What to do ?

[iceyspots 0]

Sigh... I knew it would come down to something like this.. My parents have been divorced since 1992. For about 8 years my dad was totally out of my life. He ignored us, never took us anywhere.. tried to squabble his way out of child support. He now lives on the other side of Michigan, and I haven't seen him in almost two years. Of course he comes into town to see my grandfather because he was giving away some free furniture. My mom had told him MONTHS ago that I was going to Algeria to get engaged. Upon talking to him tonight, he claims my mom never told him. My mom said he scoffed and brushed it off because what HE had to say on the phone that day was more important. Anyways when he asked about Yacine, can you believe what he asked me?

"You are aware of how they treat their women over there?"

I said, "Better than how you treated my mom."

He says "They treat their women like dogs**t."

I said, "You treated my mom, me and my brother, worse than that. "

Then there was an uncomfortable silence. What a chopf*ck. After all the borderline poverty and just squeaking by with my mom's income, like he has the right to tell me who is good to marry.

On top of all this I'm dirt broke from all my vacationing overseas, the visa stress, the waiting, the separation, paying every last cent I had to fix my truck, final exams coming up, searching for a job.. is that honestly what I really needed to hear?

Sigh, I guess some people just don't change.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Oh honey! you have a lot to handle ...but it is your life and you know what you want it to be like...with family things can get weird...stay strong and be positive...you come across as such a great person...it is sad that people are so ignorant at times...but that is life...I have my friends treat me like I am retarded for being with a Moroccan man...but life goes on...hope that things will get better...

Dorothy

[MrsAmera 41]

Arghh this stuff makes me absolutely crazy! Your dad does too! My son's father (he's 2- my son not his dad), stopped worrying about me after i was 5 months pregnant and refused an abortion. We were both in college - he was finishing heading to law school. I was 10 hrs away from home and took a taxi to my dr. appts because we werent' allowed to have cars. Then for my son's birthday this March he sent a birthday card with $20 signed "Love Dad" - mind you this was the first $$ I have seen from him. THE NERVE! Ok but back to the family issue. Same thing here - funny enough my family is from Michigan too. They thought I was crazy, they thought he would beat me and kidnap my son, force me to cook and clean and take care of his every whim. I ignored them, kept my chin up and remembered how much he loved me. Now that he's been here everyone LOVES him - seriously they do. My grandpa, who told me at a young age, "If you ever marry someone that isn't white, I won't come to your wedding and I won't talk to you again" loves him to death too. Youssef said he reminds him of his dad and my grandpa started to cry. My mom adores him, my son loves him too. My family insisted on paying for a huge wedding for us in a couple weeks, even though we were going to do something small, because they saw how much we love each other and know that this is going to be the last wedding for me.

Life sucks and most Americans have such a rotten view of Middle Eastern men it's no wonder they behave in such a way. I'm writing a paper about media views of ME/Arab/Muslim men in American culture and it's not a pretty picture. They have been and always are portrayed as the bad guy, terrorist, wife beater etc. and sometimes it's hard to look past all of that. My advice is keep your head up, it's hard I know with finals and all the other visa, immigration $$ ####### (i'm doing it right now too!) but it's worth it. Chances are really good when we gets here your familiy will see what you see in him and things will work out. Just make it through the rough stuff! When I couldn't deal with hearing them talk bad about Youssef I just stopped telling them anything that way they couldn't rain on my parade. It worked for me I hope you guys get through this and get your visa fast - you lucky Algerians

[chocolaterie 0]

some people don't ever change. Hopefully he will learn to regret his words before you forget he exists.

[babybunny 2]

I Thank god my Family is very supportive. it was my so- called- friends that gave me hell. I ditched all them loosers. they would say things that I felt crossed the line. The interacial Dating has been addressed long ago in my family. My family is mixed. My parents accepted my choices and offered support. when my friends broke my heart, by not supporting me-mom sent me this special card. it said this :

" only you can sing your own song"

take it for what it means.

[jordanianprincess 0]

You poor thing!!! This is unfair but typical stereotyping. Whatever you see on TV....and you know the saying, one bad apple ruins it for the whole bunch!

My ex-husband was mexican and my family hated him, they never accepted him and they never liked him. When I announced my divorce everyone was so overcome with joy. In my case, my ex never did anything to make my family like him. But your fiance can break their views and make them see reality. It will be hard until then, but with your family he will have to put his good foot forward and win their hearts over the way he did with you which I'm sure will be easy since most middle eastern men are charming

To be honest with you guys, I am middle eastern and that was the stereotype I always had in my mind about arabic men too. My parents always tried to take me back to jordan when I was younger and I always refused because I thought they were just gonna marry me off. My fiance is an unbelieveable man and even my friends and family were shocked when I told them I was gonna marry an arabic man.

My fiance always says something to me when I get worried about what others think...Its our marriage, we are the ones that have to wake up to each other every day and nothing else matters if we are happy.

Keep your chin up...it will get better with time, I promise.

[Together4ever 1]

The level of bigotry in the west towards the Islamic countries is staggering, and each of us with an SO from this part of the world is going to suffer from it. Mohammed isn't even HERE yet and its started for us, although its no surprise. There is a lot of misinformation thanks to our lovely biased media. Actually I suffered the same level of bigotry when I lived in Egypt. It was generally assumed that I was an aids-carrying prostitute and a 24-hour bank by any person walking by on the street, that I was simply "sex vacationing" with my young stud, and that I was his sugar momma. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Hard to take? Yep. Do I care? Nope. I am too darned stubborn and I value the relationship between us far too much to let idiots affect my life. We handled it there and we will handle it here. I also know that those people who meet Mohammed will be swept away by his bright personality and hopefully will lower their prejudices just a bit.

Darlin, one word of advice. You focus on what is important to you and the love God put in your hands from that lovely man and don't own the idiocy of others. Unfortunately its the dark side of human nature but you can walk on by and smile and know that you are a lovely individual and strong enough to live life by your own standards.

You want a laugh? As I was literally accosted by a cell phone salesman in the mall this weekend and he was making me a "deal I couldn't refuse" (which I did) I explained to him that maybe after Mohammed comes I will look him up. He asked where he is from. I answered, "Egypt," and watched the play of his thoughts on his face. "Oh. Wow. Is he................ uh..................is he.................. erm.................... arab?" (My evil side began twitching.) I said, "Yessssssssss, he's just a beautiful soul." He shifts around a bit and ACTUALLY ASKED ME, "Wow. Does he have like.......... brown skin and all that?" (My god... I hear my teenager begin to snicker behind me.) I answered, "Yes its quite lovely and to think his mother was as white as I am. Funny what suits God chooses to put us in." He kind of half laughs and shifts around nervously. I just plain flat out laughed in his face looking him straight in the eye. He was more then happy to get rid of me.

Just dance. People will be what they are, but the beauty is you still have the ability to walk away from their stupidity. They can't.

[myfellah 0]

All I can say is just try to ignore those that don't understand. I've been where you are and I've learned to live through it. My parents have both passed away but I think they would have loved my husband. I am the youngest of four and only my oldest sister and I speak, but very little. I haven't heard from my brother since I married and I no longer speak to my other sister. She actually had the nerve to phone my daughter way back when I was in Morocco with Abdou and kept telling her how wrong I was how "he would treat me worse than a dog", guess people love that saying. My daughter and I laugh over that statement quite often because my husband treats me so wonderful. I don't know if there is a kinder more gentle man alive (accept for all of your men too ). I've cut out a lot of people from my life since my relationship began so long ago. I didn't need to keep the negative around me. I find I didn't lose anything at all; I've only gained a loving husband and wonderful marriage. Good Luck to you. I really do understand how awful this can be. I will also say, all the other people he has met, just adore him. My family can't or refuse to see how wrong they were, I don't care anymore.

Doreen

[moroccogirlny 100]

I can relate as well, I am from the middle east but my family is not muslim. I was raised jewish, can you imagine what I have been through? I would like to see the face of the CO when my fiance is interviewed tomorrow in Morocco. Anyhow I was married before and pressured into my last marriage from my family because he was the same brand as I, well that marriage did not last long. Now my family shut their mouths and let me live my own life. As for Mouhcine's family, they accept me as I am. They love me as their own. Always go with your heart! Besides how high is the rate of divorce in the USA from american people alone?

Leila

[MHandMB 0]

Oh, I can relate so much to what you're going through!

When I called my parents from Paris and told them I'd met Amed and was having so much fun getting to know him, they were a little concerned. My mom thought it was just a little vacation flirtation and that once I came back home, it would fizzle out. Well, we spoke almost every day on the phone when I came back to the States. My mom said she was concerned about the religion and that we just wouldn't be compatible. My cousin said he had watched that movie "not without my daughter" and had also talked to some woman who had dated a Moroccan and told him horror stories, and that I needed to just not get involved with Amed. A year and a half later, I made it back to Paris, this time with my mom, my aunt, and my cousin in tow. My family fell in love with him! All they could say was "wow, I can see why you like him so much" and "he adores you" and, the best part, "maybe I was wrong." We kept it going for the next two years, until I finally up and moved to Paris. My sister, who is a very devout Christian, said "Marissa, I am worried about you because of the religious differences. You really need to think carefully and pray about this."

She came to visit me in Paris a few months later, and now absolutely adores Amed. She still has misgivings about our religious differences, but she can understand where I am coming from now, and she respects my decision and is excited to have Amed in the family, and is even helping me plan my wedding!

My point is, a lot of Americans don't know any Arab, Middle Eastern, or even Muslim people firsthand. All they can go on are the stereotypes and the news stories. So, of course they have all of these negative impressions of the culture in general. But, once they meet someone who is kind and considerate and obviously not like the stereotypes suggest, most people will realize that their first impressions were wrong. Once your dad meets Yacine, maybe he will change his mind. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, that's his problem. He didn't ask you how you felt when he walked out on your family and left your mom to pick up the pieces, so why should he get a say in who you marry?

It makes me so angry to see someone feel entitled to tell someone else who they should and shouldn't marry. Some of my extended family members are still giving me a hard time over this. My aunt even wrote my MOM a letter telling her she wished she could be happy for me but she is worried about me because of Amed's religion and culture. That made me furious. First of all, shouldn't any worries she has about me be expressed to ME and not my mom? Secondly, why is it her concern who I marry? Some of my cousins have not made what I feel are the choicest decisions on husbands, but I have never once said anything about it. I have simply expressed my happiness for them and left it alone. It's not me marrying them, so why should I get a say?

Anyway, sorry to get on a tangent there. Bottom line is, you know you're happy, and you're ok with whatever differences you have. It's not up to you to make everyone else happy. It's up to them to come to terms with it. They're not marrying him, right? Think of it that way, and think of how much better Yacine has already treated you than your dad treated your mom, and maybe that will help calm your nerves the next time your dad goes off on one of his tirades.

[rejane 1]

Good luck hope things will get better....

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I have like 2 minutes free time here at work and didn't get a chance to read all the responses, but I most definately will come lunch time. Just wanted to add my 2 cents:

I deal with this issue A LOT! My parents despised my choice in spouse and told him so. For some God unknown reason, during christmas vacation 03, my mom decided my entire immediate family would go to Egypt and meet this man who had made their daughter become muslim (roll eyes). I was happy for the opportunity to see Tamer, so I agreed. Hooo boy, it was the worst family vacation ever. My parents were rude and icy toward Tamer and his family, and lectured us ad naseum about the huge mistake we were making. Their objections boiled down to three main points:

1. He is muslim (do you know how they treat their women?)

2. He's arab (I bet they treat their women even worse when they're muslim and arab)

3. What would we do to support ourselves? (just about the only valid point, so I waited until after I graduated from school and got a job before I started our visa process)

Yeah, both my family and my husband did not gain anything positive from the experience and I practically had a breakdown.

Now that my husband is here and we're married, my parents are making somewhat of an effort to be cordial. However, my husband is completely unreceptive to any of their peace offerings. He says that when he gets a job, then he'll be able to meet them as a man. So, I'm giving him some time and hopefully things will get better.

What has helped soften up my parents is that they can see how happy he makes me and how well he treats me. I always make sure to mention that WE cleaned our apartment today, HE made dinner for my yesterday, WE went on a nice walk yesterday. That they can see that I'm muslim, but that I'm not oppressed, that I still care for the causes that I've cared about for ages (politics, environment), that helps a lot I think. That I wear stylish but modest clothes and always tie my hijab up when I see them helps. I don't talk about religion with them, but if they ever ask, I'm open and willing.

I make dua that someday both parties (parents and DH) will be able to meet on common ground and that we'll be a big happy family, but I'd settle for at least an occasional friendly meeting. Don't underestimate the power of dua!

The hilarious thing in this all is that my mom is simply perpetuating the horror stories that have gone on in my family for generations regarind choices in marriage partners. One great grandmother was excommunicated from the catholic church for divorcing and remarrying, so she went off and founded the Italian methodist church in her town. Another great grandmother's mom disowned her when she married her husband and didn't see any of them until they had a child. My dad's mother hated my mom because she wasn't catholic and they got married in a lutheran church. And now me, converting to Islam and marrying an egyptian, bah. I'm just hopeful because all of the past marriage sagas in my family have turned out well with long term marriages until death, so inshaAllah this one will last too

[honeyblonde 0]

Things were a little different with my family this time around. My last husband was Moroccan, and he did use me for a green card, so my family was ultra-cautious. Abdel had to get here and be around them for them to accept him. It didn't take long though. My ex never participated in my family life, and since I have a big family around here, there were always activities he was ditching out of because he had to work. Not only does Abdel participate, he pushes me to be more involved with my family. I tend to be a loner and could be happy not leaving the house for days. Abdel's mother and father died when he was 18 and 21, and his sister raised the huge family (7 boys and 2 girls) so he is used to a very close-knit extended family.

Also, we're doing a lot of renovation on our house, and my brother has helped us a lot. He is continually as amazed as I am at how hard Abdel works and how he is learning to jump in and be the "man of the house". I am loving having a partner that expects to pick up an adult role as a strong member of the family rather than another child for me to take care of, like my last 3 husbands were.

All I can say about your father is what I tell my own sons. He is who he is, but just because he is a loser doesn't mean you have to be one or let him get to you. Try to find the good things about him that attracted your mom to him, if you really feel a need to love him, and otherwise accept that he is human. Now that my sons are adults they are seeing that their father is really just a big 10 year old. He has hurt them so much the past few years by being as undependable for them as he was for me. It really tears me up inside to see him hurt them, but I can't stop it. I just hope they eventually stop trying to get him to be someone he's not and stop depending on him or expecting him to keep his word, or not say stupid insulting things. Most of all, I wish they'd just stop trying to win his acceptance and realize that it will never happen. When they reach that point they'll be like you - strong enough to make their own decisions for the right reason, not just to prove themself to him.

You were so strong with your dad. I always wish I'd have been able to talk to my dad like you did but unfortunately he died before I got that far in coming to deal with my childhood.

[kerewin21 2]

It sounds like you dealt with your dad as well as you could hope for. You pointed out the truth. It doesn't sound like he's earned the right to have any input into your life decisions anyway, but I'm sure just because it's coming from your father it's hard to ignore. But *do* ignore it. I hope your other family members are supportive, and that you have supportive friends. My family was unhappy at first, but they really like Majid now that they've gotten to know him.

And as for that movie, "Not Without My Daughter," as soon as anyone says to me "Have you seen that movie...?" I just tell them to talk to the hand!

Hang in there. There are plenty of ignorant people in the world and you just don't have the time to pay attention to them, even if they're related to you.

Hugs

Sharon

[UmmSqueakster 54]

And as for that movie, "Not Without My Daughter," as soon as anyone says to me "Have you seen that movie...?" I just tell them to talk to the hand!

It's also useful to point out that of all the kids kidnapped in the United States, more than 80% are kidnapped by family members, often parents. It would seem to me that one has just about an equal chance of an american spouse kidnapping kids in a custody dispute. It's not something scary aaaarabs do, it's something parents in general do.

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/ser...US&PageId=242#0

How many missing children are there?

Answer: The problem of missing children is complex and multifaceted. There are different types of missing children including family abductions; endangered runaways; nonfamily abductions; and lost, injured, or otherwise missing children. The best national estimates for the number of missing children are from incidence studies conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

To date two such studies have been completed. The first National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children (NISMART-1) was released in 1990, and the second, known as NISMART-2, was released in October 2002. According to NISMART-2 research, which studied the year 1999, an estimated 797,500 children were reported missing; 58,200 children were abducted by nonfamily members; 115 children were the victims of the most serious, long-term nonfamily abductions called "stereotypical kidnappings"; and 203,900 children were the victims of family abductions.

Aren’t most missing kids a result of custodial disagreements?

Answer: The largest number of missing children are “runaways”; followed by “family abductions”; then “lost, injured, or otherwise missing children”; and finally, the smallest category, but the one in which the child is at greatest risk of injury or death, “nonfamily abductions.” Many times this question is asked under the assumption that family abductions are not a serious matter; however, this is not true. In most cases children are told that the left-behind parent doesn’t want or love them. These children may live the life of a fugitive, always on the run with the noncustodial parent and stripped away from their home, friends, school, and family.

Also have them check out the FBI's most wanted page for parental kidnapping. How many of those are ME/NAs?

Edited April 3, 2006 by rahma