Step Kids Not Accepting Step Mom

[Lemonslice 4,834]

16 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

This comment was in reference to something else & is being taken out of context. This is in relation to how we have our children address adults.

 

If I thought for one second she was a truly mean person, I would have ended the relationship long ago.

 

As I had explained previously...the kids were formally introduced to her in person in March. They knew of her existence well before then and that we were on the K1 immigration process. This is not just like a brand new person randomly showed up in their house. They were told in March that based on our speculation and what little everyone knew of the timelines that she would be living with us no later than June. As luck would have it...it moved up a couple of weeks from what we had all planned. Granted...I could have & should have explained every step of the process for them...but I didn't...and it cannot be undone. 

 

No one had an unkind word to say about her & everyone got along during our trip to meet her & her family. There were no red flags that made me feel that any of my children needed any additional conversations regarding the situation. If I had noticed any issues between my children & my fiancé...we would have addressed it immediately and if it could not have been resolved...then we would not have moved forward with our relationship.

I read that they were introduced.  You still disrespectfed the importance of the change in their lives by

 

Each person should be able to prepare/anticipate the changes, and what it needs for them.  Not to "reject" the change/your fiancée, but to acclimate themselves with the idea of the change.  Whatever that means for your kids - maybe it's to prepare a welcome gift for one, and to let their friends know that they'll skip sport/choir/etc. to be there early and spend more time together, or just buy a voodoo doll (jk).  But how can they think it's an important event and that they should be "on", if you didn't even care to tell them the time and date.  It's so, so weird, to just let them be shocked by the news.

If you had different expectations, it was the time to share that also.

 

We let our teams know at work when a new colleague is going to join us.  They can do what they want with that information (update their distribution lists, refill their candy bowl, set a reminder to stop by and greet them, or nothing at all), but... They know? 

 

Others might have ideas of possible solutions.  I know that I wouldn't marry someone if things weren't going smoothly, but I can't see how it would go smoothly. 

Sunken cost fallacy, as said by another member.  You can also refer yourself to the great saying of "when you're in a q hole, stop digging" - the marriage certificate is not the solution right now.

 

Good luck to you and your family. 

 

 

 

 

[Family 3,988]

35 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

If I had noticed any issues between my children & my fiancé...we would have addressed it immediately and if it could not have been resolved...then we would not have moved forward with our relationship

Even couples without children  often learn living together 24/7 is different than vacation periods of courting .

 

Hit the pause button..you will know when you are ready. 
 

On a light note , ask your kids in private if they refer to her as “ Ms Thang “ or driving Ms Daisy ..” . I doubt the Ms . Title rolls off their tongue with ease. 

[Family 3,988]

11 minutes ago, Calicolom said:

I was married to women with children, I never wanted to be DADY. I understood raising someone else child, was a thankless job. I was prepared for I AM GOING TO TELL MY DADY. You not my dady.

Agreed.  I should have said step parent that behaved as an adult ..not hiding in her room .

[SalishSea 17,818]

1 hour ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

Not directly in front of them per say...but we were staying in a suite with two bedrooms in the Philippines...so when she left...they would become aware of her absence. We have never fought in front of my kids. I simply wouldn't do that or allow it.

 

On some level I have thought about this as she is the only Filipina I have dated and we all see the videos online talking about how wonderful Filipinas can be...but in the same respect I know enough about her background to know why she acts the way she does. She has had some severe trauma in her life including being in an abusive relationship with her only other partner (both physically & emotionally), she has been abused by her family both physically & emotionally, she has been told by her own family members that she is ugly & worthless, she willingly gave up her oldest son because he wanted to be with his father & his family (they spoiled the oldest son), she has been through the loss of a stillborn child, etc. I only bring these things up to kind of give you the depth of the damage that she's experienced in her life & has not fully recovered from it. Sure if I wanted an easier road...I could certainly abandon her like everyone else has done in her life to find someone "better" or I can stay and help her through these hurdles in her life. For me at least...I feel like God has shown me who she can be & not just who she is now. I think what she does is primarily out of fear. She knows that I could find someone "better", "prettier" or whatever if I wanted to...I have all of the "6"s that most women here in the US are looking for...I just don't want them. So in my fiancé's mind...it is easier for her to run away from me & be the one to break us up than to take the risk of having her heart broken yet again. I know it's not healthy...but this is who I am with...and I am not just going to abandon her if she is willing to fight for us.

 

The oldest doesn't want to come and she has already allowed him to stay with his father's family...so we have no plans to petition for him unless he changes his mind. Her youngest will be coming on the follow to join program. I already knew that she would have a hard time adjusting to life here as well as adjusting to being a wife, step mom, etc...so I felt it was best for her son to remain behind until we got settled here first. We second guessed this choice a few times...but ultimately we decided against it in the end. Her son is at the age where he needs almost 24/7 attention so I knew that if he was here that she would not have time for anything or anyone else. We also needed time to make the house safer for him as I am sure that he will be curious and wanting to get into every possible thing that he can here. It's been awhile since we've had a young child that I've had to really keep my eye on constantly...so we needed that time to get our home ready. I also wanted the extra time to set our marital foundation before we added his dynamic into the mix. I am still supporting her mom & her son while he is there.

“Videos online showing how wonderful Filipinas can be”?   Not sure if you’re aware, but that certainly sounds like you’re commodifying her, combined with Sunk Cost Fallacy.

 

Sure seems like many here on VJ are here to specifically import Filipina wives.  I just don’t get that.

[Fe.Ta 874]

2 hours ago, SalishSea said:

Sure seems like many here on VJ are here to specifically import Filipina wives.  I just don’t get that.

While I am sure there are plenty of exceptions, good intentions, legit couples that were not sought intentionally based on race/culture, etc., I second this statement for multiple cultures across VJ.  Sadly, it just makes the journey a bit more complicated because you have (1) seeking an international love story, (2) falling for an idea of how the person would/should be, (3) false expectations, and THEN (4) immigration.

[SalishSea 17,818]

4 minutes ago, Fe.Ta said:

While I am sure there are plenty of exceptions, good intentions, legit couples that were not sought intentionally based on race/culture, etc., I second this statement for multiple cultures across VJ.  Sadly, it just makes the journey a bit more complicated because you have (1) seeking an international love story, (2) falling for an idea of how the person would/should be, (3) false expectations, and THEN (4) immigration.

Yes!  Excellent summary.  I am a big proponent of spending as much time as possible "dating" long distance (as expensive and heartbreaking as that can be).....because the stakes are so high (marriage).  Most of us would never marry someone we met locally after spending minimal time together, why should it be any different with long distance relationships?  

[Lemonslice 4,834]

5 minutes ago, SalishSea said:

Yes!  Excellent summary.  I am a big proponent of spending as much time as possible "dating" long distance (as expensive and heartbreaking as that can be).....because the stakes are so high (marriage).  Most of us would never marry someone we met locally after spending minimal time together, why should it be any different with long distance relationships?  

Imagine marrying someone you don't even get along with after spending this minimal time together.  Why?

[Fe.Ta 874]

2 minutes ago, SalishSea said:

Yes!  Excellent summary.  I am a big proponent of spending as much time as possible "dating" long distance (as expensive and heartbreaking as that can be).....because the stakes are so high (marriage).  Most of us would never marry someone we met locally after spending minimal time together, why should it be any different with long distance relationships?  

I am sure all sides (short dating versus long dating AND in-person versus long distance) have their points, which I get.  Also, some do not have the means to travel as much, but it does not mean you can't develop the relationship all the same.  One thing I have always noticed about long-distance relationships is that it naturally allows for the quality to develop because you have no choice (you can't just pick each other up and go do something and not talk).  Whether in person or long distance, my stand has always been quality over quantity.  I have seen both in-person and long-distance relationships that were "shorter" that were successful and lasted versus some there were together for years and divorced and the common factor was that those that were together longer had the time but didn't have the work (i.e. quality of relationship).  Of course, there are exceptions to all of this. But, it is just something I have always thought about.

[SalishSea 17,818]

36 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

Imagine marrying someone you don't even get along with after spending this minimal time together.  Why?

Right.  I would not, but I'm old, and I often assume those that do are young and do not know better.

[laylalex 7,284]

My husband and I were friends (and frenemies, occasionally) for years before we got together and even then we were super careful in how we progressed our relationship once we decided to give it a chance. This year will be 18 years I've known him, nearly half my life, and I am still learning so much about who he is, and the life experiences that made him the person I love. Our long-term friendship is the bedrock of our marriage. 

 

I fully understand that people can have very successful marriages after knowing each other only a very short time, but for me it is a no. There are too many chances to find out big things you don't like and can't live with after it's too late. Marriage is a high-stakes proposition, and I am naturally a pretty risk-averse person. 

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

When Adventine speaks on these issues my ears tend to perk up. You are in for a very bumpy ride if you go through with this wedding. Good luck on whatever you decide.

[Sarge2155 4,587]

@Kawika & Michelle I'm kinda old school so is my Filipina wife we are an older couple who has been there done that, so I won't offer any solutions or explanations here in the open as this is the wrong format and the wrong forum to be soliciting advice from (non immigration wise). You've let too much private, delicate information out and laid it on the table to be scrutinized by varied folks which is not always a good thing. Culture shock does exist! I have opened up to you before via inbox and text messages. You'll want to look there for a possible starting point!

 

I will say this though counselings and counselors are over rated as they have the book knowledge and the degrees, but if they have not walked a mile in your shoes how can they be effective at what they are counseling on i.e., how can a marriage counselor counsel me on marriage when the counselor has never been married themselves and only possesses book knowledge, but then again that is only my take!

Edited June 1, 2023 by Sarge2155

[carmel34 3,621]

OP, I'm not sure if you want more advice, since you have already received plenty of different opinions about your very difficult situation.  The one thing that resonates with me, reading your heartfelt cries for help, is that marriage is a very big commitment, so definitely think things through carefully and rationally before taking that step.  My first marriage was based on a very short courtship, and was not long distance, we were both college students, same language, culture, and age.  Being so young, I did not recognize the behavioral issues that my potential partner had, nor did I understand the problems that her tantrums would eventually cause in our relationship.  I pressed forward, thinking that if I loved her enough, and was the best husband I could be, we could make it work.  We had four children together, but the marriage was always a big challenge, and got more problematic over time.  She blew up and walked away at any little thing that bothered her, ignoring me, verbally and emotionally abusing me and the kids, throwing things, slamming doors.  We tried counseling multiple times but that only made things worse.  I stayed married for the sake of the children.  When they were all adults, and three out of four married, I finally had the courage to file for divorce and moved on with my life.  In my experience, people who have a tendency to throw tantrums to emotionally manipulate their partners keep on doing it and accept no responsibility for their actions.  Only you can decide whether to continue the relationship or not.  Only you can look at things rationally and weigh the pros and cons of following through and getting married to your fiancée.  All I can say is be very cautious, because problems like the ones you describe can often get worse over time, not better.  Are you willing to take the risk to your happiness and that of your children?  I regret the decision to marry my first spouse.  I did not see the warning signs when I was blinded by love.  Step away from the drama if you can and see a professional counselor by yourself a few times, to help you see clearly, then figure out what to do.  I wish you all the best in your life's journey.

Edited June 1, 2023 by carmel34

[Mike E 11,739]

10 hours ago, Fe.Ta said:

Also, some do not have the means to travel as much

Yet they have means to provide financial support to a spouse living in the U.S.?

 

IME, that math don’t add up. 

[Fe.Ta 874]

5 minutes ago, Mike E said:

Yet they have means to provide financial support to a spouse living in the U.S.?

 

IME, that math don’t add up. 

Keywords being "travel as much".

When I originally petitioned for my now husband I used to work for a non-profit.  They are notorious for not paying enough, yet I was blessed to make more than enough to support him when he arrived AND both of my parents.  However, the travels we made during our relationship were yearly.  They were not 2-3 times per year.  Especially because if we were considering the K1, I knew he wouldn't be able to work for a while, so our priority was to make sure we had enough money to cover that versus seeing each other that many times per year.

Now, granted, just like @laylalex we had been friends for a decade before we even started a relationship, so we knew we didn't need to do it as many times per year.  Thus, our priorities might have been different than if we had started dating without being friends.

 

My post was only to point out that there all multiple sides and ways of doing things to all of this.