both of us (ie. sleeping with windows open and a/c off, not drinking from the milk carton, sharing an activity that was important for one but not for the other, folding laundry the 'right' way, re-arranging dishes in the cupboards so that everything fit and then finding things, what level of clutter is ok, dealing with each other's friends and families, etc.). A lot of the things were 'little' things but they had to do with what was familiar to each of us, and changing ingrained habits. The first year was definitely the hardest.

Part of my husband's biggest adjustment involved my cats. Even though he had lived with cats before we discovered after we moved in together that we both had different ideas of what was involved in looking after them. Fortunately, the cats have evolved from being 'my cats' to being 'our cats' but that took adjustment from both of us - and from the cats as well.

Love isn't always enough:-). Both of us tried hard to accommodate the other and to learn 'not to sweat the small stuff'. It made it easier to identify the real issues when they did arise. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt, trying to be receptive to the other's needs and wants, being compassionate and understanding about each other's idiosyncracies, allowing the other to be 'human' and making it safe for them to make mistakes all went a long way to surviving that first year.

The honeymoon may be over but the marriage is going strong.

[Sheriff Uling 3]

For us the biggest issues revolved around getting used to sharing space with someone else who was always there when each of us had been on our own and independent before. We both had to make adjustments to accommodate the other in our living space and find those compromises that made it comfortable for both of us (ie. sleeping with windows open and a/c off, not drinking from the milk carton, sharing an activity that was important for one but not for the other, folding laundry the 'right' way, re-arranging dishes in the cupboards so that everything fit and then finding things, what level of clutter is ok, dealing with each other's friends and families, etc.). A lot of the things were 'little' things but they had to do with what was familiar to each of us, and changing ingrained habits. The first year was definitely the hardest.

Part of my husband's biggest adjustment involved my cats. Even though he had lived with cats before we discovered after we moved in together that we both had different ideas of what was involved in looking after them. Fortunately, the cats have evolved from being 'my cats' to being 'our cats' but that took adjustment from both of us - and from the cats as well.

Love isn't always enough:-). Both of us tried hard to accommodate the other and to learn 'not to sweat the small stuff'. It made it easier to identify the real issues when they did arise. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt, trying to be receptive to the other's needs and wants, being compassionate and understanding about each other's idiosyncracies, allowing the other to be 'human' and making it safe for them to make mistakes all went a long way to surviving that first year.

The honeymoon may be over but the marriage is going strong.

This has by far been one of the most honest and straight forward posts that I read in a while. Thanks for sharing...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

For us the biggest issues revolved around getting used to sharing space with someone else who was always there when each of us had been on our own and independent before. We both had to make adjustments to accommodate the other in our living space and find those compromises that made it comfortable for both of us (ie. sleeping with windows open and a/c off, not drinking from the milk carton, sharing an activity that was important for one but not for the other, folding laundry the 'right' way, re-arranging dishes in the cupboards so that everything fit and then finding things, what level of clutter is ok, dealing with each other's friends and families, etc.). A lot of the things were 'little' things but they had to do with what was familiar to each of us, and changing ingrained habits. The first year was definitely the hardest.

Part of my husband's biggest adjustment involved my cats. Even though he had lived with cats before we discovered after we moved in together that we both had different ideas of what was involved in looking after them. Fortunately, the cats have evolved from being 'my cats' to being 'our cats' but that took adjustment from both of us - and from the cats as well.

Love isn't always enough:-). Both of us tried hard to accommodate the other and to learn 'not to sweat the small stuff'. It made it easier to identify the real issues when they did arise. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt, trying to be receptive to the other's needs and wants, being compassionate and understanding about each other's idiosyncracies, allowing the other to be 'human' and making it safe for them to make mistakes all went a long way to surviving that first year.

The honeymoon may be over but the marriage is going strong.

Awesome post, Kathryn!

[Cassie 8]

The biggest issues we had to deal with (in the order they came at us):

homesickness -- based on my experience, I humbly recommend not moving to the US during the Thanksgiving / Christmas season!

finances -- it took my hubby a while to remember that he wasn't by himself anymore, and that it would be nice to alert his wife when he was about to do something r/t finances

and then both my parents, at different times of that first year, were both diagnosed with cancer. It was excruciatingly hard to be away from them and not being able to help with driving back and forth to treatments, etc etc. There was more than one time when I felt utterly helpless, and kicking myself --"you're such a bad daughter for moving so freakin' far away and now they need you and you can't be there" etc etc I thank God every day for my husband who loved me through that first year, who worked super hard so we had the money for me to go home for a month to help my family, who wiped away my tears when I cried. Sure, we had some disagreements about things, but we always made a point to deal with them early and head on, and not sweating the small stuff, like Kathryn said. That first year solidified us together big time.

[nane1104 146]

Thanks for all the replies so far. After I posted the topic, I was actually afraid nobody was replying because it might be too personal.

So if someone is uncomfortable with this, I totally understand and I surely don't expect anybody to write about very personal stuff.

The first and most obvious problems we had to master were some language issues. My english, I think, is pretty good and we don't have problems communicating about everyday stuff and I guess my husband sometimes tends to forget that english is just not my first language and that some terms or words are still new to me. So sometimes he says something and I have to ask what he means,which I don't like for some reason. Usually it is no big deal at all, but sometimes it makes me upset. Even more upset if I want to say something (specially in a heated debate about certain topics) and I have to search for the right words or I mess something up and my husband starts smiling at me when I am dead serious about what I try to say.

Homesickness was another thing...I wasn't homesick at first at all. Things were going so great and I enjoyed being with him here and I was happy and surprised how fast and easily I adjusted to living here until one morning while preparing breakfast I out of nowhere broke down crying, crying, crying.

Poor husband, he was terribly shocked and thought I would pack and leave on the spot. Of course I didn't and things got better, but oh my!

After that I had to take it slow for a while and realise that I can't expect to just change my whole life and livingsituation without going through some rough times.

Depending on him was tough. Very much on me, a 32 year old woman who lived by herself for the last 14 years, financially independend...now out of a sudden had to ask for money to go get some things from the store. My husband was pretty good in giving me cash until I was on his bankaccounts and had access to money, but sometimes he forgot and I was too I don't know what to ask him. And then..spending money I haven't earned felt terrible. Man was I glad when I finally was able to work again!!

It took a good while to accept that his money was our money and I am really glad that he made that clear from the day I arrived!!

Away from the financial aspect of depending on him...I just hated to not be able to go to places even I was driving by myself pretty soon after I arrived here (my german license was good until my I-94 expired) but it just wasn't my cup of tea to always have to ask where things are. I ended up using the internet for driving directions and learned my way around pretty much by just driving around, getting lost and hoping to find my way again.

Finding my space in the house...I think that was pretty annoying for me. My hubby is a sweetheart, but sometimes not the best in thinking for others...I had to clear out drawers and closets and shelfs to make some room for my few belongings I brought and had sent over.

Very nice though was that we had our wedding ceremony in Germany right before I left (hubby came to "pick me up") and all my family and friends only gave us money, no other gifts. From that we bought new couches, new matress set and some other stuff for the house to turn his "bachelors crib" into a home for both of us!

Now, almost a year later I feel like I slowly grow roots here. I don't drive around anymore scared of getting lost or look around like a tourist, I am getting my independence back by just doing every day stuff by myself, we have pretty well adjusted to living together, developed a "routine".

Last project was renovating the masterbathroom that only he had used so far (I used the 2nd bathroom because it felt more convenient or maybe we just felt like we didn't want to get into the other persons very private space?!) and my husband asked me how I wanted it and asked me to "move in"...so, I guess that was the last step to really growing together in the house.

I miss my family and friends back in Germany and I want to go home as soon as I have my AP, but I know, going back to the US after the visit would be "going home".

Oh, that was the longest post I ever made here, congratulations to all who made it all the way through...

[L_n_O 3]

=) great post..

I hope to be able to add to it someday soon..

[JJWashington 0]

For us the biggest issues revolved around getting used to sharing space with someone else who was always there when each of us had been on our own and independent before. We both had to make adjustments to accommodate the other in our living space and find those compromises that made it comfortable for both of us (ie. sleeping with windows open and a/c off, not drinking from the milk carton, sharing an activity that was important for one but not for the other, folding laundry the 'right' way, re-arranging dishes in the cupboards so that everything fit and then finding things, what level of clutter is ok, dealing with each other's friends and families, etc.). A lot of the things were 'little' things but they had to do with what was familiar to each of us, and changing ingrained habits. The first year was definitely the hardest.

Part of my husband's biggest adjustment involved my cats. Even though he had lived with cats before we discovered after we moved in together that we both had different ideas of what was involved in looking after them. Fortunately, the cats have evolved from being 'my cats' to being 'our cats' but that took adjustment from both of us - and from the cats as well.

Love isn't always enough:-). Both of us tried hard to accommodate the other and to learn 'not to sweat the small stuff'. It made it easier to identify the real issues when they did arise. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt, trying to be receptive to the other's needs and wants, being compassionate and understanding about each other's idiosyncracies, allowing the other to be 'human' and making it safe for them to make mistakes all went a long way to surviving that first year.

The honeymoon may be over but the marriage is going strong.

Thanks for sharing!

[JJWashington 0]

Thanks for all the replies so far. After I posted the topic, I was actually afraid nobody was replying because it might be too personal.

So if someone is uncomfortable with this, I totally understand and I surely don't expect anybody to write about very personal stuff.

The first and most obvious problems we had to master were some language issues. My english, I think, is pretty good and we don't have problems communicating about everyday stuff and I guess my husband sometimes tends to forget that english is just not my first language and that some terms or words are still new to me. So sometimes he says something and I have to ask what he means,which I don't like for some reason. Usually it is no big deal at all, but sometimes it makes me upset. Even more upset if I want to say something (specially in a heated debate about certain topics) and I have to search for the right words or I mess something up and my husband starts smiling at me when I am dead serious about what I try to say.

Homesickness was another thing...I wasn't homesick at first at all. Things were going so great and I enjoyed being with him here and I was happy and surprised how fast and easily I adjusted to living here until one morning while preparing breakfast I out of nowhere broke down crying, crying, crying.

Poor husband, he was terribly shocked and thought I would pack and leave on the spot. Of course I didn't and things got better, but oh my!

After that I had to take it slow for a while and realise that I can't expect to just change my whole life and livingsituation without going through some rough times.

Depending on him was tough. Very much on me, a 32 year old woman who lived by herself for the last 14 years, financially independend...now out of a sudden had to ask for money to go get some things from the store. My husband was pretty good in giving me cash until I was on his bankaccounts and had access to money, but sometimes he forgot and I was too I don't know what to ask him. And then..spending money I haven't earned felt terrible. Man was I glad when I finally was able to work again!!

It took a good while to accept that his money was our money and I am really glad that he made that clear from the day I arrived!!

Away from the financial aspect of depending on him...I just hated to not be able to go to places even I was driving by myself pretty soon after I arrived here (my german license was good until my I-94 expired) but it just wasn't my cup of tea to always have to ask where things are. I ended up using the internet for driving directions and learned my way around pretty much by just driving around, getting lost and hoping to find my way again.

Finding my space in the house...I think that was pretty annoying for me. My hubby is a sweetheart, but sometimes not the best in thinking for others...I had to clear out drawers and closets and shelfs to make some room for my few belongings I brought and had sent over.

Very nice though was that we had our wedding ceremony in Germany right before I left (hubby came to "pick me up") and all my family and friends only gave us money, no other gifts. From that we bought new couches, new matress set and some other stuff for the house to turn his "bachelors crib" into a home for both of us!

Now, almost a year later I feel like I slowly grow roots here. I don't drive around anymore scared of getting lost or look around like a tourist, I am getting my independence back by just doing every day stuff by myself, we have pretty well adjusted to living together, developed a "routine".

Last project was renovating the masterbathroom that only he had used so far (I used the 2nd bathroom because it felt more convenient or maybe we just felt like we didn't want to get into the other persons very private space?!) and my husband asked me how I wanted it and asked me to "move in"...so, I guess that was the last step to really growing together in the house.

I miss my family and friends back in Germany and I want to go home as soon as I have my AP, but I know, going back to the US after the visit would be "going home".

Oh, that was the longest post I ever made here, congratulations to all who made it all the way through...

Another great post! Thanks so much for sharing

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Nane1104 wrote:

"Depending on him was tough. Very much on me, a 32 year old woman who lived by herself for the last 14 years, financially independend...now out of a sudden had to ask for money to go get some things from the store. My husband was pretty good in giving me cash until I was on his bankaccounts and had access to money, but sometimes he forgot and I was too I don't know what to ask him. And then..spending money I haven't earned felt terrible. Man was I glad when I finally was able to work again!!

It took a good while to accept that his money was our money and I am really glad that he made that clear from the day I arrived!!

Away from the financial aspect of depending on him...I just hated to not be able to go to places even I was driving by myself pretty soon after I arrived here (my german license was good until my I-94 expired) but it just wasn't my cup of tea to always have to ask where things are. I ended up using the internet for driving directions and learned my way around pretty much by just driving around, getting lost and hoping to find my way again."

Oh, this really resonated for me too! Yes, that was a very difficult thing for me to get used to as well- being financially dependent on someone else! My husband is very good at saying it is 'our money' but still, it felt like his money because I hadn't contributed anything to it:-). Even now I only work part-time and my earnings maybe pay for the cat food (hehehe) so I still feel somewhat guilty if I get a higher than usual grocery bill because it isn't 'my money'. This is something I am still working on.

I did the same thing learning my way around here as well . . . One of the first things we did when I arrived was to buy a car for me as we are out in suburbia and there isn't anyway to get out of the community except walking, biking and driving:-). I tried to find my way to places we had visited together - often calling my husband on the phone to get directions. Then, I just started to drive in different directions on different days, each time venturing a little farther out or trying to find a different route back. Oh, I got lost so many times - even with a map - and ended up heading west when I thought I was heading east and heading south when I thought I was heading north! It doesn't help that the back roads here are not laid out in grids like they are back home, but are determined by the topography - and we are in the foothills (piedmont) of the Appalachians here - so there are lots of hills and creeks and curves. It is so easy to get turned around. The side benefit of it all, of course, is that I now know the back roads in the area far better than my husband does and can find all of the short cuts to avoid the congested traffic routes on the interstates:-). Still, in those first few months there were days I wondered if I was ever going to make it home again!

[nane1104 146]

Oh, this really resonated for me too! Yes, that was a very difficult thing for me to get used to as well- being financially dependent on someone else! My husband is very good at saying it is 'our money' but still, it felt like his money because I hadn't contributed anything to it:-). Even now I only work part-time and my earnings maybe pay for the cat food (hehehe) so I still feel somewhat guilty if I get a higher than usual grocery bill because it isn't 'my money'. This is something I am still working on.

Yepp, at some point though I had to tell myself that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be in this situation. I would still be in Germany, have my own little place and my job, taking care of myself all by myself. That helped a little.

I still catch myself though buying a lot cheaper/less stuff for myself than I have to and sometimes I feel guilty if I buy some "girl stuff", stuff that you don't really need to survive, or yes, if the grocery bill is almost twice as high as it was before I came over here. And it's silly, my husband really never at any time had to complain about me spending money on anything.

As a matter of fact, I safe more now here than I did in Germany, just because I feel bad to spend money I didn't earn myself.

I had a parttime job before that I quit for multiple reasons without having a new job lined upand I felt terrible. I would have never done that as a single person!! Now I found a new job again and I am so glad even, like you said, it only pays a very low percentage of our bills, but it is better than nothing for sure!!