TGIF

[Nessa 23]

I just found this one:

What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

Q. What's a FAQ ?

A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?

A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?

A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?

A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?

A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, Earthlink, etc, etc, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?

A. The major benefit is that they all have simple,"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.

Q. What if I die?

A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?

A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?

A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?

A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet account?

A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?

A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?

A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?

A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.

A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?

A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?

A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?

A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?

A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other 13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)

LilBrisket: Hi everybody

Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket

Toadster: Hi Bris

Lungftook: Hi B

LilBrisket: What's going on?

Toadster: Not much

Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?

LilBrisket: No

Toadster: Nope

Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody

Toadster: Hi UvulaBob

Lungftook: Hi Uvula

LilBrisket: Hi UB

Wazootyman: Hi U

UvulaBob: What's happening?

LilBrisket: Kinda slow

Toadster: Same old same old

Lungflook: Pretty quiet

Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties

LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?

UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.

Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook

LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster

Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung

UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody

LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster

Toadster: Yo, Polyp

UvulaBob: Hi, P

PolypMaster: What's going on?

LilBrisket: Not much

Toadster: Pretty quiet

UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?

A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.

Q. Like what?

A. Barry Manilow.

Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?

A. There's a forum for everything.

Q. What happens on these forums?

A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.

Q. Just like junior high school!

A. But even more pointless.

Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.

A. Indeed it is.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

so jokes or sayings

[Nessa 23]

both. Read the one above, it takes a while but it's funny.

[nane1104 146]

AWESOME!!!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

If your open minded, your brains will fall out

If your nose runs and your feet smell...then your upside down

[brnidokiegurl 0]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll

take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You try again."

[nane1104 146]

OUCH!!!

[Nessa 23]

now some metaphors:

• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  

[nane1104 146]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i just posted one from the radio by its self it just had play on the radio here again funny

[maggieNomar 0]

lemme think... I'm terrible with jokes, what do you mean with favorite whatever?

She didn't mean positions Nessa. I saw an article in O magazine that made me think of a great anniversary gift for you and Charles.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I SEE U CAN READ THEIR MINDS ALSO

[maggieNomar 0]

I SEE U CAN READ THEIR MINDS ALSO

No Charles, that is physically impossible...it defies gravity.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

http://www.glumbert.com/media/connie

[Nessa 23]

lemme think... I'm terrible with jokes, what do you mean with favorite whatever?

She didn't mean positions Nessa. I saw an article in O magazine that made me think of a great anniversary gift for you and Charles.

Eh? I'm confused