Any Mena w/children from prev. relationship

[MelindaandTarek 0]

HI everyone..I was just curious if there are others who have or are integrating their SO with children from a previous relationship. I have two children from a previous relationship and have begun in my own way to get them used to the idea of my SO...however I just wanted to reach out to others...and their ideas?

And for those who have their SO in US w/other children, what seemed to help/work? any suggestions?

Things I have done are, obviously, having several discussions w/my children (developmentally appropriate of course) as they are 2/5..given them the best time line I can about his arrival, talked about:

1.they are the priority

2.and person w/mommy has to be nice and supportive of them, etc.

3. given them (mostly the older as the younger child is too young) time to talk about feelings, differences in family, etc....

4. had them talk to him online through web cam and phone...to become familiar w/him...

OK i have rambled sorry..just interested in any other input from members here...anywho ty in advance for the help....Melinda

[aj1 1]

Wow what a great thread! I also have 2 children as you know and after i divorced a few years later i dated not much though only 2 guys and my girls were afraid of them both and didn't like them at all. I feel like children have good instincts and know when people are good or bad. But i am truly blessed because the moment they layed eyes on Abdallah they fell inlove with him as i did. He talks to them online almost everyday he sends them ecard, and pictures of there favorite characters to color. I am suprised they love him so much because it takes them a looooong time to open up to people they don't know but my fiance no problem. My oldest daughter told me that she can't wait for him to be with us and she prays every night that he gets here soon. They have drawn him so many pictures over 300 really they do that everyday. When we are in the car driving or outside and they see an airplane they say HI DADDY! They asked me if they could call him daddy because he does them better than my exhusband ever did. He loves them so much and that makes it so wonderful for me that they feel this way about him. I am teaching them now some words in arabic, and about his culture, and his religion. We are christian but i still want them to learn as much as they can about him as well. My fiance and I decided to travel to Egypt 1 time a year for 3 weeks to give the girls a chance to see how he lives. I thought it would be a great idea! As far as my exhusband it doesn't matter to him one way or the other. He sees the girls 2 times a month and he knows that i don't care either way what he thinks about the situation. But i am blessed that i have a wonderful man who loves my girls and my girls love him too!

AJ1

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Wow what a great thread! I also have 2 children as you know and after i divorced a few years later i dated not much though only 2 guys and my girls were afraid of them both and didn't like them at all. I feel like children have good instincts and know when people are good or bad. But i am truly blessed because the moment they layed eyes on Abdallah they fell inlove with him as i did. He talks to them online almost everyday he sends them ecard, and pictures of there favorite characters to color. I am suprised they love him so much because it takes them a looooong time to open up to people they don't know but my fiance no problem. My oldest daughter told me that she can't wait for him to be with us and she prays every night that he gets here soon. They have drawn him so many pictures over 300 really they do that everyday. When we are in the car driving or outside and they see an airplane they say HI DADDY! They asked me if they could call him daddy because he does them better than my exhusband ever did. He loves them so much and that makes it so wonderful for me that they feel this way about him. I am teaching them now some words in arabic, and about his culture, and his religion. We are christian but i still want them to learn as much as they can about him as well. My fiance and I decided to travel to Egypt 1 time a year for 3 weeks to give the girls a chance to see how he lives. I thought it would be a great idea! As far as my exhusband it doesn't matter to him one way or the other. He sees the girls 2 times a month and he knows that i don't care either way what he thinks about the situation. But i am blessed that i have a wonderful man who loves my girls and my girls love him too!

AJ1

ty for the tips...i can use some of these ideas as well...my little guy loves to say hi to Tarek's pictures and kisses them so cute...and my oldest cant wait for him to come and loves to hear about "ancient egypt" this is what he calls it...but love the idea of writing pics and ur man sending them pics and ecards...great idea (of course when his internet works)...I have talked to them about the culture too and just keep an open dialogue..thanks again for sharing I will encorporate these things too...thanks girl - by the way u pretty much TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aj1 1]

I also forgot to add that another great idea that i do with the girls is let my oldest write him letters, and they both color him pics and i scan them on the computer then send them to his email. Because usually if takes up to 10 days for him to get anything from me sometimes its sooner but when i scan it and send to his email he gets it the same way they wrote it the print comes out as if they just sent it in the mail everything looks the same the writing, and the colors of whatever it is that they did for him. I also takes pics of the girls on my cell phone and send them to him from my cell then he prints them. My next idea is to buy a throw away mini recorder they sale them now they are so cool!! and make a 20 minute video and put it on a CD then send it to him. The recorder is i think $20.00 at the CVS store if you have one out there if not i am sure other stores like Wal-mart sales them too! I hope you get more great ideas and thank you for the compliment!

AJ1

[a1angied 0]

My children are much older and they just intregrated with Hasan 34 days ago. I have to say that he would send emails and when I was on cam with him they would say hello. Everything so far has ben great and they all seem to get along great. My son is 18 and my daughter is 16 so I am greatful. My daughter was very nervous that he wold take all my time away as she and I are very close but she has found that we include her in almost everything we do. My son and Hasan have a good relationship and I truely feel so very blessed.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

My children are much older and they just intregrated with Hasan 34 days ago. I have to say that he would send emails and when I was on cam with him they would say hello. Everything so far has ben great and they all seem to get along great. My son is 18 and my daughter is 16 so I am greatful. My daughter was very nervous that he wold take all my time away as she and I are very close but she has found that we include her in almost everything we do. My son and Hasan have a good relationship and I truely feel so very blessed.

thanks for your comments and happy things are going well

[Aymerlu 3]

My kids were 4 & 10 when I first met Khallid. I actually didn't have them talk to him a lot until I know Khallid and I were a sure thing. They they would talk to him on the phone, send him card and pictures in the mail, I would scan pictures for him that they had drawn and the list goes on and on. I wanted the kids to know Khallid as much as possible before he got here. There were even times the kids would say "hey mom! Don't you need to call Khallid?" I've told this story before, but at his interview, all they wanted to see was the pictures my daughter had drawn for him!

Cute story. When Khallid finally got here, we didn't get back home from the airport till 4:30 a.m. My kids were staying at my parents home. I slept a few hours and then I had to go get the kids. I let Khallid sleep. When we got home both kids ran into my room and jumped on him hugging him. They they just stepped back and looked at him. My son says "wow mom! Khallid is a lot bigger than he is on the computer!"

My kids love Khallid and he adores them. Their biological father really don't have a lot to do with them and Khallid is hoping that in a couple of years he might be able to legally adopt them.

[chasnik 0]

My kids are 13 and 9 and at first I didnt mention Mo to them, I wanted to be sure this was what I wanted. Now that we have been together for 3 years he talks to them online, he and my son play games in yahoo and talk "man" talk lol. My daughter made him get a myspace to talk to her, she sends him pms there. He is teaching them arabic and french, they are teaching him southern slang...you haven't heard anything till you have tried to teach your man ya'll omg the kids were rolling. I take pics of everything we do whether its the grocery store or football chorus etc and their first question is usually what did Mohammed say. My son wants to change his name to Belhaj...that made Mohammed cry. Olivia has a list a mile long of stuff we need to take Mo to do once he gets here. One of the biggest things age appropriatly of course I think is preparing them for the difference in religion if it is going to be a christian/muslim household. I guess all dont but Mohammed prays his 5 every day and is very devout so that will play a big part in our lives. My kids have asked questions Elisha at first told everyone mohammed was a musler lol. Their dads brother is a baptist preacher and went on a rant to my children screaming and saying all muslims should be deported and that they were going to hell...my kids sat quietly and then Olivia my 13 yr old said Mohammed has never said anything bad about christians...how can you say that you dont even know him.....I was sooooo proud!!

[ya falaha! 0]

I have two sons ages 9 and 11. I have to say that it's really not MENA specific how you integrate your SO in the lives of your children. You'll have the same ups and downs as a typical mixed family situation. My sons have their moments where they love my husband and others where they seem maybe jealous of him and try to make digs at him. I can't say it's been terribly difficult though. My sons have a father who is a big part of their life so my husband isn't the replacement dad for them. It's only been about 3 months since my husband came and so far, so good.

Sorry I have no real tips other than...just roll with it.

ETA...I wanted to add that I have had to pull my sons aside a couple times to tell them to cool it. Moh doesn't get involved in "disciplining" but if he sees they're being particularly rowdy or disrespectful of me he'll talk with them.

Edited July 26, 2007 by moody

[deemabrouk 0]

I have two sons.. 5 & 6.. After I knew things were going to be serious I started letting them talk to him Via Web cam and phone.. They have a hard time with his accent. They also would draw pictures for him at school and I would mail it to him in Egypt. I did bring them to Egypt so they could meet him and his family.. I thought it would be important. The airplane ride was ROUGH! first time they were on a plane. The time in Egypt was ROUGH.. cause of the different language / culture. BUT alhamdulillah for everything.. It was an experience I wanteed them to have.. and in the future.. Inshallah.. they will be going back.

Things are TENSE with him here.. Mohamed has a TON of nieces and nephews... so he thought he was already experiencing what it was like being a dad... BUT when the kids Dont leave.. and go back to their own house... Its a whole new ball game. And when you CANT just leave and go hang out some where... And Egyptian culture is completely different... You will see kids hanging out 10, 11, 12 am outside.. But here. My kids are in bed at 830.. If they are out late they start to whine and cry. He has a hard time understanding WHY they do that. Plus they have not had the experience of a Man in the house before... so there IS some acting out.. and he doesnt seem to get it. He takes it more personal than he should.

[MrsAmera 41]

My son was 7 months old when I met Youssef so I think our situation is a little different. His biological father was not/is not involved and so he has always known Youssef as his "baba". When Youssef wasn't here yet, Mikhail would talk on the webcam and blow kisses but he was really too little to do much else. Since he's been here it has been an adjustment, as we both have different styles and since we've had a son together. But Youssef loves Mikhail like his own (probably because he virtually is!). The only thing that scares him now is that Mikhail's biological father has sort of re-entered the pic but not really. He's scared that he will take Mikhail away from him. We too are hoping Youssef will be able to legally adopt Mikhail soon.

[amal 4]

My son is 8 but was 5 when I first started talking to the hubster. I didn't let them talk to each other until I had a good idea of what I wanted to do. They talked on the phone, web cam, played games together in yahoo, wrote letters, drew pictures, the list goes on and on. Nothing quite prepared us for his arrival and our new living conditions with the new parental figure in the house. There were times when my son would get mad and tell him to go back to Jordan. Then there were times he would be sitting right next to him telling him how much he was glad he was here. It was a transition but it wasn't too horrible. My son is finally learning to trust him after a year and a half. My best advice is just go with the flow and it should all be ok in time.

amal

[MelindaandTarek 0]

thanks everyone for the input...I like the ideas of pictures...and I agree and only let the boys talk to and see Tarek on the internet when I was sure of where I was at...My little guy likes to look at Tarek's picture and give it kisses..too cute and my older boy likes to play pool w/him.

And I agree w/other posts I think you need to go w/the flow...but nice to know I am on the right track!!