Step Kids Not Accepting Step Mom

[Rocio0010 5,580]

So I have had my morning coffee already and I have been able to read this thread carefully (at least that’s what I think). 
The very first thing that is striking is the title… “Step kids not accepting their step mom”, but the body of your texts suggests that she’s not accepting either. And again, she’s older than them, so in their dynamic, she should be the adult one. Yet she locks herself in the bedroom, or is jealous of a kid (your youngest). Like I said in my earlier reply, kids are kids and they have not yet learned to manage big emotions, and having a step mom from outside the US coming and live with them “unannounced” is a big deal. Bridge under the water now, but getting them involved in the preparations and in her coming here would have been very, very mature and helpful. But that’s done now. We have to work with what we have.

…. And what do we have?  We have your children that are probably feeling left out, and to a certain degree “invaded” because no one prepared them for this change so soon. It is your job to do so!

 

We also have your 31 year old fiancé who is not behaving as such. She, unlike your children, knew what was going to happen. She had time to process and prepare, yet she’s acting like your kids in terms of the immaturity of her actions. I understand she has had a rough life, but just like with everything else, she has two choices with her experience; either she learns from it and becomes a better person, or she puts herself in a victim position. Looks like she’s choosing the latter. 
 

Finally, we have the intercultural component of your relationship, which can be tricky especially with regards to expectations and needs. It looks like the few visits you had were not enough to get to know each other deeply, and talk about expectations. Seems as if the communication department is lagging. 
 

All this to say, I would definitely not get married with all this “baggage”. I am not saying don’t ever get married, but certainly not for now. To me, the first step is to postpone the wedding. Second step is to talk to your children, let them share what they are worried about and do not take them any less serious because “they are just kids”. Once your children have shared their feelings with you, talk to her and assess the situation together. But your children should come into the conversation first because they are your priority, and they have big feelings they can’t regulate. She’s an adult. 
Maybe things work out. Maybe they won’t. But you shouldn’t jump the gun and get married without following the necessary steps. You already did it once by not telling your children when she’ll be with you, don’t do it twice. 
 

 

[Kawika & Michelle 109]

15 hours ago, Adventine said:

If you're not familiar with the term "sunk cost fallacy", I encourage you to look it up. 

I was not familiar with that specific verbiage but definitely familiar with the concept. It's definitely not something I believe in when it comes to personal relationships as it goes against everything it is to be a Christian. It certainly has its place in a business related world...but not much beyond that. I think that is one of the primary reasons why there is so much divorce today because so many people go into marriages solely for the purpose of doing it for their own benefit. When things get bad they would much rather decide that they chose the wrong person or that there is simply someone better out there for them. The reality is that part of the problem (yourself) is always going to go with you into every future relationship. 

 

I definitely hesitated sharing some of the things I did about my partner's past simply because they should remain private...but at the same time I felt that most people would react with the plethora of knee-jerk reactions responses that people gave anyways. I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond whether good or bad. Everyone has their right to their own opinions...and I think we all know that opinions are like #######...we all have one...unfortunately our noses are too far away from our ####### so we don't realize how much they can stink at times.

 

All that being said...my fiancé is a good woman...and a good mom...and I'm not just going to toss her aside because maybe she has a little growing up to do. She may be in her 30s but this is only her second real relationship she has been in so far. She's struggled all her life just to provide food for her sons & herself. She isn't fully at fault for our problems. I'm sure I contribute on some level in every situation we tackle & overcome together. There are a lot of different factors & dynamics in play in ours & everyone's relationships so there is never going to be a fool proof method that works for everyone. Just like every other international couple we have our share of cultural differences to work through & learn from one another. We're both first time step parents. This is the first time being on her own...being away from her family...her children...and still not being confident enough with her English skills to feel comfortable enough to interact with my kids most of the time. She's simply under a lot of stress...and that's to be expected & perfectly OK.

 

I'm not trying to say that I condone or agree with how she lashes out when she is angry...but I certainly understand it. I also don't think people realize how hard it can be for someone to be in a relationship with someone who is always as calm, cool & collected as I am even in the fiercest of storms in life. Sometimes when people are hurt...they want the person that hurt them to feel some pain too and because I don't respond in the way she hopes...she only escalates things in hopes of getting that response from me...so it only frustrates her more & more when I don't respond.

 

All that being said...as luck would have it...after spending most of the day talking about this on the forums...I get home from work only to find my fiancé & my youngest daughter hanging out like best friends singing songs on YouTube and eating candy. It's like I stepped in to the Twilight Zone from the world I had left earlier that morning. These were the types of interactions that I was familiar with during the time they spent together in March.

[Redro 4,611]

@Kawika & Michelle the way you write is sounds like you are already married to this woman in your heart. 
This is kind of like the sunk cost fallacy @Adventine is talking about. Because you aren’t married. You can still walk away from this relationship. 
It sounds like you were just looking to vent and write out your feelings about current difficulties. 
I wish you all the luck in your relationship but remember it does take two to tango and both partners need to be dedicated to changing, growing and building a life together (especially with a blended family). 
 

[Boiler 45,731]

I must have seen a 100 threads like this over the years, there was a long one about 2 months ago, obviously the details are different but the general tone is the same.

 

Sunk cost in this sense relates to all the time effort and money you have invested so far. Would you have a different view if she lived locally and you had spent the same sort of time together? Does it make any difference to your current situation, well no you are where you are.

 

I will just point out that if you marry, she brings one of her children, well that can be another world of hurt. Now is a good time to read and reread the obligations under the I 864. You know what the Divorce courts will do.

 

[beloved_dingo 1,979]

24 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

I was not familiar with that specific verbiage but definitely familiar with the concept. It's definitely not something I believe in when it comes to personal relationships as it goes against everything it is to be a Christian. It certainly has its place in a business related world...but not much beyond that. 

I do think your relationship is salvageable, so I do not see your situation in as negative a light as some here, but your assessment of the "sunk cost fallacy" is unfortunate. There's a balance to all things in life, so of course in many cases the right choice is to work on your personal relationships and try to resolve issues. But it is not "Christian" to stay in a toxic, abusive, or unhealthy relationship. I am not saying your relationship falls in any of these categories (only you and your fiancée/family can truly speak to that), but dismissing this entire concept as "unChristian" is strange to me. You mention that there is "so much divorce today" but the divorce rate in 1950 was ~2.5 per 1000. The divorce rate in 2020 was ~2.6 per 1000. Your perception about divorce seems wildly out of touch. And in fact, I would argue that we are significantly better off now than 1950, considering the improvement in women's rights, the trend of marrying later in life, and there being less pressure overall to marry. 

 

Applying the sunk cost fallacy to interpersonal relationships is simply a reminder that you do not lose anything by ending a detrimental relationship. It is not an excuse to be selfish and drop people on a whim just because things get hard. 

Edited June 1, 2023 by beloved_dingo

[Boiler 45,731]

2 minutes ago, beloved_dingo said:

I do think your relationship is salvageable, so I do not see your situation in as negative a light as some here, but your assessment of the "sunk cost fallacy" is unfortunate. There's a balance to all things in life, so of course in many cases the right choice is to work on your personal relationships and try to resolve issues. But it is not "Christian" to stay in a toxic, abusive, or unhealthy relationship. I am not saying your relationship falls in any of these categories (only you and your wife/family can truly speak to that), but dismissing this entire concept as "unChristian" is strange to me. You mention has there is "so much divorce today" but the divorce rate in 1950 was ~2.5 per 1000. The divorce rate in 2020 was ~2.6 per 1000. Your perception about divorce seems wildly out of touch. And in fact, I would argue that we are significantly better off now than 1950, considering the improvement in women's rights, the trend of marrying later in life, and there being less pressure overall to marry. 

 

Applying the sunk cost fallacy to interpersonal relationships is simply a reminder that you do not lose anything by ending a detrimental relationship. It is not an excuse to be selfish and drop people on a whim just because things get hard. 

According to recent data, about 35-50% of first marriages end in divorce, while second marriages have a higher divorce rate of 60-70+%.

[TBoneTX 45,591]

41 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

I get home from work only to find my fiancé & my youngest daughter hanging out like best friends singing songs on YouTube and eating candy

This is great.  Bear in mind, however, that positive changes can be made but not endure.

 

Bro K, you know how highly I respect your poise, intelligence, determination, and circumspection.

Try to recognize if (or when) you might ever be over-rationalizing.  It's hard to do.

 

I draw the line at "AAA" -- abuse, addiction, affairs.

In her instance, I suggest watching the first of those, in its several active and passive emotional forms.

 

When Mrs. T-B. did the Ecu variety of tampo, I told her, "Stop acting like a brat!"

Fortunately, she did.

Had she not, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the next conveyance back to Ecu.

I can't comment about Filipina tampo except to say that I'd put up with exactly none of it.

Everyone's tolerance level differs, but tolerance can degenerate to "doormat status" before we know it.

 

I suggest probing to learn what's behind the tampo and impatience as she articulates it in her opinion.

If it's valid and correctable, work to ameliorate it, but if it's integral to her character, you have some thinking to do.

 

Interpersonally, you'll have to "herd some cats" here (her & each kid, her & you, her & U.S. adaptation, et al.).

Keep us posted, please, because we all care about you here.

[Sabina Bart 28]

On 5/31/2023 at 2:52 PM, Kawika & Michelle said:

Hey Folks...

 

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic...but I'm sure the moderators will move it to the right place if it isn't. For those who aren't familiar with my situation, I have been in an LDR with a Filipina since June of 2020. Our first meeting was in Costa Rica in August of 2021 (thanks COVID). We started our K1 process shortly thereafter (October 2021). I was blessed enough to be able to visit her in the Philippines 3 times in 2022 since then including a 30 day stay in July of 2022. My last trip included my three children (17, 15 & 8 ) in March of 2023. That was the first time my children got to officially meet her. Prior to that my youngest had been in some video calls with us & my other two had maybe a 1-2 time video call to kind of just say hello. The meeting was a little up & down. Everyone seemed to get alone fine...and she seemed to especially connect with my youngest. The main issue was there was a few moments of misunderstanding where she threatened to leave (like she always does)...but this time she did it a couple of times where my kids became aware of her behavior. I'm not sure how that may have changed their perspective on her for better or for worse.

 

Fast forward to today...we finally finished the process & my fiancé joined us here in Texas on May 12th. For those who followed our story...it was a near miracle that she was able to pull it off & all of the puzzle pieces fell in to place to allow her to make it here. I wasn't even sure that she would be here & felt that we probably would need to postpone it for a week or two. In the rush of all of it...apparently, I didn't let my older two kids know that she was coming that weekend. My youngest (who I am closest with) knew. My kids were with their mom that weekend...so they didn't officially come back home until a couple of days after my fiancé was there. My youngest was excited to see her & gave her a hug. The older two hid out in their rooms & basically freaked out over the fact that "they were not told that this woman would be in their home". 

 

Since then we've had a series of ups & downs as a couple...as I'm sure most have experienced at first. There were no real issues with my kids other than my kids being considered disrespectful to my fiancé since they largely kept to themselves (like they always do) with my son playing his computer games & my oldest daughter coming & going with her friends. My youngest was still around and interacting with the both of us. Fast forward to today...and basically our house basically has all three kids primarily hanging out in their rooms (which is relatively normal) and my fiancé also hunkering down in our bedroom. I've told my fiancé that she needs to be more present and hang out in the living room if she wants to be able to develop any kind of relationship with my kids during the few moments that the opportunity arises. That's how I had been handling things prior to her arrival. I'd do my best to be in the living room area at least until 9 pm when my youngest would normally head to bed. This would give all of my kids access to me if they chose to interact with me or not. 

 

While my oldest have somewhat warmed up to her presence...my son will "warmly smile" at her when he sees her (his words)...and my oldest daughter will greet her when they see one another...my youngest has now started to ignore her as I think she & my fiancé feel as if they are competing for my time & affection. As a result...what has been happening is that around dinner time...my fiancé will once again isolate herself in our bedroom while I am out in the living room spending time with my youngest. Once my youngest goes to bed, then I will go into the bedroom. It just feels like a weird situation for all of us. 

 

My fiancé has expressed to me that she doesn't feel welcome in our home...largely because of how my kids are. She felt that she initially had the support of my youngest...but that has since changed as I believe they are both jealous of one another & feel threatened that they are going to lose time with me. I try to reassure them both that I have more than enough love & affection for both of them. I knew that being a step parent would be hard for anyone...but I also thought that if you willingly stepped into that role that you would need to be willing to accept that you would need to be willing to simply love those kids regardless of how they treated you in return. Kill them with kindness. 

 

Our wedding is supposed to be in less than two weeks...and I am sitting here wondering if having a wedding is a smart thing to do at this point. I feel like I am literally sitting between two high school girls fighting for my attention...as if my love & affection has limits and I can't love them both as my future wife & my daughter. 

 

Any insight, guidance or past experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks...

 

Kawika

I myself a step mom of 3 kiddos and an immigrant. Initially when I met my husband I was scared to meet the kiddos since I have never before dated anyone with kids and here I have all 3. My husband always came up with different ideas how we all can hang out and do things together as a family like camping trips or going to a pool. I homeschooled my kiddos during pandemic and yes it was tough and we would go insane and it's also time when we got married. Living together and having kids every other day made it hard for us -being a young couple. But to be honest, one thing that is really helpful is to think that your fiancee is coming from a different culture, perspective of blended families is a way different in developing societies. Here yes everyone is open and try to be friends... But even I have my boundaries with everyone and especially with kids’ mom. 
 

Reading your story really reminded me of me when we just got married and pandemic peacked I was also hiding in a bedroom after kids’ schooling because I needed some time alone not because I ignored everyone I just love my privacy too much. I would suggest having a conversation with your fiancee ask her how she sees your lives together, what are her thoughts. As a stepmom I am still learning and I probably will fail to understand much but every failure is a lesson. As I await my own baby, I am sure I will understand it even more when I become a mother of my own child. Just really have a talk and discuss with her, it might be so hard for her to understand the blended family dynamic, and she maybe needs someone to help her. I also have a youngest one the same age as yours, she will turn 9 soon, and I struggled with her and it also seemed that we both fought for daddy’s attention. But she also outgrew this and I love spending time with her, she has friends and does extracurricular activities. Anyways, no one would understand what step parenting is unless you're one. You do have to be selfless but also boundaries matter. 

[Tzgeneration 39]

OP, US kids have a lot of freedom and the culture is different. Your soon to be wife has to adjust a lot. Actions speak louder than words. If she cannot make her best to care or speak to the kids, just know that after Marriage, she will have alot of freedom and she can divorce you anytime. Before you wed, be careful coz you won’t turn back or call uscis if things go sour. The earlier the better. Your kids might decide to stay with their mother if they don’t like your soon to be wife. Let that lady put in some effort.  Wait for a month or so and see how things in the house turn out before wedding. Don’t ignore red flags. The earlier the better. Good luck.

[bolero_pa 34]

I've been through a divorce with a Pinay and now married again to another Pinay. There are a few things at play and I'm probably bringing nothing new to the table. In the Philippines kids stay at home until adults. Even after they have kids. The maturity thing is probably somewhat a factor. Also with her kids still in the Philippines she's likely hourly thinking about them, missing them, and kind of wanting to go back. So her threatening to leave (which is my biggest concern) is more "acceptable" with this in mind. One other thing to think about in terms of your own kids accepting her. They want you to be a happy person, not depressed and lonely. What sort of role model will you be if you're single and depressed, not trying to be happy? The last thought is, it's really all about you and your fiancé. You need to make sure she knows that you and her are the team. The core of the team. You obviously share the same values. That's the key. I did the same thing. Had a kid from a previous marriage and my wife did as well. A mini-Brady bunch. It works well. Just takes time and lots of communication and reassurance that she is your priority in life.

[Rocio0010 5,580]

58 minutes ago, bolero_pa said:

What sort of role model will you be if you're single and depressed, not trying to be happy?

Conversely, what role model will you be if you stay in an unhappy relationship?

[Jimmyzr1 36]

I've been through an almost similar situation, I visited a pinay 3 times prior to bringing her to the US on a fiancé Visa. I had 2nd thoughts (red flags) though at every critical time though, something just didn't seem right. I visited her each time for 3-5 weeks at a time. 

 

Her family, Mother mainly, kept pushing her to get me to buy property, which I didn't, luckily. I did buy them a side car for the brother's tricycle though, and helped with a small side business, which wasn't much and eventually failed.

 

We twice stayed in her province in Mindanao and the the last time in Manila to get her through the interview. I kept seeing little problems in Manila though, where I seen her temper come out on occasion. At the interview, I kept going back and forth with my thoughts if I wanted everything to go through or not. I almost decided to tell the immigration officer to just cancel the petition but instead decided to go through with it anyways which ended up being a big mistake in the long run. This was strike #1.

 

Then she came to the US, times were sometimes good and sometimes we had problems. Her Mom kept asking for her to send money, which at that time, she wasn't working. I didn't mind helping out some though as I knew she needed to help. Her father had been and is still living in the US for 20 years and not helping out much at all.

 

I seen similar issues as when in the Philippines with her, but between 2-3 months decided to marry, because of all of the time and money spent to that point.This was strike #2.

 

After green card things starting getting worse, she started working, would start buying Gucci, Louis Vuitton and always showing off to others, taking pictures all of the time, kind of like bragging about all of her things, all while never helping out with any of the home finances or anything.

 

Eventually, I decided to buy a house, which she was a good housewife, excellent cook and all. Things were going ok, though little ups and down with anger times, especially when drinking. She would drink especially late at night and got meaner and meaner as the night went on. Eventually fearing for my life after not wanting to do anything with her sexually. I started pouring alcohol down the drain, wasting money as well. This was strike #3

 

She was working as a caregiver for her Aunt's husband's mother making great money at this point. After awhile, I couldn't take it anymore and planned on getting out through divorce. I had to split the profit of the house with her at this point, she ended up with $28,500 cash, me paying for her taking a CNA course and I ended it. All of her money was gone in 8 or 10 weeks. She visited the Philippines having parties, came back to the US, buying more new purses which later, ended up getting stolen. I also didn't mention taking her on a cruise, buying her fancy jewelry earlier. All of this jewelry, along with her expensive wedding set she had pawned twice and I had to eventually save from losing, the last time I kept everything. She had no emotional ties to her wedding rings.

 

After our divorce in 2015, she started having seizures, and in 2020 was diagnosed with a tumor in her brain, stage 3 cancer, she's had 2 surgeries since. She is living with a guy, back to work part-time. 

 

She told me recently that if not for me bringing her to the US, she would now be dead.

 

Now for the important part, which I just found out a couple of weeks ago. When talking with her, I figured out that she has worked about 30 quarters, give or take a few. I watched a video a couple of weeks ago from an attorney coaching immigrants about their rights, in case of divorce, that the US citizen sponsor is responsible for around $1400 per month of back support if they were low income or out of work at any time up until she becomes a US citizen, dies, loses her GC status or works for 40 quarters. I had thought I would only become liable if she became a public charge and had to repay the government, which is not true. There's a little loophole that these attorney's have found to make money off of the sponsors.

 

She now has an attorney, which is going to help her with her citizenship paperwork which also advised her about the money she could get from me. Which she told me she wouldn't seek. Hopefully she's telling me the truth.

 

I would advise the OP to seriously consider what he's doing before the leap!

 

 

 

 

Edited June 5, 2023 by Jimmyzr1
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[Jimmyzr1 36]

I married another pinay as well in late 2021 and am petitioning her and her son to the US. But this time I lived with her first in the Philippines for over 2 years and got to know her really well before coming back to the US, then marrying her online during covid. She's a wonderful lady, has had a difficult life, with lots of up and downs, but has stayed grounded. She was ok with me staying in the Philippines or coming to the US. I tried living there after selling all of my US possessions, but it just wasn't for me, especially for the medical care, which I need here in the US.